Wraith Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 This is my first post here, so bear with me if its not according to ettiquette or the tone of the forum. I expect for my story to make me a few enemies here, but I have to tell it anyway. In October of 2003, I met a girl. She was 23, and I was 18. We started dating, and in May of 2004, she got pregnant. I proposed to her, and we were married the following July. Things went well for awhile. Our financial situation was not all that great because I've never been able to keep a job for longer than 6 or 7 months. Our daughter was born in January of 2005. My wife was originally from California, and we lived in Mississippi at the time. She had spoken at length about wanting to be back in California, and in late April of 05, I decided to move us out there. We moved in June. I got a job working at a casino soon after we arrived. For months, I'd felt unappreciated and tied down. I've come to discover that I'm a sex addict. I'm not necessarily addicted to sex itself, so much as the endorphin release from climax. I have a naturally addictive nature, which is why I haven't been able to stop smoking for longer than 2 months at a time. I used to consume vast amounts of caffeine before it began to give me panic attacks. Anyway, I began to get attention from females at work that I craved, and wasn't getting at home. I ended up giving a girl a ride home one night, and we ended up having sex. I was in tears the entire way home. A month or so goes by, and I end up with Chlamydia. I have to confess this to my wife. By this time, I had hooked up with two other girls, totalling three. I had never felt so ashamed and so heartbroken in all my life. The guilt gnawed at me with rusty steel teeth. Naturally, my wife was devastated, but she did not know about the other two girls. She only knew about the first. I knew further knowledge would make matters worse, so I decided to hide it and try to forget about it. The guilt continued to hammer on me for months, and I confided in an online friend about what happened. Months go by, and my online friend becomes angry with me after I warded off romantic advances, she then contacts my wife via email and tells her everything. The excrement hit the oscillator on a grand scale at this point. My wife was torn for weeks, and finally decided to file for divorce, much to my protest. This was in june 2006. At this point, I left back to mississippi with my daughter for a few months to cool down, visit family, and let them see their grandaughter. While there, I talked to a girl online that I used to work with. I told her what had happened, and soon confessed that I had a major crush on her when I worked with her. She confessed to mutual feelings, and I decided to come back to california to be with her. I was coming back anyways, because I wasn't about to leave my daughter, and my daughter was scheduled to return to California in august. So on August 24th 2006 I moved back to California and began dating the new girl. She ended up pregnant. We were both happy, and I was worried also. My divorce will be final next month, and I have kept this news from my ex-wife for five months. I finally told her yesterday. She exploded, and told me that I was cheating, lying piece of **** and that I knocked up my girlfriend while I was still married. Of course, I countered this by informing her that she was also still married to me, and that it didn't stop her from screwing two guys and that she couldn't just call herself divorced and then pull out the "technically still married" card whenever its convenient. She then informed me that she intends to file for full custody of our daughter and sue me for back child support. This is particularly complex since we had a verbal agreement at the beginning of the filed divorce that She would waive the child support payments so long as I had an active hand in taking care of my daughter. I did this as much as I could. I've had trouble keeping a job, as usual, and I've had to make 2-hour round trips 3 days a week to pick my daughter up from daycare and take her home, all on my girlfriend's dollar. I've caused one hell of a train wreck, and its easy to peg me as a deadbeat dad and a bad person, and maybe I am, but its not because I didn't care. I think I got married way too young and for the wrong reasons. And now I have a colossal basket of mistakes that I will have to life with for the rest of my life. That's my story in a nutshell.
kimberlyk Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Shame on you! You seem to see what you did wrong here, but my question is why did you let it happen? Do you plan on begaving this way behind your new woman's back? And if you had the need to climax so often, did you discuss your needs with your wife at all? I really have to say that I think you should not be jumping right into another relationship, you should have taken the time to find out why you did what you did and seek counseling, either way I would say that you should get into counseling NOW and especially before you bring another woman into your life and ruin another new life. This may sound harsh, but it is your fault by not communicating with your wife, you got her pregnant and married her, that was your decision for not using multiple forms of birth control, you know what comes out when you ejaculate (no pun intended). The bottom line in all this is that you denied your child the opportunity to have a mother and a father living under the same roof...I hope you change your ways and bring some stability into your life for the sake of these children. I don't think age has anything to do with it, so don't use it as an excuse for your behavior.
Touche Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 So what's your question. Obviously you know you messed up big time. I hope others can learn from this. I always say that no one should get married before the age of thirty. You didn't really ask for advice but my advice to you is to get a job and stop whining about how you feel "unappreciated" at work, so you quit. HELLO! Who DOESN'T or hasn't felt unappreciated at work...not a reason to quit. Especially since you have kids to support. Look, at this point all you can do is handle things like a man. You have adult problems now. There's no going back. So be a man and step up to the plate. And I hope you don't cheat on the current g/f and produce any more children.
Author Wraith Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 So what's your question. Obviously you know you messed up big time. I hope others can learn from this. I always say that no one should get married before the age of thirty. You didn't really ask for advice but my advice to you is to get a job and stop whining about how you feel "unappreciated" at work, so you quit. HELLO! Who DOESN'T or hasn't felt unappreciated at work...not a reason to quit. Especially since you have kids to support. Look, at this point all you can do is handle things like a man. You have adult problems now. There's no going back. So be a man and step up to the plate. And I hope you don't cheat on the current g/f and produce any more children. I said nothing about feeling unappreciated at work. I discussed my needs with my wife quite a few times. I get my shortcomings. I don't need any of you to pour lemon juice into already gaping wounds. I have spent many hours flat on my face begging God to forgive me for what I've done. I posted my story because I am reaching out for some sort of positive insight from someone who has been in a similar situation. I need to know that me and my situation are not hopeless. I've heard to no end the "you should be ashamed" crap. I am, and I have been, and will continue to be, but not because you think or say I should be.
AHIWON Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Time to man up. Get some self respect. Be honest to the people around you and treat them with respect. Not a nice guy, just respectful. Grow from there.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Not only did you marry too young, you became a father ten years too early. Let me guess, the pregnancies were accidental, right? I can't really help you, but you've got my full sympathy.
Author Wraith Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 Time to man up. Get some self respect. Be honest to the people around you and treat them with respect. Not a nice guy, just respectful. Grow from there. I appreciate your reply, but from what everyone has said, I don't have anything left about myself to respect.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Don't listen to all the crap you get. If you were a girl, you would be their hero.
Author Wraith Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 Oh I've gotten blasted up one side and down the other by enough vindictive feminists to populate a large suburban neighborhood. They're quick to completely disregard much of what I say, and view me as an unremorseful, callous, evil person. This is very far from the truth. Well all have demons of our past.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Just curious: how did your women get pregnant? Was it planned?
Touche Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Sorry but I thought you said you felt unappreciated and tied down at work. I guess I misunderstood. I'm also sorry that you don't like what people are saying. Of course there's hope. Just move forward. Do the right thing and don't repeat the same mistakes. Enjoy your kids and try to make a life your you and for them. What else can you do? There's no magic bullet here.
Author Wraith Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 The wife wasn't planned. I was 19 years old when that happened. The girlfriend was actually sorta planned. She wanted a child, and I was fine with that. I love my daughter, and I love babies. I felt like I had lost my daughter to a degree, and I wanted to feel what it was like to be a full-time daddy again to a little one.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Figures... 'Sorta planned.' Figures too... You must be one good looking buck. Well exactly the same thing happened to me when I was 19 - the girl was 24, hot as hell, and suddenly she had forgotten the pill and I was married to a girl I hardly knew and had a kid. Now, I'll give you advice anyway, advice I regret nobody gave me. Promise me you'll give it a lot of thought before acting on it. What has happened to you is partly your own fault of course, but the first girl, anyway, made a baby on you. If you are very attached to this baby, I can't help you. But if you are deciding to take care of it solely because it is the right thing to do, I say run! Go to Mexico or something. Australia. Thailand is VERY nice. Chance is, and I hate to say this, your kids will have a very hard life no matter what you do. Run now, let the women care for the kids, they are better at it anyway. And at your age, you'll not be a very good father anyway. If you ever come across money, send your women some, and when you feel ready, come back and find your kids. If you stay, you will grow to resent both your women and your kids. I hope you read this before they delete it, and remember the admonishment - think first.
Touche Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Erik, they won't delete your post. You didn't violate any of the rules of conduct but you DID give horrible advice. Running away from one's problems is never the right thing to do...or the manly thing to do. That's for cowards and people of generally poor character and I thought he was trying to change his character for the better. And what a horrible thing to deprive your kids of a father. I grew up without one so I know what it is like. I certainly hope that the OP doesn't choose that path. Sounds like he cares for his kids.
mikicmikido Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 There is nothing that you can do about the past and the decisions that led you to this time and place. You have now and forever to do better. It is kind of like that Eminem song Lose Yourself (can not believe I am talking about a rapper! ) where at the start he says If you had one shot to make it and do better would you grab it or let it slip away? This is your shot. You are here looking for help. Your mind is open to suggestion. Take that and run. Go to technical school and get a skill. You have people depending on you now and fulifilling that role could be the most rewarding thing that you ever do. From what I have read, you do not possess the skills or tools to make the right decision. It is kind of like building a house. If your children were sleeping outside and needed shelter you could either throw together a lean to with no tools or let them suffer a bit now for a relatively short time while you acquire the proper tools, skills and materials to build them a kick ass place that they will love. Right now, you/fatherhood/you in a relationship is that house. Think about what you are interested in, what you love doing and then go out and learn a skill that will give you entry level access to that kind of job. You can not build your house on a weak foundation. You must get yourself grounded and healthy first before you can help anybody. You can do it. You either will do it or you won't. You must choose. This is a defining moment in your life.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 They delete anything they don't like. Nobody else will advice you like I do, it's against the rules of decency, but your life is on the line. Kids is a lifetime sentence, and when you have not asked for them, you will always blame them for whatever is wrong with your life. I grew up without a father too, no big deal. MUCH worse to become a father at the age of 19 by a selfish bitch I didn't love.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 If you don't run, you'll listen to crap like what you get in here for the rest of your life.
Touche Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Uhm, sorry but they don't delete everything they don't like or else your irresponsible advice would have been gone. Look, no one forces anyone to have a baby. He could have used birth control..in fact he chose to have another baby. He admitted it. Go back and read! It's not true that if he doesn't run he'll have to listen to crap. More than likely, he will have respect and admiration for NOT running and for doing what is right. He said he wants to be a father. You're projecting your own distaste for fatherhood on to him. He never said he doesn't want to be a father. Where are you getting this from?
Touche Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 That's the kind of crap I was talking about. You need help, dude.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Listen Touché. I know what this is about, you don't. Back down or report me to the moderator.
Storyrider Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I suspect maybe the OP is Erik is under a different name. The language in the original post is strange. Erik, is this just a test or a game you're playing?
Touche Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Listen Touché. I know what this is about, you don't. Back down or report me to the moderator. I'm well aware of what this is about. At least I can READ...you haven't even read his story thoroughly. He said he WANTED the second child and deliberately got his g/f pregnant. And there's nothing to report to the mods. If I could report a post for just being irresponsible and ignorant, I would though. Hopefully the OP has more sense than you do. As far as I can tell, you've helped no one.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I'm deadly serious, Storyrider. I don't play such games.
Recommended Posts