PracticalShade Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 First off, are you sitting down? This is a lot of reading, haha. Girl breaks up with guy after 4 months. It's been two weeks since the break up and there's been a lot of controversy and confusion between the two. They used to fight about the breakup because he wondered if this is just her way of running off and doing whatever without relationship influence, thus going against the love that she does not deny she has for him. The girl is younger than the guy (a college freshman and he is a college senior) and obviously lacks some of the experiences in life that he already has. She said there was nothing different he could've done, but that she needed time to herself without the influence of a relationship so that she could figure herself out. Here is an excerpt from a recent online conversation between the two: Guy: fancy seeing you online, haha Girl: fancier seeing you i think! haha how are you tonight? Guy: ups and downs, but I'm doin better. you? Girl: i'm alright. i am not sleeping very well ever and tonight i NEED to sleep early but can't. Girl: why aren't you sleeping very well? Girl: i can never fall asleep anymore. Girl: i'm sure you can guess why babe Guy: I've no idea. If you mean something to do with me, then you seem quite happy without me Girl: yes it's been since we broke up that i don't sleep well very often Guy: you too? I hate not having you next to me... it's really weird now Girl: yeah. Guy: But I accept and respect your decision. I wonder if things can work out one day or not and if you still think about it Girl: I do still think about it. Girl: In some ways i wish you wouldn't though. i don't know how to explain it.. i want you to want to be with me because we work out later when we both work things out with ourselves... not just becuase you think you miss me or whatever. does that make any sense? Guy: I want to be with you because I miss ya. And I miss ya because I love ya. Therefore, I want to be with you because I love you. Everyone is telling me that this is a "have your cake and eat it too" because there's no ties but I try to ignore them and then part of me wants to be mad at you and I am but then I see you and it's like... whatever the feeling is it's not mad Girl: well. i want you to do what you want. Girl: whatever that is Guy: but I just said I want to be with you, lol Girl: wellllll i guess i mean i want you to do what you want while i do what i need. Guy: if I have feelings for someone then there can be no others. I think it's wrong to try and be talkin to or messin around with other people to pass the time when your heart is with someone in particular. what's your stand? honestly Girl: yeah Girl: i agree. Guy: anyway, what do you tell other people when they ask about me? Girl: "we broke up because ____, but i dunno what the future holds, hopefully we'll work it out" Guy: I'm struggling with the idea that this is some way to play the field for a while and then come back. i know that's not exactly uplifting, but I've had worse things happen to me Girl: i know. i don't want to do that to you either. Girl: but honestly at this point i just don't know what will happen baby. i've given up hoping or guessing because i seem to be wrong Guy: ...that sounds like a disclaimer that something may happen and if it does then sorry Girl: i don't mean it in a bad way Guy: love is also a choice. if some hott girl threw herself at me, I wouldn't just do it because we weren't together. isnt that being like untrue to what ya feel? Girl: yeah. Guy: are you... in a way... trying to keep your options open? Girl: i'm just going with the flow. i guess that means keeping my options open but i'm not out like just letting myself do whatever happens.. does that make any sense? Guy: I'm not trying to sound harsh but if I find out that you say you feel so much for me and then allow yourself to go with the flow just to have "fun" and then try to come back around then I dunno if I could accept that Girl: you shouldn't accept that Guy: because it's like... you don't have time for a relationship with anyone you said, therefore the only things left would be seeing people and messing around and that would be like... insulting or something to say that you ditched me and just had some flings to get by ya know? Girl: yeah i totally know. Guy: love is also a choice. are you choosing to leave yourself open to the possibility of someone else? like, really? Girl: i guess..? i don't really know what you mean 100% nor do i know how i feel 100% Guy: I mean are you choosing to be open to considering other guys for intimacy or romance? Girl: no. Girl: not right now Girl: but i am choosing to go to sleep finally. goodnight babe. get some rest Guy: okay g'night. have fun tomorrow ------------------------------------------------------------------- From an objective standpoint: Does the girl sound hopeful or confident that she can work things out with him? Or more fearful for the future maybe? Or maybe she's just resigned herself to what the future brings? The guy obviously is sincere in his feelings for her and wants to have her back more than anything, which puts him in the most vulerable position. What advice would you give the guy? [Objectively assume this is an honest statement.] When a girl says they're confused and need to be alone to figure things out then: a)what kinds of things does she need to figure out in order to find who she is? b)what kinds of mistakes, if any, must she make along the way?
tanbark813 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 You're asking the wrong questions. Your instincts about that she might be keeping her options open are correct even though you don't really want to believe it. Just reading the first main paragraph made it pretty clear that she's either interested in someone else specifically or playing the field in general. The conversation confirmed that. When you ask her flat out she says no, but four times during the conversation she indirectly said yes. Guy: I'm struggling with the idea that this is some way to play the field for a while and then come back. i know that's not exactly uplifting, but I've had worse things happen to me Girl: i know. i don't want to do that to you either. Girl: but honestly at this point i just don't know what will happen baby. i've given up hoping or guessing because i seem to be wrong First "yes" to playing the field. Guy: ...that sounds like a disclaimer that something may happen and if it does then sorry Girl: i don't mean it in a bad way That's basically a "yes". Guy: are you... in a way... trying to keep your options open? Girl: i'm just going with the flow. i guess that means keeping my options open but i'm not out like just letting myself do whatever happens.. does that make any sense? Another "yes" with an empty disclaimer to try to pad the blow a little. Guy: I mean are you choosing to be open to considering other guys for intimacy or romance? Girl: no. Girl: not right now Translation = "No, not at this very second but maybe tomorrow/this weekend/next week..." What advice would you give the guy? To limit contact with this girl and start dating other people. Disappear for a little while and let her wonder where you are.
stace79 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I'm really sorry you're stuck in this position. I can totally relate. The guy I'm in love with took a break with me back in December (the day after Christmas, no less) to figure out his feeling about an ex-girlfriend who suddenly decided she wanted him back after she found out about me. He hasn't gotten back together with her, but in the meantime started developing some health issues (he has a chronic illness that flares up once in awhile). He decided he needed to fix his own problems before trying to be anyone's boyfriend, so he pressures me to stay his "best friend" while he figures things out. I'm the same as you though, I love him, so I'm focusing only on him, even though he's not reciprocating. I keep holding on to the idea, like you, that we will get back together because we have such a great connection. He even told me he loved me about two weeks ago. When we see each other, he hugs me, wants to cuddle, kisses my forehead and holds my hand. I really sympathize with you, because while I don't want to lose out on someone I love and have the most wonderful connection with, I also don't want to waste months or years of my life waiting on him to come back to our relationship. I know he's not sleeping around...he rarely goes out at all since he's such a homebody. And we talk almost every day, and I visit him once or twice a week (he lives ten minutes from me). But still...I totally understand your position, and I think you just have to make a decision at some point as to how much you can take. Lately I have noticed I get more and more frustrated with him, and I think more and more often about just saying goodbye and not talking to him at all anymore. I think it's like an immunity -- eventually you keep building up the realization that this person is not treating you the way you deserve, and you will have the strength to walk away.
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