weimaraner Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 hey guys thanks for all the advice, I should have listened. but i let my emotions get ahold of me. i talked to her last night and she was pissed to say the least. said she was going to change all her passwords and make sure i can never look again. said she can not belive i checked up on her she never checks up on me( which is true). she said she was interested in why he contacted her also. i also found out he is re-married, wish i would have checked a little harder. anyway i said i was not sorry for checking and she said she was not sorry for doing it. then a little latter i talked to her again after we cooled off and told her i was sorry i let my emotions get in the way of my trust for her and she said she was sorry for doing it. So we left it at that. Still do not understand why she needed to check everyday to see if he read the e-mail oh well at least i got it of my chest.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 You may have snooped, but her freaking out and telling you she's changing her passwords so you can't read her emails, is WRONG. That's a big red flag. She shouldn't be hiding anything from you, she should have NO problem with the fact you know her passwords. Explain to her that it's OK to say hello to him once in a while, but if she is thinking of striking up a "friendship" with him, that's a big no no. NO good can come of it. What is the point, UNLESS you are included, and his new wife is included... I just hope she understands how easy it is to open the door a crack, as innocently as it is, how quickly things can turn and take a different direction ... Not saying she'll cheat on you, but in all honesty, neither of you know "his" intentions. I honestly just find it odd that after so many years he would contact her.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I hate to tell you this, but it seems to me you've done everything wrong. You let the snooping become the issue, so you forgot to ask her why the f... she was being so cagey about it and deleting the emails, checking up on his responses daily. Now, you W can bring out this hurt whenever she feels in need of a little moral superiority. I dunno, maybe I've got it all wrong. I'm stumped for advice, but I'm sure there's lots of people in here ready to help you. What do you think? Maybe he should he tell her about the suspicion he still harbours? Or maybe tell her he is sorry for ever doubting her? Ask her forgiveness for snooping? Invite the ex for dinner, talk it out?
reservoirdog1 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I have to ask why she even needs to password protect her email from you. I agree, that's a red flag. Her reaction disturbs me. In the past, a GF of mine had seen something in my email that bugged her. She mentioned it to me. It was a misunderstanding and nothing was going on, so yes she'd snooped, but it didn't bother me because I had nothing to hide. Thus the snooping wasn't an issue. Attacking the "snooper" is classic blameshifting used by a married wrongdoer against their spouse. She's succeeded in putting you on the defensive and getting you to apologize for what you did, and succeeded in creating an issue out of the snooping and overshadowing what the snooping revealed. I'm not saying she's definitely up to something, but be on your guard. I'd install a keylogger on the computer. "Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing."
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I just thought of this, but if she feels her privacy will be invaded, like if a girl friend of hers is confiding in her about personal things, LET her know OFCOURSE you are not going to snoop and read those types of emails...Keeping certain types of secrets, meaning, a female friend has asked her to keep it between them, then I can understand her worrying about the password thing...But when it comes to this man, whatever they talk about in those emails should be OK for you to read.
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Continue monitoring. This is not over yet. That anger she showed you is a Freudian defense mechanism. Dig some more until you find an answer as to why she is so eager to get into her emails all the time. This is modern day romance - electronic in the beginning.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Monitoring and what? No, now it is too late! You have lost an incredible amount of alpha-mojo with your performance, and you must field the eighty-eights or you will never have sex again. For now, try to forget the has-been, he's eating up your confidence. I'm not saying it will ever happen, but try to tell yourself that it is already a done deal and focus on getting her back. You haven't lost her yet, I know, but this is bad and the best way is to act like you are already trying to get her back. To get her back, you must make her desire you. The most important thing is to get your feelings under control. I don't know the details of your confrontation, but to be honest it sounds to me that you did not cut a very good figure. It will take a lot of work to overcome the effects of your wimp-show, but it can be done. Don't mention the email and the snooping again. You need a fresh start. Forget the has-been. Plan for an affair: even if you don't manage one, seek one. You need not live it out entirely, but hang out at bars late at night, and don't give your woman any sex for at least a month. Be aloof. Become irritated if she seeks intimacy. She will seek reconciliation with you when she feels you are pushing her away. Deny her that for at least a month, and only give it to her when she is begging and crying. If she asks you if this is about the emails, it is as good as a written confession, but scoff at any such idea. You have already forgotten all about the emails, this is about something else. Something you are not willing to tell her.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Stop monitoring her. She will catch you now that she has been alerted.
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Monitor to see if he has lost her already! Then he can decide. Every cheater is a liar too. The question we have to ask ourselves when we are cheated on is whether we can still live with the same person or not. This is critical. An affair changes the relationship and everyone invoved in it.
Author weimaraner Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 so far it seems as if i never looked, we act the same i think it is behind us or should i say her. other than our confrontaion last night things are back to normal. maybe she just hides it better than i think. so should i do a key logger and keep monitoring. man this is not want i want to do with my life watch my wifes every move. i would rather just forget it happened and go on with life, and never look again (Is that the pussy way out?) i have always trusted her and wouldn't you know the one time i peek a little i get my nose cut off. What to do what to do? Why did she not act like i would have, and not be offended just tell the truth and let it go.
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 This doesn't help really. It can even make matters worse. Then, she would say he gave her reasons to seek this other guy in the email. If there is anything universal that people should learn about extra-marital affairs, it is wrong and people should not do it. If they find home sex to be too boring alredy and they are prepared for something else, make up your minds; get out of the relationship first. Be fair.
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 This was my reply to Erik. For your last comment, weimaraner, you have to get to the bottom of this e-mail thing. That's how I caught my husband. I did install the keylogger for a bit but it didn't work with my computer well as it was a demo version. Maybe if you buy, it will work better. Get the keylogger and find out. Then, get her to confess, if something is going on. Then decide what you two want to do. If separating, be careful with the decision. If staying together, make sure you are prepared for the next few months of turbulence.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 so far it seems as if i never looked, we act the same i think it is behind us or should i say her. other than our confrontaion last night things are back to normal. maybe she just hides it better than i think. so should i do a key logger and keep monitoring. man this is not want i want to do with my life watch my wifes every move. i would rather just forget it happened and go on with life, and never look again (Is that the pussy way out?) i have always trusted her and wouldn't you know the one time i peek a little i get my nose cut off. What to do what to do? Why did she not act like i would have, and not be offended just tell the truth and let it go. No. Forget the keylogger, there are better ways, and it is undignified. At this moment, the important thing is not to know, but to haul her in. You must not ignore what has happened, it is self-castration. The fact that you woman is not mad at you for snooping tells me that she thinks she has won and my personal feeling about this is that she is guilty as hell, else there would be no end to the grief she'd be giving you about it. Maybe not guilty in the carnal sense, but she is already sinning in her head. She is probably keeping this little nugget and will play it against you if you should ever have the gall to be suspicious of her again. I trust you can imagine the righteous injury she will display next time you air any doubts about who she is seeing. "Am I now to be spied upon again..." Etc., etc. You must not give her that chance. Never mention it again, never forget it. I have already given you my advice, you need to regain the psychological initiative or this will not stop. You can't keylog the problem away, you need to change her attitude. To change her attitude, you need to change your own attitude. Cheat on her in your head, she will sense it and respond by trying to reel you back in. If she feels she is losing you, her love will suddenly bloom like you wouldn't believe.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Don't listen to the therapists this time. Don't be fair. She has not been fair to you. And remember, you have forgotten all about those emails.
Greggie Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Nobody needs to change anybody. It's a lot of work. At the end of the day, you ask yourself who you did a favor to and why. Infidelity is a sign of a dysfunctional marriage. Is the marriage so dysfunctional that the only solution to be found is outside of it? We should be fair and mature enough to know what we want and to stick to it. When problems crop up, find real solutions.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Fair and mature got him into this fix. If he starts to speak to his wife about his jealousy and insecurity, it will diminish him in her eyes. Forget the therapy this time, solve the problem instead.
Sup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 so far it seems as if i never looked, we act the same i think it is behind us or should i say her. other than our confrontaion last night things are back to normal. maybe she just hides it better than i think. so should i do a key logger and keep monitoring. man this is not want i want to do with my life watch my wifes every move. i would rather just forget it happened and go on with life, and never look again (Is that the pussy way out?) i have always trusted her and wouldn't you know the one time i peek a little i get my nose cut off. What to do what to do? Why did she not act like i would have, and not be offended just tell the truth and let it go. Because she's got something to hide. Install the keylogger, a very good one too. It's evident from her reaction that she has everything to hide. I say this because then you WILL have the evidence that you need to confront her. The good key loggers capture screenshots, passwords, E-Mail accounts, etc. There will be NO denying it!
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 You don't need the keylogger anymore, it has served it's purpose, you KNOW what is going on. If you install the keylogger again you will become fixated on it, and you will procrastinate, waiting for the smoking gun. While you are reading innocuous emails they are at the Holiday Inn, the keylogger will neither prevent nor prove that. Stop snooping, it's bad for your morale. You don't care what nonsensical stuff she writes to the has-been, you don't want to know and you don't care. Don't start down this road, you will turn into something very pathetic.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Hmm... Maybe we are all paranoid. This is a real risk in a setting like this, we are egging each other into the worst case scenarios. Maybe your wife is OK. Maybe you should install the keylogger. But be sure she does NOT catch you, because then you are doomed.
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