Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Hi All - I've enjoyed reading many of the posts here and came to this site in hopes of finding some clues to my own relationship woes. I'll give a brief history - although I'm not sure how brief it will be! I've been with my now husband for 10 years, married for 7. We have 3 happy and healthy kids together, 5 yo and 2 yo twins. I also have a 11 yo son from a previous marriage. From the outside, we, like many, look like we have it all. We are young, in good health, have a nice big house, good jobs, nice cars...etc, etc. We recently moved to a very rural part of the United States from the polar opposite... New York. We have enjoyed a VERY good and loving relationship. D - my husband, has been a wonderfuly husband. We struggled a lot to get where we are. We worked our arses off for this house and built it with our very own hands (he is a contractor, handy!). We survived and were rewarded with 3 children after 4 years of infertility and very expensive and emotionally devistating treatments. We have been best friends since day 1. But in the last 2 years we've had a lot. It started the day our twins were born. As you can imagine life got very hectic. 2 children to 4 children in a split second. Our middle son took this very hard. I developed VERY serious post pardum depression for over a year - but D, my rock, got me through it with flying colors. We moved accross the country, built our home alone - every board, nail, shingle, paint brush stroke. We are raising 4 kids and we both work full time. I travel often for my business leaving him here with the 4 kids. We have had an AWFUL time with his family since moving here and have lost all the support we moved here for. My family and friends are in NY. The stress of the past 2 years finally took its toll on us about 8 months ago. Tired and emotionally spent we both gave in and began ignorning what was important in our own marriage. Communications, sex, understanding, patience, you name it. From perfect to pathetic in no time. Now, finally back on our feet emotionally and almost financially we find ourselves at a crossroads. Having ignored our own needs for so long we can not seem to reconnect. Added to this - turns out (SHOCK!) I hate it here! I am lonely. I work from home and live in the middle of no where - literally! On a dirt road with no neighbors for miles in a town with 480 freaking people! The kids love it so for that I am grateful but I am only human - and I was born and raised in NY for goodness sake! With my work schedule I can not get out much during the day during the week. Evenings are spent with wrestling practice, trumpet lessons, science club, etc. I have met other moms through this and we do talk and sometimes get together but not as often as I'd like. Everyone is very busy. Weekends are still about finishing the house (we have to get our CO as soon as possible) and taking the kids to their activities. Like I said his family has been a total let down and so there are not as many family get togethers as I had hoped for. I miss my close knit family in NY and of course, my girl-friends!!! We have tried to reconnect. We tried having a date night, special intimate encounters, communicating and we are getting by but just barely. I think we are both trying to force it because we do love eachother deeply but it seems like something that has always been so darn easy for us is so painfully hard now. I find myself very bored and tempted to give up and move on. I am in my early 30's and really want to enjoy having a life again. Being intimate, going out, having fun. I'd love to do it together but it seems a lifetime ago. Its like I want it so badly, but then again, part of me doesn't. I want the old us - but if we can't get back to that point I want fresh and new. Of course we have all the typical makings of any married drama - raising 4 kids, working full time, having "no" time for us, my own issues with weight gain and sex, etc. etc. On that topic, ironically, he feels I am no longer attracted to him! I can't help but to wonder if its not the other way around but he has been initiating sex and I am exercising to try to be more fit so I can only hope that is enough right now. I do love him very much, he is a great dad and husband. Somehow this new life doesnt seem to be enough for me and I can't seem to stop those feelings as much as I want to. I want to reconnect with my my husband and feel alive again. Please share your thoughts!
Mr. Lucky Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I find myself very bored and tempted to give up and move on. I am in my early 30's and really want to enjoy having a life again. Being intimate, going out, having fun. I'd love to do it together but it seems a lifetime ago. Its like I want it so badly, but then again, part of me doesn't. I want the old us - but if we can't get back to that point I want fresh and new. You know, I was just reading another thread where the H of the poster's friend joined a band in his early 30's and started acting like a juvenile delinquent. While there is much talk of menopause for women and mid-life crisis for men, I think many people - maybe including you - hit a flash point in their 30's. You wake up one morning and realize that you're not a captain of industry, you're not saving the world in the Peace Corps, you're not writing the Great American Novel and your not working on a cure for cancer. Your stuck in a "grown-up" life with bills, kids, a mortgage and a Minivan, living a lifestyle that looks horrifyingly like your parent's. This can't be you - just yesterday you were young, hip and cool, with your whole life in front of you. And now? Your desire to question everything - marriage, location, lifestyle - is easy to understand. From the outside, my only input would be "Are you asking the right questions?". Instead of wondering "What am I doing here?", why not wonder "How can I make where I am in life better?" Truth is, you made the choices that got you here and you made them for a reason. There would be a price to pay to walk away from that now, most likely (and unfairly) paid by those closest to you. I hope it works out and continue to post. Mr. Lucky
whichwayisup Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Let me ask you this - If you were to move back to NY, do you think things would improve? Because you have 4 children, you gotta give this marriage a shot. Go to marriage counselling, keep talking to your husband. Tell him that you're feeling lonely. It also sounds like you don't have enough YOU time, in the sense of connecting with the outside world. Not having that enough can destroy a persons spirit. I don't think you're having a midlife crisis, I think it's just been a real hard adjustment, the twins, the move, suffering depression...And, not having other family around to help is difficult too. Also, with the marriage counselling, maybe some one on one counselling would help you sort out some of your own feelings and thoughts. Good luck, keep posting.
Guest Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Iwhy not wonder "How can I make where I am in life better?" Truth is, you made the choices that got you here and you made them for a reason. There would be a price to pay to walk away from that now, most likely (and unfairly) paid by those closest to you. I hope it works out and continue to post. You are 100% right - and my husband has basically said the same thing. "Let's find a way to make this work for you or at least make it better". Our main obstacles are, that in a town of under 500 people there are not many opportunities for socialization outside of the Friday night football games and weekend wrestling tournaments. I do actually enjoy both of those and so we participate. I really wish the town had a gym that I could go to at the end of the day and workout and be among other adults. Plus it would give me a time to devote to exercise. But in a town this small its not some that is every likely to happen. Also, I'd LOVE to work outside the home! Right now it would be finacial suicide for me to leave my job as I am still earning my NY salary. Its not an option at this time but it will be an option sooner or later. I also started a group with 3 other women that I met at school functions to watch Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights and I LOVE that but so often it gets canceled because of schedules which really stinks. My husband is so amazingly comitted to making this work. I sort of mentally checked out of our marriage for a while but in November we started really talking about it and recognizing the problems. Not much has changed in the months since then but I'm not sure I have been giving it a fair shot. I am convinced that I'll never be happy so in a sense I feel like I am just waiting for the inevitable. We keep having these "talks" and saying we will make it better but never fail we both go back to our bad habits. I think this may be the final straw and lucky enough I feel like we are connecting more this time than we have in the previous times we've tried to make things better. Let me ask you this - If you were to move back to NY, do you think things would improve? Because you have 4 children, you gotta give this marriage a shot. Go to marriage counselling, keep talking to your husband. Tell him that you're feeling lonely. It also sounds like you don't have enough YOU time, in the sense of connecting with the outside world. Not having that enough can destroy a persons spirit. I don't think you're having a midlife crisis, I think it's just been a real hard adjustment, the twins, the move, suffering depression...And, not having other family around to help is difficult too. Also, with the marriage counselling, maybe some one on one counselling would help you sort out some of your own feelings and thoughts. Of course moving back to NY would solve some of the issues but... not all and most importantly it would not be good for my children. Sure I wish we could move back with every ounce of my being. Truth be told - my kids are thriving and especially my 11 yo. He has already seen the divorce of his dad and I and suffered greatly. His dad and I have come a LONG way to making amends and we are all so close now. When he agreed to let us move it was a very selfless act and proved that not only did he want what was best for his son but he also trusted me again enough to nurture their relationship. I have and it has been, for my son, the most amazing turn around a parent could have dreamed of. I have been to counseling. I just recently ended visits that I have been having since the twins were born 2 years ago. It was a tremendous help to me but it seems that as each old chapter ends a new one begins and I think I may be in therapy for the rest of my life at this point! It was a little bit like I woke up from this bad nightmare and found myself here wondering how the hell I got here! I did make the decisions to do this, although I question if I was making decisions that were to big during a difficult time in my life. Oh well, whats done is done. Who knows, maybe I would have made the same decisions no matter what stage my life was in. I feel a lot like what you posted above - my spirit is dead. Its like life goes on out there in this great big world but I am stuck in the middle of no where - and I really mean that! - by myself. I'm an hot headed Italian from NY - this is no place for me! Anyway, I do appreciate your replies. Like I said the good news is that for perhaps the first time in ages I am feeling that connection again. For the first time since we've moved into our new home we slept last night completely wrapped around eachother - and it was great. I wish I could find a way to have more time for myself - but not necessarily alone time. I am alone enough. Take a look at my exciting schedule: 6:15 am - wake up and get 5 yo and 11 yo dressed, fed and on the bus 6:45 am - take the long trip to the basement & exercise for 45 minutes (yet I'm still over*freaking*weight and I am well aware that could be compounding my issues!) 7:30 am - get twins up and ready and take to daycare 8:15 - back to the house to work 4:45 - school age kids come home, give snack, do homework 5:15 - pick up twins from daycare 5:45 - cook dinner, eat, clean, laundry, athletic practices if they have it 8:00 - put twins to bed 8:15 - one on one time with 5 and 11 yo 8:45 - put 5 and 11 yo to bed 9:00 - finish clean up, work a little 10:00 - go to bed. Day in, day out - no outside contact except for bringing the twins to daycare. I need socialization and I need my marriage back to the way it was in the good old days. H was my best friend, he was my everything. Even with busy work schedules and friends and social events like we had in NY we always made time for eachother and truly enoyed every second. Now when you think I'd be closer to him than ever with plenty of time with him its like we are further apart then ever. Is it possible to go back to that - can you come this far and go back? We are young and healthy and have so many dreams we share together - I feel like life and circumstances just got in the way of our relationship and it sucks! We shouldn't be this unhappy when we love eachother so much.
Guest Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 I find myself very bored and tempted to give up and move on. I am in my early 30's and really want to enjoy having a life again. Being intimate, going out, having fun. I'd love to do it together but it seems a lifetime ago. Its like I want it so badly, but then again, part of me doesn't. I want the old us - but if we can't get back to that point I want fresh and new. I read this note.. and I can't stop but think.. My god.. You are so Self Centered. You're young.. You've gained.. weight.. You're bored with 4 kids that you tried so hard to have... you're this.. you're.. that... !!! How could you possible think of breaking up your family.. subsequently taking your children away from their in-house father.. because "you're bored" Honey... You have a life.. its called being a Mother to your FOUR kids! Your life forever changes with kids.. especially with 3.. all of which are young. You simply don't have the time to indulge yourself in such self-centerness. I mean honestly... Do you realize how much that would hurt your children? Are you so ready to be on MARRIAGE NUMBER 3? Its your duty and responsibility to be the best mother you can.. not to necessary go-out and have fun. Its honestly amazing how many women today are so self-centered. That said... Moving away from your family only then to expect them to visit you and come out to you.. is.. (1) not a good situation and (2) Very Self Centered.. once again. How could you expect your parents.. undoubtedly older than yourself.. to come out to you to visit because YOU move away. I understand your 30.. but let me tell you.. no matter how difficult it is to box up the kids and taken them to your family.. Older folks are tire soo much more than younger folks... its understandable that they aren't as willing. If you want their help and their relationship.. Be near them! Last... Why are you working while having (3) kids at home?? You do realize that (3) kids... two of which are age (2) is a full time job.. double time?? How can you honestly be happy with dealing with that and work? Its really too much and can make anyone depressed and unhappy.. and wanting.. too.. Escape... and don't tell me you can't afford not too.. because.. you can.. sell your new house.. move to a smaller one.. and be happy. Money often times only brings you misery. This is a female writing this...
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