stlcasey Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I am so confused about this situation I am in with my boyfriend of one year. My family doesn't understand, so I've come here. Things were great for the first 8 months. I mean, almost perfect. He was everything I was looking for and I fell in love with him. He was kind, generous, loving. You name it, he was a dream come true. OR so I thought. One night I told him that I was staying in b/c I had to work early the next morning. Well, my girlfriend called and invited me to go out with her so I did for a little while. She drove and once we got to the bar she got pretty drunk so I called him for a ride home. When he pulled up to the bar he was angrier than I have ever seen him. He began screaming at me, pulled me down to the steering wheel by my hair and grabbed me by the neck. He called me all of the worst names. He threw my stuff out of the car and made me get out in traffic and pick it all up. When he pulled up to his house he came around and grabbed my purse (my keys and cell were inside) pulled off my shoes and threw them in different yards. I ran off, I was in shock and terrified. I ran to the corner store and they called the police. He ended up driving past and throwing my purse at me and drove away. It was awful. The next day he texted me that I was a whore, slut... I told him that I didn't want to see him again. Well, a week or so later he came up to my work with roses and made a big show of apologizing to me. And, yes...I forgave him. He behaved for another couple of weeks and then a similar incident occured when he came to my house and knocked but I was in the shower and didn't hear. He left all sorts of evil messages on my phone. Anyway, his behavior became stranger and more unpredictable. He would apologize and I would forgive and then something would set him off. He did the choking hair pulling thing twice more and I absolutely called it quits. I kept hoping that he would go back to the way he was before. I missed that person so much. I was in love with him. Well, that was in December and he just called me out of the blue and wants to see me. He said he was getting help with his anger problem and would I see him. I met him in a public place and he told me how sorry he was, how much he loved me and wanted to try again. I still love him. My question is, do you think men like this can really change? OR am I stupid to even consider seeing him romantically again? Like I said, he was wonderful for 8 months and then just snapped. Why would that happen? Should I trust him? I don't know what to do.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Yes, it is abusive. Should you trust him? Well, if you want to spend your life living by his rules, and doing exactly as he expects you to ~ there shouldn't be a problem. But if you have a mind of your own, and want to make your own decisions.....yeah, I'm pretty sure it will happen again. When he has treated you this way, repeatedly, and you kept taking him back, you are enabling the abuse. Letting him know that he can treat you like this, and you will keep coming back for more. I believe abusive men/women can change. But it takes a lot of work on their part, to re-learn what behaviors and actions are acceptable. Let him get the help without you.
climbergirl Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I do think people can change. But it's usually because they've hit rock bottom or/and had some epiphany that has turned that behavior around. Mostly, they have to want to change because they realize they are hurting themselves and hurting those they love. So it is possible. But is he sick and tired of feeling this way himself or is he doing it to placate you? I also think that "getting help" and "got help" are in two different realms. To me, "getting help" means that he hasn't quite beaten the demons. My opinion only. But I stand by my statement that people can change. But only if they really want to.
oppath Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Yes, abusive people can change, but you have been abused by him. Walk away. Let him heal and find someone with a clean slate and hopefully he will truly have changed. The abuse this man gave you...was unwarranted. You can sometimes expect emotional or verbal abuse, for example, if you dumped him, deceived him, outrageously lied to him...those things will prompt rage but you did none of those things. And the physical abuse...drop him. And you too need to heal. I'd suggest therapy for yourself to deal with this.
Guest XYZ Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Get out now. You will not want to hear this because you love him. He's sorry. Everytime is the last time. If he didn't love you so much this wouldn't happen. Blah Blah Blah. He has anger problems and control issues. You can NOT fix them or help him or love him enough or change your behavior so he doesn't lose his temper. If he loves you he would not treat you this way. If he loves you he will understand your need to walk away until he has undergone counselling. My fear is you are going to stay. You will want to believe everytime IS the last time. As much as you love him, love yourself more and get out now. If he is like this now its only going to get worse. Marriage won't fix it. Kids won't fix it. If he lays another hand on you call the police and report him. If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will. I find it so sad that in 2007 women still excuse this type of behavior or even hold themselves responsible for another person's actions.
Author stlcasey Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 It is really hard for me to move on because the first 8 months were the best I have ever had with any man. I still see that part of him and I miss it, the way things used to be. But, in reality I am afraid of him, of doing something to set his anger off again. I just wish I knew how he could change so drastically seemingly overnight.
wlminfla Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 StlCasey, Yes that's abusive! I'm not for break-ups at all (read my post and you'll see), but you deserve better!
Kwo-ne'-she Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 It is really hard for me to move on because the first 8 months were the best I have ever had with any man. I still see that part of him and I miss it, the way things used to be. But, in reality I am afraid of him, of doing something to set his anger off again. I just wish I knew how he could change so drastically seemingly overnight. Walking away from someone you love is one of the hardest things you may ever have to do. But, do you want to spend the rest of your life "afraid of" him. Walking on eggshells, measuring your every action & word, lest you make him angry? That's no life, girl. You will become resentful at some point. Better to end it now, and for both of you to move on to healthier relationships.
boshemia Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 It is very difficult for someone to let go of that fantasy person they fell in love with... but remember, that is all he was, a fantasy. The man he showed you first, the man that you are in love with never really existed at all... that is the hardest part of an abusive relationship. People hang on for years and years, sometimes an entire liftetime hoping that that person will come back... Please check out http://www.drirene.com/ and http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/ they are both excellent sites for determining if your relationship is abusive, and what to do about it if it is. Good Luck
stockmos Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 It is really hard for me to move on because the first 8 months were the best I have ever had with any man. I still see that part of him and I miss it, the way things used to be. But, in reality I am afraid of him, of doing something to set his anger off again. I just wish I knew how he could change so drastically seemingly overnight. stlcasey, it's a repeating pattern, you cite at least four occasions when he did this in a short space of time. Your best bet is to find someone nice to go out with instead.
thecount Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Wow, thats' a little too much anger there. i can understand being upset or hurt that you said you wanted to stay home and not see him, then you go out to a bar with your friend. So i can relate to that, just being upset though, But going as far as he did, No way,, no excuse, Leave and save yourself. I've seen too many women, and men get cought up in this situation and then they can't or won't leave for insecurity reasons. The Abuser makes them feel like they are worthless. Don't stand for it. you can't see this guy romanticly. i wouldn't suggest seeing him at all in any shape of form. You're out stay out. I've seen people like abusers hit rock bottom, go to therapy, and you know what? 2 years later, The demon resurfaced, and I've seen it many times. So I'm one that doesn't believe that people can change, even when they want to. That anger template is within them, and anything can set it off at any time. Whether its physical abuse, mental abuse, cheaters, whatever. I don't believe people can change. I've never seen it. An ex of mine told me that her ex would push her, put her down in front of everyone, would let his friends call her ugly, one time punch her in the face. I said why did you put up with it? Her answer, it wasn't all the time. i couldn't believe what I heard. I told her ones is too much. This could also be the reason why she treated me like Sh*t.
Author stlcasey Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 Thank you everyone. I guess in my heart I know what I have to do. Part of me feels sorry for him because I do believe that he doesn't want to be this way, and feels shame for the way he's behaved. It's as if something takes over and he has no control. And when he gets angry in this way and I get upset and cry, he mocks me. It hurts so much to love him and long for him and then the reality is that at any minute I feel like he could choke me again, or call me those awful names. And he blames me, for example, if I hadn't gone out that night with my friend he wouldn't have had a reason to be angry. I really feel hopeless and very very sad.
climbergirl Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Wow, thats' a little too much anger there. i can understand being upset or hurt that you said you wanted to stay home and not see him, then you go out to a bar with your friend. So i can relate to that, just being upset though, But going as far as he did, No way,, no excuse, Leave and save yourself. I've seen too many women, and men get cought up in this situation and then they can't or won't leave for insecurity reasons. The Abuser makes them feel like they are worthless. Don't stand for it. you can't see this guy romanticly. i wouldn't suggest seeing him at all in any shape of form. You're out stay out. I've seen people like abusers hit rock bottom, go to therapy, and you know what? 2 years later, The demon resurfaced, and I've seen it many times. So I'm one that doesn't believe that people can change, even when they want to. That anger template is within them, and anything can set it off at any time. Whether its physical abuse, mental abuse, cheaters, whatever. I don't believe people can change. I've never seen it. An ex of mine told me that her ex would push her, put her down in front of everyone, would let his friends call her ugly, one time punch her in the face. I said why did you put up with it? Her answer, it wasn't all the time. i couldn't believe what I heard. I told her ones is too much. This could also be the reason why she treated me like Sh*t. I should change my wording. I think a person can change their behavior, not change who they are as a person. Much like a recovering alchoholic will always remain addicted to alcohol, some have the strength and fortitude to not drink again and/or avoid triggers. If a persons wants to change their behavior badly enough-I do believe they can. OP-I do think you should leave this guy. He needs time to figure himself out.
kimberlyk Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 for example, if I hadn't gone out that night with my friend he wouldn't have had a reason to be angry. I really feel hopeless and very very sad. I say, be GLAD that you went out that night with your friend, you got an opportunity to see the REAL him before you married him, or even had children with him. You did the right thing by going out with your friend that night, in fact, you should thank your friend for getting drunk! I can see his side of why he might have been upset, but for goodness sake, not THAT upset, that's just ridiculous...he's got issues within himself that you will NEVER be able to help him with. Move on to a man who will love you for you, regardless if you go out with a friend at the last minute or not!
LakesideDream Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Stlcasey, You are in an abusive relationship. Your health, well being, and even your life may be in danger. This type of rage behavior escalates, it does not dissipate. This is advice coming from a male. That being said, going out bar hopping with a friend after telling him you were sick.. was dishonest. Calling him for a ride was beyond dumb, you rubbed his nose in your actions. Had a woman done that to me once, I would become very watchfull. If the situation came up a second time I would tell her to call a taxi and delete her from my phone memory.
Bree Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Definetly leave his sorry ass!! I was with my abusive boyfriend for 6yrs. and he never changed and kept saying how sorry he was. Yeah he was sorry and so was i, sorry i didnt leave him sooner..
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