whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Want a coffee? You know where to find the coffee and the filters. Go to it. There's a huge difference of being at a friends house and going into the cupboards to get coffee filters than going through someone's personal stuff when you barely know them (4th date!!!!). And I was talking about going through purses, not cupboards...lol
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 There's a huge difference of being at a friends house and going into the cupboards to get coffee filters than going through someone's personal stuff when you barely know them (4th date!!!!). And I was talking about going through purses, not cupboards...lol As previously stated, we're in each other's purses quite often. If you don't have the same mindset as I do about being wide open, it's probably not possible to understand it. I grew up with this type of openness. My whole family is like this. We simply don't care.
Author LakesideDream Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Trial, Isn't that the crux of your opinion? You don't care. That is your choice. Don't you allow others their privacy? Would you "automaticly" go into a new friends purse or phone without asking them first.. or better without being asked to? I can count on one hand the times I went into my ex's purse when we were married (25 years). Always in an extreme situation like after a car accident, getting her licence number and SS number for an emergancy room form. As a matter of fact. While still together after "D" day, sharing the house for a few weeks. She left her purse on the kitchen table and it began "ringing".. with a strange ringtone. I stared at it sitting there like a transfixed owl. As she hadn't admitted her BF yet, she passed it off as a "work cell" not mentioning it was the phone her BF gave her.. no I didn't buy the excuse, but let it pass anyway... it was after "D" day.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 The offsetting side to not caring is that I don't care to look into their purses for no reason at all. Your date had a reason. I can tell you one thing. I did go through my exes phone when he was acting strangely. It was one of the ways that I busted him.
pelagicsands Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 As previously stated, we're in each other's purses quite often. If you don't have the same mindset as I do about being wide open, it's probably not possible to understand it. I grew up with this type of openness. My whole family is like this. We simply don't care. Exactly. It is a matter of trust. Too many people have something to hide. Privacy? If you trust someone, then who needs privacy?!
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Exactly. It is a matter of trust. Too many people have something to hide. Privacy? If you trust someone, then who needs privacy?! You Sir, have way too many s/ns...
Author LakesideDream Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Exactly. It is a matter of trust. Too many people have something to hide. Privacy? If you trust someone, then who needs privacy?! Exactly! Trust. I had no reason to trust, or mistrust this woman. For all I knew she could have been a criminal, or had an STD like herpes. A person needs t know if someone is financially responsible, before discussing sharing finances. Ditto for medical histories. Not necessary if you haven't had or planned to have sex. I find it absurd to be explaining why I hadn't committed to a "relationship" after 4 dates. Even in High School, you got to "go steady" before relationships formed. Geeze! We were on our 4th date! No discussion of sensitive issues had come up, other than we had both been divorce quite awhile. For all I knew (or she knew) it could have been from 5th marriages to Escimo's or Penguins.
bridget_jones Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I've asked a boyfriend to get something out of my purse before. However, it was with my knowledge, just like when you are getting into your friends' purses. I suspect if your friends were playing cards in the other room, you left a moment and was rifling through another friends' purse in the other room, and she walked in, she would think it very strange and say "what are you doing, I didn't ask for anything in my purse?' suspecting someone for cheating is different, and i the context of a serious relationship, and you really have suspicions of cheating I might be looking at the cell phone. 4 dates with a woman does not give this woman justification to look through her date's cell phone when he is not in the room. If she has a big problem with him calling other women, then she should ask him directly "are you seeing other women?" then the guy knows she is expecting a relationship after 4 dates, and they can see if they're on the same page. he can say "I don't see us exclusive so I may be seeing other women and I expect you to date other men now at this point." that way there is no sneaking to look at his phone memory. at that early in the dating stage, there may be females he calls, like I said, it may be his sister, his neighbor down the street, his church associate, his secretary, his tax accountant....this woman wouldn't have anything to 'bust' him on just because she finds some female names on his call list on his phone, that is whack. this woman is whack that she even did that, and lakeside did the right thing.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Your date had a reason. What??? The date had a reason to snoop through his cellphone after 4 DATES? I can't even answer this one, it's obvious you see things one way, and most of us see things from another way.
johan Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 What??? The date had a reason to snoop through his cellphone after 4 DATES? Maybe she was just hoping to get his mom's number to find out his sweater size.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 What??? The date had a reason to snoop through his cellphone after 4 DATES? I can't even answer this one, it's obvious you see things one way, and most of us see things from another way. Which is what I stated. I wouldn't care if my date went through my cell phone. There's nothing to hide.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Which is what I stated. I wouldn't care if my date went through my cell phone. There's nothing to hide. We're not talking about you, we're talking about LakesideDream! In his mind, rightfully so, it was WRONG of her. Not everybody who is an open book wants a 'date' to go through their personal stuff, especially after 4 dates! But if you're okay with that, good for you! Just respect others who think it's NOT okay to do that. There are boundries, and she crossed the line. She really had NO right to help herself and snoop through his phone. It's creepy! Besides, she waited till he left the room. But then again, I'm sure if she reached over and just started going through his phone with him sitting there, that wouldn't have gone over too well either. Let's agree to disagree on this one. You're not seeing it from anyone else's POV but your own.
Citizen Erased Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Maybe she was just hoping to get his mom's number to find out his sweater size.
pelagicsands Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 There are boundries, and she crossed the line. She really had NO right to help herself and snoop through his phone. It's creepy! This is a crazy overreaction. It's just a phone. What's the big deal - what is she going to "find" on it??
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 This is a crazy overreaction. It's just a phone. What's the big deal - what is she going to "find" on it?? Exactly. Also, if you are dating more than one woman, I hope they're both aware of this. That's another aspect of being open and honest. I've dated non-exclusively in the past but it's been said upfront. With this in mind, it's yet another reason for having nothing to hide.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 This is a crazy overreaction. It's just a phone. What's the big deal - what is she going to "find" on it?? Well magichands, the point I am actually trying to make is, it's not normal behaviour to just go through someone's phone, especially after just 4 dates. They are not exclusive, they're not intimate yet either.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 We're not talking about you, we're talking about LakesideDream! In his mind, rightfully so, it was WRONG of her. Not everybody who is an open book wants a 'date' to go through their personal stuff, especially after 4 dates! But if you're okay with that, good for you! Just respect others who think it's NOT okay to do that. There are boundries, and she crossed the line. She really had NO right to help herself and snoop through his phone. It's creepy! Besides, she waited till he left the room. But then again, I'm sure if she reached over and just started going through his phone with him sitting there, that wouldn't have gone over too well either. Let's agree to disagree on this one. You're not seeing it from anyone else's POV but your own. I'm responding to your posts. You're also not seeing it from my POV so let's agree to disagree. With what I've seen of Lakeside's posts, he appears to have an attitude about cheating that I completely disagree with and feel it's probably why she felt the need to check up on him. Who knows what he's told her.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I did see it from your side, I guess you missed that.......And I did say lets agree to disagree also on another post on the other page........
bridget_jones Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 it is a matter of *common* courtesy, if you are a guest in someone's house, you don't go snooping through their personal items. In four dates, when there had been no sex, you don't have to explain to the other person if you are dating other people. Sometimes couples do fall head over heels right away and become closer sooner, but even in that case, it's extremely rude and uncalled for behavior to go through someone's cell phone. It has nothing to do with nothing to hide from the other person, it just has to do with respecting the other person. This woman had no right to be looking through his phone to see who he has been calling, even if they had been sexually intimate before. she knew she was being disrespectful and rude, or she wouldn't have done that when he was out of the room. Why didn't she just say "Hey do you call other women?" then at least she would be honest and upfront instead of being dishonest and sneaking around.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 With what I've seen of Lakeside's posts, he appears to have an attitude about cheating that I completely disagree with and feel it's probably why she felt the need to check up on him. Who knows what he's told her. And after 4 dates he doesn't "owe" her. They are not exclusive. They made no promises to eachother. They were not in a relationship yet either, they were in the beginning stages of 'getting' to know eachother - If she wanted to know anything she could have asked instead of helping herself to snoop. And, his attitude has nothing to do with it. SHE made the choice, not him.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 In four dates, when there had been no sex, you don't have to explain to the other person if you are dating other people. I think this sentence speaks for part of why people are outraged by my comments in this thread. Sorry but I feel otherwise which is why I have a different attitude about the whole thing. I don't think a 4th date is a precursor to a relationship or marriage but I do believe in being upfront.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I don't think a 4th date is a precursor to a relationship or marriage but I do believe in being upfront. And if she wanted to know, she could have ASKED!!! THAT is upfront, not looking through the guys phone when he wasn't in the room.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 And if she wanted to know, she could have ASKED!!! THAT is upfront, not looking through the guys phone when he wasn't in the room. I thought we had agreed to disagree.... Anyways, the crux of the matter is that she must have felt a need to check. I'm also reading between the lines here. I'm guessing he brought her home for a reason...
nicki Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I can see why you would be upset. It was bad manners to snoop like that, especially since you two aren't really in a relationship yet. (six months in, and there could be a reason for snooping if you two were having issues revolving around trust or lying.) But, four dates in and she is invading your privacy. I understand the whole if I have nothing to hide, I hide nothing...in this case, though, it's just bad manners and makes you wonder if she is does this with everyone. Do you wonder WHY she snooped on you? If she's not a snoop by nature, I'm guessing she might have wanted to see what her competition was. After all, she doesn't know yet if you are a liar, cheat, womanizer, whatever. You could have a whole string of women and she wouldn't know about it....maybe she was trying to save herself some time. OR....maybe she is an insecure jealous wreck. No way to know for sure yet. If you like her, I'd ask her what was going through her head when she did it. If she was smart, she would have apologized and told you why she did it and hopefully endeared herself to you. Her laughing it off just made it worse. If it had been me, I probably would have hoped to appear adorable, yet insecure and said "I have never done this kind thing before, but I like you so much and want to sleep with you, and I'm scared"....or, I would have lied and said I wanted to play games on your phone or that I was going to leave you a sexy message for later....anything but what she did. I don't blame you for being mad and maybe not wanting to ever see her again. Why not ask her about when you cool off?
Guest Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I've read most of these replies. It just sounds to me like she's probably had a history of being cheated on. I do not condone her behavior at all, but when stuff like this has happened to her even more than once, it is easy to look past the good person you are and try to seek some sort of reassurance early on. If she is worth it, you can forgive the behavior I think. You need to know if she is capable of trusting again, because if she isn't, then this will be doomed from the start. Good luck!
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