I would have sworn to anyone there would be NC again...

[Chapter2]

I have repeatedly checked LS to see what contact, if any, xOW have had with their xMM...never did I imagine I would be one of those xOW. I truly thought it was the end of contact due to the measures I had taken to virtually erase myself.

 

Some know my story, some don't. I've been on LS for over a year now...previously under another name. The stronger I became, the more I wanted to shed the previous user name I had because it just didn't fit the person I was becoming and am now. I advocate getting out of any triangular relationship no matter what you have to do to get it done.

 

Short story is typical...

 

Met MM, friends for two years, EA that progressed to PA which progressed to several periods of NC with one huge D-Day in the middle of it all where xMM"s wife threatened to kill my child. She went so far as to say she had the address of my child's school and knew exactly where and when to find her...she had all the phone records, credit cards, letters, everything... even the letters he wrote to me that he drafted and kept. They separated for the third time in their 10 year marriage. They have been in marriage counseling repeatedly and I am very certain that I am in a long list of many other OW in their marriage. She even said so..."you certainly aren't the first and very probably won't be the last". She was aware of over a handful of other encounters with women but passed them off as meaningless one-night-stands. She said this was "different" because she knew he loved me. His letters to me said it all and while he adamantly denied any sexual relationship with me, he did admit loving me. He foolishly thought her knowing we had sex would do more damage than her knowing he loved me.

 

They reunited for the fourth time for the kids, the money, the house, you name it (his stated reasons)... the truth is they reunited because they simply wanted to. He contacted me several times while I was still in the same town. I knew that I had to remove myself physically in order to ever heal emotionally. So, I moved two states away and changed my home and cell number. They are obviously unlisted and we have had NC. I've been in, and continue to be in, individual counseling, group counseling, support groups and have surrounded myself with strong accountability. All these reinforcements have helped me gain health and I'm still on that road. The biggest part of my recovery has been coming to grips with and admitting the fact that the intimacy issues I possess are what led me to get involved in something that was doomed from the start.

 

Fast forward six months since moving away and I'm at a girlfriends house on Sunday night... I'm going back and forth on my cell phone between my daughter and my strongest accountability friend...the one that has walked through every mile of this ****e storm with me... I got the umpteenth call while I was on the phone with my friend and thinking it was my daughter, I didn't even check the incoming number...it was him. At first I thought it was a joint call from him and his wife and braced myself...I kept waiting...she wasn't there. I checked the number. He called me from the same cell phone he always had. I had a thousand questions running through my mind at once, mainly, how on earth did he get my new cell number.

 

I admit, I wanted to hear what he had to say to me. In hindsight I wish that I had hung up, not heatedly, but with as much class as when I left to begin with. What he wanted to tell me was that he loved me, that there wasn't an hour that passed that he did not think of me and my daughter and that he missed me terribly. He wanted me to know that there wasn't anything in the world he wouldn't do for me.

 

I listened and listened...asking some questions but mostly just listening. I kept thinking, how can this man be calling me on a Sunday night from his cell phone at home? Has he lost his mind? Apparently things have calmed down and her suspicions are now assuaged enough for him to return to past behavior... He said that he is currently seeing his pastor for help with his marriage, he is towing every line she sets and he has given up most of his free time... He said he would be there until he dies even though he and his wife believe I have stolen a part of him she'll never get back. I guess none of his other OW had anything to do with the health of their marriage either.

 

His main message was this...I love you, I'll never forget you, I think about you night and day, I know we would've been perfect together...but please, go on with your life and I hope you find happiness.

 

Here's the rub...why would you tell a person that moved to another state, changed all their numbers and hadn't talked to you in months to go on with your life? Something just doesn't fit.

 

I think he knows what he's supposed to say to sound noble...go on with your life, be happy, forget about all the dreams and promises we had, but what kills him is that he knows I'M GONE.

 

He will find someone else and he and his wife will do this dance again and again...one of his favorite things to say to her is "love is a choice and trusting is a choice"... she acquiesces every single time. He has never told her the truth about anything and has told me that he does it to "protect" her. She has threatened suicide, taking his kids, you name it. He has learned though and knows fully that she will allow him to stay every single time... he knows he will have to go through a period of penance and remorse and then he goes right back to treating her like she's lower than trash. A friend of mine saw her with him the other day and said the look on her face was that of a woman gloating over what she got to keep... Yep, she got the grand prize.

 

I have dodged a mighty bullet and while I am filled with regret for my own actions, I am also so proud of how hard I've worked to get away from him and never become involved in something like that again. I was one sick sister but am getting stronger every day. I'm worth so much more than all that crap.

[Freedom Now]

Ah, the serial cheater.

 

I find it interesting that he has returned to you, the xOW after all this time.

 

Seems awfully risky for him. But, so typical of the confused MM.

 

Mine has done the same thing. After ONE year of not seeing me, he, until I put the final, final nail in the coffin, continued to do the same things to me.

 

We are both better off without him. Yet, still, these MM risk it all AGAIN, by contacting us. Every time they contact, they take a chance that they are going to be caught again.

 

Interesting to say the least. \

 

If I cared enough, they would make an interesting study....

[Chapter2]

It is a risk... one they're arrogant enough to take. It turns my stomach to hear how he's staying for the "right" reasons only to stand witness to the overwhelming disrespect he still has for his wife. I wonder if that phone call would have been okay with her? Right.

 

Ah, the serial cheater.

 

I find it interesting that he has returned to you, the xOW after all this time.

 

Seems awfully risky for him. But, so typical of the confused MM.

 

Mine has done the same thing. After ONE year of not seeing me, he, until I put the final, final nail in the coffin, continued to do the same things to me.

 

We are both better off without him. Yet, still, these MM risk it all AGAIN, by contacting us. Every time they contact, they take a chance that they are going to be caught again.

 

Interesting to say the least. \

 

If I cared enough, they would make an interesting study....

[Freedom Now]

It is a risk... one they're arrogant enough to take. It turns my stomach to hear how he's staying for the "right" reasons only to stand witness to the overwhelming disrespect he still has for his wife. I wonder if that phone call would have been okay with her? Right.

 

Overwhelming disrespect is exactly what he is showing his wife. I am quite certain that she would be less than overjoyed to know that he has called you, the woman who has directly threatened their marriage all that time ago.

 

How in the world can a marriage survive with this kind of disrespect?

 

I say it again: I hope he enjoys his dysfunctional marriage.

 

And as for you: good for you for seeing things as they really are. For you, at least, the "fog" has cleared.

 

[whichwayisup]

His main message was this...I love you, I'll never forget you, I think about you night and day, I know we would've been perfect together...but please, go on with your life and I hope you find happiness.

 

Here's the rub...why would you tell a person that moved to another state, changed all their numbers and hadn't talked to you in months to go on with your life? Something just doesn't fit.

 

HE needed to have last word. Clear HIS conscience. Also, he wanted to feel out the situation, to see if you hated him. Now he can get on with his life...Just sucks that he had to interrupt your life to do that.

 

Forget him, he's a scumbag.

[Chapter2]

Seems if he loved his wife, kids and marriage so much he'd be happy enough to have moved on with his own life. What will be the reasoning should he contact me again?

 

HE needed to have last word. Clear HIS conscience. Also, he wanted to feel out the situation, to see if you hated him. Now he can get on with his life...Just sucks that he had to interrupt your life to do that.

 

Forget him, he's a scumbag.

[BenThereDunThat]

C2 - You ROCK! Even though I don't know you, I am so proud of everything you have done, and continue to do.

 

How sad that he will never gain any inner enlightment, personal strength, all the things you have worked so hard for.

 

How absolutely creepy that he got your cell phone #. Even creepier to give you the "go-ahead" to get on with your life. How nice and noble of him, as you said. Gee....thanks!

 

The arrogance of these men never ceases to amaze me.

 

Anyway, just wanted to give you an 'atta girl.'

[Chapter2]

Thank you BTDT:) ...Its been really hard but the alternative was just too painful an option for me. I could NEVER have gotten through this without accountability. I literally would have crumbled.

 

C2 - You ROCK! Even though I don't know you, I am so proud of everything you have done, and continue to do.

 

How sad that he will never gain any inner enlightment, personal strength, all the things you have worked so hard for.

 

How absolutely creepy that he got your cell phone #. Even creepier to give you the "go-ahead" to get on with your life. How nice and noble of him, as you said. Gee....thanks!

 

The arrogance of these men never ceases to amaze me.

 

Anyway, just wanted to give you an 'atta girl.'

[Freedom Now]

Agreed with everyone else.

 

He is a scumbag.

 

And stupid. Wonder what's gonna happen when she gets the cell phone bill.

 

Hope he can explain WHY he called you with no prior contact from you. It's not like he can say that you were harrassing him so he called you to tell you to leave him alone.

 

I'd like to see him get out of this one....

 

[Chapter2]

That will be interesting. I will respect her if she contacts me again but I will no longer sit on the truth if he has continued to lie. My prayer for both she and I is that she will not call...that she will know the person that stole something from her is standing right next to her...not two states away from her.

 

Agreed with everyone else.

 

He is a scumbag.

 

And stupid. Wonder what's gonna happen when she gets the cell phone bill.

 

Hope he can explain WHY he called you with no prior contact from you. It's not like he can say that you were harrassing him so he called you to tell you to leave him alone.

 

I'd like to see him get out of this one....

 

[BenThereDunThat]

Accountability takes HUGE strength all by itself. Something I need to work on myself. I've been putting off going into the 'deep end' to try and figure all that out and I applaud anyone who does.

 

Pretty scary stuff!

[Kenzo]

...that she will know the person that stole something from her is standing right next to her...

 

Very very profound...I am using all of the strength I gather from this site to find a way to follow in the footsteps of those before me...walk away, not without regret, but with (some semblance) of dignity and knowing I didn't "steal" something that wasn't there for the taking, but we all make stupid choices in life and I should have been able to resist the temptation.

[Freedom Now]

You can walk away with dignity.

 

Square up your shoulders and walk away with class.

 

It is possible.

[Chapter2]

Don't live in "should've"... You are walking out your humanity. Every single thing you've gone through can be used to lead you to a healthier relationship. I don't want to be with a liar and I know I'm worth more than that...it was the getting away from it that was crucial and it took a long time. I think every step has to hurt so that you'll remember why you don't want to make that choice for yourself again...I don't know. Self condemnation is not the answer in my opinion. Don't allow yourself to beat you up.

 

Very very profound...I am using all of the strength I gather from this site to find a way to follow in the footsteps of those before me...walk away, not without regret, but with (some semblance) of dignity and knowing I didn't "steal" something that wasn't there for the taking, but we all make stupid choices in life and I should have been able to resist the temptation.

[Freedom Now]

Kenzo:

 

The difficulties of life are intended to make you better, not bitter.

 

Take your experiences, grow from them, and become a better person.

 

I never thought that I would recover from the betrayal of my xMM (he lied about being married amongst probably a multitude of other things). Yet, in spite of it all, I left with my dignity intact. The very last words he said to me were of utter respect and incredulousness. And make no mistake: he deserved no grace from me. But I needed FOR MYSELF to exit this situation with grace and class. And I believe I accomplished that.

 

My point is this: having come through the fire, I feel that I am a better, stronger, more vibrant version of myself.

 

Every black cloud does have a silver lining.

 

You must find the silver lining, Kenzo.

 

Peace to you, my friend.

[OldEurope]

He contacted you because he wanted to test the waters, see your reaction, and start up an affair with you once again.

 

You blindsided him by being possibly the only OW in his life to ever take such drastic steps to get away from him, and..."scumbag" that he may be as many have said here, you impressed him....

 

Furthermore, he is comparing such boldness with what he has at home. He has no respect for his wife (and she little self-respect or would not tolerate such a situation for an hour more). He has respect for you, possibly the first woman in his life for whom he has realized such feelings. A woman who is such a force of nature no man forgets.

 

Now, you know the rules: No contact unless he is a thoroughly divorced man. (And of course, assuming you would want him, but methinks you still carry a torch for him).

 

No contact--I repeat--because you will fall back to Square One having come so far, so beautifully. Just stay strong and keep that in mind. Some wonderful (single) guy deserves someone with your strength.

 

xo OE:D

[Freedom Now]

Beautiful, Old Europe.

 

I am Chapter2's accountability partner. And I agree. He completely respects her and thoroughly disrespects his wife. He has shown it in his actions.

 

No doubt in my mind that she is unforgettable in his eyes.

 

She is a wonderful, classy woman; something I remind her of on a daily basis.

 

Will he ever leave his wife? The cards are stacked up against it. And I shudder to give her any hope. This is a man who is thoroughly entrenched in what he thinks is doing "the right thing." And he is quite stubborn.

 

However, he is obviously miserable, hence the contact.

 

Chapter2 is moving on with her life, albeit gently and tentatively. This was no fling. Of this I have no doubt.

 

I, too, believe she deserves a wonderful, single man. She is far too classy to ever be involved in such a heartbreaking triangle again.

 

Chapter2,

 

You are amazing. You are doing terrific.

 

And I am walking through the fire with you.

 

Don't forget it.

 

[woe_is_me]

I was where you're at one month ago Chapter. A call after 4 years of no contact.

 

I hope you're okay .. i've lost over half a stone in weight and i think i've skipped a monthly.. (never has that happened to me and i haven't done anything to cause pregnancy).. i can't believe mere stress has done that to me!!

Hang in there ..he will play you for as long as he can i guess ..or as long as you let him.

I know my frame of mind was fantastic prior to his call out of the blue and i just want to be there again ..he was nothing more than a fond memory and/or could've been dead for all i knew!

I think i've caused a D day of sorts by calling his home phone back 5 days after he called me. He didn't know i had the number. And if the marriage/house/kids are all so important to him still.. then he really wouldn't care would he. Even though he is thinking about me four years later. I'm obviously still not worth being honest about.

I have no idea what's gone on at his end and he isn't letting me know but 'somethings' happened.

I'm just trying to get on with my life again

 

 

Good Luck Chapter.. let them stay in their misery.

[Freedom Now]

WIM -

 

I, too, have backslidden in my recovery when my xMM contacted me on and off this past year. His wife found out about me one year ago last week.

 

I was like you: doing great and then BAM! Back into the muck again after each contact. And we live in different states so there was no physical contact, just phone calls, emails and text messages. But it was just enough to keep the hope alive. Deadly for healing, I realize, but truthful nevertheless.

 

I got to the point where I felt pity for him. Pity for him for not living an authentic life. On one hand, he denied my existance to his wife. Yet, he had a very hard time letting go of me on the other hand.

 

I half expect to hear from him again in a few months, but I am prepared this time. I have finally turned the corner and I see him as someone I don't even LIKE. I have lost all respect for him as a person. You see: my xMM is a man of the "cloth." Yet, he failed to tell me of his marital status when he heavily pursued me, and therefore, took my choices away from me. I would not have even considered continuing a relationship with him had I known. But, he made that decision for me.

 

And when the going got tough, he abandoned me, yet didn't abandon me. He was always "there"....contacting me in spite of his wife's psuedo knowledge of me. Always trying to drag me back into the emotional affair. It was horrible and soul crushing.

 

But it's amazing: since I have emotionally let him go, God has opened up new and exciting opportunities for me. For as new doors open for me, success is leading me forward in my life's journey. So I know I am going in the right direction.

 

I guess this is the path God wanted me to take. And I can breathe easy now. For I am doing what is right for me and my family and more importantly, for God.

 

Funny though: my xMM is a minister. It seems as though he should be saying these words, not me.

 

But no matter.

 

I am free. And I hope for the best for you.

 

Peace to you, my friend.

 

FN

[woe_is_me]

Thanks FN.. i've read some of your posts along the way

 

I was free! And now it's like ..if he left it 4 years to contact me .. is he going to leave it another 4 now? Or is he going to just call at any time.. i should probably get my home phone number changed but i've had it for years! I guess it won't leave his memory though.. i know he wouldn't have it written down anywhere.

I still have a christmas card he gave me from '02 (i gave him one but he of course couldn't take it home and put it on the mantle now could he.. i found it still in my car a couple of days later .. ahh the joys of it) He wrote on mine "Thank you for understanding" I remember laughing to myself and thinking "but i dont".

I'm drawing strength from everyone elses stories and advice and i know that time will heal also.

I've gone from not knowing if he was even alive and fond memories to utter confusion which is leaving me feeling quite drained.. and in a way i hope that he got busted because it puts me out there on the table doesn't it.. now we can ALL suffer.

I wouldnt wish this situation on anyone and i can still remember being told 'don't go there'. It started out as a little no strings attatched fun.

I will NEVER get involved with a MM again. I really don't think a lot of us realised what these feelings for someone u can't have were going to eventually do to us.

[Freedom Now]

Keep on moving forward.

 

Yes, it is devastating to be abandoned. Yes, it hurts like a mother. Yes, it hurts when they contact us.

 

But, from bad can come good.

 

You are wiser and stronger now. And that means something. You have persevered through the darkness and now you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back into the game of life once again.

 

You are a fighter. Don't let this take you down.

 

The best is yet to come for you.

 

Believe it.

[puddleofmud]

Oh, geez: there seems to be a rash of EX-MM contacting their EX's after a long period of time!

I do agree with all who have posted that w/ the end of any type of R or any kind of difficult ending or any challenging situation; that there is a Spiritual path to be embraced.

I will attest that that path is not worth straying...even on days where one is only doing their best to put one foot in front of the other.

Ch2: so glad to hear from you and that you are well as can be considering and that you have such a lovely, kind friend to aid you in your accountabililty.

Stay strong, Sister, as I am certain that every attribute espoused via your accountability parter is of the upmost truth!

[Kenzo]

This thread is so inspiring. I have been reading here for a long time and just recently started posting, but this is the first time I have seen such overwhelming solidarity and support.

 

Freedom Now & Chapter 2: Thank you for your kind words, I take to heart everything said to me here and I feel I may be getting stronger, detaching a little bit. I am hoping soon, despite what heart tells me, I will walking away from this relationship. I sincerly hope that I do not go through what some of you ladies are going through with this unwanted contact, I am not strong enough to resist him and he will absolutely need to stay away in order for me to heal.

 

But I just wanted to say a big thank you to you all, you don't know how much reading this thread has helped me find (a very dim, yet very real) silver lining...almost.

[Freedom Now]

This thread is so inspiring. I have been reading here for a long time and just recently started posting, but this is the first time I have seen such overwhelming solidarity and support.

 

Freedom Now & Chapter 2: Thank you for your kind words, I take to heart everything said to me here and I feel I may be getting stronger, detaching a little bit. I am hoping soon, despite what heart tells me, I will walking away from this relationship. I sincerly hope that I do not go through what some of you ladies are going through with this unwanted contact, I am not strong enough to resist him and he will absolutely need to stay away in order for me to heal.

 

But I just wanted to say a big thank you to you all, you don't know how much reading this thread has helped me find (a very dim, yet very real) silver lining...almost.

 

I can personally say that I know exactly where you are. And it wasn't too terribly long ago that I was there....

 

Believe it or not, you are on the cusp. You are in that horrific spot where you feel that if you stay~you hurt, and if you go~you hurt. It is a tough, tough spot to be in.

 

But know this: there are those of us who have been where you are. We will provide the hope. We are here to shine a beacon of light to guide your path even though all you may see right now is darkness. For we know keenly where you are standing right now. And it is scary.

 

We are here for you. We are your biggest supporters. We understand.

[puddleofmud]

I am glad that you feel support here, Kenzo, and no expects anything from you other than what YOU feel YOU need.

There are many women and men on this forum who are still involved with MM/MW and some are now in exclusive R's with them after the MM/OW have left their marriages, and some have left their R's w/ MM/OW, and some are amazing lovely BS and ALL this is Ok to talk about and to explore because this is what this forum is about: SUPPORT.

So just take care of yourself and know that many of us do care about you and what you need, and even when what you need changes, that's Ok, too!

Hugs to you!