curlyque Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 ok, let me first say that i understand full well that i made a huge mistake in rushing into my marriage, and i am well aware that it wasn't a good idea. so... having said that... the question is now what to do, and how (and whether) to save the relationship. and sorry, but this is long and complicated. i met my husband for the first time as an adult (we knew each other as kids, very casually) last july. he wanted to start dating but i was reluctant. i usually take awhile to warm up to someone before i feel comfortable dating them. i am not sure why that is, but i have always gotten gunshy if the guy wants to move too fast. well, i put him off because he was recently divorced and has two small boys. i did not think that was a situation that appealed to me, so i gave it some time and space. but, in august, he wrote me a wonderful letter telling me how he felt about me, and i thought about it for a week, then really felt like i was ready. so we started dating, and BOY did we ever. we live two states apart but spent all our spare cash and ran up ridiculous phone bills to see and talk to each other. we also started a sexual relationship, but our families are EXTREMELY traditional and neither of us was comfortable being open about it. in fact, it led us to a discussion about getting a marriage certificate, in case of an unexpected pregnancy. YES we were silly and foolish.. but at the time, (three months into the relationship), we were silly and foolish in love. at first, it started out as a joke, but we both kept thinking about it, and finally came to the conclusion that it was something we wanted to do. i had never been married before. however, we did not want to tell our families.. the plan was to keep it a secret until we actually got married publicly, with perhaps the exception of a few close friends. well, we did elope three months in, and i was thrilled, but around thanksgiving, my husband freaked out. he came to me and told me that he was having doubts about being married, and he was going through an incredibly painful time himself, given the fact that it was his first holiday without his boys (his ex-wife had them this year). so we talked about it, but we had an awful weekend, with him saying that he didn't even know if he was in love with me, and what did that mean, etc... so we parted at the end of the thanksgiving weekend unsure of when we would talk again. the whole time during that weekend, our families (who have been good friends for 15 years) knew that he was struggling over our relationship, but didn't know we were actually married. a few days later, he came to me and said he was sorry, he had just freaked out about us, and that he was never going to do that again. i took him back gladly, but a week later, i woke up with my own anxiety and panic. it has never really gone away since. i actually just woke up one day with a really painful doubt in my head and heart. since then, i have had the worst three months of my life. i have dealt with every possible pain and doubt (including the possibility that maybe i am just gay since i can't seem to be happy about being in this relationship!), and been going to therapy and talking to close family and friends. we did end up telling our families that we were married, which was a very hard and confusing decision for me. we had talked for about two months about getting a divorce secretly, but there were too many issues logistically, and more importantly, we realized that we don't live well with such a big lie. our parents took it pretty well, but his mom especially hasn't been convinced by our commitment (my husband's is not questionable, but mine is like putty), and so they mostly just took the news with shock and have tried to support us in our decision to be married. shortly after we told them, i freaked out again, and just felt, simply, that i was not ready to be married, and should have given myself FAR more time than i did, and that nothing my husband did now (that previously was so wonderful to me) was right. right now, i feel numb and exhausted, and really sad for my husband because he is having such a hard time watching me go through this, and because it is keeping us from having a good relationship. it's hard some days to even feel that i love him, because i am so tired by the entire thing, and perhaps because i don't. i know that i care very much about him, but i have felt so out of control emotionally, and exhausted, trying to figure out where all my anxiety and doubt is coming from, that i don't have much left to give to anyone, much less the closeness and intimacy my husband needs and deserves. we have talked about why we eloped, and though we both agree it was a mistake, we are really unsure where to go from here. my husband is very good at adjusting to change, and knows what he wants -- me, as his wife. whereas i am so confused generally and tired TIRED of trying to fight everything, that at times i think i just have to give up on the marriage. we have talked about divorce a lot but i am not sure i am ready to give up on the relationship. we also considered the possibility of divorcing, and then continuing to date, but right now that seems a little futile. in my mind, it is probably going to be either divorce or trying to figure out how to make this marriage work. i fully realize, as i said above, that we made a huge mistake in eloping, and missed out on many important steps that couples need to take for a healthy and successful marriage. but... is there hope for us anyway? my husband is a wonderful, supportive, kind, expressive, completely non-controlling, passionate guy, and though we have our differences, we definitely connect and have passion and are hopeful for a good future. the question is.. HOW DO WE GET THERE?? and again, i have seen myself caught up in extremely painful, unstable, obsessive and doubt-filled emotional experiences, even to the point where i am just freaking out that maybe i am gay because i cannot seem to be ok committing and loving in this relationship (where i had NO trouble before). if anyone has any suggestions, or similar experiences (longshot, i know), or any advice, i would greatly appreciate it. again, i know that we made a mistake in marrying so fast but i have hope for this relationship, so... please, give me your thoughts. thanks...
4whatItsWorth Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Now the feelings you are feeling after getting married are those stopping me from rushing into getting married...but n/m that. Divorces are complicated, and of course you're freaking out you got married to someone you'd been with for only 3 months! Everybody gets freaked out sooner or later if in such situations where everything is rushed! I think, only taking the rings off your fingers would give you a feeling of release and less "OMGI'mMARRIED" stress. To me, the rings are what makes it so scary. (Engagement ring - GAH!) Once they're off the fingers for a few hours - it's alright again. I think you shouldn't throw in the towel yet. Perhaps take some time away from each other, see how much you miss him. Perhaps you'll go crazy without him, perhaps you will realise he isn't the one? (Kind and considerate doesn't equialise forever, sadly.) Perhaps you will realise he is? I figure you're quite young, so it's even more natural to freak out - especially if you take your marriage vows very seriously (for some ppl it's just "I can always get divorced"). Perhaps see a councelor? Talking to someone always does help, even if its just to listen. All advice I can give you is my guy proposed after 3 weeks of dating. (IRL, we knew each other for 6 months before that). So I if anyone knows what it's like to have doubts and worries about it. But, he is wonderful. I think give it a try with the rings off and time apart. I think you need to be alone some to realise what you really want and need. Good luck!
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