tommyr Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 he ADMITTED to doing this specifically to cause me pain.... ............ I know you all think it's harsh, but we are talking about 7 years of this and I feel like a moron for sticking around and just letting it keep on happening. I deserve better, and my kids deserve a sain mom. Wow, it does sound pretty cruel for your husband to intentionally cause you pain of any kind. He sounds very immature and insensitive - frequently telling his wife she is less attractive than another? Can't blame you for being mad about that. Sounds like your issue is NOT the porn, its that you have an emotionally abusive husband. Counseling may be your only option to get him (and you) some help.
Author myboysesmom Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 in the beginning the porn was a couples actvity and never meant to be a solo thing. the 180 came when i felt like he was being hurtful with it. When he was using it as a weapon cause anxiety to me. your relationship may be different, but he agreed to stop. Im sure im not the only person who has explored things sexually and decided it wasn't for me. Together in our relationship we had decided our boundaries, and there are things he asks of me that I dont believe are neccesary but I do them because it puts his mind at ease, and as his wife I have no problem with that because I have respect for him.
RecordProducer Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Myboysesmom, I feel for you. From everything you wrote, I can see the root of your problem almost clearly, given that some details are missing. I think you're depressed from sitting at home with 3 little children (absolutely normal and happens frequently!). Your husband is boring, your life is boring, there's no challenge, no excitement, every day is the same, you feel imprisoned, you have lost the zest for life, you hate the obligations you have to go through several time a day every day... should I continue? When was the last time you've laughed hard, felt wild, had great sex, felt passionate about something, felt like you're on top of the world? My guess is you barely remember when this happened the las time, that long ago it was. I feel used, because he (I think) knows that each time he does this it eventually ends up good for him because like I said, I become more of what he likes to watch. This marriage and his behavior (neglecting you) has determined how you feel. The circumstances of being s stay-at-home mom of 3 contributed to your depression greatly, too. You slowly drowned into a lifestyle that offers nothing that makes you feel good about yourself and your life. Naturally, since he is involved and participates in this type of life, you feel that he is doing it on purpose. I just want you to know that many, many couples, especially women, go through this emotional sinking in the first few years of marriage, while the kids are still small. Your children are probably younger than 7, at least two of them. And you're probably young also. What you're going through is a pattern, not a problem that is your fault or your husband's fault (entirely). You get married with the romantic intention to be on cloud nine forever and raise 3 beautiful children. Soon enough you realize that the kids are a huge responsibility (not always pleasant, no matter how much we love them), the husband is not as romantic as he once used to be, the house is a prison, and our big goals boiled down to cleaning, cooking, and waiting for crumbs of happiness. I felt even worse than you when I was in this period. It eventually broke the marriage, but my reason was because my ex had a daughter from his first marriage who was also a baby and lived with us. I couldn't accept her so he left me 2-3 years later. However, I do understand what it feels like to have three little kids. Don't worry, kids grow up. Mine are 8 now and very easy to handle, because they are independent. As they grow up, the responsibilities diminish and the pleasure of having them grows - they become our best friends, we have fun together, we can take them with us to different places, etc. What I think you should do is 1. Get a job to get out of the house for 9 hours a day and associate with adults. If your youngest is younger than 4, you can get a part-time job. 2. Get a cleaning lady to help you once a week. 3. Organize your time better so you don't have to spend too much energy on the same obligations. 4. Get a full-time or part-time or even live-in baby-sitter, if you don't have one (when you start working, you will be able to pay for her, if you think you can't afford it now). 5. Go to marriage counseling and try to revive the romance with your husband. 6. Go to an individual therapist to talk to them about how you feel - if you're depressed, they might prescribe some anti-depressants. 7. Find a hobby for yourself that fulfills you. Not having time is not an excuse. If you don't have time, it means you spend too much time paying attention to others and none to yourself. 8. Get out of the house and have a "me" time. 9. Go out with your husband on a date at least once every couple weeks. it makes me feel disgusting and ugly, and I truly feel that maybe he is trying break down my self esteem. I think this feeling comes from deep inside, but you're projecting it on the surface - focus on how you look, instead of what you've become on the inside. As you said, the shell is untouched - it's the content inside the shell that has altered completely. You ARE the same person, but you don't feel the same so you think you have changed. The fact is: your life has changed and seems become a non-ending monotony. I am a former shell of what I used to be, I used to be fun and talkative, but now I just kind of sit at home and take care of him and our children. Taking care of people can be very pleasant when we are rewarded in other areas. But when you only work without "getting paid" you start hating your work. When my sons were babies, I was so frustrated and stressed out by my marriage that I didn't get to enjoy my motherhood. Had i had a loving, stable, devoted, and understanding husband, nothing would have been so difficult at the time. So you're right, it IS your husband's fault that he neglects you, but it's not too late to change that and work on your marriage. Just don't forget: it takes two to build a relationship and not necessarily two to destroy it. I have to wonder if my wellbeing means anything to him. He has shaken any confidence that I had.You, like every other woman, tend to lose your identity when the man you love doesn't respond well to your emotional needs. Your world revolves around him right now. You should change that and make one team out of your marriage. You need to talk to him about how to re-gain the romance. Regarding the porn, I'd just ask him to not do it in front of me. Why do you care if he watched porn when you were away? He needed to masturbate and he needed some visual stimulation for that. I can't imagine my husband forbidding me to watch porn or masturbate. Even if he stops viewing porn, it's not a guarantee that he doesn't fantasize about your sister. You can't control his thoughts and desires. You can only make his hide them from you and turn out to be a liar for that. I guess my question is, am I overreacting? You're over-reacting about the insignificant things and not reacting at all about the major problems. It's wierd now that it is written in black and white I see that things are bad. I'm the lady on Montel that I yell at to "just leave his ass!" Don't worry, marriages always sound bad when you put them in black and white. The thing is they are not black-or-white in their nature; they are all-crap-inclusive. Marriage means that you share your life with someone else and often that symbiosis is very difficult. It takes a lot of constant adjustment. Two people grow older together and everything that happens to one partner bounces back off the other one. We tend to over-estimate the happiness that love in a marriage can bring. We also tend to under-estimate the limitations and inhibitions that marriage as a community has. You don't realize that your husband's hand, head, eyes, and fantasy world are only his and that's where your zone of interference stops. On the other hand, he doesn't understand that he lives with a sensitive human being and he can't ignore you or do whatever he wants as if he were not married. The truth is if you weren't married, you wouldn't feel rejected and humiliated, you would feel alone, but hopeful to meet someone. Having a husband restricts you to giving and receiving affection to and from him solely so when you don't get it from him, you feel condemned to loneliness. Marriage as an institution obviously have many major drawbacks. However, you can diminish them by choosing a path that will help you smoothen the rough edges. Stop focusing on your husband so much and focus on yourself more. Accept that you're not defined by this marriage - it's only one part of your life. Fill your head with things other than your husband. Just imagine for a second that you're a busy, successful business lady or a lawyer... you come home, you're thrilled to see your kids and your husband, they are all eager to see you, you're tired, you have dinner, relax together, chat about how you spent the day and finally go to sleep fulfilled. When the weekend comes, you're happy you have the opportunity to spend time with your family... Of course, you can say that you don't have the possibility for that or that not all busy women are happy. I just wanted to represent an example of possible happiness. Being imprisoned in the house with 3 kids, a boring husband, and a pile of chores you never manage to finish is FAR from what anyone would wish for themselves. And while this might not offer you a practical solution for your problems, you might see your situation from another angle and give it a different name.
fairy_dust Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 Well for any person that loves you to marry and have kids with you to say what he says clearly tells me he does not have respect for you or your feelings. I think he is a man who enjoys making you feel like crap about yourself. Condescending is the word to describe your husband, I mean it's just not respectable to treat you like don't have feelings. You have to be strong and you have to stand up and make ground. You have to get it out of your head that you have to forgive him each and ever time. I mean listen to yourself you sick of his shyte and well he does it repetitively so you have to decide on making an ultimatum with him. I mean he is playing games with you head and well he will not take you seriously if your not serious with him. So learn to stand your ground and possibly make choices you never thought you would make (like moving out, divorce, separation) Anything that will wake him up to see how serious his negative behavior and comments are mentally affecting you which affects your self esteem. Hope this helps
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