Pyro Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 That could be said when you ask someone out on a date for the first time, or accept a date. No disagreement here......
Author LakesideDream Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 I'm the original poster. I talked to the lady tonight. She left a voice mail on my phone and I called her back. She apologised for what happened.. at least the phone snooping part, and we discussed it for awhile. I can tell all of you for sure that reading and participating in this thread insured I wasn't at a loss for words which was a great "unexpected consequence". Ends up she was snooping for the reasons Trialbyfire postulated. She was farther along in the "looking for a relationship" process than I was/am. She told me about her "cheating ex" and catching him with email and cell phone. Throughout the conversation I didn't get into the reasons why I objected to her snooping, or reacted the way I did. I also didn't critisize her for her reaction. It wasn't necessary. Sadly there was to much water under the bridge for me at this point. I actually (for only the 2nd time in my 57 years) got to use the "Let's try and be friends for now" line and left it at that. She did bemoan the fact that she has never figured out her Kodak.
bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Hey, thanks for the update. You did the right thing. Her behavior was simply uncalled for. Sorry, but mentally and emotionally stable adult women don't behave that way, cheating ex or not. You deserve better, not excuses of some dude that supposedly cheated on her. Heck she could have made that story up just to try to get you to feel sorry for her and take her back. I think it's great that you have high standards and won't settle when it comes to dating. I guess she should have thought about her Kodak before she disrespected you.
Walk Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Ends up she was snooping for the reasons Trialbyfire postulated. She was farther along in the "looking for a relationship" process than I was/am. She told me about her "cheating ex" and catching him with email and cell phone. Wow. Creepy. I think it's a fabulous idea to stay far away from that woman. I wouldn't snoop through a guys phone after 4 dates... how the heck would you know if it's a woman he's dating on the list, or an aunt, or co-worker, or next door neighbor who's 87 and invites him over for cookies on sundays? I'd snoop through his medicine closet.
Trialbyfire Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Throughout the conversation I didn't get into the reasons why I objected to her snooping, or reacted the way I did. I also didn't critisize her for her reaction. It wasn't necessary. Now this was well done. You handled it with respect, whatever the outcome.
Mary3 Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I'm the original poster. I talked to the lady tonight. She left a voice mail on my phone and I called her back. She apologised for what happened.. at least the phone snooping part, and we discussed it for awhile. I can tell all of you for sure that reading and participating in this thread insured I wasn't at a loss for words which was a great "unexpected consequence". Ends up she was snooping for the reasons Trialbyfire postulated. She was farther along in the "looking for a relationship" process than I was/am. She told me about her "cheating ex" and catching him with email and cell phone. Throughout the conversation I didn't get into the reasons why I objected to her snooping, or reacted the way I did. I also didn't critisize her for her reaction. It wasn't necessary. Sadly there was to much water under the bridge for me at this point. I actually (for only the 2nd time in my 57 years) got to use the "Let's try and be friends for now" line and left it at that. She did bemoan the fact that she has never figured out her Kodak. There ya go ! She was snooping because she was INSECURE and is carrying her past experiences into her present life. Steer clear of this ONE. Also regarding inviting someone over to your home can be considered an intimate gathering that given the right circumstance one or both of you get real cozy and relaxed which might lead to a kiss or even further. You can assume that the *invite* could lead to something happening in your home. Its human nature if she were interested in you romantically that she might do a few things that would make you enjoy that and something romantic might happen that night. While your intentions might be to discuss the shutter speed of the camera , her interest might be discovering how good you might be in bed.
bridget_jones Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 However even if there were intentions by both parties to have intimate relations, she still had no more right to snoop through his phone than if there were no intentions of that happening, and I don't think there was.
tanbark813 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 That's OK, Lakeside, you have enough support from most posters here who know that it's common and obvious etiquette to respect other people's privacy by not snooping in their cell phone when you visit their home. As for Trialbyfire, her strategy is to cut you down, by implying that you yourself are in the wrong and weren't raised with etiquette yourself, then when you defend yourself you're getting all 'hysterical and sensitive.' Yep. If a man posted, "My wife got high on PCP and hit me in the face with an axe," Tbf's response would be, "Well, it's your fault for having both an axe and a face, you evil, evil penis-owner."
bridget_jones Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Yep. If a man posted, "My wife got high on PCP and hit me in the face with an axe," Tbf's response would be, "Well, it's your fault for having both an axe and a face, you evil, evil penis-owner." Taking devil's advocate to the extreme.
mental_traveller Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 As I've stated a few times, each person has their level of openness. Me, I simply don't care because I have nothing to hide. We aren't discussing what your personal reaction to this situation would be. We're discussing whether it is acceptable behaviour to look through someone's phone, without asking them, and when you have only known them a short time. Trialbyfire, do you think it's acceptable? Would you have no qualms about going through a date's mobile phone after they had invited you to their place and gone to get changed? I would say it's clearly wrong to go through someone's personal belongings without asking them first. Only if they have told you they don't mind, is it acceptable to do so. The OP did not tell her, so she should not have done so without asking.
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2007 Posted March 23, 2007 We aren't discussing what your personal reaction to this situation would be. We're discussing whether it is acceptable behaviour to look through someone's phone, without asking them, and when you have only known them a short time. Trialbyfire, do you think it's acceptable? Would you have no qualms about going through a date's mobile phone after they had invited you to their place and gone to get changed? I would say it's clearly wrong to go through someone's personal belongings without asking them first. Only if they have told you they don't mind, is it acceptable to do so. The OP did not tell her, so she should not have done so without asking. mental_traveller, I wouldn't have bothered going through his mobile phone but that's just me.
Lovie Posted March 24, 2007 Posted March 24, 2007 Honestly in my opinon she was way out of line. To go through someones phone is something a husband/wife(or very committed relationship) has the right to do. You are just dating and "getting to know eachother" (people really don't take the time to really know a person and I respect you for your actions) but even if she was "just kidding" that is something you just don't do. You wouldn't walk up to your next door neighbor and go through his/her phone. You may know your neighbors but its just that line of respect. Now, if you two seem to be in a committed relationship and you established she was your "girlfriend" then I can see that there is nothing wrong with it (maybe) . You do not "owe" her anything because you two are just "dating." This is also a sign of maybe a immature person. Also maybe this person is hidding there actions by saying it was a joke? If she is the type of person that is jealous easily or is controlling this is maybe a first sign. She got "caught" and she just said it was a joke to maybe seem less crazy. Some women are evil ( it okay I can say that I am a women!) Lets say you were "dating" another women and she found a call or texted or something? Yeah she maybe would have gone weird on you. To me you did the right thing. You didn't go crazy or yell and cause anymore issues then needed. My advice find a mature women and if you pass the "date" stage then you can talk about going through each others phone. Really, Only if the women is like living with you or if you have a cheating past does any women have the right to go through your stuff.
bridget_jones Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Yes, the last relationship I was in for 2 years, I was at his house a lot and using his computer, it didn't even occur to me to look in his email at all, or in his phone, and I was at his house a lot when he wasn't there or was in the basement taking a shower, etc. so I had lots of opportunity.
RecordProducer Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 It's a matter of trust, not anything else. I have never snooped in my ex-husband's cell phone and he never gave me a reason to. But I have snooped in my 2nd husband's cell phone and emails (after we got married), because of one thing: he didn't want to be exclusive in the first 3 months. Anyway, he gained my trust in the meanwhile... Your girl has a baggage and it's obsessing her to the point where she doesn't trust anyone. But even more disturbing to me is that the cell phone history doesn't prove anything and she certainly doesn't know the numbers that call you. E.g. if she finds a "Nancy" calling you, how would she know if it's a woman you're dating or your cousin's wife? This implies that she is manically searching for evidence to accuse you before she has any real doubts. I think the older you get the more clearly you see the red flags.
Herzen Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 That is very scary. On the fourth date she feels entitled to invade your privacy to learn about the competition, if any!? That is seriously fu#ked up. The tepid response of the many females LS'ers to this very serious privacy intrusion speaks volumes.If your date had posted something about you flirting with an attractive waitress while out with her, you would have been crucified. Fidelity--in an absolute sense--always trumps privacy on these threads. Now, where can I get a good keylogger...
Fiona Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Honestly in my opinon she was way out of line. To go through someones phone is something a husband/wife(or very committed relationship) has the right to do. ... Wrong. Even married couples respect each other's privacy, mail, phones, purse, wallet, whatever.
mental_traveller Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 mental_traveller, I wouldn't have bothered going through his mobile phone but that's just me. Again - the question is not what you would have done in the woman's shoes. It is whether it's acceptable behaviour to look through a date's mobile phone when they are away for a minute or two, without asking them first. Simple question - do you think it's acceptable or not?
Trialbyfire Posted March 26, 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Again - the question is not what you would have done in the woman's shoes. It is whether it's acceptable behaviour to look through a date's mobile phone when they are away for a minute or two, without asking them first. Simple question - do you think it's acceptable or not? It's not something I would bother doing, although after learning about my ex-spouse's serial cheating, who knows how far I would trust anyone previous to sleeping with them. While there are other ways to find things out, blind trust is no longer a route that I'm willing to take and if someone feels the need for some confirmation, that's up to them how they choose to address it. My main opinion within this thread is that the OP over-reacted in his initial response and that I wouldn't have cared, which is on the other end of the spectrum. If you refer to his final response to his date, he was calm and defined his reasons. Whatever the end result was, was whatever it turned out to be.
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