Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 All right, let's take a break while we're still friends.
bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 but if I sleep with every prospect 'right away' I am significantly lowering my chances of them becoming my Mr. Right. And I don't take that literally, instant sex is the best thing to get a guy to not call you, it is not an icebreaker. Sex is the most intimate thing you can do with someone, it's something I personally want to wait for.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 No, wait, one more comment. The difference is, that everybody, or most everybody here, is playing the game to some extend. That means, that when you hit the jungle, there are perfectly normal people out there looking for casual sex. (But really looking for the Only One.) Of course, there is many creeps and players, but they tend to gather around certain waterholes. And there is actually a pretty good chance of finding Mr Right by barhopping. As good as anywhere I'd say, or better. Workplaces may be the only place where more marriages are made than bars.
bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 just because I met him in a bar, doesn't mean I don't want to wait a while and develop a relationship with him and get to know him and fall in love with him before we are intimate.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 but if I sleep with every prospect 'right away' I am significantly lowering my chances of them becoming my Mr. Right. You probably do in the US, yes, so you are right from where you are sitting. But here, sleeping with guys does not make them respect you less. It carries no social punishment to have short affairs or even one-night stands. Sex is the most intimate thing you can do with someone That's why it's such a great icebreaker.
alphamale Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Workplaces may be the only place where more marriages are made than bars. ha hah ah ha...bars are only for finding casual relationship
bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 when you date and get to know someone, at LEAST for a month before having sex, the liklihood of it lasting is correlated with how long you wait to have sex. In many cases, if you wait, the sex won't happen because one of you realizes this isn't the right person for you. this doesn't have to do with social stigma, or culture, it has to do with that when feelings have developed and you've gotten to know the person well and developed a bond before being sexually intimate, then there is a greater chance of it lasting, that is just a fact.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 ha hah ah ha...bars are only for finding casual relationship Not in Copenhagen. I tell you what, there's more kudos for a married couple to say they met in a bar than in the supermarket or the hairdresser.
alphamale Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Not in Copenhagen. i would like to come to your country and have sex with some of those nordic blond womans.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 the liklihood of it lasting is correlated with how long you wait to have sex. You find a lot of the things I tell you about Denmark hard to believe. This one make me shake my head in disbelief.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 i would like to come to your country and have sex with some of those nordic blond womans. Good thinking. Danish girls love Americans; with your wit, you'd score no problem. They'd f*ck you just for the opportunity to show off their English.
alphamale Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Good thinking. Danish girls love Americans; with your wit, you'd score no problem. I've hear Danes are shy and show little emotion and are very sober and depressed with no sense of humour. Is this true?
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 Yes. Except for the humour. Danish humour is very much like the English, sober and depressed. I can understand why Danes are rumoured to not have humour. Or maybe people mistake us for Germans.
kribby Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Hey, some people have religious reasons for abstinence. I always abstained because I didn't believe it was 'right' before marriage. I always dated men who believed the same-- (sob story alert). My ex-- (whom I dated from 22-26) supposedly believed the same-- but eventually we had sex, got engaged, and did the whole secular relationship thing... it ended. Since the break up, I went through a phase where I dated a few eligible guys and had sex with them-- but I didn't want a relationship with them-- I was being mature and realistic and I got what I wanted. If I analyze myself I know I was reeling from the breakup. After I was done reeling, I have only dated men with the same values as me. What I determined was that I had a serious issue with breaking up with someone that I was sleeping with and seriously dating -- and sex was like a bandage over other issues. There was so much trouble... I don't like the idea of sexually bonding with someone-- I want to be emotionally bonded first. There are different ways in any relationship that you show love or affection... spending time sex giving gifts conversation etc... I fully believe in abstinence. I want to build memories through non-sexual shared experiences... figure out and explore how another person views and lives life... That's a relationship to me. My current b/f feels the same way. And anyway, physical intimacy (like everything else in life) works off of the law of diminishing returns. I could even (have even) been as cold hearted as a supposed stereotypical American male-- you know the whole, I screwed you... got what I wanted-- I'm done.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 Thanks for sharing, Kribby. I can't help but notice, that with your first bf abstinence didn't help you much. And physical intimacy, yes, it almost always gets staler with practice. Abstinence just means the process starts later. But it doesn't always work like that. I was married for seven years, it got better and better until the very day we split. Very unusual, but it happens. Thanks for the response. A few days ago I thought Bridget was a mental case, and I'm embarrassed now to see how wrong I was. However, I haven't really heard from the guys yet. Is Alpha the only one in here with stones?
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I was married for seven years, it got better and better until the very day we split. Marriage is about sex, but not exclusively, far from it. If it was, I'd never have been divorced.
kribby Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I can't help but notice, that with your first bf abstinence didn't help you much. I guess I 'get' what you are noticing-- but the ex- and I-- it just didn't work out. Sex was just a bandage over other problems-- and while fun and etc. if I hadn't ever had it with him, I wouldn't have 'put up with him for so long'. I've gone out with other folks and not slept with them. I know it has kept my head clearer. Sex for me, in a relationship-- not just arbitrarily screwing someone-- creates a bond. I'd rather not bond with someone unsuitable. My current b/f we haven't had sex- and I am not going to sleep with him. We are on the same page with this-- same morals, you know? In my life, I've gotten back to being honest with what works for me and what I believe in and accept as 'right'.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I've gone out with other folks and not slept with them. I know it has kept my head clearer. Sex for me, in a relationship-- not just arbitrarily screwing someone-- creates a bond. I'd rather not bond with someone unsuitable. Perfectly understandable. But that's because you are a girl. Abstinence does not clear a boys head, let me tell you. And for a male, sex doesn't create the bond it seems to do for women. A bond, yes, and a very important one, but not as strong and deep. You say you and your BF are on the same page about sex. Do you ever wonder if it is something he is saying because he loves you and is afraid you'd think him a creep, if he admitted he was dying for a lay and really felt your relationship was unfulfilled without sex?
kribby Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Ha ha, I did think that (cynicism is alive and well in my head)-- but he is far more devout than I! And not to sound callous but to stay honest-- we are just bonding so much--I am happy. And if he is 'lying' then who cares-- he is only hurting himself-- spending all this time with me... doing the old fashioned courting... if he is lying-- then he is an idiot-- and I have no control over that! By all standards of common sense-- he is well on the way to falling in love with me (if he isn't already there). I already know I am pretty darn close. And if he is lying-- he really is a fool. I can't see him stepping away from the bond we've developed. We've been exclusive since Dec. 2006. Not to say, 'I've got this in the bag' or 'he's whipped'... but if he is lying to himself and 'dying for a lay' ha ha ha-- he really is whipped and I've got no sympathy for that aspect of him. I prefer to believe he is 'emotionally bonding to me'!
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 OK, Kribby. I'm glad to hear your relationship is working out, it's not always the case in here. (Nor in real life). I'll just give you my standard spiel on the abstinence/love-thing. I hear you when you say your BF is cool with it, but here goes anyway: Dating a boy and not having sex with him creates a very special relationship, very intense and very loving. From the girls, perspective that is. See, when you equal desire with creepiness, of course the boy will restrain himself. But his hormonal level is boosted every time he sees you, building, building. But he can't admit that, because that would make him a creep. He pretend he's cool. But that is only outwards. The girl can still feel these hormones, she mistakes it for powerful emotional bonding, the guy clinging to her lips, catering to her every whim, staring intensely into her eyes for hours on end. (And yes, sulking sometimes, getting irritated) It's a psychological trick often employed in love. I realise you don't do it deliberately, but it is considered a dirty trick, because it is very hard to break free of, the boy mistakes his horniness for love. So the way I see it, untill you've slept with the guy, there is no way of knowing if those intense looks and hours and hours of chatting and embracing and caressing and all the stuff girls so adore, was the REAL thing or just hormonal overpressure. That's my view, anyway. I always get blasted for this kind of analyses, because people think I am advising sex, so you can consider me blasted already. One question: I'm a foreigner - what do you mean by "exclusive", I've seen others use it, but could not figure out what it means exactly.
DanielMadr Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 All right, just to prove I can suck it up and still come back for more, here's something I really don't understand. What is the purpose of abstinence? I've heard exactly ONE argument I can relate to: that you don't want to have sex unless you are emotionally attached. I think that's going about it ass backwards, but I can relate to it. I've heard lots of girls say that guys are cool with that because hey, he loves her, so it's not a problem. In my experience, a guy will agree to just about any kind of ridiculous stuff, if given the prospect of sex. In other words, I don't believe for one effing seconds that guys think months of abstinence is really a necessary or even beneficial thing for a relationship. He's just saying what he's expected to say. He just doesn't want to come of like a... Well, like I do. I've heard it a lot from the ladies, I've heard it in capitals, numerals and integrals. So is there any gentlemen out there who did the abstinence-routine and got out alive? And do you REALLY think sex would've hurt your budding relationship? Your SO is not listening in, remember? When guy waits it signifies: He doesnt need sex to inflate his ego, He has self control, He probably has lot of other opportunities (He is in demand) And it is attractive. Actually when guy does no sexual advances he gets it a lot quicker b/c he is more attractive. Id like to believe it works like I wrote for this reason...Girls want to know if he can go for 2 month of mammoth hunt without banging other chics. But I think it has something to do with Interest Level. chicks go for guys with lowest Interest levels in them. It probably means for a girl that the guy is sooooo much better than her if he is not so much interested. You like me - looser. You dont - I love you.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 You've got it ass backwards. If the guy can follow the girl all the way through in bed, he may also be able to run a herd of mammoths to the ground.
DanielMadr Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 You've got it ass backwards. If the guy can follow the girl all the way through in bed, he may also be able to run a herd of mammoths to the ground. Hehe. Thats true too. But I meant that when he sticks with her even without sex....that says he will stick around when she is pregnant etc. in the future too.
Author Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I'd say you've got that one ass backwards too, but in here, that would make me a minority of one, it seems. The crucial test is: can you hold on to a man AFTER you've given him all he wants in bed?
nicki Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 It has been my experience that guys don't really commit until they have slept with a woman....if they like, even love the woman, they still need that physical connection to get the emotional connection.... I know a guy wants sex from me from the first moment he asked me out....I don't get insulted by that. In all honesty, I want it, too, if I'm attracted to him. A guy simply needs to show good manners along with his sexual interest. Can he wait a bit? Does he have self control? Is he selfish? Will he wait a few weeks until I feel ready to let go completely? I love sex, and I'll wait until I feel comfortable enough with a guy to be able to let go. I really couldn't get serious about a guy who wanted to wait until marriage. It's an issue of compatibility and intimacy -- intimacy that is purely non-verbal. How does it feel to get as physically close to a person as it does to get emotionally close?...the line gets blurred and physical becomes emotional and emotional becomes physical. That's probably why people wait to have sex, otherwise our brain chemistry tricks us into a relationship with people who aren't so good for us emotionally. But, at some point, when everything else clicks, sex is the next natural thing we do to get closer....and that's a good thing....
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