casoria99 Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Hello...but I just needed a place to let this out. This is a note I just wrote a friend who has been supporting me through letting go of a bad relationship. I just wrote it while crying painfully and this should give you an idea of what was causing my pain that I feel (the anger, the longing, the desire, the love, the passion, the ignorance, the guilt, the lack of self esteem). He is telling everyone that I was the instigator, the culprit and a seducer and he was weak and not responsible for any of it. He is a serial cheater yet blames me for the divorce and I never cheated with anyone or on anyone until him. Yes the pain coming out is BAD! It's the worst feeling, but what I realize is that the pain is no different than the pain I felt when he came around. Before I lived in fear that he would one day leave and today I live in knowing that he is gone. Pain is pain but you are just in pain for something that at least is FINAL and I have hope, EXTREME HOPE, that I will be healed from this destruction and can one day not feel one way or the other about him. I am also starting counseling and will even take antidepressants to cope through the next 6 months. We broke up on December 8 and so it has been a few months but because I am deeply ANGERED by this man, this situation, and myself, I do not act this anger out but instead it's staying bottled up inside of me and comes out in tears at any given moment. SO HERE IS MY LETTER TO MY FRIEND ABOUT MY FEELINGS THings are better in that I am not in the initial pain but I feel completely traumatized by the entire event. I know that I am suffering from depression and my self-esteem is shot. It's not that I am not trying to do soemthign about it everyday, but all of these feelings are stuck. I think it's the result of the entire ordeal. It's the feeling of never being satisfied and always having those feelings exposed without getting treated properly. It's teh feeling of getting so PISSED at times that I cursed at him and was so mad and he would put a "little" effort forward and sound so sweet and convincing that I beleived that it was genuine when it wasn't. It is the feeling of competing with a woman that he said was always a bitch and I could not understand why he would stay if he was treated so badly. Its' the feeling of believing everything that he said and still not knowing what was the truth, what wasn't and wondering if he is still lying. It's knowing that he is blaming me and now calling me a stalker because of the last three weeks, yet he was coming to my house for the last three years! It's the feeling that he is going to church as a couple and I know trying to work on his marriage and using me as their mutual enemy for why it should work. It's the feeling of being used. It's knowing that deep down inside he hates me and probably hated me or never loved me considering that he never gave me much except a meal, phone calls, emails, and sex. It's knowing that I caused incredible damage to my daughter. And I caused incredible damage to myself. It's not trusting anyone right now. It's the feeling of standing in my shower in my bathroom and that is the most frightening place to be. It's crying at any given moment. It's not thinking clearly. It's trying desperately to cover up the pain. It's feeling like I have the midas touch but it spoils everything. It's knowing that I grew up fatherless, had an alcoholic mother who died when she was 56, a brother who is in jail, a sister that we do not talk to each other much, a bunch of uncles who are married and focused on their wives, their wives do not bother to call either, a grandmother who isn't grandmotherly, my daughter's father who is non-existent (and I don't know what to do about it), friends who I don't know if they are friends, a business that is not growing the way it should, and it's even how I see things. It's a man who was beautiful (truly) on the inside and outside, who was romantic, and nice and would have kept seeing me until she found out. It was a man who I fell so deeply in love with because I moved here and was lonely and was also lonely from my family makeup and here was this handsome, wealthy man who was a great father, a religious spokesperson, living in a big house that was completely paid for. And I wanted that or even 1/4 of that feeling because I felt so good and when he kept coming back in November, I didn't want to really lose that one person. And it's knowing that I destroyed the life of a good man and set my life up for some serious failure. It's feeling hugely responsible for everything because he hates me, blames me for everything, and he is with her! The rejection is numbing and if I were any older, I would have died a long time ago from a broken heart. could things be this bad really?
Author casoria99 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 It's feeling like I am not worthy of being loved or hugged because I feel like dirt. And it's knowing that I knew it was wrong and getting all of the bad vibes, but asking him questions and listening to what he told me RATHER than listening to what I was telling me about it! It's knowing that for some reason I trusted his opinion better than me. It's even thinking that he never told his wife the things he told me (about his cheating and his sexual fantasies) and because of those private moments, I believed that he would never lie to me because he felt so comfortable telling me some of the oddest things. It's feeling STUPID and knowing that I can't talk to too many people about this because they will all tell me "you should have known better" and they will never see me the same way again. I don't know how to recover.
sadbuttrue Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 oh casoria99, i am so sorry for all of your pain. please dont feel like things will never get better. you will recover, maybe it will take a lot of work and a lot of time, but you will. i am sorry he treated you the way he did. you do not deserve that. dont let his deceit make you feel like less. he has no right to blame you. you can always talk here. we are here to help. we understand.
Author casoria99 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 oh casoria99, i am so sorry for all of your pain. please dont feel like things will never get better. you will recover, maybe it will take a lot of work and a lot of time, but you will. i am sorry he treated you the way he did. you do not deserve that. dont let his deceit make you feel like less. he has no right to blame you. you can always talk here. we are here to help. we understand. sadbuttrue, thanks for listening. I know I misspelled a lot of words but too upset. Actually, I read your thread about how you met with the husband and wife and you lied. I think that you said you don't want to end it. So I posted this same thing in your forum and too emotional to sign in. But it didn't take I don't think, so I started a new thread. I really wanted you to know that the fallout is greater because you do cry and let go of all of those emotions that are bottled up and waiting to be properly handled. But in actuality the pain is still pain and it's just different in that I do not see him or talk to him on a daily basis and knowing that they are making their marriage work all because of his involvenment with me and her discovery of me. don't set yourself up to be used like I did. Also, I, too, met with my MM and his W and lied about why he came to my apartment about 9 months into our relationship. He sat there and didn't say anything and in the end he apologized but to her for coming over to my apartment to "fix my car" but never admitting that he was cheating. But the next time I saw him, he was in my face and hugging me and kissing me and doing all of the things to make me think that he loved me better than her.
woe_is_me Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 sorry to hear that you're suffering so excruciatingly our A only went for 1 year and i can remember around 3 - 4 months later being THE worst time .. i think thats when it sinks in that you won't be hearing from them anytime soon be good to yourself and don't do anything crazy just try to get a book or some movies to watch .. you must start distracting yourself and letting go of him.. he is cruel..find good people and surround yourself with them.. he may not be gone forever. .xMM called me not long ago after 4 yrs of no contact (thats why im here). i know i moved on eventually.. but where you're at was the hardest time of all .. What happened in the last few weeks? Did his wife find out about you?
sadbuttrue Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 casoria, i thought the fallout with the wife would most likely end our A, but it didnt. nothing has changed. i am in the same place as i was before, his W may be slightly more suspicious, but he is not worried about her discovering the fact that we are still seeing each other. i tried a passive-aggresive way to solve my dilemma, and it didnt get me anywhere. that was still more than i thought i was strong enough to do, but i did it. i hope that i can eventually get myself out of this mess, but it is extremely difficult when you feel such love for these MM. i wonder how they are able to inspire such love and devotion? is it them or us? i dont know. anyway, i hope you feel better soon. dont give up on happiness. it does happen and sometimes even with someone available.
Author casoria99 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 sorry to hear that you're suffering so excruciatingly our A only went for 1 year and i can remember around 3 - 4 months later being THE worst time .. i think thats when it sinks in that you won't be hearing from them anytime soon be good to yourself and don't do anything crazy just try to get a book or some movies to watch .. you must start distracting yourself and letting go of him.. he is cruel..find good people and surround yourself with them.. he may not be gone forever. .xMM called me not long ago after 4 yrs of no contact (thats why im here). i know i moved on eventually.. but where you're at was the hardest time of all .. What happened in the last few weeks? Did his wife find out about you? Actually, it was a 3 year thing. But back in November, a lightbulb clicked on and I got completed ANGRY! I ended it but he kept showing up, showing up, calling, calling, emailing, emailing, bringing me large sums of cash, crying, crying, etc. It wasn't like he did anything BIG but he did more than the one hour lunchtime. I didn't want it to end because of the holidays and feeling weak and afraid to be alone. But a few weeks later, she found out we were seeing each other still and he ended it. Well I didn't know for sure if he really was ending it because we have done it so many times before and gotten back together, so I wanted to see him and I guess I was still in shock that he ended it. So then he treated me as if I was a criminal and was stalking him and had a security guard come out. I left but was angry. I was mad that he was ACTING as if he was a victim! Then the following day, beause of that one time I show up to his job after he ended it, he filed a restraining order on me. That hurt because my daughter and I were in the car and this offduty officer pulled up behind our car and blocked it. I was terrified because I thought I was being ROBBED! And he gave me the papers. My daughter was scared to death. The order went through in court because we had an ice storm and I couldn't get to court because it was 30 minutes away (in good weather). So because he got that order on me (by default), he is saying that I am a stalker which is not true!!!! I left him alone, yet I miss him. But I feel bad now because I found out that he lost his 90K a year job. They let him go because of that incident. I guess it's karma but I feel completely responsible and I know that he hates me because he lost his job and is blaming me. I think that hurts because I wouldn't ever hurt him which is why I made concessions (stupid me) all the time. He lost it actually TWO DAYS after I was served papers. And I guess he must have been laughing with her when I was served but that's how Karma works. I am not suicidal but know that if my daughter wasn't here, I would be totally lost and alone. Thank goodness for my daughter!!!! But I found his photos that I took of him, I have a dirty video tape that he bought and left here, and some other little things that he kept here because he couldn't bring him into his house. I think I am upset because I am stopping myself from sending him his SINS, SKELETONS, and TRASH back to him to discard. See, I don't feel that I can throw it away. In some ways, I am making myself responsible for cleaning up his mess. So I am thinking about gathering this stuff and sticking it in an envelope and mailing it with instructions to throw his own trash away and I am not the dump! Also, it will show him (and her) that just four days before he filed the paperwork, we took a picture together and he was smiling like a cheshire cat. (it's dated) In the past, I kept the photos and would have never shown them to protect him. But I am not trying to hurt him, but I feel that if I send his things back to him, then I am sending a message (if only to me), that YES I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY PART, but he is responsible for his part. I think I need that for closure and I know I am not the wife, but right now, I am still a mother and a human being. And God has not forsaken me just because I am not the wandering husband or his betrayed spouse. I know I am in a deep depression that I was in while meeting him and really had it since my mother passed a year before meeting him and moving to a new town. SO let's just say that the last three or four years have been dismal and his attention was the only light. So now that it's gone, I am feeling all of the pain and really don't know where my head will wind up after all of this.
Freedom Now Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I am so sorry for your pain. In addition to all of the pain you feel, you feel a loss of control when it comes to the xMM, and that frustrates and angers you. You have been treated abominably by him and more than anything, I think you must be shocked that the relationship has unraveled as quickly as it has. He has turned on you. And even though he is a colossal pr*ck, you are still reeling from the after effects. I would probably feel just as you do....FOR AWHILE. He isn't worth your pain and suffering. He isn't worth one grain of salt in your tears. He is pitiful and pathetic and most importantly, a coward. Hold you head up, keep your dignity, and walk away from him forever. By doing this, you will regain some of your self respect. You are a worthy individual. Do not let one ***hole make you believe differently. You are better than him and this situation. Believe it.
Author casoria99 Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Well, I let all of that trash out of my system and I feel better. Actually, I can't say that I am just laughing and slap-silly but I am not wringing with pain. Today, I cleaned and threw a lot of my own papers away. Just cleaned. I didn't get it completely finished but I feel like I accomplished something great. And I found his photos and other things that used to "mean so much" to me but were nothing but scraps and I have made my decision. I am not trhowing them away but sending them to him. It's his trash (and his wife's), it's his choice (and hers) of what to do with them. But I am not responsibile for cleaning up after his mess. I am responsible for my part in this. He has told his story to reflect that I was chasing him and just constantly coming after him. Yet, he was the one showing up to my house! I wasn't showing up to his! But it's what his wife needs to hear to justify it for herself. So they both can blame it on me so that have room to "rekindle that loving feeling." As an OW it was an incredible stressor to always worry about what would happen if she found out, the kids, or if he left me, his schedule, his boss, his meetings, his money, his cell phone, his holidays, his weekends, his bedtime, etc. (puking) Sending his things back will be worthwhile. And he did buy me clothes, furniture and things like that. But to really be washed from him, I would like to replace all of these things with my own things of that from a real loving man for me. I have this dream of driving up with a uhaul one day and setting all of those things on the curb at his home. Oh and I really want to deliver the mattress of my bed! That's the first thing I am replacing this week: MY BED! And I am getting my daughter one, too!
woe_is_me Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 well it's good to hear that you have moments of feeling better.. you have to stop beating yourself up so much.. and it was brave of you to share your story ..sounds to me like your mm is more upset about losing his well paying job than destroying you and his sham of a marriage.. my xmm works somewhere that i'd have interpol called on me if i even tried to stalk him at work lol so that's very out of the question oh and the gifts don't worry about all those gifts ..what's the point now .. she already knows about you and from the sounds of their loveless material based marriage she'd probably be happy to have them. YOU keep them young lady! I'm surrounded by things he bought for me and fixed for me but after a while it really won't bother you (unless he calls you 4 years later) I had visions of dumping everything on his front lawn but some of it is furniture and i dont own a truck lol. The gifts/money are only compensation for them not being there and i didn't really like the money..didnt sit well...he used to leave in places and not tell me though.. im not married because i refuse to live with someone i don't love just for material reasons..(like they do) It sounds like u gave a lot of yourself during the A..in terms of trying to cover for him and keep eveything a secret. Its a symptom of being an OW i guess..as are visions of dumping things on front lawns and notifying wives. But we are only half to blame...so u must stop blaming yourself so much! From what ive been reading and exerienced .. OW dont really start to see the MM in a different light until the A has been exposed. If he doesn't want to leave his marriage this is when you find out i guess.. It probably is something that really needs to happen.. and don't worry about his stupid career .. he will be fine .. just worry about yourself. I know you miss him but he was so in your face you had/have no chance to love anyone else..this is what they do.. just be kind to yourself okay. Why do they buy clothes and furniture for us..? weird!
HennyPenny Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 casoria99, thank you for sharing your story here. Clearly this man took advantage of your lonliness. His actions have been completely despicable. I have no doubt he presented himself to you as sincere, and gave you every line in the book. I have a married "friend" who is always going on about how his wife mistreats him, and for the most part I take these statements for what they are. I know he's working on me. Unfortunately I have strong feelings for him. When I find myself believing the things he says, feeling sorry for him and feeling flattered by his attention, I come here and read. Then I realize what a textbook case he is and it's easy for me to keep my distance. I come here and read quite a bit, and believe it or not, reading yours and other's stories here helps me. I know it's not much consolation to you, but there it is. I commend you for your strength. You are beating yourself up over this, but you do know you don't bear the full responsibility for this situation, I hope. Maybe take a year "off," just hang with the daughter, treat yourself to a vacation, enjoy old hobbies. I know revenge feels good right now, but once you move past it and all that garbage is cleared out of your life, you'll feel so much better. I wish you the best of luck.
Author casoria99 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Thanks to everyone's inputs. Yes, this is all coming from a pastor or former pastor who is trying to desperately reclaim his rank in the church. And his marriage. And I am not so much hurt by the fact that he is workign on his marriage. Shoot, they are "perfect" for each other. Both of them are mentally deranged. But I got involved and feel just as crazy now. I am spending time with my child and doing a lot of spring cleaning. I am also working on my health. And on Monday or Tuesday I will send him his last things and that will feel good to let him throw his stuff away. Okay, so I am a bit nuts for wanting to deliver my mattress to their front yard, but it sure would be some radical Thelma and Louise, or 9to5, or that movie that starred Roseanne Barr (she had an ugly mole on her face). Freedom Now, I know that my story doesn't sound like yours but when you described your relationship, it was identical, except I knew the entire time he was married. But I thought that since he was a pastor, he wouldn't lie to me. Our endings are not the same. I was not as smart as you to walk away. Woe, thanks for your thoughts. My MM spent a lot of cash (thousands) on me for rent, utilities, eating out, clothes, furniture, jewelry from helzberg. He was extremely lavish. And romantic as he loved wine and cheese. He was Spanish and good looking. The foreign accent, the Spanish music, his sense of style, etc. was so different from the US guys who look, dress, and act the same. He was cultured and even cut all of his food with a knife while I ate with my fingers. How many of you know someone who goes to fast food restaurants and use a knife to cut the hamburger in half? I felt less classy to some degree but he always would say "relax, it's okay baby." And then he would grab my hand, and tell me how he loved the shape and length of my fingers, then kiss the back of my hand....I feel like he treated me like a prostitute except had I been a hooker, I wouldn't have cared if he called me on the weekends, remembered my birthday or any of that. Because I wouldnt' have been in love. I told him once that if he wanted a ho, there are places to find them and without the drama. But his ego requires you to fall head over heels for him. I never had a man tell me that he loved my fingers and I don't know too many midwestern american boys who kiss women's hands. It's so europeanish or 1940's to kiss a woman's hand. It didn't make me tingle, but it was so sexy watching his lips shape up to kiss my hand. I don't wear nail polish nor do I shape them. I do not have fake nails but he always said he loved them. Or he said he liked my full lips. To me, they were just big lips and although many people like Angelina Jolie's, I never heard it and really never thought that big lips were attractive. But he loved them and loved when I kissed him on his cheek. He said that his wife's lips were thin and that she never did that because she felt that the man should do the pursuing and not the woman. He said that his wife would not come and grab him and lead him to the bedroom and rip his clothes off. He always had to do it. And I knwo that this is hard to believe but he really did not have sex with her. The first few times that we did it, he had to go and get viagra pills and he still could not get hard. And he is not very big. But what I loved about him was that he was so charming and different and took care of me. One lady from here told me that lots of men have the qualities that he had: charm, money, good looks. But I needed a man that had honesty, integrity, and character of which he lacked and still does. This is a "man" of God who should have built his marriage on the principles of the Bible, if he believed it. But instead, he built it on the backs of the women he slept with while married. As shaky as our relationship was because he was married, I strongly feel that they are trying to make things work because it is so knew and he is doing things to regain her trust. Plus he is having a hard time looking for a job I hear. I know he is blaming me for the job loss. But he also should have known that a recent restraining order makes it hard for him to get hired because of the background checks. Even if he got his awarded they still judge him for the issue and he has to now talk about it. I told him about the one I ptu on my duaghter's father year's ago when he broke into my house. And I told him how hard it was for me to find work with the pay that I deserve because of that incident. But he really wanted to come off like a victim and portray me as some fatal attraction when he had just taken me out of town for the day just a few days prior to all of the mayhem. If he had come out and dealt with both of us and taken his part in this, he would still have a job because he wouldn't have come out with a security guard. Someone also wrote that this is the 3 to 4 month window where I am realizing that it is over. And I do. I think that about 3 weeks ago, I quit trying to truly communicate with him. Restraining order or not, I knew that I could get messages to him through other people and I know that he got them. But I really made the decision to remove those friends from my life for at least 6 months so that I can really try to move on and I guess that's why I am reeling right now. My goal is to get over the romance and make my own cash and become extremely sexy and happy. And I would love to feel confident in singlehood again. After this experience, I don't know if I will ever trust a married man, especially if he was really MY MARRIED MAN.
lovernotafighter Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 his wife probably made him get that order, but it is in place and thats that. it's hard to get over these guys but mark my words as soon as he is starting to get out of your system he will be calling you again. it's then when you are gonna have to be really strong and tell him to kiss you beautiful independent darie air. good luck woman, you can do this!
Freedom Now Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 LNF is right. Some of these MM are very, very tenacious. But, hopefully when you hear from him again, you will be strong enough to stay away. My xMM wants me to be his OW again. Now that he realizes that he has lost me: really lost me, he has made many, many attempts to reel me back into the affair again. It never was like me to be the OW then and it certainly isn't me to be his OW now. As you would imagine, I declined graciously and wished him well. Is he done with me? I would hope that he would admit defeat and search for another OW. I don't know. And I won't be around him to know one way or another, so I don't care. And that is where you need to get: apathetic. Where you just don't care. You'll get there.
Author casoria99 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 his wife probably made him get that order, but it is in place and thats that. it's hard to get over these guys but mark my words as soon as he is starting to get out of your system he will be calling you again. it's then when you are gonna have to be really strong and tell him to kiss you beautiful independent darie air. good luck woman, you can do this! Yes, I am dealing with that. And I cannot wait to get him out of my system completely. I will never take him back! I learned too many things. I am learning how strong I am. I dreaded facing Dday. It has been a long winter. But Spring is here. And I survived it. I held on to him, not because I loved him (I mean, I loved him) but once I knew that this sucked, I would rather stay and put up with the pain rather than deal with the pain of coming off the drug. But last week was a doozie because it was real intense pain (and hopefully the last of the intense pain). I find that I still think about him. That's where teh relationship has always been (in my head). And it's hard to get that part of it over. He was here only 1 hour a day but I thougth about him 24 hours a day and also worried about what he was doing, if he was kissing, what were they talking about, did he do something special, and on and on. So I have to get over the mental part of this relationship. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I grab a book (self help, the bible, positive quotes) and I read until I feel peace and he is gone from my head. The biggest challenge of removing an A relationship is removing it from my head.
puddleofmud Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 "He was here only 1 hour a day but I thougth about him 24 hours a day and also worried about what he was doing, if he was kissing, what were they talking about, did he do something special, and on and on. So I have to get over the mental part of this relationship. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I grab a book (self help, the bible, positive quotes) and I read until I feel peace and he is gone from my head. The biggest challenge of removing an A relationship is removing it from my head." Excellent observation and very good advice--I admire your strength and your method(s)!
Author casoria99 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 casoria99, thank you for sharing your story here. Clearly this man took advantage of your lonliness. His actions have been completely despicable. I have no doubt he presented himself to you as sincere, and gave you every line in the book. I have a married "friend" who is always going on about how his wife mistreats him, and for the most part I take these statements for what they are. I know he's working on me. Unfortunately I have strong feelings for him. When I find myself believing the things he says, feeling sorry for him and feeling flattered by his attention, I come here and read. Then I realize what a textbook case he is and it's easy for me to keep my distance. I come here and read quite a bit, and believe it or not, reading yours and other's stories here helps me. I know it's not much consolation to you, but there it is. I commend you for your strength. You are beating yourself up over this, but you do know you don't bear the full responsibility for this situation, I hope. Maybe take a year "off," just hang with the daughter, treat yourself to a vacation, enjoy old hobbies. I know revenge feels good right now, but once you move past it and all that garbage is cleared out of your life, you'll feel so much better. I wish you the best of luck. Thank you so much for your words. My MM complained all the time about his wife. He made her out to be some vicious, evil, crazy woman. And I was pretty level headed when I met him, or so I thought. But right now at this very moment, he has turned me into this evil, dark, vicious crazy stalker, criminal as if he was forced into doing it. He literally HATES ME for loving him and believing his bullstuff. I know this is hard for people to understand, but when I was with this guy, I had real conversations. At least I did. And he answered. He didn't look like he was lying, but he was truly a politician if I had ever seen one. He did not love his wife or so he said. And in fact, he said he hated her. He said the times that were okay was when noone was arguing but at any given moment she would fly off the deep-end. And if you knew him and her, you would believe his bullstuff. I mean, everyone at church knew the games his wife played. And everyone saw how he always showed up and did what he needed to do. He was quiet and soft spoken and always nice. He was rarely mean at all. So I believed him like everyone else...except I heard all of the gory details.
Author casoria99 Posted March 22, 2007 Author Posted March 22, 2007 "He was here only 1 hour a day but I thougth about him 24 hours a day and also worried about what he was doing, if he was kissing, what were they talking about, did he do something special, and on and on. So I have to get over the mental part of this relationship. In the morning, before I get out of bed, I grab a book (self help, the bible, positive quotes) and I read until I feel peace and he is gone from my head. The biggest challenge of removing an A relationship is removing it from my head." Excellent observation and very good advice--I admire your strength and your method(s)! Well renewing my mind is what I am working on. But you know why I was most upset? I was crying because deep down I am ANGRY! I am so mad. Mostly I am mad that I lost my integrity, my ability to tell the truth, my PRIDE, my ego, my opportunities just to be with him. I sold my soul to the devil, so to speak, for a kiss on the back of my hand. That's the toughest for me to bear. But in some ways, I feel that I have no deeper to fall. So I get to start rebuilding my mind, my heart, and my life. This is like anyone coming out of an addiction. I feel like Whitney Houston!
Recommended Posts