oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 It was confirmed a week ago that my ex did truly lie about her reasons for the breakup (duh) and having feelings for me, and that I was mostly about the sex, which is why it didn't phase her to ask for FWB. It hurt initially but it's really made me accept things; it was the closure I needed because it was how I felt, and it was nice to know there are no what if's. She is a selfish person. She lacks emotional intelligence. She handled everything poorly. That doesn't make her a bad person, it just makes her not the one for me. I'm avoiding her and her friends and choose other social activities. The hard part is feeling she is probably out dating/sleeping with someone. I'm depressed. Even though I've kept myself very socially active, dating is an impossibility right now. This is ok, I just wish I was my normal, confident self. I have my moments but my energy is sapped quickly. I actually have asked out two girls from my massage class -- my primary target has a bf -- so I asked my secondary out via email and am awaiting a response. I view these interactions as friendships only, considering I'm actually leaving town in a few weeks. I figured it would be good to take some social risks and face rejection but with no pressure, and just get out and talk/flirt with someone. It's difficult because I suspect my ex is perfectly happy, and I was extremely happy before I started dating her; I knew she just got out of a long term relationship. I guess I don't regret dating her, I had wonderful experiences, fantastic sex, felt intimacy I've never felt before...if I can do those things once I can do them again. At the same time, I wish I had my happiness back. I suppose there is also a blessing in disguise here, because if I can get over heartbreak WHILE being clinically depressed...I can get over anything. I know I'll date, have sex, and love again. I will. It's time for me to be selfish. I need to get my happiness back before being involved, and in a depression, sometimes I lose sight of the good things going for me and the great things about me. I will return. I will get happy. I refuse to engage myself in destructive behaviors. I will get through this and I will get over my ex. I'm even accepting the loss of the friendships, even hers, because I wouldn't want to be friends with her after what she did to me and her deception. She is still a good person but she has some maturing to do. When I'm happy, I'll find someone better for me and feel the love and intimacy again, and be in a better relationship.
intopieces Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Well, rejoice in the fact that you got answers. Even though it hurts, at least you now know the truth and I hope some level of closure.
polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Ugh, I so sorry for what you're going through, and relate. And am confident that you'll get through it better and wiser. Are you being treated for your depression, I hope? I've been there!
Author oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 It's not even about the ex so much anymore -- I even refer to her as [name-redacted] if she comes up in conversation -- it's about the depression, and I am receiving treatment (cognitive behavioral therapy and medications). What is difficult is separating normal breakup grief from the depression. They are convoluted of course. I mourn the loss of the social circle more than her at the moment because it took me a couple of years to find a "group" I enjoyed. I found it and she was part of it, so I possess a little bitterness there. It was a long and lonely journey for me but I'm not starting over, I'm just shifting my energies elsewhere. I have friends, and now is the time to nurture those friendships, and to reach out to people I don't know as well but would like to know better. In fact, I think I'm done posting about [name-redacted]. I don't need to relive the story again. I've accepted it is over. What I need to cope with is the depression, and I am. I need to remember being depressed, I'm not going to be my normal self, and that is ok; it is ok if I'm not as affable, friendly, or flirtatious as I would otherwise be. I'll return to those things if I'm patient, persistent, and care for myself.
polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 hi oppath, I looked at some of your earlier threads about your break up to get your story. I relate to all of it! It sounds like you have a great attitude, and as someone who's gone through the convoluted break-up/depression thing, I agree... just be kind and gentle to yourself and all will heal. I know you know that, but I'm just saying it. Keep posting, and heal well.
Author oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I'll be fine. I just need to remind myself (1) it is ok if it takes a while to heal from a breakup. When you love intensely, it takes time. (2) it takes time to get over depression. I have a lot of great things going for me. I'm taking a leave of absence from my PhD, moving away for 5 months to make 5 times my grad student stipend as an environmental consultant. I found a place to live with some cool people, used myspace to find young women at my place of work (not stalking, I legitimately asked "where do I look to find rooms for rent other than craigslist), and they are already talking about hanging out. I finished my sailing certification. Everything is good except I don't feel good. I will get better.
polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 wow... like there's lots to look forward to when the fog lifts!
Author oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 yes, there is a lot to look forward too. I can't wait until the fog lifts, and honestly, some space from my ex and her friends is just what I need. I've beaten myself up for how I reacted when I learned about her ex proposing. This is where depression kills. Because I emailed "how are you lie to me. Screw you. It's pathetic how selfish and passive you are. How dare you lie to me and then ask for friends with benefits. Screw you. I'm an amazing person. Think about how you treated me. What does that make you? If you can't tell me the truth, I'll tell your ex about me." From her perspective, I went psycho and was abusive. Because I'm depressed, I convince myself I am was those things. In reality, I was (1) extremely hurt. Any words in the first 24 hours after learning something like an ex proposing just before you've been dumped are going to be rage, not what you really mean. (2) I had a right to be pissed and tell her. I didn't follow through on my threat and had enough integrity to apologize. (3) I am depressed. I likely wouldn't have reacted that way if I weren't; I can't blame myself for my disease. (4) If she were honest with me, none of this would have happened, she too has blame. (5) If she hadn't asked to be friends with benefits, I wouldn't have reacted. I felt so used and betrayed. So I need to forgive myself. She TOO is to blame. With depression -- despite everyone on this board saying "it's ok. You were pissed and hurt and you told her off. It doesn't make you abusive, you had a weak moment because she really hurt you" -- I am in a fog. It's like your ex, Polywog, despite him acting like a dick, it doesn't mean he truly is one. People don't show their true colors when they are in pain or uncomfortable, they show their pain and discomfort. Leaving town and focusing on the other areas of my life is JUST what I need. It's time to distance myself and fall in love with my passions and my life. It's time to heal. It's time to be selfish.
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