PracticalShade Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 A little background: I am a college senior and the girl in the story is a college freshman. She and I met each other through a mutual friend and it was an immediate connection.. or is attachment a better word? I'm not sure. In any case, despite our difference in age/life experience we really found some ways we connected and we really enjoyed each other's company. After a while, the relationship became kind of turbulent because I caught her in some lies. (some shady stuff, but nothing that involved cheating.) After that I exclaimed that if she wanted to fully earn back the trust then she'd have to be transparent for a while, as far as privacy goes. I guess it was a stick of dynamite because although we lasted a couple more months (even got in good with each other's families), it still came to an end. I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of a hardass about things after the trustbreaker. Anytime a guy that I hadn't been familiarized with would try to message or call her, I'd ask lots of questions. (in fear that I was being lied to again, naturally) She said that the relationship had reached a point to where in order for it to be good, she had to quit talking to a lot of her old friends (who are guys) from back home and to quit going to all those shows and what not. Her reason for breaking up with me was that she needed to have "me" time and everything that she's wanting to do, she "couldn't do and have a healthy relationship." Naturally I asked if this was about another guy and she she still loves me and doesn't even want to mess around with anyone else. She also said that it would kill her to see me with someone else but if that was my choice then I should do what I need to do because she's doing what she needs to do. Of course I was floored by this because I wouldn't be so willing to let go of someone I loved!!! (Who would want to tell them they can go find someone else?) Well it's been almost 2 weeks since we broke up and I've been just short of falling apart. She went from the occasional message telling me how bad it feels without me to only texting me goodnight and talking to me when she sees me to... kind of avoiding me. She said that she couldn't give me the time I needed but like... her facebook status sometimes says stuff like she's bored, (which would indicate free time..?) And she's gone to a party and like 3 different shows since we broke up. (She and I have the same friends, so they tell me all this stuff) Sometimes I text her (which I know I shouldn't) and I ask her in roundabout ways if being without me is what she really wants and she says right now, yes. But also text msg: "when I think about being with you I still like that thought. I still don't like thinking about not being with you." She stopped saying I love you after we broke up, but she still calls me baby and babe on the phone and in texts.... yet she avoids me! I would like to know what truth to derive from these facts. Are her motives for ending the relationship as pure as she says? Does she really want to be with me again sometime or is she just trying to be nice about backing away? If she does want to be with me, how much "time" am I looking at? Why the hell would anyone who loves someone and wants a future with them suddenly rubber band to wanting that person out of their life but still caring about them?
oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I don't think she's coming back brah. First, you did the right thing initially when you caught her in her lies. You stood your ground. You probably held onto that grude a little too long, to be honest, or didn't explain it well to her...I'm not sure. You are right in that if someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. It is very confusing for someone to claim they love you but won't be with you, and for them to say it would hurt them for you to be with someone else. It is unfair, and it is manipulative to do this to someone. She wants to keep you on hold for emotional support and as a fallback. I'm not saying she wants to go out and date other guys; I can't read her mind. But I gaurantee you she wants to flirt, and most importantly, SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU right now. Walk away for you. No contact isn't an option if you have some mutual friends, but go into low contact. Don't contact her. Minimally but politely respond. Accept the fact she is unlikely to come back. In fact, expect her not to. Heal. And if she does come back, tell her you need a day to think about it. Then take 3. Truly decide if you want her. The purpose of NC is for you to heal and move on and if the ex comes back, you can make a fresh decision. It's quite possible she is immature with relationships and her professing feelings, etc is her way of letting you down easy. My ex felt she was sparing my feelings that way. I've been told by a mutual friend it was a bunch of lies, which is what I suspected all along. Your ex gf may be telling you the truth, or she may not feel it will work about between you but would feel too guilty if she were to say that. She's avoiding you? Rubber band yourself. Avoid her. Heal.
loveratud Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Instead she wants to keep you on a string, so she can do whatever she wants and still know you'll be around. I know that gets thrown out a lot here, but it's true, women do that a lot. She's being extremely selfish and deceitful (sounds like deceit is in her nature.) It doesn't matter to her that this hurts you, she needs her "me time." The best advice I can give you is to keep reminding yourself that she's a terrible person. Don't try to reason out her actions. They are inherently unreasonable. Women typically feel that their feelings (whatever they may be at the moment) justify their actions. Men wisely let actions dictate how they feel about things. When men have feelings that seem out of place, we simply tell ourselves that we're being stupid, ignore those feelings, and carry on. Women will turn the whole world upside down based on the same feelings. Anyway, she's not worth your time. Find someone new.
kimberlyk Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I agree with oppath, I don't think she is coming back either. You caught her red handed and now she is playing you to make herself feel better for being put on the spot by you. I think is emotional intelligence is on the lower side of the scale with her. If you logically think about it, do you really think this is someone you can put your 100% trust into for the rest of your life? Let her go and be glad you caught her being untrustworthy...that's your cue to move on, if you get caught up in her web, you could be denying yourself of someone who is so much better for you and will love and honor you the way you need. I can honestly tell you as a female, if I really loved someone, I would NEVER be ok telling them to go be with somone else, any dumbass knows that you might find someone who will treat you better. She has 'toys' on the side and she likes it that-a-way. Do not waste your time, you deserve better! vbmenu_register("postmenu_1119082", true);
oppath Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Instead she wants to keep you on a string, so she can do whatever she wants and still know you'll be around. I know that gets thrown out a lot here, but it's true, women do that a lot. She's being extremely selfish and deceitful (sounds like deceit is in her nature.) It doesn't matter to her that this hurts you, she needs her "me time." The best advice I can give you is to keep reminding yourself that she's a terrible person. Don't try to reason out her actions. They are inherently unreasonable. Women typically feel that their feelings (whatever they may be at the moment) justify their actions. Men wisely let actions dictate how they feel about things. When men have feelings that seem out of place, we simply tell ourselves that we're being stupid, ignore those feelings, and carry on. Women will turn the whole world upside down based on the same feelings. Anyway, she's not worth your time. Find someone new. Agreed. It is very selfish to keep someone on a string. It is selfish not to give someone a clean break. I also agree with the generalization of women, though it is NOT TRUE of all women, just some. We see it a lot on LS because it hurts when people act that way. My mutual friend tried reasoning with my ex when he learned my side of the story that she should have been honest with me, that her lying made me more hurt, that everything was going to come back to me because we had mutual friends...she kept repeating "I live my life how I live my life." Whatever she did was justified and she wouldn't dare question her rightousness. I am much more hurt about how things went down than if she were just honest with me, "I know I said things like I'm falling in love with you, that I thought you were the guy I was going to marry, but I'm sorry. I really like you and do care about you but I don't feel we're soulmates." Instead she persisted she did have feelings, if she wanted a relationship it would be with me, and she even asked to be friends with benefits 2 weeks later. It devasted me. I could not understand. Eventually, it comes back that it was all lies. The best thing you can do is accept it is over and conclude that you don't want someone like her, that you want someone who wants you completely. She is not that person. Get it in your head that you deserve someone better than her!
taylor Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Women aren't the only ones who keep their exes on a string. My 26-year-old ex-boyfriend mastered the art of "string dangling." He had me so confused by what he said and what he did (pre- and post- breakup) that I signed on to LS to help me figure out what was going on. Pre-break up: Feelings he expressed: I love you. You are the sweetest girl I've ever met. You fill all the checks on my checklist. You're the kind of girl I want to marry. You'd make a wonderful mother to my children. I can't wait to put a big engagement ring on your finger. I can see us dancing the limbo at our wedding reception. I had one other girlfriend before you but I'm completely over her - no feelings left. Actions: Very attentive and affectionate when together. Went out of his way to please. Showered me with lavish gifts, e-mails, voice mails. BUT, hard to get ahold of, very unavailable and busy. last minute dates, short dates, late night dates. Always had to go, Very busy. Backed out of plans, cancelled plans. Didn't show up at group get-togethers - everyone wondering where he was. Post Break-up: Feelings he expressed: I don't have time for a relationship. Too busy with work. Concerned I might have a new boyfriend. Upset when he sees me with his best friend. Tells me he can't stop thinking about me. Misses me so much it hurts. Tells me "You don't know how you make me feel inside." Calls me but ignores my return calls. Tells me he can't stop driving by my place and looking for my car around town. Tells me to move on, then asks me if he can have my new phone number. Tells me he still wants to be friends. Tells me to date other guys and get over him. Then tells me he doesn't like seeing me with other guys. Approaches me at clubs - friendly and humorous. Then ignores me at clubs (cold - walks right by me like I don't even exist). Keeps tabs on me still - it's been 8 months! Tells me "I'm still not over my first girlfriend. It's going to take me another couple years to get over her." Actions: A month before we broke up he contacted his former girlfriend and for at least 3 months post-breakup he attempted to rekindle their relationship. It didn't work. He also stopped talking to his best friend because he thought his best friend and I were dating (not true). So, guys can be just as confused and mixed up about their feelings as girls. And what they say (feelings) and what they do (actions) can be polar opposites. My ex-boyfriend strung me along for months, both pre- and post-breakup. I was so confused and on such an emotional rollercoaster for so long, I couldn't eat or sleep. And I definitely wasn't thinking straight. My whole head was in a fog for months. But I see clearly now. It took me about 6 months to put the final pieces of the puzzle together. I found out he never got over his other girlfriend and I found out he ran back to her when she came back into town. ANd I found out he strung me along for months while he was trying to win her back. She rejected him again, but he doesn't dare try to come back to me because he knows I will not settle being his "second best." The point I'm trying to make is guys can be just as confused about their feelings as girls and their actions can make just about as much sense as their feelings do (none). Guys aren't as rational, logical and sensible as they think they are - especially when it comes to matters of the heart. And they definitely know just how to string a girl along in the worst kind of way.
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