groov Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 This is my first post here, so please forgive my horrible rambling and punctuation, sometimes my hands can't keep up with my thoughts! Well, today is one month (+1 day) since my husband had a "one-night stand" per say. Yes, your math is correct...the day before Valentine's Day my husband cheated on me. I guess it all started one day when my husband was playing basketball with a friend. His friends neighbor came down looking for the friend, and along with the neighbor was her friend that "suprise!" my husband had been friends with some time ago before he and I had ever met. Well a few days later this old friend comes back by herself while I am at work just to say "hi" to my husband. She showed up as he was taking our two girls (6 & 2) to the park so she went along with them hung out for a while and left. Well she came back by the day before V-Day while my oldest daughter was at school and I was at work. SUpposedly, they were just hanging out talking about old times and she lunged at him and started kissing him. (mind you this is all going on while my two year old is asleep in her room!) WHich lead to her giving him brief oral sex, which then led to sex....which he finally (give the guy a cookie ) told her she needed to get off of him, what just went on was a mistake, and she needed to leave (i know this ...because I heard this from her friend that this is what he told her as well as my husband). NOt that I ever think cheating is o.k., but for a while now my husband and I have been having quite a rough time. We were fighting all the time, and could never really please each other no matter what we were doing. Honestly, even though I had never cheated on him and probably could not physically go through with it, I had thought about it in my head many times and I think in a way at that time we were both (at least we thought) somewhat checked out of the relationship. Since I have found out my husband has had no contact with her except the phone call i overheard with her where he told her "to forget his name, what happened was the biggest mistake of his life, he does not even want her to remember she ever knew him...etc...) It has only been a few weeks, but since I found out...my husband has made it clear to me that this one night stand was not my fault....he says that he was being immature thinking that he wanted to be free and have the life that he had before all the stress of marriage, kids and REAL responsibility. He says, that as he was having sex with the OW he thought it was what he wanted, but it wasn't me, it didnt feel right...etc. And that as soon as he had asked her to leave, he was so overwhelmed with guilt & that he was physically ill (he lost 10 pounds that week before he told me). He has taken full responsibility for it and not placed any blame on me, he has been extremely remorseful, and has tried to be the most perfect and pleasing husband possible and let me feel however i need to feel, talk about whateve i need to talk about and I believe he is committed to trying to right his wrong. I know I will never know if he is genuine until he proves it to me over time (If I choose to stay), but I am a pretty smart cookie and am not easily fooled by people's b.s. no matter how badly I would like to believe it sometimes. But he seems really really genuine...and more commited than ever. I love him with all my heart and would ideally like to work things out with him....but it has only been a month and my emotions are so crazy right now...i feel like i cant think straight when it comes to making decisions regarding this! Obviously if he is not as commited as he is trying to make me believe...I know that I will not stay with him. I respect myself more than that. But If I feel like I can really believe that he is committed to this marriage and is willing to work his butt off to help rebuild what we have lost, than I am willing to as well. I am so hurt by this, but at the same time (and this may sound strange) I feel like this may have saved our marriage in a way, because it made us realize that we didnt really want out, we didnt really want anyone else, and we wanted to work on us....not give up. The hardest things for me to deal with right now are one This happened in my home with one of my children home....is that something that I will be able to get past!?.... and two getting the image of my husband with some other woman out of my head! How do you listend to someone tell you they will never be responsible for your hurt again and that they can't breathe without you while you are picturing the OW on top of him!? I need help!? please! If you would like any more info please just ask!
outofdarkness Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Hi! The first month after finding out about infidelity is really rough. You head is still spinning and you are filled w/ all sorts of confusing and angry feelings...At least that's what I felt..Your H is very remorseful and seems eager to set things right. The first thing I would do is ask him to attend marriage counseling w/ you. If he's as eager as you say, then he should not have a problem w/it. You all need a disinterested third party to mediate and short through what is going on. Once you actually get w/ a therapist, you may find that there are issues regarding your marriage that need to be dealt w/ that you weren't even aware of before his one night stand. I'm not saying that it's your fault that he cheated, but often times, there are things going on either in the marriage or with the cheating partner that cause the infidelity... I know how it is to have two young children too. It can really be stressful and takes some getting used to as far as the relationship goes. People go through so many phases in their lives, and that doesn't just stop because you have kids. There is NEVER an excuse for cheating, but there are reasons why the cheating takes place. Yes, your H's friend jumped on him and got in his face, but he willingly participated, even though he asked her to leave. He STILL did what he did. I do have to suggest that you get tested for STD's and insist that your H does so too. I think this is especially important when you have kids. The chances are probably not great that you have one, but anytime your partner goes outside of the R and has sex, you need to have yourself checked. Make this a priority.. Other then that, you just need to take a deep breath and take it one day at a time, in my opinion. Have a talk w/ him as soon as possible and if he's agreeable, go see a marriage counsel. If he's not, then go alone. I'll be thinking about you and your family...Take Care:)
woe_is_me Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 My marriage ended when i was 29 (H had a one night stand when i was 26) I don't think you ever do get those images out of your head and from the sound of how upset and betrayed you feel its not going to be easy. I found that over time the images disappear and just get replaced by feelings of distrust and disrespect. I couldn't love and admire my H like i did before he cheated. We all have different 'bottom lines' and only we ourselves know whether or not this line has been 'crossed' Good Luck to you Groov...
Bree Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I think he really wants to work it out with you and that he is genuinly sorry. I know it's hard, but if you really love each other you can make it work. Afterall the best things in life are never the easiest to obtain. Good luck!
Guest Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Sex is sex. It's an urge, it's satisfied, then it comes back again (for me in about 72 hours) I mean, it's like eating in the sense that when you have an appetite, the pie or candy bar is harder to resist, but if you just ate a large Thanksgiving meal... well, the deserts even, just don't interest you. Sex in a marriage should be like Thanksgiving every day. Whenever you need it, however you need it, and for as long as you need it, Baby! I'm for you! I am so lucky, no woman has been coming onto me, when I'm horny and fighting with my wife. That's a bad combination, but it happens often. That's when I look at porn for hours on the internet. I'm lonely, I'm horny. If a real live woman came onto me I would probably fail. Really. And I'm a good man. Forgive. How often... 7x70 times... that's right. He's human. You've GOT to forgive... for yourself, for your H, and for your children, and your grandchildren, etc. I would forgive my wife. I hope she would forgive me (she said she wouldn't!) but Really! THERE IS NO OTHER WAY! Your future as a couple depends on each others ability to forgive. Hillary is still with Bill. Get a differnt house if you have to. Move to another town if you must. But just forgive, and make sure you both enjoy a Thanksgiving feast! Anytime, anywhere, anyway, as long as you need it, BABY!
Guest Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 I found out yesterday taht H had sex with another women. Just once. Can't tell you how much I'm hurting.
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