Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I've read so many sad stories on here about people with similar problems like my own. I figured I'd post whats going on in my lie in hopes that someone can give me some advice. I began dating my one and only girlfriend ever back when I was 17. I am now 22 just for reference. We dated for over 5 years and I begam extremly close to her and her family. We even had plans of getting married and moving in together once I graduated college. Everything was going great between us and last October she was even planning a vacation with me. Then in that same month she decided to go to a concert one night with some friends. Days went by and I hadnt heard from her. I was away at college so I couldnt go to see her. I figured she was busy with work or something. However the days soon turned into a week. Finally I logged onto her myspace page and went into her email. I found out she was seeing a guy in a band. Not only that, but the girl who I thought loved and cared so much about me wrote to her friends tons of horrible things about me that were not at all true. What hurt most is reading how she didnt love me anymore. I finally got a hold of her and confronted her. She said she didnt want to be with me anymore and that she was drunk when she wrote the horrible things about me. She did the classic "its not you its me" bit. A few weeks went by and she called me. She told me she found another guy and how wonderful he was and how in love she was with him. Here is the worst part. In those 5 years I was with her I never slept with her. She told me she wanted to wait until marrige and I respected her. Well, on the phone she tells me that she is now on the pill and plans to sleep with him and that she was so excited too. She even goes into detail about how he told her that hed be gentel with her since she was a virgin. I treated her so good during those 5 years and did anything and everything for her. Then she up and dumps me for this guy whose on drugs, is a high school drop out, and a total loser. I am still very angry and hurt by all of this 5 months later. Dont ask me how the heck I got my ex in the first place. We worked together and I just asked her out one day. However my job now consists of almost all males. The problem is I'm not your typical guy. I have no friends since I moved back home from college. I have always been very very shy. I have never had any friends who were girls. I cannot just walk up to girls in public and strike up a converstation. I am afraid I will always be alone becuase of this. The only good thing I can say about myself is that I'm a pretty good looking guy. However my personality is shy and more introverted so that pretty much destroys any hope of me getting a girl in my opinion. If anyone has any advice I would truely appreciate it. Thank you very much.
Cossette4 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Whoa. I am the female version of you. I dated my one and only boyfriend from 16 to 22. I went away for the summer to NYC...he visited me....two weeks later he calls me on the phone, totally out of the blue, and says we are over. This is shocking to me because even though things weren't the *best* between us during that 5th year, I figured that after 5 years we had built way too much love, respect, and history for the relationship to come to an abrupt halt in such a cowardly and disrespectful way where I felt worthless. Prior to the breakup, he had never treated me disrespectfully in any way, and he always seemed completely devoted to me, so I was literally in shock. So I'm still in NYC for another month, and during this time I'm calling him trying to figure out WTF is going on (I didn't even know about "No Contact" and even if I did, I probably wouldn't have done it anyways because this was like the world turning upside down and I wanted to find out what the deal was), but he refused to answer for 40 days. Then I come home and I hear from our mutual friends that a week after he broke up with me, he began seeing another girl and two weeks later, they are MOVED IN together (We NEVER lived together). But here's the best part---the girl is a high school dropout, she's openly and proudly bisexual, she's not exactly attractive with her butch haircut, and she has a website where she posts naked pictures of herself wrapped in ducttape and bubble wrap and tells people to "rate her body." On those sites, her description of herself is like, "Mmm I really like to go find hot girls at the mall and at strip clubs." Then she details all the tattoos and piercings she has. A little brief history about me (see if you catch the insanity here) : I was my highschool valedictorian, I am a conservative Catholic who also chose not to have sex with my boyfriend during those 5 years, I have long blonde hair, no tattoos and only my ears pierced, and I DON'T have a website where I post naked pictures of myself LOL. So, as you can see, I am absolutely dumbfounded about how my ex can go from a girl like me to a girl like her. And although he didn't contact me to tell me they were having sex, I am 100% sure they are (I'm guessing from her character she's QUITE experienced, and they moved in together so...). So like you, this profoundly saddens me because our relationship wasn't like that at all. So yeah, I am totally in the same boat as you, and I've been there for the past 8 months. It still makes NO SENSE to me, so try not to analyze it because, like me, you'll get no where. Just keep posting. You should make a screen name, too. Your posts show up right away.
Mustang1984 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Wow Cossette4 you definitly are the female version of me. I am very sorry to hear about what happned to you. I know how painful that must be for you. Our relationship was exactly how you described yours. We were extremly close and she always treated me very well. Nothing seemed to be wrong at all. In fact the day before she started cheating on me and left me she told me how much she loved me and how she couldnt wait till I graduated so we could be together. I cannot comprehend either how she could go from a sweet innocent girl one day to a weirdo loser litterally the next day. Your right, I guess we never will understand what went wrong with them. What is for sure, is that the people we once knew died and were replaced by totally diferent and horrible people. You sound like such a great girl who has a lot going for yourself. The fact that your ex would dump you for this high school drop out weirdo slut is terrible. One things for sure. You and me are going someplace in life and they and their new parteners are not. I recently graduated college with high honors and recieved a great job offer in Washington D.C while my ex is still working at Target. I hope everything starts going better for you. Trust me you are a way beter girl than the one he went for and I'm sure he will regrett it someday.
wlminfla Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I'm gonna join in this if you don't mind... Very similiar situation! -Dated the love of my life for almost six years -For the last two years all she could talk about was getting married -I moved to two different cities for her, took up residence with one of her guy friends -As soon as I buy the ring, she dumps me for him -I've completely lost my relationships with our friends and her family (whom I was very close with) -I found out on facebook that they were dating -She swore she would never leave...guess what? -I'm a Christian as well with a good heart...and good looking too (not that that matters) -I poured myself into this relationship and she throws me out like a piece of crap What gets into these people?
Cossette4 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Welcome to our creepily-similar-stories club, wlminfla There's another common thread I'm seeing between all three of our stories that might be of some interest. Both of you brought up the fact that your ex'es seemed really excited about marriage in the recent months/years before your breakup. So did mine... I always said I didn't want to get married until my late 20s, and he knew that since day one, but the last maybe year or two of our relationship, he would say stuff like, "So what would you say if I asked you to marry me right now?" Just kinda joking around and I'd just laugh and be like "Riiiight" and then we'd just laugh it off. And then about a year ago he was like, "Oh Cossette you'll be so proud of me--I thought of the perfect way to ask you to marry me--you will love my idea." (Because we'd watch those tv shows of all the clever ways people ask and I'd be like, "Oh you better think of something sweet...") And then the creepiest of all, when we were in NYC just 2 weeks before the breakup, we were walking down the street and he was like, "You know...we've been so many places together--When we get married, we should have a slideshow of all our trips at our wedding reception." So maybe they were realllllllly looking for that "forever" promise from us and when we acted like "No...not now....not yet...my life is going places right now school/career-wise and I need to focus on that and not just settle down," they became insecure in our relationships and ended up pulling the stunts they did. I know this probably isn't the MAIN issue at work, but their "testing" us with this marriage stuff seems like some last-ditch attempt to see where we stood before they checked out completely.
Mustang1984 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 wlminfla = I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. Sounds like your in the same boat as me and Cossette4. You did the same thing I did. I made tons of sacrafices and career decsions based on my life being with her. Then after a 5 year relationship she dumps me over the phone and never even explains things to me in person. I was 2 months from graduating and we had a long distance realtionship for 4 years. However I flew home on 3 day weekends, holidays, and summer. So I always saw her for at least 6 days a month while in school. I foundout about my ex online as well at about 12am. I nearly threw up an passed out as I read her emails to her freinds. Like you she swore she wanted to be with me and that she would never leave. It seems that both you and me got dragged along unfairly when they already had someone else in mind. I'm lucky I found out on myspace. This stupid and immature ex of mine actually thouyght it would be ok to not tell me till I graduated and came home. Meen while woiuld be out screwing some other guy when we never even had sex. I cant believe your ex did that to you after you moved in with the guy she was going to be dating!!! She has to be mentally ill to do something like that. Cossette4 = Your right I think marrige did play a role. After she dumped me I called her family to say goodbye and thank them for all they did. My coward of an ex was too scared and embarassed to call my family she admitted. Afterall she couldnt even see me to talk about things. Anyway, when I talked to her mom and tol her how I wanted to marry her, her mom told me that they loved me, but that their daughter they felt was way to immature and not ready for marrige. Her mom felt that she was making a huge mistake and told me to give her some time. Her mom told me that maybe the fact that I was graduating and comming back for good scared her. So she dumped a college graduate with a great job and a great degree for a high school dropout loser. It seems your ex has the same amazingly terrible taste that mine does. I kept telling my ex that I didnt have money for a ring, but that as soon as I did I would ask her. Like you she would bring up marrige from time to time. My grandma wrote her a letter telling her how disgusted she was with her. She told her that college students dont have thousands of dollars for a ring and that she never gave me a chance. My ex called me crying telling me how bad and embarssed she felt that my family knew all she did. I was like "oh well" your a stupid slut and I showed them all the emails you wrote to your friends. My family was disgusted with the lies she told about me. In the end I know I'm better of without her as you will be as well. Your ex sounded like he changed from a sweet guy to mr. creepy. You were right to worry about your career first. Why get married when your not financially stable. I've noticed that when people get married too young when they havent established careers or enough money, it generally causes lots of relaionship problems due to all the stress.
LaughMachine Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I feel you man. What a heartbreaking story to hear I can just feel your pain!! Obviously this girl had no real morals to begin with if she was truly going to wait before marriage. As painful as it is she isn't the right girl for you and I know all the helpful advice in the world can alleviate the pain your in... She defiently downgraded in choosing a different partner and in the end she will recieve her emotional consequences. I know It's not good to live for the day when she and this guy breaks up. But It's true. She will be the unhappy one in the end. Right now you have to endure the pain and except that it will feel like this for a while. It's still a little raw I'm sure... After a year and 5 months of being broken up and having not spoken to the ex, it still hurts every now and than. But after time goes by you start having other worries, other friends, and other problems to dwell on instead of your ex. And sooner or later you will find someone who is your match. Honestly as justin timberlake sings, what goes around comes around really truly does go back around:)
Cossette4 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Mustang, sometimes I think our ex'es felt like they didn't have anything going for them independently and they were angry that we did. I think they felt insecure and worried that they were going to be put second next to our school and career goals, and so they just gave up. In my situation, there was a constant stress in the relationship about school/career. I was all about getting the good grades, getting the internships, applying for dream jobs, and he spent 4 years at a 2-year community college and still didn't get his Associates. And the sad thing is, he wasn't dumb--he just didn't care and didn't try. (Which REALLY makes me angry....I'd rather have him be truly dumb than apathetic!) Meanwhile, he just worked a bunch of dead-end jobs and never acted interested in persuing an actual "career" (although around other people, he would attempt to "dress up" his job titles and responsibilities to make them look like a career. He would often refer to himself as a "manager" of whatever place he was working at. And even if that was technically his title, it wasn't the same kind of manager who has a college degree in business). And the thing is, I wasn't looking for a guy to bring home big bucks--I was looking for a guy to be motivated and driven, a guy who can discover his talents and skills and actually use them. Not someone who just dances aimlessly through life with no goals and aspirations. So I ALWAYS tried to get him on track school-wise and career-wise, and I was just met with lies and false promises. Should I really be surprised that he chose to run to an unemployed highschool dropout? I'm sure after YEARS of me nagging at him to get serious about the future, he chose to be with someone who would NEVER push for these kinds of demands. She's a bigger loser than he is! I bet with her, he feels like an almighty king! She probably drools over the fact that he's "a manager" even though it's a total joke title. And she certainly isn't pushing for him to get that Associate's degree... I just hope one day he regrets it big time. Is her not yelling at him about school/career worth losing what he had with me? I hope not. I think LIFE is going to catch up to him and he probably will wish he had listened to me and understood I was only trying to help him help himself. Then he will be left with a skanky dumb girlfriend and no future. And THAT'S what goes around comes around (as Justin Timberlake would say!) <--LaughMachine, the first time I heard this song on the radio I was like OMG YES. Also, LaughMachine, you said you've been going through this for a year and 5 months. What's that been like? I'm on 8 months now and it's still top-of-the-mind ALL THE TIME and I'm constantly feeling the need to analyze it, discuss it, cry about it, write about it.... What stage are you at now? How much time does it consume per day? Are you dating again? Also, if you don't mind--what's the story behind your breakup?
LaughMachine Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Mustang, sometimes I think our ex'es felt like they didn't have anything going for them independently and they were angry that we did. I think they felt insecure and worried that they were going to be put second next to our school and career goals, and so they just gave up. In my situation, there was a constant stress in the relationship about school/career. I was all about getting the good grades, getting the internships, applying for dream jobs, and he spent 4 years at a 2-year community college and still didn't get his Associates. And the sad thing is, he wasn't dumb--he just didn't care and didn't try. (Which REALLY makes me angry....I'd rather have him be truly dumb than apathetic!) Meanwhile, he just worked a bunch of dead-end jobs and never acted interested in persuing an actual "career" (although around other people, he would attempt to "dress up" his job titles and responsibilities to make them look like a career. He would often refer to himself as a "manager" of whatever place he was working at. And even if that was technically his title, it wasn't the same kind of manager who has a college degree in business). And the thing is, I wasn't looking for a guy to bring home big bucks--I was looking for a guy to be motivated and driven, a guy who can discover his talents and skills and actually use them. Not someone who just dances aimlessly through life with no goals and aspirations. So I ALWAYS tried to get him on track school-wise and career-wise, and I was just met with lies and false promises. Should I really be surprised that he chose to run to an unemployed highschool dropout? I'm sure after YEARS of me nagging at him to get serious about the future, he chose to be with someone who would NEVER push for these kinds of demands. She's a bigger loser than he is! I bet with her, he feels like an almighty king! She probably drools over the fact that he's "a manager" even though it's a total joke title. And she certainly isn't pushing for him to get that Associate's degree... I just hope one day he regrets it big time. Is her not yelling at him about school/career worth losing what he had with me? I hope not. I think LIFE is going to catch up to him and he probably will wish he had listened to me and understood I was only trying to help him help himself. Then he will be left with a skanky dumb girlfriend and no future. And THAT'S what goes around comes around (as Justin Timberlake would say!) <--LaughMachine, the first time I heard this song on the radio I was like OMG YES. Also, LaughMachine, you said you've been going through this for a year and 5 months. What's that been like? I'm on 8 months now and it's still top-of-the-mind ALL THE TIME and I'm constantly feeling the need to analyze it, discuss it, cry about it, write about it.... What stage are you at now? How much time does it consume per day? Are you dating again? Also, if you don't mind--what's the story behind your breakup? I don't post threads about it anymore, instead I post threads about my anxiety and friendships. I came here in despair, honestly the worst feeling ever having to deal with. And waking up for the next 7 months wasn't to great either. I'm more focused on myself now. I've taken the pain and turned it in to positive energy. I've worked on my self completely. When I first came here I was a totaly different person, some what the same but now I feel painfully happy. Can't explain it! Don't worry too much. There is no say in when you will ever get over your ex but one day you will! I promis you both if you listen to advice and not turn away and do the opposite you will come out stronger than ever. I have those dreams, actually had one last night...but I've become used to them and am thankful for it being a year and 5 months. It's funny how I have never really stopped thinking about my ex, but funny how in some ways I am over it. I still can feel the pain when listening to a song but instead of turning it off, I listen to it now. Guest, it does sound like subcounsily she is downgrading because you have more going for you than she does. So maybe finding someone who is on neither of your ex or your level makes her feel better. !!
wlminfla Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Hey Cossette and Mustang, Cossette, you said it absolutely correctly...when "she" and I were together for the last year or so, I had EVERYTHING going for me...friends, grad school, job, nightlife, etc. She was so depressed because of her work situation and self-induced isolation but I tried so hard to meet her needs as well, even though she really didn't wanna do the fun things with me unless they were with her friends (which I always enjoyed doing stuff with). She was so depressed when I had to go back to Jax for school, and she had it built up in her mind that I was always putting her second. In my mind, I was bettering our future even if I did have to be away for a bit each week. Even though I tried so hard for so long to make her number 1, I could've tried harder over the summer. I think it finally got the best of her, and she bailed at the first chance she had to escape her depression. AHHH! Completely ignoring the fact that I loved her and felt blessed to be with her, and things could have been better and that I wasn't such a bad guy.
Cossette4 Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 We just have to keep thinking on the positive side: 1. We've established there were issues in all of our relationships prior to the breakup that would have been hard to handle in the long run. It seems like we were on a different level than they were, wanting different things from life. 2. Now that we've seen they are capable of being cowardly, selfish, cruel, and insane in how they deal with things when times get hard, we should be thinking, "Hmm..good thing I didn't end up with this person in the long run." Now we have a chance to find people who are even better than our exes, who have life goals that are more compatible with our own, and who won't ever put us through what our exes put us through during the breakup. I think there are a lot of breakup situations on this forum and elsewhere where people glorify their exes and feel like they were the "only one" for them and they will never find happiness ever again with anyone else. I definitely don't feel that way at this point. I think my hurt comes from the betrayal of the way he handled the breakup--it changes the way I will forever see him and that sucks. If it wasn't meant to be between us, fine, but GOD why did it have to end in the worst way ever? But I think once I can cope with that hurt, I'll be okay.
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