Motor35 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Do you think it is cowardly to simply stop talking to someone you love? I have been involved in a toxic relationship for 6 years and have finally had enough. Everytime I think of telling him it is over I get terrible panic/anxiety attacks. When I think of just slipping away, changing my number and email, that seems less daunting to me. I love him so much, but I can't deal with this relationship anymore. Am I a coward if I do end it by simply not dealing with it?
climbergirl Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Do you think it is cowardly to simply stop talking to someone you love? I have been involved in a toxic relationship for 6 years and have finally had enough. Everytime I think of telling him it is over I get terrible panic/anxiety attacks. When I think of just slipping away, changing my number and email, that seems less daunting to me. I love him so much, but I can't deal with this relationship anymore. Am I a coward if I do end it by simply not dealing with it? I apologize if you've already posted this, but how is your relationship toxic?
bluetuesday Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Do you think it is cowardly to simply stop talking to someone you love? I have been involved in a toxic relationship for 6 years and have finally had enough. Everytime I think of telling him it is over I get terrible panic/anxiety attacks. When I think of just slipping away, changing my number and email, that seems less daunting to me. I love him so much, but I can't deal with this relationship anymore. Am I a coward if I do end it by simply not dealing with it? hmmm. i'd hesitate to call you a coward. but i do think being dumped by someone who just disappears would be confusing, enraging, bewildering and unkind after six years together. BUT you say it's a toxic relationship. that could mean you don't want to be found by him if, say, he hits you or wouldn't want you to have a happy life without him. so if that's the case, leaving quickly and quietly would be sensible. it is daunting to leave someone you know you can't continue a relationship with. but if you love him and he won't get violent, i think you should try to tell him to his face. i think you probably owe him that since he has invested six years of his life with you. if you leave it unexplained, he will never know what went wrong between you. however, if you try to explain, maybe he will be able to see how he contributed to the problems between you and do better next time. so you could be helping him break the cycle of having bad relationships. and since you say you love him, i'd try for that instead of leaving him hanging. a firm decision and a reason will also help him get over you more quickly than never knowing what happened and possible waiting for you to come back for the next however many months and years. i suspect you get panicky because it is really scary to take your life in your hands and make decisions. but it's better than having all your decisions made for you. some people treat their partners so bad they force the partners to dump them so they don't have to be the bad guy ending the relationship. THIS is cowardly. try to be an adult about it and tell yourself that ending things IS the right thing to do and someone's got to do it -- before you lose another six years to a guy you don't ultimately want to stay with.
jerbear Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 It depends on the issue that caused the silent treatment. Toxic relationships is a good reason. Not talking to a person is a means to stop further escalations which can lead to someone saying the wrong thing or a physical fight. Silent treatment is a good way to heal and move on. Everyone has a way of doing things.
Author Motor35 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 He won't commit. He cheats. He has no concern for anyone's feelings but his own. He lies. He is verbally abusive. He uses people. He drinks too much. And he won't show emotion or communicate with me. I would easily say we have more rough times than good times. I am sure I am forgetting something.... He is also rude and egotistical and no future plans....
climbergirl Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 He won't commit. He cheats. He has no concern for anyone's feelings but his own. He lies. He is verbally abusive. He uses people. He drinks too much. And he won't show emotion or communicate with me. I would easily say we have more rough times than good times. I am sure I am forgetting something.... He is also rude and egotistical and no future plans.... Given that, I think you've dealt with it enough........seems like he hasn't. If he isn't pulling his share then I think there isn't much you can do. One sided relationships will not work. Do what you have to do to make you OK.
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 A silent treatment in an established relationship is nothing more than drama or an attention seeking move.. drama looking for a resolution. So if you just disappear all he will do is hunt you down and bother you trying to get back together.. If you want out then get out.. set him down and don't waiver from your stance and end it.. give him closure so you can move on and so can he.. Leave no room for getting back together unless that is what you want to do.
lorr Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 There is never an easy way of breaking up with someone, and at the end of the day there is no law to say that you must stick with him for the rest of your natural days. Your clearly not happy within the relationship and although your finding it hard, its better to tell him from now rather than prolonging the situation. You at least owe him that much.
jerbear Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 He won't commit. He cheats. He has no concern for anyone's feelings but his own. He lies. He is verbally abusive. He uses people. He drinks too much. And he won't show emotion or communicate with me. I would easily say we have more rough times than good times. I am sure I am forgetting something.... He is also rude and egotistical and no future plans.... He sounds like a bad boy? There is a saying that the apple doesn't fall to far from the tree. If he is like this now, commiting will not save him or help you in the long run. Not having future plans is different than not knowing what he wants to do when he grows up. I've seen people who are egotistical yet have future plans; they fare better than those who are egotistical and no plans.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Saying nothing will make HIM react and maybe look for you. I would make plans to move out if you are living with him, THEN tell him it's over. But, if you're not living with him, definately tell him it's over and not to contact you again. You don't owe him anything, he's cheated on you, treated you poorly...Only thing you owe him is to tell him "bye bye."
Author Motor35 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Maybe I should have said more. We have been on and off for 6 years. Right now he is seeing another (possibly two) woman. He splits his time, and what he and I have is only on HIS terms. And he knows I have been having a rough time with this lately. I think he even feels troubled when I have panic attacks, as if he doesn't want to deal with it. He hasn't been very supportive with my feelings and I think he is annoyed most of the time with my love for him. It is an unhealthy love that has been going on too long. BUT I still have all of this love for him, but can't take it anymore.
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Then just tell him that you can't do it anymore and end it..
jerbear Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Sounds like he is playing with 3 women including you? I had a relationship or whatever that was ok then turned toxic; one of the best way to end a toxic relationship is to end it and move on. If he is causing you pain and ignoring your needs then it maybe time to move on. Sound like you are still pinning for him and 6 years of on and off is just a little odd. If you can deal with the on and off then that is him and live with it. The panic attacks is unhealthy, you might want to consider professional treatment. Your panic attacks could also be the reason for the on & off again relationship? Without knowing the backgrounds the on & off again portion is just speculation.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Maybe I should have said more. We have been on and off for 6 years. Right now he is seeing another (possibly two) woman. He splits his time, and what he and I have is only on HIS terms. And he knows I have been having a rough time with this lately. I think he even feels troubled when I have panic attacks, as if he doesn't want to deal with it. He hasn't been very supportive with my feelings and I think he is annoyed most of the time with my love for him. It is an unhealthy love that has been going on too long. BUT I still have all of this love for him, but can't take it anymore. He has two more women he sees other than you? And you see him on HIS terms??? Crap, no wonder you're having anxiety attacks and are feeling depressed. GET OUT. Just leave. Infact, leave him a note! Don't even bother speaking to the idiot! The longer you stay, the worse you'll feel. He isn't even supportive of your health!
Author Motor35 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I just blocked his emails. Next I might change my phone number. If I just stop talking to him, he would know why. I've been a wreck lately. I feel like such a wimp! I know he would turn everything around if I told him I was done, he would make it my fault. He has quite a talent at turning everything around to benefit him. As much as I love him it is so sick and twisted and I don't think I can actually TELL him it is over. I am just going to walk away.
whichwayisup Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 And I bet ya in afew weeks your panic and anxiety attacks will be less. They may not go away, but atleast you'll be OUT of a situation that is causing alot of stress in your life. Hang in there, and keep posting.
amerikajin Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 He can piss off - he isn't owed an explanation. He knows exactly what he's been doing. He probably will react and come looking for you, but it's not like he's going to go easily if she does it face-to-face. The problem is with him, not with her. He is manipulative, insecure, surly...leaving is going to injure his ego and shake him to the core no matter how you do it. I would make sure you take care of yourself first - things like this do have a tendency to escalate, and I would be prepared.
Zankon Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Motor35: I won't tell you break up and move on because all you said about him so far are negative things... yet you still have so much love for him. so how about you tell us what's good about him that keeps that love alive? every story has two sides, and we're hearing your side only... could you tell us the bad things you do that made this relationship grow sour... it takes 2 to dance the tango! Only then you can get sound advice :-)
Recommended Posts