LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I have been hesitant to share this, embarrassed I suppose. Last week after the 4th date with a gal I met locally I was bit hard by the technology bug. Following dinner at Outback (love the Ribeye there) and a single cocktail, my date and I decided to drive to my home (we had seperate cars) for a short "primer" on her new digital camera, as I have a very similar model. On arriving at my house, I did as I always do. Dropped my wallet, sunglasses, keys, and cell phone on the entry area table, and kicked off my shoes. Then I put on some coffee and went to my bedroom to change out of my slacks and dress shirt (I hate going to the dry cleaner). I picked up my camera and headed back out to the living room. As I wasn't wearing shoes, my return was quiet, not by design, mearly by happenstance (no shoes saves my carpet). What I found was my date going through the memory on my cell phone! I was flabergasted. When I asked "why are you doing that", her reply blew me even farther away when she said in a joking demeanor.. "just checking on how many other girls (I'm 57!) you are dating". I flopped into a chair, collected my thoughts, and supressed my anger for a minute and told her that I was sorry, but I didn't want the evening to go any further and I'd prefer she leave. She went ballistic, saying I was being paranoid and unreasonable. I didn't relent. She left, and later left a message on my voicemail (I didn't pick up) saying she was just "kidding around" and that I was being paranoid (again). Why would a lady do something like that? Isn't there a expectation of privacy anymore? By way of clarification. 4 enjoyable "dates". No sex as of yet, or even "heavy petting".
johan Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I'm not sure if I would have cared. Maybe I would have. I probably would have. Hard to say. It's definitely unusual behavior. I'm curious about your subject line: "It Finally Happened to Me". Finally? Have you been waiting for this? Maybe you feel it's a rite of passage. This has never happened to me (at this stage in a relationship anyway). I guess my day will come.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Lakeside, many of your posts on LS about what constitutes cheating (only penetration) might help to give you an indication of why she doesn't trust you. I'm guessing she's not feeling completely confident with your relationship.
johan Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I'd have considered not bothering her about it, but just "saving" it for later. It would be a way to justify going through her lingerie collection on your next visit to her place.
Author LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Trialbyfire, while our opinions differ on what constitutes cheating in this day and age, that's not the point. I didn't know this lady well enough to want to begin a sexual relationship. I hadn't attempted to begin one. Having been single since '01, I am cautious, and don't want to mislead ANYONE. I want to be "sure" that there are long term possibilities before becoming intimate with someone. She certainly doesen't know my opinions on the subject in detail, unless... she reads LoveShack and sussed out my ideninty, which is unlikely. Johan, I assume you wern't being serious. "Saving" stuff like that isn't part of my personality. As to the "right of passage".. my reference was to the plethora of posts on LS featuring info gleaned from computers and cell phones. The last time I was in a comitted relationship (25 year marriage) cell phones, at least those we could afford did not have storage memories, other than "speed dial".
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 You might be surprised at how attitudes come through during normal conversation. If she felt secure in your relationship, she wouldn't be checking your cell phone.
magichands Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Johan, I assume you wern't being serious. "Saving" stuff like that isn't part of my personality. True. Putting stuff off, and letting it fester is a recipe for disaster. Deal with it there and then. I'd tell her straight-up that oral will square the ledger.
Author LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 You might be surprised at how attitudes come through during normal conversation. If she felt secure in your relationship, she wouldn't be checking your cell phone. Relationship? Ah... we went out to dinner twice, lunch and a flick once, and to a casino dancing once. That constitutes a relationship? I am not being obtuse, possibly I am ignorant of "dating rules" or "relationship rules" but I though relationships took a lot more time than that to form. What happened to "getting to know someone"?
johan Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 What happened to "getting to know someone"? That's what she was trying to do! ha ha
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 ^^^^ Exactly. She's got a feeling about you and is substantiating it.
Author LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 ^^^^ Exactly. She's got a feeling about you and is substantiating it. What feeling? I haven't dated anyone in six months. I suppose it's hopeless discussing it with you, as your mind is made up!! I'm a "cheater in waiting". It's good to know that there may be a substantial percentage of the female population who assume "guilty until I decide he's not". Not a problem though. The lady won't be an issue in the future. I will also look into buying a password protected cell phone to protect future dating partners from themselves.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 What feeling? I haven't dated anyone in six months. I suppose it's hopeless discussing it with you, as your mind is made up!! I'm a "cheater in waiting". It's good to know that there may be a substantial percentage of the female population who assume "guilty until I decide he's not". Not a problem though. The lady won't be an issue in the future. I will also look into buying a password protected cell phone to protect future dating partners from themselves. Why? Do you have something to hide?
johan Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 ...I will also look into buying a password protected cell phone to protect future dating partners from themselves. I wouldn't do this, personally. I prefer to keep my life a pretty open book for whoever I'm with. That's not to say I want someone just freely digging around and going through my stuff. I expect whoever she is to respect me. But I'm not going to go around password protecting stuff and locking it all up. For me, trust has given to someone at least as much as it has to be earned by them. And it doesn't hurt me if she knows what the list of numbers on my cell phone is. She can write them all down and call them if she wants. I'm not ashamed of who I associate with. If she really is that interested, she should ask first. I don't like someone snooping around trying to "investigate" me. It doesn't matter who you're with, you can always find something to be upset about if you want to take the time to look.
Author LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Why? Do you have something to hide? I suppose nothing more serious than the names of my doctors, financial adviser, church affiliation etc. Things that in days past would have been considered "private" until such time as a person decides to share them with another. Trial, just curious. Are you equally OK with a man going through your phone... or maybe even your purse? I'm sure you have nothing to hide.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I suppose nothing more serious than the names of my doctors, financial adviser, church affiliation etc. Things that in days past would have been considered "private" until such time as a person decides to share them with another. Trial, just curious. Are you equally OK with a man going through your phone... or maybe even your purse? I'm sure you have nothing to hide. Completely. If he gets too interested in my cosmetics or tampons, I would really start to wonder though...
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Oh, forgot to mention. My ex was fascinated with my new phone so I handed it over to him and left him to play with it for over an hour. I have nothing to hide.
Road Rage Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 On average, people who snoop have something to hide. They are well aware they cannot be trusted themselves and therefore are prone to doubt others sincerity.
bridget_jones Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Her behavior is very strange! That would never even OCCUR to me. I was just in a serious relationship for two years, and I had plenty of opportunity to check his cell phone without his knowledge, I NEVER would do that and I know that he NEVER would have done that to ME! I also read on here about how people dating somehow get access to email passwords of their significant other, and check their email whenever they want! I was at my SO's house a lot during those two years and on his computer a lot, and I could have easily checked his email, it was open right there on the screen but again, this is something I never would do or have no desire to do. You did the right thing!!!! You don't need that. I would be offended, too, if I were you, if a guy I was in the early stages of dating or serious about went through my cell phone and I found out about it, he'd be GONE. If you were 20 years younger, I would want to go on a date with you! I totally feel people get caught up in ok, we've gone on a few dates, now we're in a 'relationship.' I want to really get to know that person and form a special bond before I go to bed with him, and I have been criticized on here for this. Plus, until I get serious with a guy, I'm not cheating on anyone. I'm not one to sleep around, but until I'm serious I'm seeing other people and I'm assuming they're doing the same. If we do decide to become a serious couple, then you talk about expectations...and it would NEVER EVER occur to me to snoop through a date's cell phone, whether we had been on a few dates, engaged to be married, or married for 5 years! and if I have a reason to check his cell phone, I would ASK him FIRST. I am surprised at how many people on here feel it's OK this woman treated you like this!!!
bridget_jones Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 that has nothing to do with Lakeside Dream's point. You showed the guy his phone, you were aware he was looking at your phone. It DOESN'T MATTER if the original poster had 'nothing to hide', he probably doesn't really care if this woman knows he called his financial advisor or church associates, it's the fact that she was snooping through his phone! She has no right to do this! It would be totally different if she said "Oh, cool phone, mind if I look?" But if she is looking at the features, fine, she has NO BUSINESS going through his phone list of numbers? The original poster is right, is there no sense of freaking PRIVACY and DECENCY anymore regarding relationships? Personally I know it's a running joke that people go through their date's medicine cabinetes, well I feel this is wrong, because they might be on medication and such and it's not my place to SNOOP. Now if I am having a headache, need an aspirin or whatever, HECK...I'll leave the bathroom and ASK my DATE if he has a freaking ASPIRIN, not go snooping through his stuff myself. There is NO Justification for snooping around, it is just rude. Oh, forgot to mention. My ex was fascinated with my new phone so I handed it over to him and left him to play with it for over an hour. I have nothing to hide.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 that has nothing to do with Lakeside Dream's point. You showed the guy his phone, you were aware he was looking at your phone. It DOESN'T MATTER if the original poster had 'nothing to hide', he probably doesn't really care if this woman knows he called his financial advisor or church associates, it's the fact that she was snooping through his phone! She has no right to do this! It would be totally different if she said "Oh, cool phone, mind if I look?" But if she is looking at the features, fine, she has NO BUSINESS going through his phone list of numbers? The original poster is right, is there no sense of freaking PRIVACY and DECENCY anymore regarding relationships? Personally I know it's a running joke that people go through their date's medicine cabinetes, well I feel this is wrong, because they might be on medication and such and it's not my place to SNOOP. Now if I am having a headache, need an aspirin or whatever, HECK...I'll leave the bathroom and ASK my DATE if he has a freaking ASPIRIN, not go snooping through his stuff myself. There is NO Justification for snooping around, it is just rude. Chill bridget. You get so worked up. I leave my phone everywhere and my purse sits open on the side table. I simply don't care if someone wants to snoop unless it's a burglar. As previously specified, I have nothing to hide. My text messages and address book are all in the open for anyone to read.
bridget_jones Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I doubt the original poster has anyhing to hide. aNd if he called another woman that day, so what? It COULD be another woman he's dating, it COULD be his sister, it COULD be a female friend...what is this date hoping to find out by going through his memory on his phone of people he called? I would feel totally violated and disrespected if I were this man. I leave stuff around the house, too, and have dates in. THAT DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO SNOOP THROUGH MY PHONE OR PURSE IF I LEAVE IT OPEN ON THE TABLE. Heck, I don't care if he knows who I call or what bank I go to should he see my checkbook slipping out of my purse...BUT...IF HE IS GOING THROUGH MY STUFF, MY PHONE, MY PURSE, THAT IS JUST WRONG. I have nothing to HIDE, either, it is just really WRONG of someone to snoop through your stuff. If Lakeside Dream's date thought it was OK to go through her date's cell phone, then WHY DIDN'T SHE DO IT WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM, WHY DID SHE ONLY DO IT WHEN HE HAD LEFT TO CHANGE? EXPLAIN THAT ONE, PLEASE. SHE KNEW SHE WAS CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING WRONG, she got her hand caught in the cookie jar and tried to laugh it off.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 As I wasn't wearing shoes, my return was quiet, not by design, mearly by happenstance (no shoes saves my carpet). What I found was my date going through the memory on my cell phone! I was flabergasted. When I asked "why are you doing that", her reply blew me even farther away when she said in a joking demeanor.. "just checking on how many other girls (I'm 57!) you are dating". I flopped into a chair, collected my thoughts, and supressed my anger for a minute and told her that I was sorry, but I didn't want the evening to go any further and I'd prefer she leave. She went ballistic, saying I was being paranoid and unreasonable. I didn't relent. What a dumbass move! WTF! Reminds me of a Sex in the City episode, Carrie and some guy meet, have sex and he leaves her alone for afew hours in his apartment...She got curious and snooped, going through EVERY drawer, closet etc...He came home and busted her! Uhmm, reverse the situation, if you did the exact same thing to her, she would FREAK on you! She freaked on you anyway, even though she was in the wrong. That's a huge red flag! And, after 4 dates, or even after 40 dates, you don't just go through someone's stuff, whether it be their phone or their purse! Christ, I still TELL my husband if I'm going to go into his wallet and grab 20 bucks...Just like he won't go near my purse, let alone go in it - But if he does, he asks. Good for you for standing your ground. Next time she won't do something really stupid
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I doubt the original poster has anyhing to hide. aNd if he called another woman that day, so what? It COULD be another woman he's dating, it COULD be his sister, it COULD be a female friend...what is this date hoping to find out by going through his memory on his phone of people he called? I would feel totally violated and disrespected if I were this man. I leave stuff around the house, too, and have dates in. THAT DOES NOT GIVE THEM THE RIGHT TO SNOOP THROUGH MY PHONE OR PURSE IF I LEAVE IT OPEN ON THE TABLE. Heck, I don't care if he knows who I call or what bank I go to should he see my checkbook slipping out of my purse...BUT...IF HE IS GOING THROUGH MY STUFF, MY PHONE, MY PURSE, THAT IS JUST WRONG. I have nothing to HIDE, either, it is just really WRONG of someone to snoop through your stuff. If Lakeside Dream's date thought it was OK to go through her date's cell phone, then WHY DIDN'T SHE DO IT WHEN HE WAS IN THE ROOM, WHY DID SHE ONLY DO IT WHEN HE HAD LEFT TO CHANGE? EXPLAIN THAT ONE, PLEASE. SHE KNEW SHE WAS CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING WRONG, she got her hand caught in the cookie jar and tried to laugh it off. Again, chill with the caps. I hope you don't speak that way in person. It's really rude... Each person has a different level of tolerance and privacy. Me, I'm an open book. Don't trust me, here, take a look if you want if it makes you feel better. I simply don't care.
whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Each person has a different level of tolerance and privacy. Me, I'm an open book. Don't trust me, here, take a look if you want if it makes you feel better. I simply don't care. Yes, that is true...Some don't care at all...But there has to be boundries, even if you are an open book and don't care! With that being said, would you go to your friends house, and while she leaves the room and dare to go through her purse because you were curious? Or do that to some guy you were just starting to know? It's just so disrespectful and nervey of someone to do that.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Yes, that is true...Some don't care at all...But there has to be boundries, even if you are an open book and don't care! With that being said, would you go to your friends house, and while she leaves the room and dare to go through her purse because you were curious? Or do that to some guy you were just starting to know? It's just so disrespectful and nervey of someone to do that. In this particular situation, it's between people who are dating. There's another aspect of this, trust between people dating/people in relationships. As for my friends and I, we send each other to retrieve items from each others purses quite often. When we're at each other's houses, it's understood that we serve ourselves. Want a coffee? You know where to find the coffee and the filters. Go to it.
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