happymom Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I am currently seperated from my H due to lack of trust. This last summer he was inappropriate with my friend while we were at a wedding. You can read my posts...we have had issues with him watching porn, he allegedly visited an ex while we were living together prior to marriage. needless to say we have had many problem resulting from all of this. I moved out Dec.29th and he moved into his own apt. We have seen each other periodically and have been intimate. I was getting to a point of thinking maybe we can reconcile, yet I really like living alone. So I then began thinking that perhaps remaining married but living seperatley may work for me/us. Well last night I went to his house to watch a movie, I was in the house two minutes when I noticed on his computer that he had been looking at an online dating site. It wasn't maximized on the screen, but was a tab that had been open. I asked him about it and he said he didn't really know why he was on it. He said that he was just looking and doesn't have a profile. He just kept saying it was nothing and he isn't looking to date anyone...he was jst looking. Well we watched the movie and he brought me home. He said he understands my feelings and that he sees he has more to work on.. I am curious if anyone understands this online voyerism stuff. It has me stumped and has really affected my marriage!
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I am curious if anyone understands this online voyerism stuff. It has me stumped and has really affected my marriage! I looked at dating sites when I was married. It was while I was making up my mind to stay or leave. I did it not to find someone else but more to remind myself that there's plenty of options. Not that I am at all the type to "need" to be in a relationship. But I guess it just reassured my small doubt of finding availables when the thought crossed my mind.
Author happymom Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 so what happened for you in the marriage? do you think perhaps my H is trying to re-assure himself there's availibility in case I say "I'm done".?
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 so what happened for you in the marriage? do you think perhaps my H is trying to re-assure himself there's availibility in case I say "I'm done".? I left and divorced him. I'm not sure why he's looking. I was never unfaithful to my husband or inappropriate in behavior towards other men so I can't really say if his head and my head are in the same place, you know? But I can see why you'd question it. And I'm not sure that if I were you I wouldn't have a hard time deciphering fact from fiction either, considering you two have trust issues.
Author happymom Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 exactly...I feel like everytime this happens it sets me ten steps backward. I told him that it keeps being brought to my attention because it SHOULD be. I told him that I believe GOD is trying to tell me something. It's just so hard to listen!
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 It's just so hard to listen! Mostly you need to listen to yourself. You guys have been separated for a while now. Ask yourself this: Is your life better with him or without him? Only you can answer that question.
Author happymom Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I honestly can more understand porn and magazines because they seem more about "looking", but dating sites is about availability. I guess that is the difference for me.
Author happymom Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 overall it's better without because I don't experience what I am experiencing right now. The sadness, disappointment, and doubt. I battle depression and I am really trying to keep myself from getting low. However, I do miss the companionship and physical closeness.
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I think you're too caught up in what's going on inside his head rather than your own. Make yourself and your thoughts a priority here, okay?
LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Happymom, I've read most of your stuff, and as you say... you and your "H" have "issues". My opinion is that currently you are in total control of the marriage dynamic. You call the shots. The two of you are living seperately, you decide when to interact with your husband. It's not unreasonable that he is beginning to research his options. Marriages are not healed by living apart. Problems (now refered to as issues) need to be faced, and dealt with one to one. "Dating" sites are very different from "porn". When first divorced over six years ago I tried the dating sites. Went out with a few gals, and it went nowhere. It wasn't a total waste of time as I met one person who I didn't "click with" no sex, however a friendship developed. While only a member for a short time, I still occasionally (monthly?) visit a couple of the sites. It's fun. First, you see how many people out there are in the same situation you are! Second, you would be suprised how many times you see someone in the grocery, or Wal-mart who has a profile on the site. That's it... I wouldn't consider becoming a member and contacting anyone.
Author happymom Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 thanks LD. Your point is well taken and very true. I think my control is due to not wanting to be vulnerable because I am the one that ends up hurt. I guess what's hard about this is that we are both clearly in limbo and perhaps we need to make some decisions about where we are going. If he is possibly thinking about what's out there and other options-and I am ambivalent and distrusting, we are going nowwhere. I guess I am scared to let go...
LakesideDream Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Happymom, Without a doubt your husband is becoming aware of "what's out there". I sense that you are missing one of the great new realities of the 21st Century. Women have been granted great advantage in the marriage/relationship arena by law. Things are not the way they were just 30 years ago. No fault divorce is almost everywhere. Even in law enforcment, the criminal codes have been modified to force the police officer responding to a "domestic" call to assume that the female is the person being "abused", whether physically or verbally. Nowhere else in criminal law are such assumptions made. I personally know of two men who were arrested for the first time in their lives for "domestic violence" when an agrument became loud enough for a neighbor to hear, who called the police. The arrests become part of permanent records.. both are professionals, who's careers were affected because their wives were silent when the police arrived. Both had the means to hire lawyers, so charges were dropped, however signifigant damage had already been done... over a loud argument! With the ability to make all the important relationship "decisions" should come some of the responsibility. It is not a level playing field out there. I do understand that the situation was previously skewed just as badly the other way, neither was correct. Be aware that your husband, who is living alone will be "looking at porn", visiting dating sites, chatting up waitress's at the local diner, and corner bar. That's what happens when a man has no home to go to. Don't blame him for following his instincts. His fear is that he is not only literally out the door, he's also afraid he's fading from your heart. I feel for you. From your posts it seems to me that you can be a fun person to be with, and have a good heart. Much of the sadness you feel comes from having a mate who is less emotionally mature than you are.
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I guess I am scared to let go... It's far better to go it alone than to have a ball and chain keeping you from flying I always say. No really you need to think about this. Sure it's scary not knowing what's in store for you but you have a general idea...you guys have been separated for how long now? How it's been during your separation is going to be similar in ways of what to expect down the road should you decide to leave the marriage, more or less. You know what you two have when you're together. You know how things are. Are they better now without him or before with him? Take time to really think this through. Also have you two considered marriage counselling?
Jinxx Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Well last night I went to his house to watch a movie, I was in the house two minutes when I noticed on his computer that he had been looking at an online dating site. It wasn't maximized on the screen, but was a tab that had been open. I asked him about it and he said he didn't really know why he was on it. He said that he was just looking and doesn't have a profile. He just kept saying it was nothing and he isn't looking to date anyone...he was jst looking. Well we watched the movie and he brought me home. He said he understands my feelings and that he sees he has more to work on.. Red flags waving everywhere! I am separated from my husband. I don't give a rats ass if he is dating but after my daughter (his stepdaughter) was visiting one day she saw a similar message on his computer. She told me. The temtation was too much. I found the site and found him. Within minutes of creating a fake profile, he hit on me and we were chatting. He had not idea he was chatting with me. The lies he told were un-friggin believable. I'm not saying your husband isn't being truthful but just be careful.
Seen_It_All Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Usually, where there's smoke, there's fire. He's shopping, looking to see what's available out there. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a profile on there but has since deleted or deactivated it so you don't find it.
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