Chapter2 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I have repeatedly checked LS to see what contact, if any, xOW have had with their xMM...never did I imagine I would be one of those xOW. I truly thought it was the end of contact due to the measures I had taken to virtually erase myself. Some know my story, some don't. I've been on LS for over a year now...previously under another name. The stronger I became, the more I wanted to shed the previous user name I had because it just didn't fit the person I was becoming and am now. I advocate getting out of any triangular relationship no matter what you have to do to get it done. Short story is typical... Met MM, friends for two years, EA that progressed to PA which progressed to several periods of NC with one huge D-Day in the middle of it all where xMM"s wife threatened to kill my child. She went so far as to say she had the address of my child's school and knew exactly where and when to find her...she had all the phone records, credit cards, letters, everything... even the letters he wrote to me that he drafted and kept. They separated for the third time in their 10 year marriage. They have been in marriage counseling repeatedly and I am very certain that I am in a long list of many other OW in their marriage. She even said so..."you certainly aren't the first and very probably won't be the last". She was aware of over a handful of other encounters with women but passed them off as meaningless one-night-stands. She said this was "different" because she knew he loved me. His letters to me said it all and while he adamantly denied any sexual relationship with me, he did admit loving me. He foolishly thought her knowing we had sex would do more damage than her knowing he loved me. They reunited for the fourth time for the kids, the money, the house, you name it (his stated reasons)... the truth is they reunited because they simply wanted to. He contacted me several times while I was still in the same town. I knew that I had to remove myself physically in order to ever heal emotionally. So, I moved two states away and changed my home and cell number. They are obviously unlisted and we have had NC. I've been in, and continue to be in, individual counseling, group counseling, support groups and have surrounded myself with strong accountability. All these reinforcements have helped me gain health and I'm still on that road. The biggest part of my recovery has been coming to grips with and admitting the fact that the intimacy issues I possess are what led me to get involved in something that was doomed from the start. Fast forward six months since moving away and I'm at a girlfriends house on Sunday night... I'm going back and forth on my cell phone between my daughter and my strongest accountability friend...the one that has walked through every mile of this ****e storm with me... I got the umpteenth call while I was on the phone with my friend and thinking it was my daughter, I didn't even check the incoming number...it was him. At first I thought it was a joint call from him and his wife and braced myself...I kept waiting...she wasn't there. I checked the number. He called me from the same cell phone he always had. I had a thousand questions running through my mind at once, mainly, how on earth did he get my new cell number. I admit, I wanted to hear what he had to say to me. In hindsight I wish that I had hung up, not heatedly, but with as much class as when I left to begin with. What he wanted to tell me was that he loved me, that there wasn't an hour that passed that he did not think of me and my daughter and that he missed me terribly. He wanted me to know that there wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't do for me. I listened and listened...asking some questions but mostly just listening. I kept thinking, how can this man be calling me on a Sunday night from his cell phone at home? Has he lost his mind? Apparently things have calmed down and her suspicions are now assuaged enough for him to return to past behavior... He said that he is currently seeing his pastor for help with his marriage, he is towing every line she sets and he has given up most of his free time... He said he would be there until he dies even though he and his wife believe I have stolen a part of him she'll never get back. I guess none of his other OW had anything to do with the health of their marriage either. His main message was this...I love you, I'll never forget you, I think about you night and day, I know we would've been perfect together...but please, go on with your life and I hope you find happiness. Here's the rub...why would you tell a person that moved to another state, changed all their numbers and hadn't talked to you in months to go on with your life? Something just doesn't fit. I think he knows what he's supposed to say to sound noble...go on with your life, be happy, forget about all the dreams and promises we had, but what kills him is that he knows I'M GONE. He will find someone else and he and his wife will do this dance again and again...one of his favorite things to say to her is "love is a choice and trusting is a choice"... she acquiesces every single time. He has never told her the truth about anything and has told me that he does it to "protect" her. She has threatened suicide, taking his kids, you name it. He has learned though and knows fully that she will allow him to stay every single time... he knows he will have to go through a period of penance and remorse and then he goes right back to treating her like she's lower than trash. A friend of mine saw her with him the other day and said the look on her face was that of a woman gloating over what she got to keep... Yep, she got the grand prize. I have dodged a mighty bullet and while I am filled with regret for my own actions, I am also so proud of how hard I've worked to get away from him and never become involved in something like that again. I was one sick sister but am getting stronger every day. I'm worth so much more than all that crap.
Freedom Now Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I find it interesting that he contacted you after ALL THIS TIME. Certainly, you weren't just a fling to him. Obviously, you are still in his blood somewhat. This is the conundrum that I see. A man staying because it is "the right thing to do," versus a man who obviously has feelings for his OW AFTER ALL THIS TIME. Like I have said before, some of these MM are some of the most tortured souls walking this planet. But, too bad, so sad. His loss. I hope he enjoys his dysfunctional life. You are much better off without him.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 You made your preferences clear. You ended the affair and changed all your contact information... and he DISRESPECTED you by tracking you down in spite of knowing that contact with him is unwanted by you. He's on a FISHING EXPEDITION. But he can't push you too hard because he can't be sure you won't bust him out to his wife. You left, and for all he knows you might be angry enough at him to get even. Hence all the "have-a-nice-life" malarkey when you didn't bite the hook.
Freedom Now Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Chapter2's character is such that she would NEVER get even, and he knows it. She has shown true class and dignity throughout this entire past year, since his D day. Her character and dignity have remained unwavering in spite of many difficult, difficult periods in this last year. I don't agree that is his motive at all. I think, rather, he is undoubtedly unhappy in his marriage and is wistful thinking about Chapter2. This is a man who is truly trying to "fix" his marriage, yet is unable to escape the feelings that Chapter2 invokes. IMHO.
Author Chapter2 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Thanks for posting. My xMM knows me very well and has known me for some time. He knows I am not cut from a cloth that seeks revenge and I never have been. So, no, he knows I would never be angry enough to lower myself to that kind of behavior. To get revenge is so counter productive and would only hurt me~~he knows I know that because he's watched me live it. He is fully aware that I'm not angry at him, simply finished. While I may still love him, he fully realizes that I have made the choice to withdraw my love. You made your preferences clear. You ended the affair and changed all your contact information... and he DISRESPECTED you by tracking you down in spite of knowing that contact with him is unwanted by you. He's on a FISHING EXPEDITION. But he can't push you too hard because he can't be sure you won't bust him out to his wife. You left, and for all he knows you might be angry enough at him to get even. Hence all the "have-a-nice-life" malarkey when you didn't bite the hook.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I'm sorry... but I can't see anything "respectful" about breaking a boundary that's been clearly established. IOW, if your boundary was, "This affair is over and I don't want to hear from you again unless you're divorced"... he BLATANTLY crossed it by tracking you down. Now, if your boundary wasn't clear, then that's another matter and perhaps something you might want to clarify for him if/when he contacts you again. Further, if he continues with attempted contact in defiance of your clarified boundary... I think it would be only prudent on your part to leave him a little less confident in the idea that you won't rat him out to his wife.
Author Chapter2 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I believe you're missing the point and I'm really okay with that. I should've added that I also don't threaten when I posted that I don't seek revenge. To me, threatening isn't prudent. My boundaries have been crystal clear through my words and (very obviously) through my actions. There was also no caviat of "unless your divorced"...it was much clearer than that... it was "this is over". The act itself was on impulse...just like an angry wife threatening to kill an innocent child. It seems way too hard for you to believe that he loves me in spite of working very hard on his marriage. I'm okay with that, too. I'm sorry... but I can't see anything "respectful" about breaking a boundary that's been clearly established. IOW, if your boundary was, "This affair is over and I don't want to hear from you again unless you're divorced"... he BLATANTLY crossed it by tracking you down. Now, if your boundary wasn't clear, then that's another matter and perhaps something you might want to clarify for him if/when he contacts you again. Further, if he continues with attempted contact in defiance of your clarified boundary... I think it would be only prudent on your part to leave him a little less confident in the idea that you won't rat him out to his wife.
Freedom Now Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I'm sorry... but I can't see anything "respectful" about breaking a boundary that's been clearly established. IOW, if your boundary was, "This affair is over and I don't want to hear from you again unless you're divorced"... he BLATANTLY crossed it by tracking you down. Now, if your boundary wasn't clear, then that's another matter and perhaps something you might want to clarify for him if/when he contacts you again. Further, if he continues with attempted contact in defiance of your clarified boundary... I think it would be only prudent on your part to leave him a little less confident in the idea that you won't rat him out to his wife. I also find it incredibly disrespectful to his wife to contact Chapter2 while "working" on his marriage. It is his wife, IMHO, that is being disrespected. Surely, she would not appreciate the phone call he made from his cell phone telling Chapter2 that he loves her. A philanderer that is wanting to start up an affair would surely have waited another 12 hours and called from his work phone, wouldn't he? After all, it had been months of NC. Surely, he could have waited a little longer to ensure the safety of his deceit. Surely, a sneaky man who wants to start up an affair again would take the necessary precautions not to get caught. Nope. This was a knee-jerk reaction on his part, I think. Something triggered him and it triggered him enough that he couldn't wait for the safety of his business phone to contact Chapter2. Chapter2 has done nothing to encourage her MM into the affair again, nor for him to leave his wife, for that matter. And he knows this. Her boundaries have been crystal clear. It appears to me that he is struggling to make his marriage work while still being emotionally attached to Chapter2. Not that I feel sorry for him. I don't. He made his choice. He will live in it. But he sure doesn't seem happy about it.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I think the OW did nothing wrong here - but I feel sorry for his wife. She sounds like a really insecure person, and she cannot have much self-esteem when she keeps taking back a man who's always going to be cheating on her. Going back for the children in that drama did not sound like the kids will grow up well... Good for you that you are moving on.
Recommended Posts