Guest Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 My boyfriend and I broke right before the new year when I found his EX-girlfriend's number on his cell phone bill. All times of the night talking for 2 hrs..3 hrs... They both swearthat it's nothing to it and that they're only good friends. My question if that's the case why not tell me you were talking to her? he's been really trying to get back with me lately and I'm torn...I love him to death but feel I can't honestly trust him now. Advice?
taylor Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Hi Guest, How long has it been since your ex-boyfriend and his old girlfriend split up? Did he break up with her or did she break up with him? How long had they been together? How much time passed between his breakup with her and the start of his relationship with you? Has he been in contact with her ever since their breakup or is this new contact? I ask this list of questions because it is important for you to determine if he is over his ex or not. If he is not over his ex, she is a threat to your relationship. You may be in a position to have your heart broken. The fact that he is talking to her for hours and late at night is very suspect. I would be suspect of any boyfriend who stayed in contact with an ex. One or the other is interested in rekindling the relationship. I doubt his intention is to just be friends with her. Guys don't need an ex-girlfriend to be their friend. They have buddies for that. Without knowing all the facts, I would guess he is not over his ex and either he or she is interested in getting back together - whether they admit it or not. My ex-boyfriend dated a girl for 5 years and they planned on getting married. They broke up and I met him two years later. He never lost contact with her. We dated 5 months and when she came back to town, he dumped me and ran back to her in an attempt to rekindle their relationship. It didn't work but that doesn't matter. I lost the relationship. If I were you, I would talk with him about his feelings for this girl. Don't put him on the defensive or accuse him of anything. Just listen. Read between the lines. It's possible he may not admit anything to you or may not know for sure how he feels. He may be confused or torn. Don't pressure him if he doesn't want to talk. That will just drive him away. If he doesn't want to talk, your only choice is to wait it out. Watch what he does over the next few weeks/months. His actions will speak louder than his words.
norajane Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 He didn't tell you because he didn't want you to know. Why he didn't want you to know...because you wouldn't have liked it. Girlfriends are rarely ok with their boyfriends talking to exes (or any other woman, for that matter) for 2-3 hours late at night - and there's a GOOD REASON they are rarely ok with it! Niether of them may want to admit what they're doing, so they will both deny there is anything going on. However, is he calling you for 2-3 hours all the time, late at night? Is he devoting emotional energy to her that he could be putting into your relationship? Even IF there is nothing going on between them, it does bother you and it hurts you. So regardless of what their relationship really is, it is already hurting you, and thus impacts your relationship with your bf. Does he care that it hurts you that he spends so much time talking to his ex, or is he just telling you it's nothing and you should just accept it and be ok with it? Unless he's going to stop talking to his ex like that, you have no reason to trust him. Is he willing to make any compromise, or are you the only one who has to compromise and swallow your feelings? No matter how hard he is trying to get you back, unless he admits that his behavior is hurtful to your relationship, and unless he agrees to dial it back, it's not going to work out for you in the end.
thecount Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I went throught the samething. I just took her cell phone and looked at it, because I just felt something was going on. I know it was wrong, but i had to prove it to myself that what I was feeling was 100% right. She denied any wrong doing. once she even said that she really never called him. I said, so the phone dialed itself to your ex b/f? lol -- I can laugh about it now. Back then it wasn't so funny. Well, my feelings were right. something was going on. That's why she's now my ex. Becareful, My ex put me through hell. Make damn sure that he really wants you before you commit to him again. Good luck!
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I can never understand why people do this, talk to their exes while concealing it from their current love interest. Regardless of the innocence of the relationship, why risk your current one for someone who's an ex for a reason?
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I can never understand why people do this, talk to their exes while concealing it from their current love interest. Regardless of the innocence of the relationship, why risk your current one for someone who's an ex for a reason? Habit. And thoughtlessness.
elmejor Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 My boyfriend and I broke right before the new year when I found his EX-girlfriend's number on his cell phone bill. All times of the night talking for 2 hrs..3 hrs... They both swearthat it's nothing to it and that they're only good friends. My question if that's the case why not tell me you were talking to her? he's been really trying to get back with me lately and I'm torn...I love him to death but feel I can't honestly trust him now. Advice? Why were you looking at his cell phone bill in the first place? You have invaded another's privacy, then complained about what you found. Have you nothing better to do with your time? And, do you think your boyfriend needed to report to you every conversation he had with everyone? Maybe your (ex) boyfriend and his (other) ex are just good friends now, as they told you. Maybe he was talking to her about the fact that he loved you dearly, but you made him feel like he could not walk two steps without your asking him why and where he was going... and that you invaded his privacy by constantly snooping through his personal belongings, etc. Live and learn, darlin... EM
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Habit. And thoughtlessness. As soon as your current love interest makes issue of it, doesn't it make sense to shut it down?
mav100 Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 My situation was also similar. Her ex called her to wish her a happy birthday (she told me about it and complained she couldn't stand talking to him) and then a week or two later he showed up AT OUR HOME one night shortly before we broke up, and that's what clued me on to something being up. She answered the door, shouted "GO AWAY!", and slammed the door shut. Then she wouldn't tell me who was at the door until half an hour afterwords. She insisted she had no idea why he showed up and said that she hated him. If that wasn't a red flag... Her attitude towards me was different after this. Once I noticed her attitude changed, I grabbed her cell phone one night after she went to bed, and sure enough, she had been contacting him, or at least attempting to - each call over the week prior were only 1 minute, so it looks like she was unsuccessful in calling him. Two unsuccessful calls before he showed up, and two after. I kept this information to myself. A few days later, she said she wanted me to move out. She said she didn't want to break up, just that our relationship was better when we didn't live together. We talked, apparently worked things out, and again, I said nothing of my knowledge of her phone calls to her ex. Two days later, she brought it up again. Then I dropped the information about the calls. She acted upset that I checked her phone and DENIED she called him, showing me her phone and that the call log did not reflect the calls. I told her they were there and she must have deleted them. She then admitted to calling him AFTER he showed up at the house, but said it was to yell at him for doing so. We talked for a few hours, then went to bed. Then we talked the next day, and I agreed to go to my mothers for a few days, starting the following day. The following day I left, met a friend for a beer up the road from the house on the way to my mothers (which is an hour away), and upon leaving the bar, I saw her driving her car towards the house with her ex in the car. Needless to say - we were done after that. She is now back with him. The moral of the story - there is no good reason to remain in contact with an ex like that. It's a sure sign something bad is going on. If it is one of those very rare situations where they are friends with their ex, they will NOT try to hide it and should be completely up front about it. Hiding it shows intent and/or guilt. Run away now to avoid any further pain. elmejor - just an FYI... Checking another persons phone records in a situation like that, at least from my point of view, is totally justified. When someone makes a commitment to you and then breaks it by doing things behind your back, you are just returning the favor and protecting yourself. In my situation, the woman would have been "having her cake and eating it too", as she didn't want to leave me for him, and had I not done it, I would have never known of her infidelity. If the person wants to hide that information so bad, shouldn't they be smart enough not to leave things laying around like a cell phone bill for you to see in the first place?
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 As soon as your current love interest makes issue of it, doesn't it make sense to shut it down? Of course. He shouldn't have done it in the first place, but that's habits for you.
Trialbyfire Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Of course. He shouldn't have done it in the first place, but that's habits for you. Okay, understood and agreed.
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