bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 So I've been seeing this guy a few weeks...nothing serious yet...he's out of town for business for 10 days, so yesterday he called me to wish me a happy birthday. (it was my birthday yesterday.) So great....then he asked me if I had a lot of people calling me, and I said "Sure, a few friends, family, gotten some cards, going to a casual dinner with 2 girlfriends." Ok fine. Then he said "Did your father call?" This is a strange question because I have already told him that my parents divorced when I was very young and because of circumstances have had no contact with my dad in several years. I said "Ummm, no, didn't I already tell you about my dad?" He said "Yes, I knew about your dad." So...why would this guy ask if my dad called when he already knew I don't have contact with my dad? This is not an issue to me by the way, my mother(who passed away 13 years ago) was a wonderful single mom and me and my brother and sister never lacked of love. We lived a very happy life growing up with our mother. I don't have any 'daddy' issues. So...was this guy trying to rub in that I don't have contact with my dad? I mean, why would he just ask that? I think I might break up with him when he gets home, I thought that was a very rude question considering he knew I dont have contact with my dad. I am 39 years old, by the way, and he is 40.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Could mean nothing. Guy's sometimes have hearing problems when their heads are bursting with hormones. Maybe he forgot you told him about your parents. A question like that could be a staple, like how are you doing, maybe he was absent-minded. Often, I'll ask a girl her name several times during the evening, and still not remember it when we wake up in the morning.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 It is possible he forgot when he asked me if my dad called, and then suddenly remembered and was trying to cover it up that he forgot. I could understand if he had forgotten details like that when we are not that serious yet. I'll let it go. The last guy I was with in a relationship was always pushing me to contact my dad and develop a relationship with him but I was the one who had tried a few times as an adult and I gave up on it because he didn't respond to it. this last guy DID think I had 'father' issues but I don't think I do,and I wouldn't want a guy I'm dating to make presumptions like that about me because we all have our pasts we can't control.
Blue Phoenix Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Um not trying to play devils adovcate here but maybe he was in his own way trying to be supportive about the fact you dont talk to him much? By asking that maybe he was hopeing he would have called you in a careing way?? I def dont think he ment it as a openly rude comment to just drag you down in any way. Or realy to even push the subject on you. Is everything else ok in the relashionship? do you guys get along ok is he a nice guy?? If the anser is yes then why break up with him over something like that before you even talk to him about it??
Author bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I'm pretty happy with things, the one thing I do not like about him is that he told me he smokes pot a couple times a week. That might be what eventually breaks us up if he is not willing to stop doing that for me if we become serious because I don't tolerate drug use. Ick. Yeah, when he comes back I'll ask him why he brought up my father over the phone...I think it might be he forgot about that detail that I don't talk to my dad, and was trying to cover up that he forgot...I'll ask.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I wouldn't worry too much about the pot if I was you. I'd be more worried if he drank alcohol regularly. That said, if he smokes every or almost every day, I'd worry. Pot is a habit, not an addiction, but habits can ruin your life as surely as an addiction. Maybe he was stoned when he asked you about your father? Pot tends to have a tongue of it's own.
DanielMadr Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 So I've been seeing this guy a few weeks...nothing serious yet...he's out of town for business for 10 days, so yesterday he called me to wish me a happy birthday. (it was my birthday yesterday.) So great....then he asked me if I had a lot of people calling me, and I said "Sure, a few friends, family, gotten some cards, going to a casual dinner with 2 girlfriends." Ok fine. Then he said "Did your father call?" This is a strange question because I have already told him that my parents divorced when I was very young and because of circumstances have had no contact with my dad in several years. I said "Ummm, no, didn't I already tell you about my dad?" He said "Yes, I knew about your dad." So...why would this guy ask if my dad called when he already knew I don't have contact with my dad? This is not an issue to me by the way, my mother(who passed away 13 years ago) was a wonderful single mom and me and my brother and sister never lacked of love. We lived a very happy life growing up with our mother. I don't have any 'daddy' issues. So...was this guy trying to rub in that I don't have contact with my dad? I mean, why would he just ask that? I think I might break up with him when he gets home, I thought that was a very rude question considering he knew I dont have contact with my dad. I am 39 years old, by the way, and he is 40. He asked about your dad, because it bothers him how can dad not to call his daughter on her birthday. And he probably thinks it troubles you, b/c It would trouble him. So it was polite asking: 'Are you ok then?'. Im sorry but it seems to me, you have daddy issues it wasnt rude. It was more like concern.
justpassingthrough Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I'm pretty happy with things, the one thing I do not like about him is that he told me he smokes pot a couple times a week. That might be what eventually breaks us up if he is not willing to stop doing that for me if we become serious because I don't tolerate drug use. Ick. But aren't you sending him the message that you DO tolerate it because you know about it and still see him?
Citizen Erased Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Pot is a habit, not an addiction, but habits can ruin your life as surely as an addiction. Habit and addiction are intertwined.
Erik Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Habit and addiction are intertwined. True. I'm not sure there's a real distinction. I was just trying to point out, that it's not the drug, it's the behaviour.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 He asked about your dad, because it bothers him how can dad not to call his daughter on her birthday. And he probably thinks it troubles you, b/c It would trouble him. So it was polite asking: 'Are you ok then?'. Im sorry but it seems to me, you have daddy issues it wasnt rude. It was more like concern. I rarely even think about it. He asked "Did your father call" and did NOT say "are you OK then?" He did NOT make any statement of concern after that. HE just asked the question if he called, full-well knowing I hadn't had contact with him in several years. NO offense, Daniel, but you are an ******* who makes assumptions you know nothing about, just like when you posted that a woman has confidence issues if she won't have sex by the third date. There is NO way you could assume from my post asking why he would ask that I have issues, i was simply wondering why he would ask that out of the blue. When he asked that, anything about my dad hadn't occured to me that day. I never even think about it. My mom had so much love and devotion to give, we had a happier family than those with the father present. I know LOTS of adults who had similar situations where they don't have contact with their dad because of similar circumstances. Like I said, it doesn't even occur to me anymore. Daniel, please don't respond to my posts anymore. If anyone has issues, you do, because whenever anyone posts a problem, you make responses blaming the poster and making them think it's all their fault and don't address the question or the problem at all, your aim is to run down the poster. Thanks for not responding to my posts anymore.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 But aren't you sending him the message that you DO tolerate it because you know about it and still see him? We've only been seeing each other a few weeks. I'm going to talk about it at some point, if he does it more than a couple times a week or not. I don't believe he's been high in my presence but it is possible. He could have been high over the phone, but I didn't detect that. If it does become serious, I will talk to him that I can't continue seeing someone who does marijuana. If he won't give up smoking pot when he has the opportunity to be dating ME, he has a problem and his loss,he is missing out on LIFE.
tanbark813 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I think you're giving the guy way too hard a time. It sounds like he was just trying to be nice and simply lacked a little tact.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 He'll be back on Monday and I'll see him next week, I'll just let it go and let the dating play itself out.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 Justpassingthrough, are you in Iowa? I'm in Iowa. I went to U of Iowa.
justpassingthrough Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Justpassingthrough, are you in Iowa? I'm in Iowa. I went to U of Iowa. Yep. I graduated from Iowa and can't bring myself to leave. It's a great place to live. Didn't I have you in a class?
justpassingthrough Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 If it does become serious, I will talk to him that I can't continue seeing someone who does marijuana. Forgive me, but whatever happened to honesty when it comes to expectations in relationships? Besides, he does it, he's told you he does it, and you still continue to see him. So much for "I can't continue seeing someone who does marijuana" because you DO continue to see someone who does. If he won't give up smoking pot when he has the opportunity to be dating ME, he has a problem and his loss,he is missing out on LIFE. Or maybe when you give him the either/or choice he'll drop you like a hot potato and start shopping for someone who has a compatible lifestyle. Marijuana use is not a dealbreaker for every woman on the planet.
Island Girl Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 He asked if your dad called because a birthday would be a day that your dad may interject himself back into your life. It was just a question. I grew up without a father. My first conversation was when I was 19 - I called him. I met my father once when I was 22 at his parents funeral. My husband's culture is VERY family oriented. He used to ask about my father and whether he contacted me or not because in his view it was an inevitable event (a father couldn't possibly be that lost forever). After almost 7 years he has come to accept that it probably will not happen and that I am completely fine with that.
Island Girl Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Hey Bridget - Are you dating this guy in the hopes that it will turn into something more or are you not looking for that type of relationship right now - dating him just for fun?
Author bridget_jones Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I'm not in a relationship yet with the guy, so far I enjoy his company, I just am looking for a serious relationship and to get married and he has told me he smokes pot at LEAST twice a week and to me for a 40 year old man that's a problem....I don't want to marry a guy, have kids, and have to explain to John Jr. when he asks 'where's dad?' and have to say 'ummm, he's outside smoking a reefer.' It's just something I dont' have to tolerate. When we become serious, and IF, I will tell him my stance and if he doesn't want to give up pot to be in a relationship with me good riddance, I'm so much better than the feeling pot will give, his loss. I've never had to resort to being in relationships with potheads before, I don't have to be desperate. I hardly even drink! Even when I go out to bars....but I'm accepting that he told me this now, if he won't give it up if we get serious he's bye-bye. Go find a pothead girl and get high together. But for now we're not a 'couple' so I'm not going to have that talk with him right now. I just don't like being dependent on outside chemicals and drinks to be happy! I am naturally happy and bubbly, and I like myself without being under the influence of pot or alcohol...not to say I don't enjoy a social drink now and then. Island Girl, the thing is he just asked if my dad had called without any further comments of concern. From what this guy has said,he's not particularly fond of his own dad. In fact, he had to drive his parents on a 4 hour drive to Chicago and he was complaining about having to spend that much time in the car with them....if my mom were still alive, I would cherish a 4 hour carride with her. Maybe he was actually upset that he'd have to go for a trip without puffing on pot for an entire weekend, I don't know. I actually do think he might have either been high when he asked, or he could have forgot about my dad and asked and then covered it up. But I decided to let it go. I'll just have to date him longer and find out more about him. So I don't know if I want him, he's attractive, I like him so far, but I'm not in love yet. Another factor is today I was offered a position in another part of the country that I really want to move to, so I would love to do that, and then no, this guy wouldn't be an issue anyway.
Island Girl Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 To me - If the pot is a deal breaker then you should put it out there right now. You are looking for a relationship that will eventually turn into a serious commitment. There is no sense in wasting time or feelings on someone who isn't going to be a possibility. That is just the way things go. If you waste more time with this guy and then want to get serious - and THEN have the pot talk - it could end up being a difficult situation where there is hurt involved (possibly on both sides). Then you will have the whole "getting over someone" time before you can move on to another possible Mr. Right. Why not just cut to the chase? Considering what you are looking for these red flags of incompatibility should not be ignored but discussed early on. Then you can decide how to proceed.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 That is where my gut is right now. I was really excited to get the call offering me a job in the Pacific NW today, much more excited than I ever get when I'm with this guy. He is really smitten with me and treats me well. But I'm more excited about an out of state job offer than him, so that must be telling me something. And when he told me about his regular marijuana use, that really was a turnoff for me. I could totally accept every once in a while, but twice a week or more to me is addiction level. Thanks for helping me put things into perspective.
Island Girl Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Sure - So you are taking the job? Because that kind of makes the talk null and void doesn't it? You'll love the PNW. Gorgeous - but be realistic about the rainy days. If rainy days depress you it should be something you consider. I love the rain and overcast skies - love the sunshine too - but I'd move to the PNW in a heartbeat if it wasn't for my family being here.
Author bridget_jones Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I've spent a lot of time in the Pacific NW. my sister and her husband live out there and I have visited a lot over the years. that's one of the reasons I'm so excited. I'm thinking I might just not see him again anyway. He does like to wine and dine me at nice restaurants. I think that was part of the appeal. it's an exciting time to my life, I've had kind of a rough year. I was going through depression over the end of a 2 year relationship and was asked to resign my job because of it (I was pretty much in a catatonic state with the depression), and I have gotten counseling and now received another offer to a place I really want to move to in my field (teaching) and they were very understanding of what happened at my last job and realize I have worked hard to make a new start. Thanks for the support and advice!
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