georgejungle Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 All of the sudden, i'm starting to wonder if she is... And what does needy even mean? My example is the fact that she seems bummed out like she's not doing her job if she's too tired to make dinner, even though she makes dinner almost every night. She aplogizes too much for it, like she's being a bum. It's not all the time, but every now and then she has what I think are NEEDY moments. Yeah she's into cuddling a lot and yeah she tells me she loves me hundreds of times a day, but I'm just use to her abundance of love. I give it back too. Sometimes, i'll admit it does seem a bit much too me, but I like it and I think it's rare. I just hope it's not unhealthy.
norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Sounds like she is giving to you - making dinner, cuddling and i love yous. That makes her a giver, not a needy person asking for more than she's getting.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Your wife loves you, and expresses it often. How is that unhealthy?
Author georgejungle Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I Just Mean It feels like She apologizes too much for what she considers letting me down. At Times it feels a bit too much like Master and Slave...."I'm sorry I'm not making dinner, I'm a bum.." "Sorry I didn't clean up the house, I was so tired from work, i had to nap, I'm sorry, i feel like a horrible wife"... Maybe needy is the wrong term...I just feel like there's TOO MUCH Apologizing going on for my comfort. I know she has a little bit of a low self-esteem, but as much as I tell her it's O.K. or nourish her mind or try and encourage her that it's O.K., She still get's very aplogetic. It makes me feel weird.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Obviously it bugs HER that she isn't getting done what she feels should get done by her. This isn't needy at all. Needy is her NEEDING you to DO and HELP her with everything. This to me, sounds like she's being really hard on herself and is stressing out. Tell her I love you, who cares about dinner. We'll order in! Problem solved...I know you're tired and I know you love me, so making dinner tonight isnt' a big deal. (Or you cook for her!)
sweetbutcheeky Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 She definatly sounds like a giver, maybe to a fault. Sounds like she is putting too much pressure on herself to be a perfect wife. Tell her that she deserves a break and you make dinner (not saying that you don't) and maybe before she gets a chance to put herself down or apologize you can try and beat her to it and say "don't worry about the house being untidy relax and put your feet up", "that she is a great wife and is going a great job and doesn't need to apologize for anything" (she is human).
norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 How about if you change her perceptions - why does she think it's her JOB to cook dinner almost every night when she also has a paying job? Maybe you can sit down with her, and work out some kind of schedule where it also becomes YOUR responsibility to cook dinner 3 nights a week, she can cook the other 3, and you go out or order in the 7th night.
tanbark813 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 To provide a perspective other than "It's always the guy's fault": I think gj might be feeling something similar to how women feel when guys place them on a pedestal. I think gj's wife putting herself down so much is making him uncomfortable because he thinks she's worth more than she does and the difference is creating a bit of cognitive dissonance. Just a hunch though.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I Just Mean It feels like She apologizes too much for what she considers letting me down. At Times it feels a bit too much like Master and Slave...."I'm sorry I'm not making dinner, I'm a bum.." "Sorry I didn't clean up the house, I was so tired from work, i had to nap, I'm sorry, i feel like a horrible wife"... Maybe needy is the wrong term...I just feel like there's TOO MUCH Apologizing going on for my comfort. I know she has a little bit of a low self-esteem, but as much as I tell her it's O.K. or nourish her mind or try and encourage her that it's O.K., She still get's very aplogetic. It makes me feel weird. Needy is probably not the exact term. It sounds more like she is feeling insecure and needs assurances from you in order to feel loved and appreciated.
fairy_dust Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Come to think of it I am that way with my husband and with my actions to want to be around him, bother him, talk to him, cuddle, hug, kiss, make love, befriend, sacrifice, and most of all being in love with him. Doing the domesticated duties everyday, between employment to help pay for bills or give him money and now in full time college to get a better paying job in few years. YEA I am needy to do almost everything for my husband. I do apologize when I don't get dinner cooked sometimes or the house is total chaos and out of order. *sighs* He even tells me I am so needy and well I say yea you chose and married me so be happy you get all this attention But you know I teach him how to cook or I ask him to do things that I am unable to do because I'm tired or don't feel like it. So you should let your wife know if she can't make dinner or have the house clean for whatever reason take the initiative to do that for her. When she comes home hug her and kiss her tell her you love her, bring her to take a shower and relax while you do what she does for you daily. Hope this helps:)
serial muse Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 To provide a perspective other than "It's always the guy's fault": I think gj might be feeling something similar to how women feel when guys place them on a pedestal. I think gj's wife putting herself down so much is making him uncomfortable because he thinks she's worth more than she does and the difference is creating a bit of cognitive dissonance. Just a hunch though. I agree, tan. I'm guilty of too much apologizing at times; sometimes it's a knee-jerk thing and when I realize I'm doing it, I cringe when I hear myself. And when other people apologize a bit too much (my mom does this, which is probably where I get it from ) I cringe at that, too. So it's possible that she may not even be aware that she's doing it. But anyway, it's clearly a cry for reassurance and yes, that's needy. Not the worst problem in the world, since she's clearly very loving and giving, too. But as it's making you uncomfortable, gj, maybe you could sit her down and say gently that she doesn't "owe" you dinner and she doesn't need to apologize so much, because you're not her Master. And that in future, you'll playfully swat her behind each time she apologizes, just to make sure she remembers. And hopefully, she won't apologize for it.
Author georgejungle Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Tell her I love you, who cares about dinner. We'll order in! Problem solved...I know you're tired and I know you love me, so making dinner tonight isnt' a big deal. If i do this (and believe me, i DO it) it'll work, but I'll still have to hear about a half an hour of "sorry" and "thank you" and it just goes on and on. She'll let me solve the problem and I'll tell her it's no big deal and that I love her and there's no need to apologize, but she'll still say: "O.K. but can I please just explain to you that i'm sorry and that I'm just tired and I meant to go to the store and grab stuff for dinner, but I was just so tired and......" It'll go on and on sometimes. All this, even though she made dinner four or five straight days in a row, and she's worried about One night where she didn't. sheesh. it's clearly a cry for reassurance and yes, that's needy Yeah, and that's why I wasn't sure if you could consider it "Needy" or not. She does need a lot of reassurance most of the time. She has her better moments where she's cool with whatever. But a lot of the time, I need to REALLY reassure her that "it's OK"!!!! Honestly, I find myself getting short with her at times, not mean, but more trying to dismiss the talk she's about to do, before she does it. I just don't want to hear it. Frankly, it's annoying. And this is coming from the guy who would NEVER yell at my wife, I would NEVER disrespect her, I would NEVER insult her either. I love her. But she's driving me a little batty right now. Not sure why it's happening MORE than normal, but it is. She's gotten worse
serial muse Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 If i do this (and believe me, i DO it) it'll work, but I'll still have to hear about a half an hour of "sorry" and "thank you" and it just goes on and on. She'll let me solve the problem and I'll tell her it's no big deal and that I love her and there's no need to apologize, but she'll still say: "O.K. but can I please just explain to you that i'm sorry and that I'm just tired and I meant to go to the store and grab stuff for dinner, but I was just so tired and......" It'll go on and on sometimes. All this, even though she made dinner four or five straight days in a row, and she's worried about One night where she didn't. sheesh. Yeah, and that's why I wasn't sure if you could consider it "Needy" or not. She does need a lot of reassurance most of the time. She has her better moments where she's cool with whatever. But a lot of the time, I need to REALLY reassure her that "it's OK"!!!! Honestly, I find myself getting short with her at times, not mean, but more trying to dismiss the talk she's about to do, before she does it. I just don't want to hear it. Frankly, it's annoying. And this is coming from the guy who would NEVER yell at my wife, I would NEVER disrespect her, I would NEVER insult her either. I love her. But she's driving me a little batty right now. Not sure why it's happening MORE than normal, but it is. She's gotten worse well, maybe there's some new trigger that's causing a spike in insecurity? anything new going on with you two? are you spending more time at work lately? new people in your lives?
Asafan Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 My wife does exactly the same thing. "I'm sorry I didn't get to the dishes today." I'm sorry the house isn't that clean." Saying I love you every time we talk, lots of touching and stroking. (Which I LOVE and return). I think she is just insecure and needs lots of TLC that's all. She sounds like a gem. Be grateful and reassure her as much as you can.
Author georgejungle Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 No nothing really new. We are a new married couple, new by 8 months. But we've been together 5 years. She thinks I'm the greatest guy in the world. She tells me all the time, I tell her the same. She's awesome, funny, cute, caring beautiful, etc. Maybe she's worried I'll leave her one day. She has no reason to believe anything like that, but Why Else would she act so? Just lack of self-confidence?
Author georgejungle Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 My wife does exactly the same thing. "I'm sorry I didn't get to the dishes today." I'm sorry the house isn't that clean." Saying I love you every time we talk, lots of touching and stroking. (Which I LOVE and return). YES!!!! This is right on the money. This is how it is for me.
Asafan Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 No nothing really new. We are a new married couple, new by 8 months. But we've been together 5 years. She thinks I'm the greatest guy in the world. She tells me all the time, I tell her the same. She's awesome, funny, cute, caring beautiful, etc. Maybe she's worried I'll leave her one day. She has no reason to believe anything like that, but Why Else would she act so? Just lack of self-confidence? Wow, your wife really sounds a lot like mine. And we've been together almost the same amout of time (just a bit longer) You lucky guy Yep, just insecurity. That's all it takes. Was she abused as a child? In a lot of prevous bad relationships? That kind of stuff doesn't really go away. Whenever my wife gets all apologetic like that I just hug her and tell her it's okay and not to worry. It doesn't really bother me when she does it though because I know she is just trying to be a great wife. It's important to her and she wants to make me happy.
serial muse Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 No nothing really new. We are a new married couple, new by 8 months. But we've been together 5 years. She thinks I'm the greatest guy in the world. She tells me all the time, I tell her the same. She's awesome, funny, cute, caring beautiful, etc. Maybe she's worried I'll leave her one day. She has no reason to believe anything like that, but Why Else would she act so? Just lack of self-confidence? maybe that's it. but one thing you could try, as you're getting frustrated, is to ask her (not in an accusing way, but in a gentle way) if there's some specific thing she needs to hear you say or that you can do to convey reassurance so that it truly sinks in. people sometimes unknowingly have specific things that they need, which make them feel particularly loved and cared for. she may not even be aware of what those needs are, but it might help to explore them together.
Recommended Posts