redplanet Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Hi, I have been so grateful to have found this site and have been reading posts every day since the end of December and have found the support people were offering each other invaluable in my search for some peace around my heart following the end of an exquisitely beautiful 2 year R with MM. We had been friends since I was 16 and he was 18, we both had bf/gf's back then who we each married and have each had 2 children. My marriage ended when I was 28 and he is still with his partner of 27 years. When my marriage ended my friendship with MM also ended (he was xH's best mate) that was until he contacted me in March 2005, he said he had missed our friendship very much and I was completely moved and extremely happy that he had reached out a genuine hand of friendship (which had only ever been platonic even though we were always very fond of each other) and we had a lovely reconnection. This meant the world to me. We found that after 17 years we were on a very similar energetically spiritual wavelength, and proceeded to communicate on a very regular basis by email - he lives 5 hours south of me. Everything flowed so lovingly between us and after a couple of months, we commenced a passionate, deeply loving and absolutely beautiful sexual relationship. We would travel great distances to be with each other whenever we could make it possible. We are both very mindful of his family and I had never assumed that we could be anything more than an extramarital affair and he quite clearly indicated from the start that he loved his wife, even though they have had a monumental communication breakdown and a passionless sex life, but the chemistry between us is unmistakable and we both very much wanted to experience the affair. We were both very much in love with each other and we still are. We both felt that without any doubt that we were/are meant for each other and he would always say to me that he is open to a future with me, but that right now, the children were his priority, and rightly so. However, at the end of Dec 2006 when MM asked for space because he wanted to focus on his family, I had no choice but to let it all go, it was a very difficult time, but 11 days later he contacted me to see if I would communicate with him and although I had been through an emotional rollercoaster ride, and had decided in myself that it was probably for the best that we part ways, I jumped at the chance to speak with him. After another week had passed we resumed our almost daily messaging and saw each other once at the end of January. I feel I had been pressuring him somewhat into trying to pay more attention to my needs, which is something I initially never wanted to do. I understood that it could never be any more than an affair, and I an OW, but I guess deep down I wanted it to be different. We kept up our passionate, sensual diagogue even though my heart has been more guarded since December. I had come to the conclusion that I had felt that we should not see each other again, at least not until I was able to seek closure on the sexual side of our friendship. He was not happy about this at all and couldn't understand why I was feeling like this. We agreed to see each other last Monday in order to acknowledge our intimacy but to also let that part of our R go, and I felt I had found the courage to go through with it largely because of the amazingly strong insights about doing so from this site, but when it actually came to crunch time, I could not go through with it and we were both very very happy to be with each other and continue our amazing friendship the best way we could. We decided that even if it could no longer be sexual, we wanted to continue a friendship, because we both really appreciate each other and the genuiness of being old friends, or at least I thought so until today when I received an email from him seeking NC, permanently, on all levels, immediately, because he wants to give his undivided attention to his family. I am not sure what changed in 2 days, but I have no choice and must let him go. I will miss him very much and I guess the reason for this post is really that I just need to debrief because I am in shock, really hurting and spinning out. He is a very loving, gentle soul and I know he wouldn't want me to be hurting. I just don't quite know how I am going to handle this seemingly unbearable loss. I would really like some opinions about whether you think it possible to separate the sexual nature of a relationship from the energetically spiritual aspects. For those of you who are still with me, thanks for listening.
Freedom Now Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I understand your pain keenly. One word of advice even though I don't think I need to tell you this: Part ways with dignity and grace. You seem quite dignified already, but please keep this in mind. It will make YOU feel better. As for the pain: it sucks. It hurts like crazy, I know. You will have good moments and bad moments. And it will seem like you will never feel "yourself" again. You will. Some of us have been where you are. And we will support you and encourage you through this difficult time. I think the sexual aspects of a relationship are formed as a bonding if there is true emotionally feeling. And, yes, I believe that it is possible to separate the two. Physical distance does not eradicate the bonds of love, IMHO. I hope you find some peace and comfort.
Author redplanet Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 Thanks very much for your sensitive and supportive response FN. I must admit I was a little nervous submitting my first post and putting it all 'out there' for others to read as obviously I am extremely vulnerable and perhaps not as grounded as I would normally be and wasn't really sure how it would come across, so I really appreciate and it was a great comfort to receive your supportive response and I will try to remain dignified about the situation. Thanks.
Izzar Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Hugs to you RedPlanet. It may not be of any consolation to you but, if it was meant to be, you & he WILL be together sometime in the future. I truely believe that.
NoIDidn't Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 redplanet Not an OW here, but wanted to respond to you. I am sorry for your pain, but it will subside with time. It is very possible that your old friend realized that in order to recommit to his M, he has to cut all ties with you. That's the reality of As. You can't ever go back to being "just friends". And based on your post, you didn't have the strength to "go back" either. It doesn't seem like it, but this really is the best (for his M, anyway). You are going to be in mourning for the lost of the A and the friendship for some time. It will be painful, but you sound strong and the OW here (and many others) will definitely support you through it.
Author redplanet Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 Thanks Izzar, I know that the amazing connection I feel towards MM or rather, xMM is no different to what others feel, it is so powerful and naturally I like to think that we will be together eventually, but I know I can't and wont pin my hopes on it. NID thanks also for your supportive words. Unfortunately I guess I have to accept that we cant go back to just being friends, it's just so difficult, almost inconceivable at the moment, it seems almost unacceptable. I read a quote recently that seems to ring true here, that 'There is nothing more gracious than to accept the unacceptable'. I guess I'll have to practice being gracious as well as dignified, and on that note I will leave this comforting sanctuary and try to get some sleep. 'Tis the early hours of the morning here. thanks again.
dignityback Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Hi Redplanet, welcome to the forum. I know you are hurting right now but at least your mm had the decency to tell you that he wanted to stop all communication with you and so you know where you are with him. This is much better and cleaner than someone who won't say it is over and wants NC, but gives you hope by saying that he will call you. I don't think you can ever be friends until a lot of water has passed under the bridge and neither of you have any inclination to be intimate with the other. ie. you have both moved on and the feelings are not that intense any longer. As the OW we all know that the ending will be hard and feelings will be hurt. That is the risk of being the OW.
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