New and in need

[Confused27]

First of all, I am so happy to have found this forum tonight. I decided to look around for some advice or insight to my situation ( my friends are sick of giving it) and it took me forever to find this forum. After reading a few threads, I've been very surprised by the compassion and unwillingness to judge, so I feel very comfortable sharing my story with you...here goes. Thanks so much in advance! This forum existing means so much to me.

 

A little about me. I am a 27 year old gay man who never thought I would find myself in this situation. A year ago, I would've balked at the possibilty, but now realize that this situation is not at all cut and dry and definitely not deserving of general moralizing. Around 10 months ago, I met this guy randomly through mutual friends and we immediately connected in an earth-shattering way. You know those moments in life where you meet someone and you can't believe how much you have in common? Immediately feeling as if you've known one another forever? A complete understanding from square one? It was that times ten. I am a musician, and inherent in my personality and being is the fact that me and my interests are not widely shared by the general public. Especially in the gay community....I've just never fit in. We spent hours saying "you know this book? this album?" and being amazed that the both of us did. Anyway, we immediately became best friends. I knew from the start that he was in a relationship that was going on its 10th year...wasn't a problem because we were just friends. So I soon met his boyfriend and we all ( their friends and me) started hanging out all the time. About three months into this, we realized that we were falling in love. I was scared. I told him "no, you're not. you can't. I can't. you have a boyfriend" but the wheel kept turning and I found myself in love. It was a totally new situation for us both. He didn't know what to do and neither did I, but we were already so close that we didn't want to lose our friendship...so we just decided to feel it out.

 

It soon became obvious that our escalated feelings weren't going anywhere, so he confided in his boyfriend. One night ( he is a writer) his boyfriend read a poem he was working on and said " it's about adam, isn't it? " he said "yes, im in love with him, he makes me happy" and the bf replied " i can tell..you are happier than you've been in years"

 

so after that, his feelings for me weren't secret. I respected that. However, he soon started saying that he wanted to be with me and that he had to leave his bf. i believed it, and at that point, said "ok"...he broke up with him in oct. and the next day, let it get swept under the rug because he felt bad...then he said that he would wait until after christmas so that it wasn't as painful. Now it is march and he still hasnt left.

 

since december, we hae continued our friendship in secret because we were caught kissing ( the bf used to say "you will never be the first wife" but didnt know we were intimate) . I meet him for lunch, we talk while he is at work and sometimes he "sneaks" out of the house. It's gotten very difficult. He told me on New Years Eve night (after taking a cab to my house at 3 in the morning) that he just had to see me because there is a saying that who you see on that day is who you will be with for the year. Again, he said he had to leave his bf because if he wasn't happy, then his bf couldn't be either. I have since cut off communication twice and he has cut it off twice as well. We miss each other too much and he always finds me a day or two later..he cries and says "tell me what to do. I can't bear not being with you" and we talk about solutions. Then things go back to normal, he flips back and forth and ultimately says he can't leave his bf and cuts things off again. He says that he isn't in love with his bf and that no one has understood him like I do. He cringes when his bf touches him because he no longer feels for him in that way. He dreams of us growing old together but is scared to leave the security of his relationship although it is not really working anymore. He loves his bf as a person and friend, but not as a partner.

 

Last weekend was my bday. He came back from a trip early to be able to see me. I celebrated saturday night and he couldnt get away. He called me repeatedly saying how hurt he was and that he was going to see me sunday. He had made plans to 'work" on sunday...hint hint.

he never showed up. I finally got a text saying that the bf's parents were over, then at 11 pm, one saying "i love you. so sorry. can i see you tomorrow?" I said to forget about it, he responded "i love you"

 

I didnt hear from him until Tuesday when I got an email saying that after not being able to see me for my bday, that he realized that this was an impossible situation. He said he was so devasted and depressed that he missed my important day that he couldn't get out of bed on Monday and took a personal day. He said it was too painful for him and he wanted a clean break, that he couldn't keep me or him in limbo any longer. I really thought that was it. Then, at 12 pm that night, he started calling. I called back and he had been trying to get ahold of me because he had to see me. When i met him on the sidewalk ( i was out), he immediately started crying and saying that he just couldn't stick with it and that he was in love with me. Then he tried to hold my hand, kiss me, all of that. I said "look, you have really upset me. You said we were through. What is going on?" He said he didnt know, that all he knew was that he couldn't be without me. He came back to my house and we made out, cuddled, talked for two hours. Then when I took him home, right before he got out of the car, he said " we have to find some other way of doing this. No more kissing or sex" I reminded him that he had instigated it and asked him if he still thought about us being together. HE said he did, but that it was never going to happen, that he had to be loyal. Then, he tried to kiss me and I said "goodbye"

So i am really confused. We've spoken the past two days, but I don't really know what I can do anymore. I know he loves me and that i am his best friend, but is unwillingness to put me first is slowly ruining what we have. I have never given him an ultimatum because I didnt want him to be with me because he was forced...but with a bf that forbids him to see me, I know that we cant be secret friends and lovers forever. It just won't work and is disrespectful of the gift we were given.

Anyone have any insight into what is going on in his head? Just last week he said that if I ever married someone else that he would die....yet, he wont choose to be with me. What is going on? What should I expect? What should I do?

 

i know that was really long. Sorry for that and thanks for reading

[whichwayisup]

He says that he isn't in love with his bf and that no one has understood him like I do. He cringes when his bf touches him because he no longer feels for him in that way. He dreams of us growing old together but is scared to leave the security of his relationship although it is not really working anymore. He loves his bf as a person and friend, but not as a partner.

This is very telling, the part I bolded...He obviously has feelings for you, but does have a long lasting love with his partner of 10 years. You woke up those intense crush-like feelings in him that probably hasn't been felt in a long time. No matter what he feels for you, in his heart or in his mind, it isn't enough to really make him end the relationship with his boyfriend. And, even if it was enough, and he did leave his bf to be with you, how long would it be before you got concerned he'd cheat on you? If he is willing to cheat on his partner after so many years, what makes you think that he wouldn't do that to you as well, especially since you don't have that history with him? Friends, family entwined together.......

 

You love him, but if you stick around, you'll be settling for someone who can't give themselves fully to you. YOU will miss out on alot, meanwhile he has 2 men to fulfill all his needs.

 

What do you want to happen? Right now, YOU have control over how this goes. If you stay, you will get hurt and help him destroy his relationship with his boyfriend. If you go, it will hurt, but you'll heal and in the future find someone who will make you feel just as good, AND be all yours - Someone you won't have to share with someone else.

 

I don't know what else to say except I think you know what you have to do, even if it hurts badly. Have that talk with him and try your best to distance yourself from him and start detaching, healing yourself. The only real way to do that is go no contact.

 

Keep posting!

[pricillia]

WWIU said it all...

 

 

So all I have to say is Happy Birthday

[Confused27]

thanks guys! you make tons of sense. I just wish he wasn't my best friend, because now ill be losing more than a love interest. I truly don't think he is being manipulative, which makes it even harder. I know everything about him and know that we didn't mean for this to happen and that both of us are very scared and confused. He has never cheated before and we have only had sex a few times....i didn't want to be that person and neither did he. It is way more important to us to just sit and talk without getting physical. It's strange because it seems so innocent although he is in a relationship. He wants to do the right thing but doesn't really know what that is....give us a chance to deepen our bond or try to work on his current relationship. Either way, we want to remain friends but i know that would be impossible....ugh....it's all very difficult when it comes to human relationships, isn't it ?

[puddleofmud]

Though one may feel that one has found a "best friend" or "soul-mate" reality can be ever so different.

Try to impress upon yourself that a TRUE best friend would not be so gregarious with your feelings, but would available at all times, no matter.

And that YOUR needs are just as important as HIS and not to be toyed nor about isolated "snips" of time.

Best friends do not confound, oppress nor expect one to just hit the ceiling when one needs the other to "jump" and it would seem that you are doing all the "jumping" to meet his needs where yours are left on the floor.

Doing all that "jumping" gets exhausting and we all deserve so much better!

Also, it is not YOUR responsibility to resolve his emotional fracass about his decade long relationship--and very unfair of him to put you in the "middle".

It is up to you to change your tact and remove yourself from this "middle" place. As long as he has you for an emotional aside he won't begin to work out what is really going on between he and his partner.

Too bad if you are available and would marry another! That's not his call nor should be his concern...as your "best friend" who is committed, however unhappily (should he be telling you the TRUTH about that), he would wish you to be happy as well.

Best wishes to you and keep posting whenever you need!

[Confused27]

He knows that he can't figure out how to stay or end his current relationship with me around. When we met ( before this started happening), he confided in me that his relationship was bad and that it needed to end, that he didn't see himself in the future with his current bf. As a friend, I was supportive. He has tried working things out with his bf....he has been completey honest with him about how he feels about me. He has told him repeatedly that he is in love with me and that he is sorry but can't stop his feelings. I've actually had the bf tell me " that's ok, just remember that you are the second wife" which was ridiculous....I don't know. Everytime he tries to break up with him, the bf threatens him and says that he will ruin his life, so he backs down and stays. He needs to be stronger than that, I know...I just don't think he is manipulating me at all, which makes this hard. I knew full well going into this what could happen and I take full responsibility. It takes two to tango.

Last night, he said " This is all so crazy. I didn't want to fall in love with you. I didn't want to fall in love with someone else. What do I do?"

I didn't know what to say...then he pleaded with me to "take charge"

what does this mean?

 

i want to clairfy that we were very close friends for months before this relationship turned into "love"

[MoonGirl]

Your friend is obviously very confused. I left my husband (abusive) to be with another man. I think what convinced me to leave was that my OM was very firm about not having any physical contact before I left. He also gave me the time I needed to gain the strength I needed to leave. During that time, we met every couple of weeks, but only in public. Toward the end, we instituted no contact, and that helped me see more clearly. When I had to go home to my bad marriage each night and had no hope of speaking with OM, it made me see how really unhappy I was.

 

But, some people never leave their long term relationships for an affair partner. Fear of the unknown, guilt, etc are simply too strong.

 

Take charge and don't see this man for now. Give him the time he needs to make a decision. You can tell him that you adore him, but that you simply can't continue with the affair. Being friends before the relationship won't make it any easier...in fact, it probably makes it more difficult for you to put an end to this affair.

[Confused27]

thank you so much, moongirl. he is afraid of the unknown. He says i feel like heaven and guilt. he wonders aloud if we would be able to sustain a relationship...all of these questions are unanswerable. It's a leap of faith to get involved in any relationship...but their relationship has been destroyed throughout the years. The bf wants them to fly to amsterdam in June to get married. He doesn't want to do it at all. SO why stay? It does and doesn't make any sense to me. He firmly believes that God brought us together...so why throw it away?

Did you and your guy agree on NC together? When he told you that there would be no physical contact as long as you were still with your husband, did it make you mad? Did it make you feel like you were being cornered? Or did you understand and respect his wish.

Even if we are never together, I really don't want to lose his friendship. We are very important to one another and I cant bear the thought of wondering 20 years from now what happened to him.

DO you think by saying that he wants me to take charge that he is saying that he wants me to give him an ultimatum?

[MoonGirl]

Hi confused,

 

"Did you and your guy agree on NC together? When he told you that there would be no physical contact as long as you were still with your husband, did it make you mad? Did it make you feel like you were being cornered? Or did you understand and respect his wish."

 

We agreed on NC together. I know of others on this board who have agreed to NC for a definite period of time (like 3 months) to give each person time to think, heal, etc.

 

The no physical contact request did not make me mad. It was a very logical request, and I respected his wishes. The fact that he had the strength to request this and follow through with it was enlightening to me. I was so confused and emotionally weak, and his strength amazed me. It inspired me to work on myself, my self-esteem, etc. But I'm sure others might feel rejected by this kind of request. I think if this happens, explaining the logic behind the request is helpful. It logically makes no sense to be physical with someone who is unavailable. There are strict boundaries between friends in a mutually respectful relationship, and if your friend really cares for you, he will be able to honor what is in your best interest.

 

 

"DO you think by saying that he wants me to take charge that he is saying that he wants me to give him an ultimatum?"

 

It's hard for me to say since I don't know him personally. In most cases, I think giving an ultimatum won't work. That's because your friends has to come to terms with his bad relationship on his own. Even though he knows it's bad, it may still take some time for him to make a decision about what he wants. That's why I think an ultimatum won't work. You'll just appear to be bullying him into a decision.

 

I have heard of affairs prolonging a bad marriage/relationship. I'm sure you can see how both your friend's boyfriend and you are fulfilling most of his needs. He has the stability and comfort with his boyfriend, and the passion, excitement, etc with you. He is getting his needs met by both of you, and that's one of the reasons why he is so slow to make a decision. This is why you have to back off. Then he will not be getting his needs met by both of you. But you have to be prepared to loose him (but you don't REALLY have him now, anyway).

 

"Even if we are never together, I really don't want to lose his friendship. We are very important to one another and I cant bear the thought of wondering 20 years from now what happened to him."

 

Are you sure about this? Can you move on with your life if he is still in your life? Or will you secretly be hoping to have him as your own someday?