Cr8zy8 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 OKay - new to the forum. It's kind of scary. I'll probably be seeking out the advice of some OM out there...since I need to get their point of view on some things..like how do I know if my mm has started to fall in love with me...its' killing me..and I'm afraid to ask but need to know!
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Does it really matter, especially since he has a wife? He's probably loving the attention, the newness and crushy sexual feelings. Why do you need to know? Do you feel like if he loves you, he'll quickly end his marriage with his wife, and be with you?
Author Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I know he loves the attention, and the crushy feelings. I do too. It's something that has been brewing for most of the years we've known eachother and I actually don't think I'd like him to leave his wife...things would be better I think, the way they are... but it is important for me to know without resorting to asking him..so if anyone has any advice on how to read that or how I can know - I'd welcome the response!!
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 But, the way things are now, well to be honest, it's selfish of both you to keep an affair going. You're helping him deceive his wife and children if has kids. He's living a lie, betraying those he claims to love. And, you're settling for a man who has a wife. He can never give you all that you want - Eventually you'll want more. Why is it so important to you that you know he loves you? I mean, what if he isn't willing to tell you? You also have to remember, as you've said, he likes the attention, so think of this as feeding his ego. He has two women now in his life who meets ALL his needs... Think about what is it you really want. Go read some threads in this section by some OW and see their pain, what crap they go through daily. Then, go read some threads in the infidelity section and see how devastated spouses feel when the find out their husbands/wives betrayed them by cheating. Are you sure you want to be part of it? Be prepared for one day his wife finding out and be ready to face the heat when that day comes....
puddleofmud Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Love is natural and when someone loves you they just naturally tell you all the time. It just comes with great ease. Why are you so worried about this? If you love him haven't you allowed yourself to freely ask HIM? A person shouldn't be so worried about that, to just simpy ask. Love is freedom--there are no boundaries with love. ASK and hopefully you will get what you need or at least need to hear. No reason to worry at all if you feel secure and loved, the words will come.
Author Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Yes, I know what you are saying ...I am also committed - therefore I am getting what I need from two men as well. Of course an A is selfish - but it can fill a void for so many as many of us here know. I am also quite familiar unfortunately, with the pain of being on the other side - the last thing I would want is to cause any pain -- but I think the A that I'm in came out of a mutual caring that started as friendship (5 years ago) and over the course of the last 2 years (with the past 3-4 months being the most intense) grew into where we are today. It is selfish and I deal with feelings of guilt as well - but I can't deny how my feelings for this person are changing. I have no idea how this will turn out in the end, except that a part of me does need to feel love and be loved and even go through all the emotions that I did so long ago and which are no longer there. I think many of us here can relate to that feeling since people have A for this reason many many times. In the end, we are none of us perfect and only looking for happiness.
Author Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 PUDDLE OF MUD - You make perfect sense...I am afraid of the answer basically. If he says no, I don't think I could go on with this and it would mean the end of this relationship - which would make me extremely sad. But you are right in the face of things, and I have to think about why I am so afraid..I've never been afraid to talk to him about anything...but now I feel like I risk losing something by saying something maybe too early. I guess I need to find the strength to accept what will happen if he doesn't love me first. How simple, yet how complicated it is for me to do that.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 No good can come of this, even if he does say he loves you. You're both married! Have to ask, do you have children? Does he? I wish you'd focus that energy into fixing your marriage, finding that love again FOR your husband by going to counselling. Messing with a MM will only bring alot of pain and heartache, not only to you, but MANY other innocent people. He may NOT ever tell you he loves you...He may be happy enough with how things are and not want to talk about love and feelings. Be prepared for anything when you open that door more.
Author Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Well, I can't say that I agree that no good can come of this. Puddle Of Mud - your words have really had an effect on me... thank you.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Well, I can't say that I agree that no good can come of this. Minute to minute, maybe...Short term happiness, and that happiness comes with a HUGE price - Hurting your husband. Losing his love, his faith and trust in you. I'm just saying you have ALOT to lose, so I hope you think this MM is worth it.
NearlyThere Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Welcome to LS. At the end of the day, those words, "I love you", are just words, albeit they carry a lot of meaning. Men generally find those particular words very difficult to say, there was a big article in one of the newspapers here recently saying that men find it more difficult to say those words than the word sorry, not too generalise too much obviously. I would not worry about those 3 words, I would be more concerned about the way he treats you. Does he treat you with respect, kindness and consideration. Does he really really listen to you and just want to hold you to make you feel better without expecting anything in return. Does he keep his promises to you, to the best of his ability, obviously. Not play games with your mind, not lie and manipulate you to his advantage. In my mind those are more important things to think about than those words. Those words can trip of some peoples tongues very easily and used to their own advantage to get what they want. To be honest once you cross the line so to speak and those words are spoken your Relationship with this MM will set you off heading for a whole new realm of hurt as time progresses. As WWIU has said read more posts on this board of current OW and exOW and see how it all works out, or doesnt as is more the case. It sounds like in some ways you are stuck in a relationship like I was, you don't say if your married or not, I had nearly 12 years in one, over half of them not being in love, looking for a way out. 4 of them sexless, through my choice. As time goes on it does NOT get easier, if you don't have children and your sure your not in love with your current partner and feel you are more like brother/sister, now is the time to think about leaving. Not because of the MM but for YOU. That is what I did, when I met the MM I'm seeing I realised how bad my R had become and I had to get out no matter what became of my R with the MM. You only have one life, one shot at it, dont waste it, surely he, your partner deserves to be with someone who loves him as well. You do not want to get to the point where you almost dislike him, I was there, I would do anything than go home and see him. Don't get me wrong I know its not easy, especially when you feel your partner is still as much in love with you as he has every been, its hard to break someones heart by telling them your not in love with them any more, but it would be worse for them to find out your in love with someone else any other way. Hope this all makes sense, its turned into a bit of a ramble. NT
Author Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Nearly There- You have hit the nail on the head. You have described what I have been in exactly and know how I feel to a tee. My current R is now about 10 years old and I know I still love him as a person -- I just am not sure I am still in love with him romantically. My relationship with MM definitely fills that void and I probably want it to be everything that my R is not. This won't be easy as I am actually allowing myself to start asking these questions of myself. I know what you are saying about what happens once those words are said. Neither MM nor I have any children from our current relationship. I have thought about leaving my current R many times - we actually broke up once already - I initiated it -- and got back together for all the wrong reasons -- he was still in love with me and I felt I could also give that back to him once we got back together -- I don't feel that this has happened...and I feel like I made a mistake - we both deserve the chance to have what we want. I am glad that you found the courage to do what you needed to, I need to begin doing that as well. It help tremendously to talk this out....I have actually never confided in anyone about MM. It feels good to be able to talk to people who understand.
sadbuttrue Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 cr8zy8, have you thought of just telling him how you feel? do you love him? if you tell him that you love him, he either says it back or he doesnt. if he cant tell you at that time, then maybe he will give some reason. at the end of the day, it really only matters what you each get from each other and how happy that makes the two of you. if you are happy with him, then dont worry about the love question. if you need him to love you to stay with him, then you must be prepared to leave if you dont get the answer you are looking for. good luck, whatever you choose.
NearlyThere Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Nearly There- You have hit the nail on the head. You have described what I have been in exactly and know how I feel to a tee. My current R is now about 10 years old and I know I still love him as a person -- I just am not sure I am still in love with him romantically. My relationship with MM definitely fills that void and I probably want it to be everything that my R is not. This won't be easy as I am actually allowing myself to start asking these questions of myself. I know what you are saying about what happens once those words are said. Neither MM nor I have any children from our current relationship. I have thought about leaving my current R many times - we actually broke up once already - I initiated it -- and got back together for all the wrong reasons -- he was still in love with me and I felt I could also give that back to him once we got back together -- I don't feel that this has happened...and I feel like I made a mistake - we both deserve the chance to have what we want. I am glad that you found the courage to do what you needed to, I need to begin doing that as well. It help tremendously to talk this out....I have actually never confided in anyone about MM. It feels good to be able to talk to people who understand. The trouble is I think people find it difficult to understand how you can stay in a R for so long when you dont love them especially for a long time. It is easier to leave a R if they do something to make you dislike them or hate them, or they disrepect you, etc, but when you have the other person telling you they love you still it is very hard. I can honestly say it was one of the most awful moments of my life when I told my ex I no longer wanted to be with him, he was devastated, I felt awful for upsetting him and also for not being able to love him like he loved me but once I had done it, I don't believe I have ever regretted it, it was like this wave of relief came over me. I kept hoping that the R in the state it was in would still be enough, that I would be able to continue living the rest of my life like that or that it might get better. Then I met MM and it was like a KAPOW between the eyes, it woke me up. I realised I couldn't live the rest of my life like that in almost an emotionless void. My ex and I still had some laughs together but it was not enough and believe me, as you might know being in a double bed with one person clinging to the side and almost 5 feet between you is not good. So I came to the conclusion I would rather be alone than stay in the void any longer and although R with MM is a road to no-where I know I made the right choice with my ex-partner, he is now free to find someone else and so am I. I really do know what your going thru with regards to your current sitch and I would be tempted to get that sorted out first before you start using the L word with your MM, I should imagine that he is pretty much feeling the same as you anyway, it seems the emotionless and or sexless void is more common than you think.
Author Cr8zy8 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I really do know what your going thru with regards to your current sitch and I would be tempted to get that sorted out first before you start using the L word with your MM, I should imagine that he is pretty much feeling the same as you anyway, it seems the emotionless and or sexless void is more common than you think. Thank you for all the advice -- I will be sure to post updates. I'm glad I found this forum to keep me from talking to myself in circles about it!
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