jonny87 Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I just got the "it's not you, it's me" speech in an e-mail and I'm not sure how to respond. She didn't actually use the words "it's not you, it's me" but it pretty much boils down to that. A little background first. I met this girl online about 9 months ago. She mentioned right away that she hadn't really dated anyone in several years and seemed to want to take things slowly. I was very much okay with this because I feel the same way. Anyway, long story short, she turned out to be pretty flaky. And she would admit this and apologize. But would still keep doing it. i.e. saying she would call and not doing it, not returning phone calls, etc. I had sort of backed off a few months ago just to see if she would try to contact me, which she would always do. We hung out with some friends the other night and I purposely limited my contact with her. Today, she sends me an email saying that she's sorry about how hot and cold she has and that's she's had a really bad year (which is true) and her life is a mess right now. She said that she didn't want to lead me on and hurt me, but she can't be in a relationship right now. She said that she likes me and is attracted to me, but can't be the person I need her to be right now. Here's some of the message: I've been going through a really hard time this year, and my life is a mess. I'm overwhelmed, basically. And, I haven't dated anyone seriously in like 6 years, and I'm afraid of being close to someone. I know at the Valentine's party that I was really flirty, and then I backed off. I just panicked, and then flaked out. I'm really sorry. I tend to shut down and hide out when I'm overwhelmed. I shouldn't have handled things that way. Bottom line: Right now, I can't be anyone's girlfriend because I suck at it. I don't even know if I'm capable of dating. I know that's cliche and stupid, but it's true. I do know that I'm attracted to you, and I love your company, but that's all I can give you right now. Who knows? Maybe I'm just being really paranoid, or even worse, terribly presumptuous (you may not be interested at all), but I'm sick of not telling you the truth. And, if the other night is any indication, you're sick of my crap too. So, I hope you understand. If you don't, then I at least hope you can feel a little peace with having some clarity on the situation. I don't expect a response, but I hope that you still want to be my friend. I can't help but feel like I'm screwing up a potentially wonderful thing, but I also know that I can't be the kind of girl that you deserve. Not right now. I have to say that all of that is probably accurate and I don't think she is just making something up to blow me off. I responded to her by saying "I understand. Good luck. I hope you find whatever you're looking for." Then she immediately wrote back "That sounds so final. Like you're telling me goodbye. Is that what you're doing?" I said "no, I'm not saying goodbye, I just don't want to make a big deal out of this." Help? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Maybe you can respond with something like this: I'm sorry things didn't work out between us. If you ever do get your head out of your ass give me a call. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I thought your response was classy and to the point. There's nothing really more to say. She's the one who made it final. Tell her you're not really looking for a friend - that you have enough friends. Wish her luck and say goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
soft heart Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 To be honest I normally say this to guys that I am interested in first but then I change my mind about them. Unfortunately her feelings are not strong enough to stay with you. She likes you, she likes the company = she likes your attention and knowing you like her, she finds you attractive but she does not want to be your girlfriend. She may be telling you the truth that she is not feeling well about herself but I have had situations like that and I would not tell my boyfriend such things. I guess you might need to accept it and move on. I would just say something like: Ok, I respect your wish. I do like you but I understand if you prefer being on your own right now. I need some time on my own to deal with this. Good luck with everything. Make it final and maybe she will change her mind but I would not wait for that. Remember when a girl in love, she won't let you go so easily. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Auqakuh Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 She told you exactly what she was thinking. She said she was -overwhelmed-, which is why she backed off. Not -underwhelmed-. This girl doesn't want a split... she wants reassurance. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 This girl doesn't want a split... she wants reassurance. Well then if that's true there are two options: be the man she hopes you'd be and work through her issues with her knowing she has you on her team or, say good bye cause you'd rather not be bothered. Link to post Share on other sites
Auqakuh Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Well then if that's true there are two options: be the man she hopes you'd be and work through her issues with her knowing she has you on her team or, say good bye cause you'd rather not be bothered. ...exactly. I was adding pretty much this through "Edit" but it wouldn't let me 'cuz you posted, heh. Saved me some typing though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny87 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 "Originally Posted by Auqakuh View Post This girl doesn't want a split... she wants reassurance. Well then if that's true there are two options: be the man she hopes you'd be and work through her issues with her knowing she has you on her team or, say good bye cause you'd rather not be bothered." It's funny you guys say this because just today I started thinking that maybe my response wasn't the best. And that I should have said something more reassuring, as you said. I don't know. I want to tell her more than what I said, but at the same time I don't want to come off as needy or clingy or like I'm pressuring her or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I want to tell her more than what I said, but at the same time I don't want to come off as needy or clingy or like I'm pressuring her or anything. There's a huge difference in coming off as needy and clingy than there is in being caring and compassionate. If you care about her, you should let her know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny87 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Share Posted March 17, 2007 There's a huge difference in coming off as needy and clingy than there is in being caring and compassionate. If you care about her, you should let her know. Yeah, I guess you're right. But I've been sitting here trying to think of what to say. I mean, it could totally backfire. I could tell her all of this and then she could just respond with "Oh, that's sweet, but I already told you how I feel. Leave me alone." Or something. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I mean, it could totally backfire. I could tell her all of this and then she could just respond with "Oh, that's sweet, but I already told you how I feel. Leave me alone." Or something. Well that's a chance you have to be willing to take. Do you like her enough to take the chance? Will you see her through this? First decide that. Maybe you can just call her to say "I know you're going through some things right now but I want you to know that I'm here if you need me" or something along those lines. Or you could simply say "I miss you and I hope you're okay". If it's how you feel than there is nothing wrong with speaking from your heart. It doesn't matter how she reacts really. What matters is you're being true to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Auqakuh Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Yeah, I guess you're right. But I've been sitting here trying to think of what to say. I mean, it could totally backfire. I could tell her all of this and then she could just respond with "Oh, that's sweet, but I already told you how I feel. Leave me alone." Or something. Then if you think about it... it's entirely possible you're both having pretty much the same thoughts. I think you two need to be just a bit more open with each other, really. Could be wrong... but generally being more open isn't ever actually -bad-. If someone doesn't want to be completely open with you at -any- stage of the relationship, problems aren't going to get dealt with anyway... so might as well start opening up sometime. Link to post Share on other sites
Living_For_Me Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Remember when a girl in love, she won't let you go so easily. Words of gold right there. It's a tough pill to swallow but not a truer word has been spoken. Link to post Share on other sites
Auqakuh Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Remember when a girl in love, she won't let you go so easily. Words of gold right there. It's a tough pill to swallow but not a truer word has been spoken. S'true, but I've had plenty of friends - most of my friends are women - who have let a guy go not because they didn't love him, but because they were afraid their loving him would cause them too much pain... whether because they didn't think their feelings were reciprocated or... whatever. Sadly no one sentence is the answer to anything. Situations are always different. At least from what I've seen of life, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Living_For_Me Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Auqakuh I disagree. Women who let go of their man because it causes them too much pain? What about the pain they go through when they let their man go? If she let's him go and it doesn't cause them that much pain. Guess what? It's obvious they don't love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Be careful. Her behaviour may not be deliberate, but it is a standard device in love. Alternating hot and cold for some reason is an irresistible ruse. You risk being trapped by a girl that will never commit. Link to post Share on other sites
Chamari Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 I think her reasons for breaking off sound completely legit--partially because I've been in a somewhat similair situation. I had some issues that I needed to work through on my own so I talked to my bf about it and we broke up so I could have that space, but he let me know that he was there if I needed anything or even if I just wanted to talk or whatever--I really appreciated his support and since then I think I've worked through some of the junk in my head and we've gotten back together and I think our relationship has gotten better because of that time apart. If you really like this girl then I'd say just tell her how you feel--that you understand where she's coming from and you respect that and if she needs anything you'll be there for her. If she's really having some hard times, she could probably use some emotional support--as long as it's on her terms so she doesn't have to worry about feeling pressured by you or something. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 When she says "it's not you, it's me," she's really saying it's you. You'll realize this when she hooks up with someone else. Happens all the time. Stop fooling yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Auqakuh Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Auqakuh I disagree. Women who let go of their man because it causes them too much pain? What about the pain they go through when they let their man go? If she let's him go and it doesn't cause them that much pain. Guess what? It's obvious they don't love him. Pain today is easier than pain tomorrow, when it's "going to hurt much more". There's a million ways to rationalise it, and if they exist, people WILL use them... not just women, either. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted March 21, 2007 Share Posted March 21, 2007 When she says "it's not you, it's me," she's really saying it's you. You'll realize this when she hooks up with someone else. Happens all the time. Stop fooling yourself. True. When a woman says this it IS you.... However, that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you or that you did anything majorly wrong that needs to be fixed. If you're an orange and she likes apples, it doesn't mean you're a bad orange that someone else won't enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 You should introduce her to your parents if you want a girl/boy to leave you alone, that will get get them of your back real quick Link to post Share on other sites
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