Guest Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 My wife and I have been married for about 7 months now, we've been together for over 5 years. This upcoming Summer my family will be going on a two week vacation to Europe. My wife won't be able to join us since she will be working during that time. I agreed to go with my family and my wife is staunchly against my going. She is of the mindset that we should always vacation together and that I should not want to go on a vacation (the two of us will vacation together in Alaska this August) if she would not be able to come along. I am really torn up about this and it is really weighing on my mind. I have not had much success getting advice from anyone really, so I thought I'd give this a try. Not that this is necessarily an issue of 'right or wrong' per se, I just want to maybe have help seeing her side, and seeing what others think or if others have been in this type of situation. Thanks!
kimberlyk Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I can understand her point of view. I have to ask why there wasn't more proper planning put behind this 'family' vacation ahead of time by everyone involved...??? When you plan a 'family' vacation, isn't it just that, a FAMILY vacation!?!? ...isn't everyone supposed to put their heads together and check calendars and see who can go and when and then make the permanent plans when everyone has the time slot available...it is a 'family' vacation right?...does the term 'family' exclude certain people? I understand that your family is going and you are going along to be with them, but why wouldn't they ask you if there was anything they could do to include your wife, such as changing reservations or something...if enough planning was done for you to be able to go, how did she get excluded? Is there ANY way that she can find someone to cover for her so she can go with you? Did I stress the word 'family' enough for you in this posting ?!?!
norajane Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 It's possible your wife is feeling excluded - she is family, too, now. She might need reassurance that you see her as family now that you are married, and taking this trip without her might make her insecure. I'll bet she'd probably like to go to Europe, too, so she feels she's missing out on something she'd like to do with you. I don't necessarily agree that you should ONLY go on vacations together - I loathe camping, for example, so if my bf wanted to do that, I'd have no problem with him going camping with his friends. How did she feel about vacations while you were dating? It might just be that your marriage is young and she'll change her mind in the future. But, I presume she is important to you, so maybe this time, you can forgo the vacation.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I say your woman takes priority. She's your family now. If you go with your parents in spite of your woman's displeasure, you will be going as an obedient son, not as a man. I disagree that you should ALWAYS go together, but you've only been married for seven months. Back up your family on this one. Your real family.
Dadaal Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Why would you plan a vacation with your family if your wife is against it. I think you should stick on your wife's point of view because she is your family now.
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 The question is, how long ago was this trip planned and why didn't she try to get that time off of work? You're in a tough spot...I guess you need to do some thinking. Did you discuss it with her or just tell her that you were going? This could also have something to do with how she is reacting to your news about going away without her.
Guest Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 First of all thanks for the replies! Second off, in more detail especially to the post referring to the FAMILY vacation. The trip was planned last winter with everyone being able to go. Then my wife got an internship (we're both in grad school) and it turned out that she couldn't go. The reason why the vacation itself can't be changed is a personal family issue with my parents (it involves a court appearance) which is slated during the time the vacation is planned (essentially the main reason to go is the court, secondary is vacation, since we're already there). It is a vacation for me to see my relatives since I haven't been back there in a while. The planning was all done with my wife included and then it unfortunately turned out that she couldn't make it later on. I guess I should have made taht more clear in the beginning. Now I am in the position of having told my family that I'd see them in Europe and them expecting me to go and my wife not being able to go. I understand that exclusion feeling to the utmost, but the simple fact is that this isn't an issue of exclusion, we never intended it to be this way and although I'm sorry that it turned out so, I just don't see it as being an issue in which my loyalty extends to either a.) a 'mama's boy' or b.) the faithful husband. I think it's a false dilemma to be honest, which is why I am having such a hard time seeing her point of view. But thank you for all of the responses, they have helped me somewhat!
DreOh6 Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Have it annulled immediately. She's trying establish a pattern of control over you.
Erik Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 It is a vacation for me to see my relatives since I haven't been back there in a while. The planning was all done with my wife included and then it unfortunately turned out that she couldn't make it later on. This is important, and I'd like to amend my opinion, I now agree with DreOh6. Although I'm not sure what he wants you to annul.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Since the vacation was originally planned with her going in mind and she decided to take an internship that would keep her away from it, she made the choice already: Her career aspirations are more important than spending time with family. She should have given this more thought before accepting the internship, especially if vacationing with you is supposed to be so much more important. Since she made this decision and you supported it, she should be supportive of your decision to take the vacation with your family. You're not going to be cheating on her and besides, you'll get some much-needed time away from each other, allowing both of you to recharge the batteries and make the relationship better. What you need to do is sit down with her, listen closely to her concerns -- whatever they may be -- then remind her gently that she made a decision that caused the problem in the first place. At this point in the game, she needs to behave like a grownup and realize that she can't have her way all the time. If she still remains stubborn about all this, tell her that you're going on the vacation and you won't talk to her until you get back. Then you two will sit down and figure out all the underlying issues behind all this.
Sevenmack Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 She definitely has a control issue, but divorcing her without discussing all this isn't the smartest move on the planet.
quankanne Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 She should have given this more thought before accepting the internship exactly! She knew what she was giving up by committing herself to this internship, and while ideally you'd be travelling together with family, just because she's got other obligations shouldn't mean you should miss out on family time. If you'd sprung this on her, then yeah, she'd be justified in being upset, but I think she's testing you, plain and simple. Especially if you're being made to choose between doing something with your family or being a "good husband." It's should be about her respsecting your desire to follow through with y'alls initial vacation plans, because at somepoint she is going to find herself in the same position she's putting you in. this is prolly a good time for y'all to establish a separate vacation policy; her "expecting" you to spend all your free time in her company isn't healthy for a relationship because it undermines trust issues. And then it starts causing problems because the clingy partner fails to see that the other person needs that breathing room ... even in a marriage. I'm a strong proponent of separate vacations because they create less stress than when a spouse feels like they're being dragged to yet another place they don't want to be. gently remind her that she knew about and agreed to the trip, then backed out of it because of work/school conflicts, but that you should not be expected to do the same just because she's insecure. It has nothing to do with not loving her or being a "bad" husband, but in respecting each other enough to live with whatever decision your spouse makes, even when it isn't what you want. it's about give and take ...
luvstarved Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I can understand if your wife's feelings are based on a sense of disappointment or even feeling a tad jealous that you will be enjoying a trip without her. I could also understand more if the trip had been with another couple, wherein you would be going as more or less a "single guy" on a strictly fun vacation. I would be bummed if my H was going on a vacation with his family and it turned out that I could not go. And I admit that I would be pleased if he decided that he did not want to go without me. However, I would not feel that I had the right to insist that he not go, especially since it is to be with and see relatives, not just a wild time with friends. As far as vacationing apart in general goes, my feeling is that there are vacations and there are vacations. My H goes on men's retreats twice a year and I go see my mother 3 or 4 times a year without him. Neither of us has a problem with that. If he wanted to go with a group of party boys to Vegas for a week, that would be another story. If he wanted to go on a fishing weekend, that would be fine. If he wanted to go to the Caribbean on a cruise by himself, that would not. A trip to Europe with family that I was invited to and just couldn't make...should be fine. You should talk with her and try to understand what her real objections are. It could be about control, or it could be that she is insecure...thinking you must not love her enough if you are content to be away from her for two weeks or something. Anyway good luckand I hope you stick with your plan and go.
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