QWERTY Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Hi, I've been with a woman for eight months now, and it's been both a very rough and very wonderful eight months. First, I'll explain why it's been wonderful. We have a lot of fun together, love being together (although we both recognize we're somewhat co-dependent), and just seem to fit very well together. She has the potential to be a wonderful person, and maybe already is but because of the reasons to follow I'm just not sure. And now the rough part. She was divorced about a year ago, and lied to me about the reason. She said they she just changed and her husband couldn't handle it, but I later found out it was because she cheated (with a married man) on him and he left her. She told me many lies during the first few months of our relationship to cover this up, and only ever confessed (one lie at a time) when I called her on her various stories not matching up. In addition, she was still involved with this married man when we started dating, and lied to me about that too. Since then, things have gotten better. The lies have stopped (I think), but so much damage has been done to my ability to trust her. I've been in very unhealthy relationships (with liars and cheaters) before, and I was (and still am, to a lesser extent) very anxious and uncomfortable during our first six months together. But over the last eight months, she has healed a lot. She's been going to a counsellor, and I can see how much she's changed and how much stronger and self-confident she is. And she's told me many times that I had a lot to do with those changes because of how supportive, patient and understanding I was with her. But even though she's healthier, I still find myself unsure if I should be in this relationship. I think all the time about the fact that she cheated (which reduces my respect for and trust in her) and the fact that she lied to me so much (which also reduces my trust in her). I'm in counselling myself and it's helped, but I'm still left with this constant, nagging feeling that I shouldn't fully trust her, and that I'd be foolish if I did. I find I'm very suspicious of her (she recently bought a sexy new outfit the day she was going out with a female friend to a bar and I was overwhelmed with suspicion about her intentions), even though I recognize that at least some of my suspicion is unfounded and comes from my lack of trust. But the question I can't answer is -- how much of my lack of trust is irrational insecurity and fear of being hurt, and how much is my instincts telling me something is wrong? So, my question is: if someone who was unhealthy and bad for you at the start of your relationship has healed a lot and become a wonderful person you enjoy being with, but because of their past behaviour you still don't feel you can trust them, do you wait and give the relationship time and hope that trust will be re-earned (which is what my counsellor advised), or do you end it and try and find someone you feel you can trust? Any thoughts are appreciated.
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