Guest Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I'm sorry if this is long....I am at a total loss and I hope someone has some words of advice or knows if this is normal. When I was 17 (6 years ago) I met my friend's cousin John, he was 21 at the time. I fell totally and completely in love with him and we were friends/lovers for about a year. There is no doubt in my mind now that he was an alcoholic even then, but we were so young that I always assumed it was just fun. He was the funniest, sweetest, best guy I have ever known. In December of that same year, a little over a year after we met he was in an accident while driving drunk. He was in a coma for a week and eventually died. I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral or the wake. I was in complete denial. I had gotten together with a guy a week before he died since me and John never seemed to make a commitment. I am still with that other guy today. All of his friends drifted away and my best friend (his cousin) and I lost touch. For five years I felt fine, even though I live right next door to where we used to hang out and where he lived. Then last week out of NOWHERE I started to think about him. How much I loved him, all the things I didn't say and how I was always so casual about us because I wanted him to make all the moves. All I can think about is him, things we did, and all the could/should haves. I look back now and there were so many monets when I could have changed things, maybe been the difference he needed. He told me he was going to quit drinking and driving and hopefully drinking completely and I can't even remember what careless reply I gave. I have no appetite and have not eaten in days. I even slept with his shirt on last night. I almost broke up with my boyfriend because he is so unlike John and also I feel this misplaced anger at him because I didn't talk to John the last time I saw him because I was with Rob. Anyway I feel like I will never be happy again, like I was supposed to be the one to save him and failed. I just want him to be here again, I miss him so much. Why is all this pain coming now? What can I do to be happy again and stop feeling to empty?
sherlock Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I am so sorry. Losing someone you love is never easy. I'm sure you know this, but it isn't your fault. Seriously. If we could all see the future we might make different decisions. But we can only make decisions and choices based on what has happened in the past and the current. It may not be easy, but have you considered going to his graveside or some other special place you guys had and talking to him? You could express all of these things to him. I do believe in heaven and I believe he does and would hear you. It is okay to miss him. It is okay to wish things had happened differently. But he would not want you to be in pain and hurt over decisions he made. And don't blame yourself (or your boyfriend) because you were not by his side when tragedy struck. It was a tragedy, but you didn't cause it. It also sounds like you brought lots of joy into his life. Remember all of the good things. If you had acted differently or changed things, those may not have happened either. I don't think you would be with your current boyfriend for 6 years if you didn't love him too (and vice versa). Have you talked with him about all of this? Maybe he feels bad too. If he's trying to be there for you, try to let him help you find your happiness again. And try not to expect Rob to be like John. Everyone is unique and different, with their own goods and bads. Grieving is perfectly natural. Maybe it just took this long for your grief to find its way out. Just remember it is perfectly fine and okay to miss John. But he, not you, was in control of him and his decisions. Don't blame yourself! It isn't your fault. It isn't!
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