He is gone

[goodmom]

I came home from work today and he is gone. He left me a letter on the table in response to one I wrote him three days ago. He went to a friend's house an hour and a half away to think and "give us time apart to clear our heads."

 

He said we are postponing the inevitable, and he does not wish to continue in the marriage. Of course, his reasons do not include the OW and the fact he has continued to have daily contact with her since D Day five months ago. He said he would never leave me for another woman.

 

He is wants to meet Sunday night and discuss things in a civilized fashion.

 

He never gave us a chance. 22 years.

[goodmom]

Sorry for the typos. My hands are shaking so bad I cannot type.

[Hard2Think]

I know you think this is the end, but it's not necessarily so. There's a huge hurdle the OW is going to have to surmount - his boredom now that the excitement with her will turn to the ordinary grind. I almost left my wife for the OW. I didn't but I know exactly what would have happened.

 

Then he's going to miss you. It's a classic story. Let him go. Grieve and go about you life as though he never comes back. But I give it high probabilities he does.

 

Someone else on this board had good advice on this - I think you need to make sure you don't cry, plead, beg nor otherwise appear weak when you see him next. And after he leaves, don't contact him. When he contacts you, keep the conversations brief and act upbeat like this doesn't bother you much.

 

Sorry you're going through this ...

[Freedom Now]

Get LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dr. James Dobson. It speaks on how to save your marriage alone. Hard2Think's suggestions are exactly what you need to do. Get the book. It will show you how and give you a game plan.

 

GET IT!

 

And good luck.

 

I am praying for you.

[HopeForMe]

Hard2think is absolutely right. I'm not certain why that works but it does work. I think it gives them the frightening feeling that they really have no power over you and that you'll be just fine without them. It will be hard to do of course but you will be stronger for it. Also in doing this you might just find that you start finding yourself again and a renewed sense of strength to pull you through anything.

 

Look at it this way this is just one small piece there will be several others and I'm with Hard2think here that he will be back. Men don't typically leave their wives for the OW. They have lots at risk and not only that the OW is purely for entertainment values and he is getting something from her that not only you can provide but with you he has a lot invested. I know that sounds pretty lame and easily summed up, but it's the truth. I went through this long ago. Except when mine came back it was too late. I had done the exact same thing with him. Pretended it didn't bother me and immersed myself in hobbies and listened to upbeat music and I got myself through it and over it. Goodluck to you and keep us posted. (((((((hugs)))))))

[Girlygirl74]

Are you sure this OW knows he's married?? I wonder what kind of things he's been telling her. What an *********.

 

How are your kids taking this? Have they overheard arguments you and your H have had about the OW? Do you have family around that you could talk to about this?

 

You definitely need to get support from family and friends. Don't let him and is UNwise decision bring you any farther down. It sounds like he's really put you through the ringer on this one. He has absolutely no respect for you.

 

I too, agree with Hard2Think....be upbeat (or try your hardest)...get out, spend time with family and friends...and talk to a lawyer.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, H2T's right. There's nothing final 'til it's final. He might get out there and decide the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

You knew that if you put your foot down, he'd probably leave. But you still HAD to put your foot down, right? The alternative was to tolerate him continuing in the affair. And while it's possible for a marriage to recover from infideltity... that can't happen until the affair is over. The BIGGEST threat to the marriage is the continued infidelity.

 

Hang in there, okay? Your best bet right now is to read through a copy of Surviving An Infidelity and maybe a copy of Love Must Be Tough. You're going to have to be strong, because he's gonna TEST your mettle. But you've got nothing to lose that's not already lost. A good husband is one who's worth missing and pining for. A 'cheating' husband is NOT.

[climbergirl]

I can't add anymore than the others have.

 

I'm just sorry you are hurting and are going through this.

 

Stay strong.

[whichwayisup]

H2T is right, and as soon as your H realizes that the grass isn't greener on the otherside of the fence, he'll be back. Question is, if he does leave for a while, are you willing to take him back, go to counselling and let him try to make it right again with you? Either way, he has ALOT of hard work ahead of him.

 

Right now, he isn't thinking at all, he's thinking with the wrong head and is living in a fantasy world. Until he wakes up, there isn't much you can do.

 

Stay strong, be with your friends and family, your children and keep posting here. Tons of people can help you through this.

[goodmom]

I cannot shed a tear over someone I do not know. He is not the man I married. Any tears are for my children, who are teenagers, and even though we have not discussed the OW or the affair in front of them, they know that something is going on with their dad. He is a very unhappy and miserable man, more so lately. The kids do not deserve what he has done to them, but he will never accept responsibility for that. I do not want them to know anything right now. What is so sad, is they might not notice for a couple of days that he is not here.

 

I also shed a tear when I think about what might happen to my life. I said before that WS has tried his hardest the last few months to get me to change jobs. Now I worry about finances and insurance, which I have through him. I suppose without him around, and my children getting older, I could always get a part-time job a couple of nights a week or on the weekend.

 

I seriously doubt that he will be back. He checked out along time ago. He just neglected to tell me. Also, several times in his letter, he commented that we have do right by the kids and end this now.

[whichwayisup]

I feel sad for you and your kids. I'm sure this won't be easy to go through, but it will make YOU a stronger woman.

 

You are right, he isn't the man you married.

 

Talk to a lawyer, you need to protect yourself. Hopefully your H will be fair.

[lover's rock]

When this happened to me, someone told me that I would now have to decide, if he does decide the grass isn't greener on the other side, whether I would want him back or not.

 

I decided that I did want him back and when he asked to come home, I said yes. I have regretted it ever since. He has since killed any trust I could ever have in him. I may possibly lose the love of a new man who is uncommitted to anything and has asked to be committed to me and only me.

 

Consider this door closed and don't look back. He is a stranger. And living with a stranger who is a liar and a cheat is much worse than living alone.

 

You'll have bad days and bad moments. But if you wait it out, I PROMISE you that you'll start have moments where you don't even think about him...and those moments will get longer and longer.

 

Enjoy your life.

[Greggie]

Even if you still love him, your life will never be the same when he asks to come back and you take him in again. The next time you talk, tell him that his decision is irrevocable and final. And find a way to live your life without him. Your two teen-agers should know what their father did so they can share your grief and your aspirations for a life without your husband. THey will help foot the bill; they can even become more responsible individuals as they grow up. Get a lawyer and get his share of raising the family. In the meantime, find inspiration in lives that hit rock bottom such as new immigrants to your country or those coming out of life tragedies, and emerging again as better individuals.

[goodmom]

I was up most of the night. I am sorry to say I could not sleep because he was gone.

 

I came home from work early today. I was in the living room going through the mail. I heard the garage door. WS walked in and said, "I didn't think you'd be here" and turned around and walked out. What is up with the that!??????????

 

Besides checking out on me yesterday, WS has not had any contact with either child since Wednesday afternoon. Our son is leaving on a school trip until Sunday night. I am sure he forgot he was going.

[Scrivdog]

He's in la-la and right now, he's in another world. This just happens that this world of his seems all rosy for the time being. But in short time, her glint is going to fade and she's going to piss him off. He's going to piss her off as well. Those are the times he'll start calling to see if you're still there a s a backup for him should he decide to come back.

 

Those are the times where you need to be unavailable. Don't ever answer the phone at night, especially Friday and Saturday nights. When you do have to see him, make sure you're nicely dressed and made up. And be cheerful but brief with him. No relationship talks. You can go ahead and fall apart after he leaves, but you absolutely need to keep the facade while he sees or hears you.

 

This is no guarantee that he'll decide to come back. But you'll have increased your chances by alot. But it will guarantee you one thing. He'll freak out inside and you'll have exacted some hard core revenge without losing your dignity

[BeenAround_N_Back]

Sorry you are going through this... your H is too selfish right now to think about anyone but himself. He is being an inconsiderate *sshole. The kids will figure out what he is up to eventually... It is a tough road, and we are here to support you....

[goodmom]

I knew it would be a couple of days before the kids asked. My daughter just woke up (teenager) and asked why her dad wasn't home. I said he went to a friend's house for the weekend. She won't question because he has gone there forever. I do not want to say anything to them until WS and I meet on Sunday.

 

What do the kids have a right to know? How far do I go with "Your dad and I" or "We" when in comes to telling them? I have read that they do not need to know about the affair, as that is between WS and I. But if that is the ruse of this whole thing, do they not have a right to know?

[whichwayisup]

Ouch.

 

Look, your kids know things are not the same, they know he's been distant and detached...I'm not sure telling them daddy's gone to live with another woman is the answer -I think that would do more harm to them. It's something you need to talk to him about and hopefully together you both can figure out a way to sit down and talk together as a family, very open minded.

 

I wish I could be more help, hopefully someone else who's been through this can offer you more advice.

 

All I can say is, make sure that the kids don't feel it's their fault. Doesn't matter what age they are, somehow they'll blame themselves.

[Can'tGiveUp]

I know that many will contradict me, but I don't believe that telling the kids is the right thing to do. As teenagers, they will likely figure it out themselves eventually.

 

I believe as a parent it is both yours and H's responsibility to let them know you still love them and it isn't their fault - no matter what their ages are.

 

It seems to me that too many people treat their kids as friends and tell all - essentially trying to get them on "your side". These kids need to have a relationship with their father regardless of his treatment of their mother. And while they will eventually understand what he did, it will be something that they take into consideration as they continue an adult relationship with him.

 

I think that there are many ways it can play out if you tell them - one family that I know of the kids were on their Mom's side. Many horrible things were done to the OW by the kids. Eventually their father moved to another city and married the OW. All of these kids had limited contact (by choice) with their father. But as they matured and got older, they started to resent their mother for telling them at an age where their reaction to it was juvenile. They blamed her for all the years they lost with their father.

 

Now in their late 30's and 40's, they have managed to deal with and reconcile with both parents. But there were many very dificult years in the middle. And he is still with the OW - 25 years later - so they still have to deal with her and the things they did all those years ago.

 

JMO

[2sunny]

I'm sorry for your pain GM-

 

When this happened to me - I had to be smart enough to protect me and my boys.

 

You need to change the locks on the house and the key entry for the garage door opener. He ruined his chance to make things right and he still thinks he has the privilege of coming and going when he pleases as long as you aren't there? WTF is up with that sense of entitlement attitude?

 

Get any money you possibly can from the bank! He may have already moved it to his name. You will need this to help your survival in the future.

 

Meet with an attorney so you know what your rights are and what money he will need to pay you.

 

You need to be PROACTIVE now. I know it hurts and you may not want to think about these things right now, but his attitude is not of a man that cares about your well being and your future. He is not remorseful and not trying to fix what he did wrong.

 

Be strong and be tough! So sorry for your pain... reminds me of my 20 year marriage. He had one round of my forgiveness and the second time he knew he'd be out. He waited ten years (i think, but i do wonder) - so when he did it again - I had no choice.

 

It has been two years and my heart is still heavy - we are ALMOST finished with the divorce, but life goes on... just be smart and strong! Good luck.

[Ladyjane14]

Personally, if I were in your situation... I would tell my kids the truth. I'd withhold any kind of supposition or judgment, and I'd stick to the emotionless facts... but, I would NEVER jeopardize my own relationship with the kids in order to protect my husband's choice to commit adultery.

 

I think it's okay though to wait and discuss it with your WH though, Goodmom. That said, I would NOT give him the option of being less than truthful. You might very quickly find yourself painted out to be the "bad guy", the one who treated Daddy mean and caused him to leave.

 

When the actions are unknown... the consequences often seem arbitrary to the observer.

[goodmom]

Because he has blamed me for this twenty years of misery, I am worried that that is the impression he is going to give the kids. "I had to leave." "I have been unhappy for a long time."

 

I don't know. He checked out on me months ago and has refused counseling, refused to read or respond to any articles I have given him and refused to discuss us in any future terms. He has refused to invest anything in saving our marriage and our family. Maybe I am so angry for that I want the children to know it too.

 

It makes me so said that the kids did not choose this, and I would do anything in my power to fix it for them. But I can't do it alone.

[2sunny]

Two words to remind you of what is best - SELF RESPECT.

 

It helped me when I felt weak and vulnerable.

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe I am so angry for that I want the children to know it too.

 

Your best bet is to wait until the anger passes. You won't be able to give them an unbiased account until then. And that's important. They need to draw their own conclusions. It's probably better to defer their questions until later. In that way, you won't by lying to them, you're just letting them know that you need more time before you can make sense of it for them.

 

You know, I recently observed a couple who were going through divorce after the husband had cheated. The wife made a 2-year effort to get past it, but in the end, she no longer loved or respected her husband. Together, they decided they'd just tell their kids that they had drifted apart and fallen out of love. The kids were at pre-teen at the time, old enough to see that something was wrong, but not old enough to know much about adultery and sex.

 

Well... the concept that people just "fall out of love" in an arbitrary way caused a certain amount of anxiety all by itself. But the BIG problem arose when the cheating husband decided he really didn't WANT a divorce, and then started working the kids for sympathy hoping they'd pressure their mother into giving him another chance. Mom started looking like the BAD GUY, the "hold-out" who was keeping the family apart.

 

It became necessary to clue the kids into the truth. Once that was done, alot of the 'acting out' and poor school performance went away. Yeah, it sucks to be disappointed in one of your parents. But what sucks even more is being a kid, racking your brain trying to figure out a way to "fix" the problems between Mom and Dad.

 

Kids sometimes think that if they just say the right thing or get their parents in the same place, they can affect recovery. But once they understand that sometimes grown-ups have REAL problems that are just between the two of them and too big for a kid to solve... they can let go and stop trying to fix it. So, while a kid might not be able to understand an arbitrary decision, such as "growing apart"... they can see much more clearly that there are some things that are NOT their responsibility and that they can't change.

 

Anyway... you have to be in a calm state of mind before you go there, Goodmom. For me, a decision to tell would be in the best interest of the kids... NOT as revenge. Toward that end, I would want to answer questions without influencing them emotionally. They need to feel like it's okay to love imperfect people and to still love their Dad. He's part of who they are afterall.

[goodmom]

WS just called. He wants to meet me for lunch tomorrow at 1 p.m. at a fast food place. Prayers, please.

 

He also asked to speak to our daughter. She was very short with him and when she hung up she started crying. I have not said a word to them, but I think she wonders something because she came home from school and he was gone. I told her her dad has been having a really hard time at work and wanted to go spend a few days with his friend.

 

I think because they both already sense something, I am not going to force information on them. I also think that if they ask questions, I should not lie to them, either. But that is something WS has to agree to also.