Moaning women in my apartment, or just a video game?

[Walk]

The bf saga... Part 3,498.

 

Last night I get home from work/classes and bf and I go out to pick up this video game he's been really eager to play. (I paid)

 

After dinner, I suggest sex. He emphatically says no, and explains that he just doesn't have a sex drive right now. That its not me, he's attracted to me, just not feeling aroused at all lately. I can understand. He's unemployed right now, and I'm sure that's taking a toll on his libido. Maybe feeling a bit depressed, lowered self-esteem, etc...

 

A few hours later I went upstairs to work on homework and told him to have fun playing his game. He was being really sweet. Bringing me coffee, giving me kisses, joking around and happy. Then he comes upstairs and shows me (in the strategy guide for the game) a picture of two big breasted computer generated women who were lounging naked in the picture. And proceeds to give this big **** eating grin and say "Oh yeah", like he can't wait and he's such a hot stud..

 

I was non-commital about it.

 

Half hour later, I'm sitting upstairs beating my head on the wall over a homework assignment, and suddenly this incredibly LOUD moaning is reverberating throughout the apartment. Women moaning in sexual pleasure type moans.. not just bad guys getting killed. At first I was fine with it.. a little annoyed... but whatever... but it KEPT going on. I'm sure it wasn't that long, but sure felt like 10 minutes of hearing women moaning downstairs.

 

It irritated me. One because I was doing homework and it was distracting to say the least. Two because I DON'T want to hear other women moaning because of something my bf is doing to them. I'm sure my mind made it far worse than it was, but crap... I'm not sure how many people really like getting rejected for sex, and then hearing their partner having fun making other women moan incredibly loudly while their gf sits upstairs alone.

 

So I go downstairs, and he gives me the shyt eating grin again, and this male bravado type look of "I'm banging two chicks on a video game". So I ask him "Can we turn the volume down?" Of course, he had to ask what I said since he couldn't hear me over the tv. I repeat myself, he says no, but then lowers the volume.

 

I wanted to see the "chick bangin" so I could reinforce that it was NOT real, just a video game, NOT as bad as it sounded, but he'd immediately switched to a different room in the game. It was kind of weird. I watched for about a minute.

 

I walk back upstairs. I really didn't feel like being the "good gf" and giving him a kiss before going back upstairs. I didn't say anything to him, just went back upstairs.

 

Few minutes later.. the video game shuts off, and he's getting dressed. It's 9:30 at night by this time. He pops his head in the room I'm working in and says he's taking a drive. Then he's gone til 11:30.

 

I wrote him a note and left it on the coffee table for him. (since he wasn't there to talk to) I told I was really bothered by what happened, that I probably wouldn't have cared if he would've had the volume lower. And that I didn't correlate "Not interested in sex" with delight in banging video game women. That it didn't make sense to me.

 

He slept on the couch last night. Even though I asked him not to. And this morning, he woke up while I was making coffee and wouldn't reply to me when I said good morning. Wouldn't say a god damn thing to me at all. Then he went into the bedroom and I think to sleep again.

 

Is it just me, or does this seem incredibly ****ing insensitive? I wasn't even upset he was pretending to screw other women, as much as I was upset at the high volume level he had it at while doing it, and the GD shyt eating grins he kept giving me. Then saying no he won't turn it down after I asked nicely. And I know he just said that as a joke because he immediately turned it down... but Grrrrrr.... irritated me.

 

On the flip side.. I know it was making him feel "manly". He's been feeling a bit lost without a job, and not having much money, and no real role in his life right now to make him feel like he's important. So the game kind of filled that.. and it's just a game, and it's not real...... but man, I really Don't want to hear women moaning because of something my bf is doing that he refused to do with me. Just... ouch.

 

Question is.. do you feel he was being insensitive? Do you feel he owes me an apology? And how would you have reacted if you were in my shoes? And I feel he's being an even bigger jerk now by A.) leaving right after I ask him to lower the volume and B.) refusing to sleep in the same room with me and not talking to me in the morning. What do I do now?

[bab]

99.9% of the time I think your bf is overreacting. In this one scenerio I think you are overreacting. Bangin' girls in a video game is NOTHING like having sex. It's just not. His game was new and he was exploring all aspects of it. It was probably more funny for him then close to sexually stimulating. It's a video game. And he DID turn down the volume, so what does it matter what he said?

I do this all the time. Deny someone's request verbally while actually doing it physically. Kind of joking around.

 

What I do think, is that this is the 3,498 time you've demonstrated that the two of you are not that compatable.

[2sunny]

they have games like this - what is it called?

 

i am going to have to check my kids games more closely....

[ash519]

I do think your boyfriend is being insensitive Walk. He shouldnt have just changed rooms and I understand your want to see what it was he was doing and seeing as the 'banging' went on. It's obnoxious. AND, why do guys say NO and then do what they said, to antagonize us? (Is that the word)?

 

Anyway, I think he was acting childish and obnoxious. Not really worthy of a huge fight, but at the same time who is he to turn it into such a situation by ignoring you. He should have talked to you about it.

 

I'm not trying to egg on your fight, i am just thinking of how I would feel. Good luck with him...is he looking for a job right now or just staying home and playing games?

[Walk]

99.9% of the time I think your bf is overreacting. In this one scenerio I think you are overreacting. Bangin' girls in a video game is NOTHING like having sex. It's just not. His game was new and he was exploring all aspects of it. It was probably more funny for him then close to sexually stimulating. It's a video game. And he DID turn down the volume, so what does it matter what he said?

I do this all the time. Deny someone's request verbally while actually doing it physically. Kind of joking around.

 

What I do think, is that this is the 3,498 time you've demonstrated that the two of you are not that compatable.

 

I know it's a video game. Same game, part one, had a part where you could have sex with a girl too. I didn't have a problem with it.

 

But full volume, just told me really strongly that he didn't want sex with me...

 

never mind. I get what you're saying... and I know logically it shouldn't have been a big deal... it's just.. I had to cover my ears it was bugging me so badly, and I thought I was really polite about asking him to turn the volume down. I just wasn't "super" lovingly huggy kissy before I went back upstairs. I just grabbed a drink and went back upstairs to work on homework. He didn't say anything, I didn't say anything. He was still playing the game. I didn't ask him to stop. Just asked him to turn the volume down.

[VinaAmez]

Asking to turn the volume down is understandable and he should have no problem doing that. I wouldn't want to hear moaning video women either.

 

I don't think you should read to much into him not wanting sex and him playing that video sex game.

[a4a]

ehh sounds like he is resentful about something and taking stabs at you because he has built up resentment.

 

No not in the mood for sex - moan moan look I am banging 2 chicks

lovey dovey beverage delivery - sleeping on the couch

 

This guy is all over the board with his reactions and actions.

 

Did you not say his brother was a little "touched" ? (I could be having a senior moment)

 

Perhaps he has some deeper issues which neither of you are aware of?

[whichwayisup]

After dinner, I suggest sex. He emphatically says no, and explains that he just doesn't have a sex drive right now. That its not me, he's attracted to me, just not feeling aroused at all lately. I can understand. He's unemployed right now, and I'm sure that's taking a toll on his libido. Maybe feeling a bit depressed, lowered self-esteem, etc...

 

The video game isn't the issue, but I can see how it bugged and upset you.

 

The issue really at hand is, he isn't busy enough, he's not working (is he even trying to find a job?), he's depressed and down on himself so I can understand how that plays on the ego and can make him feel down. BUT, it doesn't seem he's DOING anything to change that. Until he finds happiness inside himself, gets a job so he can be productive, hopefully things will get better.

 

I still have a problem with how he treats you, the way he speaks to you. He acts like a big spoiled brat! And, giving you the silent treatment after sleeping on the couch is his way of trying to punish you. How mature of him...

 

It seems he makes little changes once in a while, makes abit of an effort, then slips and goes back to being selfish and not considering your feelings or needs.

[DanielMadr]

I dont know what to say. Just that some of us need to rebel in childish way time to time especially when we are bored or other frustrated. Maybe you was evoking his mother telling him to put the volume down:D Then he escaped to his tree house:D

 

But the thing about not talking with you.....maybe he thought you are not talking with him (have you said something to him first?).

 

That note was bad idea. You freaked out a little. He was making fun and you made an issue of him b/c banging chicks on computer. Which he knows isnt the real issue. Thats maybe why he stopped talking with you.

 

Offer apology and demand sexual satisfaction. YOU HAVE YOUR RIGHTS!!!

[Asafan]

I gotta agree with A4A on this one. His behavior is a little bit odd and childish. I have read your post several times and I get the impression you feel the same way. Like there is something you can't quite put your finger on but is just not right.

 

What was the deal with going out at 9:30 and coming home two hours later? Where did he go? Why would he have slept on the couch? Doesn't seem to be a real reason for it.

 

If I had done that stuff to my wife after she bought me something I wanted, she would be FUMIN' mad, and I wouldn't blame her. I think you are actually taking it pretty well. I'm honestly at a loss for any advice, but you didn't do anything wrong from what I have read and he was being a jerk. Don't be too easy on him.

[a4a]

I gotta agree with A4A on this one. His behavior is a little bit odd and childish. I have read your post several times and I get the impression you feel the same way. Like there is something you can't quite put your finger on but is just not right.

 

What was the deal with going out at 9:30 and coming home two hours later? Where did he go? Why would he have slept on the couch? Doesn't seem to be a real reason for it.

 

If I had done that stuff to my wife after she bought me something I wanted, she would be FUMIN' mad, and I wouldn't blame her. I think you are actually taking it pretty well. I'm honestly at a loss for any advice, but you didn't do anything wrong from what I have read and he was being a jerk. Don't be too easy on him.

 

IMHO time to bring out the fork n' tater.

 

enough is enough.

[Krytellan]

But full volume, just told me really strongly that he didn't want sex with me...

 

Now I see where you are with this. I think you may be falsely assuming that he was maxing the volume on the sex scene for a reason. Maybe he just likes the sound of loud violence and it really never occured to him what you were hearing. I wouldn't assume it was a blatant denial for sex... we aren't that creative

[Walk]

This is the letter I wrote him after he took off last night...

 

******************************************

It bothered me that one minute you're telling me you aren't interested in sex, then you pop upstairs to show me womens breasts and making "Oh yeah" faces about it. Letting me know you'd get to mimick sex with 2 hot women. And that didn't really bother me. Kind of made me wonder what you thought I was supposed to think... But then.... I'm sitting upstairs listening to 2 women moaning really loudly while you smash buttons to **** them.

 

I'm frustrated. I think I understand it's a male way to compensate. You become more "male bravado" regarding screwing other women. But it doesn't correlate in my head. You say you have limited desire for sex, not just for me, but then you talk about sex with others more.

 

Basically... I'm a little touchy on hearing male-fantasy, male-generated, hot women moaning loudly as you artificually **** them. I know it's a game and it's not real. But sitting upstairs, alone, after you just told me you didn't want sex, didn't desire it... and the sound of it going on... it bothered me a lot. So I asked you to turn it down. I guess I'm not a good enough person to be happy for you that you gain satisfaction in making other women moan.

 

I only wanted you to turn the volume down. But I guess I pissed you off and you needed to excape from me. I'm tired. I'd really like it if you wanted to sleep in the bedroom. I'm sorry if I upset you. That wasn't my intent. I just couldn't stand another minute of hearing that, not tonight at least.

*********************************

Then ended it with I love you.. my name...

 

Was that really that bad? Was I insulting? Just wondering. SOmetimes I get too emotional, and I don't think how the other person will feel.

[Walk]

The video game isn't the issue, but I can see how it bugged and upset you.

 

The issue really at hand is, he isn't busy enough, he's not working (is he even trying to find a job?), he's depressed and down on himself so I can understand how that plays on the ego and can make him feel down. BUT, it doesn't seem he's DOING anything to change that. Until he finds happiness inside himself, gets a job so he can be productive, hopefully things will get better.

I agree. You know.. I offered to cover all the bills because I wanted him to take some time to really find something he wants to do. Or so he can do things that will allow growth as a person, or skills for a new job.. or something. He does stuff. The dishes, grocery shopping, drive me places, and makes dinners and stuff. I don't know...

 

I still have a problem with how he treats you, the way he speaks to you. He acts like a big spoiled brat! And, giving you the silent treatment after sleeping on the couch is his way of trying to punish you. How mature of him...

 

It seems he makes little changes once in a while, makes abit of an effort, then slips and goes back to being selfish and not considering your feelings or needs.

 

THat's what it seems like to me too. I would've been completely over the whole thing this morning... but he's gotta be a A-HOLE about everything. The taking off last night, not coming to bed (like he was trying to make a point), then I get home today and he's no where to be found. No note, nothing... I have no idea if he'll be home later. I don't even know if he plans to come home.

 

I don't even have the first clue what to do right now.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. You know.. I offered to cover all the bills because I wanted him to take some time to really find something he wants to do. Or so he can do things that will allow growth as a person, or skills for a new job.. or something. He does stuff. The dishes, grocery shopping, drive me places, and makes dinners and stuff. I don't know...

 

But that isn't enough for HIM. Sure, he helps out around the house, but it isn't self satisfying for him to keep him going.

 

Maybe he needs to take a course, or something so he is OUT of the house and being productive.

 

THat's what it seems like to me too. I would've been completely over the whole thing this morning... but he's gotta be a A-HOLE about everything. The taking off last night, not coming to bed (like he was trying to make a point), then I get home today and he's no where to be found. No note, nothing... I have no idea if he'll be home later. I don't even know if he plans to come home.

 

Then just go about as you would any other night. He needs space, give him space, it's the only way to handle it right now, since he isn't willing to 'talk.'

 

I guess I'm not a good enough person to be happy for you that you gain satisfaction in making other women moan.

 

He needs to identify more. By saying "I guess I'm not good enough..." is a guilt trip. By saying "It makes me feel like I'm not good enough...." will make him atleast see what he's doing to you.

[Walk]

I called him an hour and a half ago. He wouldn't answer. So I leave a message asking if he's going to be home tonight.

 

He text messages me back. Says:

I don't know... Is there a reason I should? You don't seem very talkative and I'm pretty disappointed right now. Does it matter?

Then jsut his name.. no love, nothing.

 

Am I supposed to grovel for his forgiveness now?

[whichwayisup]

Yeah he's acting like child. Doesn't want to take any responsibility for what happened. What a fool.

 

Do NOT grovel.

 

Go out tonight with friends if you can, so if he does come home, you won't be there 'waiting' for him. I'm sure that is what he expects you to do.

 

Leave him a note though IF you do go out. Short and sweet. Just go on like nothing happened...Remember, he wants YOU to feel bad, and to react...So, don't react at all.

[jerbear]

I do have to agree with WWIU on the do not grovel and go out. Do leave a note.

 

Another thing about the video game, it is a way for him to push your buttons. He is being a child and upset because he is unemployed.

 

Not talking to you is just another way to "drink" his way to oblivion. If he does call you while you are out, depending on the message do answer the call. Answer the call does not mean, hey honey I'm home, lets have sex.

[Walk]

Yeah he's acting like child. Doesn't want to take any responsibility for what happened. What a fool.

 

He admitted he threw a tantrum. (His words) And apologized.

 

Think he was mostly upset that he thought I was accusing him of wanting to cheat on me... (after he read the letter).

 

But I think I figured out that I'm kind of resentful of his "free time" right now. I'm trying not to be... but even when he was working, and paying all the bills, I was taking 16-18 credit hours of classes... He's not. And that kind of bothers me... I could see doing that for a month. Maybe two if there are plans for something that doesn't start until April or something.. But doing nothing, with no plans to do anything.. and then getting mad about not getting to play a video game right that moment... That really got my goat.

 

So, he's going to look at some job opportunities today. I'd rather he put that time into increasing his education... but if he's not interested in that, then I guess he's stuck with what's available. I feel bad... but... *shrug*

 

Anyway.. just wanted to share.. I was going to post a reply earlier, but my internet's been down.

[TheSwordfish]

I think you need to give this guy some space. Okay the videogame sex is plain weird. But you could ask him to play the game together (you might be shocked) but at leats you know what he is doing.

 

If you want a relationship to last you should give each other some space. Trust him and be confident enough to know that he loves you and will not cheat on you.