Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 But that is something WS has to agree to also. Nope. I think it's in the best interest of the children if you give him a head's up, letting him know that there will be no lies. That way, he can choose NOT to step in sh*t and cause greater strain in his relationship with them. But he's in no position to dictate what you're gonna say or do. He left. And now, you make your decisions based on what's good for your kids and what's good for YOU. He can look out for himself. Apparently, it's what he does best anyway.
tommyr Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Sorry this is going bad. Do you have a lawyer yet? I hope the keylogger and other stuff you found becomes useful evidence against your cheating (ex) husband. Don't forget to change the locks and garage door combination.
Guest Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Your kids are teenagers, right? They probably already know what's going on. They've probably known for a long time! Give the kids more credit - they are smarter and more aware than you think! By the way, what is a WS???
addicted2love Posted March 22, 2007 Posted March 22, 2007 I say let him be the one to tell them. He's the one that walked out on his family...he should be responsible for telling your children why. They are going to ask him eventually anyway. When they ask what's going on with Dad...I'd tell them "I don't know honey you'd have to ask him". You shouldn't have to be the one to break it to them...your job as a mom is to be there to help them through the fall out. Just my opinion. I will say as a child of divorced parents...(I was much younger) I was kept in the dark as to why my mother left me and my father. For years I thought it was my fault and I tried to be the best kid I could be so that mom would come back home. Truthfully as an adult...I've made my peace with it all...and I see that Mom and Dad are much happier now. Both are married to other people and I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel grateful that I didn't have to grow up witnessing the very toxic relationship of my extremely unhappy parents. (these are my only memories of them together...the bad times) Good Luck, be strong and you are in my prayers.
scubafish Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 goodmom, I feel for you, there are going to be a few more sleepless night ahead I'm sure. I have a similar situation, an can say that the info you are getting here is great. I am going on week 8 after the 'moveout' , I had one face to face meeting about 2 weeks after moveout, and wish I did not. I was a setback. If you can talk on phone, instead of seeinghim, it will be easier for you. I had wanted to see him during those first weeks, but by now, I really do not, amd glad I haven't anymore. It is easier to email/phone. I had thought NC (no contact) would be the way to go, but it is really not possible when you have kids and house together. I read about limited contact, and always make sure it is quality contact. that means no complaints, or crying, or asking when he is coming back. In 8 weeks, I have only emailed him once. He seems to email or phone every 4-5 days, with some small request or something to askabout, and I reply. If I don't feel cheery, I keep it short. sometimes, he seems to want to talk, and asks what I am doing, so I find something light to talk about, even if I have to fudge about what I did, to make it sound like I am having fun/doing OK. but I don't overdue it, or he might think I'm better off without him! (maybe I will feel that way someday, but not yet). These first weeks are going to be tough, please talk to your friends, mornings were always bad for me. but, I would call someone , and instead about sobbing to them, I would ask them to tell me what was going on in their life. hearing someone talk about themselves seemed to really help me get my mind off my problems. believe me, people like to talk about themselves. be strong, it really works, although I know right now it is hard!
scubafish Posted March 25, 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 I say let him be the one to tell them. He's the one that walked out on his family...he should be responsible for telling your children why. They are going to ask him eventually anyway. When they ask what's going on with Dad...I'd tell them "I don't know honey you'd have to ask him". You shouldn't have to be the one to break it to them...your job as a mom is to be there to help them through the fall out. Just my opinion. ps- I do not have kids, but this sounds like great way to handle it.
smartgirl Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I don't know for sure obviously, but it sounds to me like your husband is suffering from depression. He has gotten involved with someone and thinks that is the answer, but the general detachment while still taking the trouble to deny he was seeing her seemed odd. The things you describe make him seem emotionally dead. I think that he may stay gone for awhile, even up to 3 months - that's about how long the ones who leave stay gone. Then they have to start negotiating household stuff with her and the fantasy is over. He may ask to come back. Don't let him unless he agrees to go into counseling because pretending this all didn't happen won't solve the problems. Of course, maybe you don't want him back. Think hard about that and be sure you know what you want.
papa'sgurl Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 I am going through the same thing right now. It must be open season for loving wifes. I had no idea he was feeling the way he was. Then one day I find out he has had an emotional relationship with another woman for 3 months. It turned physical about a month and a half ago. He only makes enough money to pay the bills here and I'm not working. Don't know if I want to. He lives with his sister and can't afford a car for himself. He's 40 and the girl is only 24. She isnt working and she lives with her aunt and uncle. She does'nt drive or have a car either. The reason I don't want to work is because that would give him money to do whatever he wants. And thats not fair. We have two beautiful daughters ages 14 and 7. He ony spends about 6 hours a week with them. He brings me money on Thursdays and picks up the bills. He usally takes the girls out to eat on that day and spends about an hour and a half with them. Then he does'nt see them again until Sunday around 4:00pm then he brings them back about 7 or 8. I told him not to bother filing for a divorce because I wont sign the papers. It's against my religion to get a divorce. Besides I'm not going to hand him over to her like he's my gift to her or something. I can get child support with a leagal seperation. Hopefully spoucial ( cant spell it ) support too. It's his fault he chose to do this to us, and yes it was done to us. Everyone suffers the whole family, kids, parents, brothers, sisters everyone. And no we're not alone. With Gods help and talking to others we can survive this no matter what the outcome. Continue to praise him and he will prevale. Most people may not like the preaching but he's the only one who truly knows us and what we need, we have to trust that. And we have to trust him. He loves you and will not fail you. Our husbands failed us not God.
Guest Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 Does anybody understand divorce rate in this country is over 50%. Why would anybody tell somebody to keep the door open and keep hoping????? When somebody falls out of love with the other, it is usually both parties fault, somwhere along the way....... If He is already gone, and does not want to make the marrage work, let him go. Why keep the suffering going? Why should somwebody stay in a marrage just BEFCAUSE of the children??? I left when my child was 2, she 19 now. I can look back and say it was the Best choice I could have ever made! I am much stronger of a person today. I know the life I would have lived, had I stayed would have been miserable. Try living with someone who you use to love, now slowly start to hate. Life is too short, Sometimes we just happen to meet someone in life who fits much better to us. Move on, create yourself a new life. Cause even if he came back out of guilt, it would be just a matter of time, before he wants to leave again. And yes sometimes the grass is greener on the other side! Be strong and move on
Author goodmom Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Since there are still replies to my post, I thought I would give an update. I met WS two weeks ago at fast food restaurant, at his request. I made sure I was "dressed", with make up and lipstick. As soon as I walked in and saw him, I knew he wanted to come home. He was not "dressed" and he had not shaved in several days. He told me it was over with the OW, and he was going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me and our children. He had blocked OW's e-mail adresses (she had four--why does someone need four screen names?) from his computer and had changed his cell phone number. He had also removed all passwords from his email and phone. He had contacted a therapist and his first appointment is this week. The therapist would also like to consult with both of us. Well, any sane person might think, "Wow, what took him so long? He finally came to his senses." The next evening, I received an email from the OW. She portrayed herself as a victim, saying there are no winners in a situation such as ours, and because she wanted my husband to be happy, she was backing off. Well, any sane person might think, "Wow, what took her so long?" Her next paragraph was some information she thought I should know. The OW informed me that she was not WS's first--she was aware of four other affairs he had throughout the marriage. She thought I should know. She closed by saying she realized this information would cause me more pain. So, I confronted WS with the email. After looking like he was going to vomit, he confessed to ONE other affair when our daughter was a toddler, before I had our second child. It was an office romance. Needless to say, I am more confused than ever. My first question is why would the OW say four, why not two or three, if she did not have any basis to say four? When I can't sleep, I try to think back on times in the marriage, and maybe there were four, or five or six or whatever. Because I do have access to his cell records, I do know that contact with her ceased the day he said it did. I also know that she came to his office and caused a scene, so staff at his office are aware of something. I am inclined to go to counseling, if not for us, but for myself. Anyway, just wanted to give an update.
smartgirl Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I'm glad to hear about the therapy. As I said in my last post, I think your H has a problem. He may have had 4. As strange as this sounds, I think it is a good sign that he feels shame and remorse. The fact that he cut her off so cleanly is a good thing too. She is a low-class spiteful b**** however. She chose to hurt you, an innocent person, just to get back at him. Try to ignore her and anything she says from this point on, because you probably haven't heard the last of her yet. After the therapy, you and your H will have a better idea of what his problem is and has been. That is when you should decide whether to take him back for good or not. For now, work on it and see -- don't close any doors until you know what you are really dealing with. But, don't let him back if he isn't willing to put the work in. The therapist will help to guide you both. Good luck.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 You might want to check and see if there's another OW...that would explain the scene at the office and why she would tell you about his other A's... Sorry Goodmom...I'm glad you're going to go to counseling, I'm sure it will help you alot... Best Wishes...GEL
Ladyjane14 Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 The next evening, I received an email from the OW. She portrayed herself as a victim, saying there are no winners in a situation such as ours, and because she wanted my husband to be happy, she was backing off. Well, any sane person might think, "Wow, what took her so long?" Her next paragraph was some information she thought I should know. The OW informed me that she was not WS's first--she was aware of four other affairs he had throughout the marriage. She thought I should know. She closed by saying she realized this information would cause me more pain. Because she wants him to "be happy"... so, she calls his wife and reluctantly, oh-so-sadly, reports three additional affairs. :lmao: Hmmmmm.... how happy EXACTLY did that make him??? I hope you can see through to the OW's motives. She's a spurned woman at this point. And she wants to make sure he can't go back to his nice, cozy life. Don't let her jerk your chain. Look, it's up to you if you want to try and work this thing out. Even if he's a serial cheater, it's possible that he can learn a better way to do business within the marriage. Now... I'm not going to lie to you, it takes alot of hard work. And to date, he hasn't shown much of a 'work ethic'. But, on the other hand... that's common for a WS who's still actively involved in the affair. I think if you want to go to counseling and see if he can bring his A-game now that the affair is resolved... it's your call. Bear in mind though, sometimes what you THINK will surely burn the bridge... for instance, his angry reaction at how the OW called and ratted him out... even after something like that, the affair can still resume. Keep your peepers open, but if your heart is bent on giving it a go... I don't see what you have to lose at this point in giving counseling a shot. Just make sure the therapist gets down to 'why' this guy felt he was entitled to seek outside the marriage. That little piece of information is KEY.
Scrivdog Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Two weeks ago?? I figured he was going to fold, but I never thought he'd fold that fast!Married guys will sometimes tell and OW that he had multiple affairs before so that the OW doesn't feel guilty about causing the guy to be a cheater. It's usually bullsh*t. I know everyone on this board is going to make it really easy to demonize this guy and support you in the role of the victim. But I'm pretty convinced that most guys won't cheat if things are all well at home. I know that's a completely unpopular position to take here on LS, but you need to also ask yourself if you were treating your husband like a lover or like a workmule.Just sayin'
smartgirl Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I just left a long post about this on another thread. I think the problem is usually within the person who is cheating. They probably do feel under appreciated or unloved or undesirable -- it doesn't mean that their spouse is really the cause of it all, though they may contribute. People can suddenly begin to think all kinds of bad things about their spouse when really the spouse is behaving the way they always did. It is just that now that the WS is feeling unhappy they zero in on the spouse or the marriage as the cause. That is why you will sometimes hear people say "I never loved you." That is usually crap - they have just gotten so down that they are building a case against the nearest convenient scapgoat. I still think that from Goodmom's comments this guy may be suffering from depression. He needs some good meds so he can clear his mind and then hopefully the therapy can help them both get to the bottom of things. I had a great relationship with my H for over 30 years. We were very harmoneous and communicated better than other couples we knew. We know now, it could have been better. We have learned more after his affair about how to talk to each other and work together than we did before. We are a long way from being over this affair, even a year later, but I feel good about the direction we are going. My advice to Goodmom is to help this guy get all the help you can. You may still decide to separate in the end, but you will have no regrets if you work on this in the meantime. At the very least, you will have a less painful divorce and a better chance of being able to work together for your children.
Author goodmom Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Originally posted by Srivdog: "... I know everyone on this board is going to make it really easy to demonize this guy and support you in the role of the victim. But I'm pretty convinced that most guys won't cheat if things are all well at home. I know that's a completely unpopular position to take here on LS, but you need to also ask yourself if you were treating your husband like a lover or like a workmule.Just sayin'" Gee, Scrivdog, thanks for the support. No marriage is perfect. I am at fault for the areas of my marriage that I did not work on. I have never refused to take responsiblity for that. However, I am not responsible for what happened outside of my marriage, without my knowledge or consent.
GreenEyedLady Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 goodmom...you're 100% right... Take care of yourself...it's hard dealing with everything that you're going through...
JustBreathe Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Sometimes you have to hurt them to get them to understand what it feels like to be treated like you don't exist. If the OW is married, tell her husband. Not to be spiteful but to help insure they do not reunite once the heat is off which really does happen alot. If she's not married, then you will have to watch your back for awhile. I suspect my H did this about 6 months after I found out, but I had no proof, other than him acting strangely. I learned then to watch my back. To follow up on suspcious things. He may come home and appreciate things for a bit, but he never really left. He just took a few days off. He hasn't had a chance to fully appreciate what he is losing by choosing to leave a 22 year relationship for some woman he has only known 5 months. He's just trying to do the right thing. Don't assume it's completely over with her. She is a fantasy to him. People get addicted to fantasy and it can be like a drug. It takes awhile for them to recover their senses. After living on fantasy island with his side action, it's hard to come home to every day hum drum suburbia. Kids and bills are no fun. Playing around in a hotel room with a new woman is. He will glorify everything having to do with her in his mind for awhile. Then, down the road a piece, he will look back and want to forget every moment he ever spent with her. Oh, be ready, honey. At first, she was wonderful and beautiful, and he just absolutely pined over her, like a mooney eyed teen. About a year later, well, she was the evil slut who chased him and trapped him, lousy in the sack, ugly body, and he never wanted to talk to her again or see her again in his life. Hahaha!! He blames her for everything, like he was just some innocent baby. Whatever - it takes two. What you do at this point is up to you. HOWEVER, one thing: If he goes to mess you over again, or jerk you around, play hard ball. Kick him out with no contact and definitely TELL the kids then. Don't cover up for him. They deserve to know why their mother is crying and depressed. They probably already will have guessed, but be clear and tell them anyway, you don't have to go into all the raw details. All I told my kids when they asked was "Dad had a girlfriend and I found out." They were stunned and I felt bad. But they had a right to know why I was walking around crying, skinny as a stick, depressed like a zombie. Don't sit around making excuses to them for his lousy behavior. Don't let him jerk you and the kids around. Whew. Wrote a book. Sorry. But I've been there.
NoIDidn't Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 If I recall correctly, goodmom, you said your H is an actor? If so, then I definitely suspect that he is depressed. Its the performers calling card. Can't be a performer if you are not depressed about SOMETHING. Being depressed is an art for a performer. I figured he would fold quickly. He was just moving too fast. And you were probably killing him with your Plan-B. His XOW deserves to have FOUR buses driven over her. I don't understand why they feel that the W just has to know after they've been dumped. Its like "if I can't have him, no one will". I thought she loved him and wanted him to be happy. Instead of crying over that message, I hope that one day you will be able to laugh at the glaring desperation in her actions and words ( whether you D or not). Take things one day at a time because now the REAL rollercoaster ride starts. And it doesn't let up for about 6 to 12 months.
JustBreathe Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Yeah, the OWs don't give a darn about the wife and kiddies when they're in bed with their dreamboat lover married man, but once they get kicked to the curb and they realize they're nothing special... suddenly... they feel the need to do the "right thing" and tell her everything. It's so self-serving.
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