I'm desperate!

[wlminfla]

Hey Friends,

 

I have enjoyed forum this so far, and I believe you all have some good inputs. If you have time, please read my story and offer any and all feedback.

 

I hope my story keeps your interest...it's not an easy one at all!

 

For almost six years, from early 2001 to late 2006, I was so very much in love with a girl whom I was convinced I was going to marry. The majority of the relationship was long distance as we were in our college years, but we did our best to see each other. I graduated first in 2004 so I packed up my bags and moved to Gainesville, FL while she finished up school at UF. We finally had our chance to live together, and it was wonderful. I was a bit insecure at times because we had briefly broken up for two months, but we did get back together. I was insecure because the break-up hurt, and I didn't want it to happen again. When the time came for her to graduate, she was offered a job at NASA so I took the step to convince her to take it, for us to move to Cape Canaveral, FL and I would enroll in grad school in Jacksonville. I took up residence with one of her guy friends, had an apartment down there, and commuted to Jacksonville for school. I thought I was doing the right thing so we could be together.

 

The marriage issue always came up, and I was always scared for a couple of reasons...I'm a child of divorce, she broke up with me once, and I was still in school. I wanted to bring something to the table, and I was under the impression that I couldn't while I was still in school. She claimed to understand, but she kept pressing pressing pressing. I always knew I wanted to marry her and I was going to but my fears kept holding me back.

 

She was very depressed her first year of work due to loneliness and my apparent lack of commitment. I guess moving to two different cities for us wasn't enough. Granted, I was always tired from the driving and I verbalized how I wasn't a big fan of Cape Canaveral but I would stay there to be with her. She even found a diary of mine where I vented my frustrations and she read the whole thing. Really scared her!

 

Then, she grew more and more distant because she believed I couldn't commit. I tried so hard to be loving, caring, make friends with her friends, and to give my all. Looking back, I was spreading myself too thin by trying to be there for her while making time for so much else.

 

Jump ahead to August of 2006, I got back to the Cape after being gone for three weeks visiting family and she immediately confronted the issue of getting married and buying a house together. Due to my jet lag and pure emotional exhaustion, I told her that I just couldn't commit to getting married at that time and she took it as the biggest slap in the face. She offered no reassurance that I was at least a decent human being.

 

Well I thought we had worked things out after a few weeks and that we were progressing nicely. I turned the corner and decided to buy the ring. She couldn't have been more excited.

 

Two weeks go by, I call her one morning, and she tells me that she's leaving me. She was too overwhelmed by us and just couldn't do it anymore. I told her that I thought we were passed the pains, and she told me she wasn't. She just couldn't forgive me even though I had forgiven her for so much (including lying), and she decided to pull the plug. She said things had been building for a while but just couldn't bear to tell me until then. After all that time of talking about getting married, how that was all she wanted, etc. she just couldn't do it.

 

I was crushed! She claimed she was uncertain and she just didn't know anymore.

 

That was five months ago, and I am still absolutely crushed over this whole thing and beyond depressed. I feel like I've tried everything by going to counseling, praying, going to football games, taking trips, working out, etc. but the hits keep coming.

 

Check this out...

 

-I find out on facebook recently that she is now dating the roommate that I lived with down there

-Our mutual friends knew about it for a long time and kept in touch with me but didn't tell me

-I've been cut off from contact with her family whom I've adored, especially her brother

-I have quickly been replaced after being best friends with her for eight years, her boyfriend for six, and the man she claimed she wanted nothing more than to marry

-I've pretty much lost all of those mutual friends

-Spent two years moving for her, and she just tosses me out like an old rag doll

-I write out a long letter apologizing for things I should've done but didn't do. I haven't sent it nor will I because I don't wanna be the psycho ex-boyfriend but I'll probably always regret for telling her the truth of how I really feel.

-I'm having terrible feelings of rejections, love sickness, isolation, loneliness, etc. after I feel like I tried so hard for the relationship

 

That's my story in a big nutshell. YES, I made plenty and I mean PLENTY of mistakes in the relationships. Things I said that I shouldn't have, wasn't there more, etc. I never hit her or cussed at her or anything like that. BUT I am still head over heels in love with this girl and I feel completely stuck.

 

I've tried so hard to move on and let go, but nothing seems to work. She's obviously had no problem moving on, so WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

 

Any help is appreciated...Thank you!

 

What should I do?

 

Love Sick in Florida

[Blue Phoenix]

Sounds to me like she realy dosent know what she wantes your prob better off apart from such a person. At least untill she gets her ideals in order but then again she may never. Was she seeing the other guy behind your back IE cheating?? If she was then I'de def say let her go if she did it once she will do it again. And imagen how much more it would sting if you found out after the marrage?? Just go and look in the OW/infedelity section of these bords not maney happy souls or endings there sadly. I say let her go be with the new guy I know it hurts like hell I'm sorry but you have to move past her to alow your heart to heal. Don't be overly conserned about the lost contact with her family eather. After all do you really wanna be the fly on the family wall watching her and her new fling run around like bunnines? It would just serve to hurt you more and same with the mutual friends. Yes move on and make new friends of your own and then in time you will find some one new who you instantly click with and everything includeing marrage will come naturaly best wishes to you and be strong..

[wlminfla]

Thanks Pheonix. Part of the reason why it hurt so bad is that I just feel so responsbile...like I could've been nicer, warmer, and more present at times. I feel so responsible for all of this crap!

 

And no I don't want to be around to see the two of them together :-)

[stace79]

That is really a sad story. To be honest, when I started reading, you sounded a lot like the guy I've been dating (we both went to Florida, yada yada).

 

I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better. I wish I did. I have been pretty heart broken since December, and my relationship wasn't even a year long. I guess it really does take time, and it sounds like you are doing the right things like working out, doing things, going to counseling. Sometimes it just helps to keep venting and saying the things you want to say but can't tell her or family/friends.

 

Writing in a journal might help, too. Sometimes the best help for me is writing down the things that make me really hurt and angry, and then re-reading them. Painful, yes, but it reminds me why I'm going to be better off in the long run.

 

I'll keep you in my prayers. =)

[thatmatt]

Although are situations are a bit different, i understand how you feel about regrets. Like you, I spread myself thin for a girl trying to make her happy, and keep us first, make "us" good. After getting really not much in return, plus entering depression, I ended it, and have gone back over the relationship and looked at things I regret. I know it's hard, and for you it's a 6 year portion of your life. I found it helpful to keep reminding myself that although I made mistakes, and regret them, you can't blame yourself, it will eat you alive. You just have to learn from them, that is more effective than letting them get to you. At times when you beat yourself up about maybe you could've been nicer, a better boyfriend, things that were said, etc, put it into context. She was pressuring you about marrage, not being patient with you, while you were in school, as well as moving TWICE, going to a different school to be CLOSER TO HER, COMMUTING, basically BUSTING YOUR ASS!!!! That would spread anyone thin, hell it would BREAK most people, so just keep in mind when you feel regret or begin blaming yourself, put it into context. You made a lot of sacrafices, which based on your post sound like they were never good enough for her, even though you were moving mountains, and she's the one who ended it.

 

Basically, don't blame yourself, when you do look at your mistakes, look at what you learned from them, and when you get overwhelmed, put it into context! I hope this helps a little, I wish you the best of luck.