confuzed2 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 We've only been married about 5months, we dated for 8months. There was no sex while we dated cuz that was her conviction, to wait till marriage. To say it was hard was an UNDERSTATEMENT!! Fast forward to our wedding night, I was all excited and ready to get some but she said she was too tired. I pouted a little bit but just said ok, it's been a long day, what's one more night, right? So the following day we are kissing, and I ask if she's ready and she gave me a reluctant yes. She just didn't seem into it but I didn't care as it had been almost a yr since I had gotten laid. Of course since it had been while for her, things didn't seem 'to fit' so we had to go extra slow. Certain times it seemed like she was trying to push me off of her,I asked if she was ok, and she responded that she was fine. So when we finish she turns over and starts to cry. I'm thinking GREAT what now. She revealed to me that she was raped a yr before she met me, and didn't want to tell me. She thought she could push it aside and it would all go away, but obviously having sex brought back memories. All this time I'm thinking she was 'saving' herself or something or trying to 're-virginize' herself, but in truth she was just too traumatised to have sex with me. Since then we've only had it bout twice month(3times if I'm lucky), she never initiates, it's always me, but I alwys feel like a jerk afterwards becus I can tell she's not into it. In a way I'm mad. I feel like she should have been honest from the get go. We are newlyweds and can't even enjoy our sex life. Maybe my expectations were set to high, but after going without, and thinking I'd get it just bout every night after marriage, well it's a big let down!
Wantingtogetitright Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 far out she needs to get some trauma counselling, this sort of violation cannot go by without some proper professional help. Please encourage her to get some help, go with her etc etc. She loves you enough to allow love making to happen but imagine the trauma she is suffering because of it. Forget about yourself and your needs for a while and help her get the help she so desperately needs.
Author confuzed2 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Also I'm wondering if I should feel bad having sex with her regardless how she feels. Sometimes I'm sensitive to her feelings and stop. There has been a couple time where I can feel her shaking or crying silently and I just can't continue, even though she tells me it's ok!
Author confuzed2 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 far out she needs to get some trauma counselling, this sort of violation cannot go by without some proper professional help. Please encourage her to get some help, go with her etc etc. She loves you enough to allow love making to happen but imagine the trauma she is suffering because of it. Forget about yourself and your needs for a while and help her get the help she so desperately needs. Thanks. We posted at the same time! I finally talked her into going to a counselor/support group in which she has been going for about a month. She won't let me tell anybody so I just need few places to vent!
Wantingtogetitright Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 let her come to you when she is ready etc etc. Do nice intimate things for her but do not have sex with her unless she ask and is definitely ready etc etc (you will be able to tell this). Give her nice massages, cuddle her lots, talk with her etc. Anything you do now could either help her with dealing with this or completely tip her over. She loves you, she wants to please you but at what cost etc. Go speak to a counsellor yourself, get advice from a professional on how to treat her, handle her etc etc.
Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 If your wife is telling the truth then I agree with the others, she needs to get counselling. However I thought I should raise the possibility that she's lying about this past experience to get out of having sex with you. I know it sounds horrible but I have actually done this in the past (thought it was the only way to avoid hurting the guy involved, making it seem not about HIM). I also have a few friends who have confessed to making similiar things up as an excuse to get out of having to sleep with their boyfriends. It guilt trips the boys out of pressuring you into sex and doesnt make you seem just "frigid". If a girl isn't very sexually experienced sex can seem horrible and scary, and I can understand why she'd lie about something like this. In any case, you should just presume she's telling the truth, but keep your mind open.
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 You've got to work for it~ you've got to build trust, confidence, and re-assurance. She needs counseling ~ and so do you! You need it so you can understand her wants, needs, and fears! And get on the same sheet of music! Its going to take a lot of love, time, and patience.
Poboy Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 well she has gone through something which is rough & traumatic but she did hide this issue from you before getting married which i consider irresponsible on her part. i dont know if she had undergone counselling or will go for one now , its going to be a lengthy and difficult process for her to overcome her mental trauma and get near to being her normal self with you in bed. so it all depends on you know how you want to go ahead with this. you can be the strong husband whose going to beside her every step , accept the fact of what happened and hows its going to affect your life for sometime or maybe a long time and take a chance that she might improve and then you two can lead a good sex life and in all a good married life in the future. OR you think its too big a deal for you and you think it will create more problems in your married life and you dont want to go through this and you felt in a way cheated from this and want out now.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I think I'd be pushing for an annulment. I'm in agreement with Ripples. It's TERRIBLE that your wife was raped ... but she shouldn't have married you without telling you. That's not right. If she can't get this worked out, I don't think YOU should be the one to pay for another man's crimes. It wasn't your fault, and you shouldn't be doing a LIFE SENTENCE for it. Sexual intimacy is an important ingredient in emotional intimacy as it applies to marriage. It's not just about "getting off". It's about showing your partner that you're still passionate about them. And as the years progress, this kind of reassurance becomes even more important. Your best bet is either to annul the marriage now and THEN work on the sexual problems, possibly remarrying later. OR... to give her some time to work it out, and divorce her if she can't. Whatever you do... mind your birth control and don't start a family until this is resolved.
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