Fun2BMe Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Recently I fell in love with a very charming and handsome man. We started seeing each other nonstop and I dropped everything else in my life, concentrating on him and forgetting about the hurt my ex had caused. It felt like we were destined for each other. Then a couple of weeks later he told me he had been diagnosed with kidney cancer and had already gone through chemo and was doing fine. He looks very healthy and is in his 40s so it went in one ear and out the other after he reassured me he was ok. Last week he showed me a huge lump on his torso, somewhere below his ribs but above his stomach if I am describing those sections correctly. First he said it was a tumor but when I got very frightened and worried, he quickly laughed it off and said it was something like herniated scar tissue and had an extensive explanation of it. I asked him to go to the doctor yesterday but he ended up not going. I asked him again today and he called me this afternoon to say that he had it checked out and it was nothing but scar tissue from a something cavity I can't remember all the medical terms he was using. He joked that if he had six months left I would spend even more time with him, but then changed the subject and always acts like everything is fine. I just did some research on kidney cancer and it says that if it has spread to other locations then the 5 year survival rate is less than 10%. I don't know if he is being honest about his condition or not and in the meantime we have developed very strong feelings for each other. I want to talk to his family members, but he doesn't seem to have any around. I feel confused and not sure how to find out what's going on. If I question him too much, he makes me feel like I'm overreacting and says I'm taking things too far, all in a very nice way, he is just an amazing person. I don't know what to do or think, especially now that I did some online research on that type of cancer. Any thoughts or similar experiences w/ a cancer patient and how to deal with it sensitively but still get some info out of him? He is also on some heavy painkillers, but I don't know if it's recreational or for his condition, which he says is fine.
Aloros Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 If he says he's fine, he's probably fine. He even went to the doctor to have it checked out. Let it be. I don't even see why this should be an issue. Quit worrying and relax for once!
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Fun, take this one SLOWLY. Learn from your past relationships....k.
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 He just seems too good to be true so I am scared if he's dying after I did the research. My recent reaction has been to avoid him, fearing I will face bad news eventually. This afternoon he really wanted to see me having seen the doctor at my insistence but I blew him off and now I feel guilty, he hasn't called tonight. Knowing myself. I think I am beginning to retreat and feel guilty for doing so but it is a protective mechanism. I'm tired of getting hurt and am not fully healed from my last relationship either and now I have to deal with more potential heartache. It's more than I can bear.
whichwayisup Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I think I am beginning to retreat and feel guilty for doing so but it is a protective mechanism. I'm tired of getting hurt and am not fully healed from my last relationship either and now I have to deal with more potential heartache. It's more than I can bear. This is why I told you in your past posts to give yourself time between relationships. Go to therapy, sort stuff out, fix yourself, THEN maybe seek a relationship. FUN, you gotta focus on YOU 100% right now, not him. You don't "need" a man in your life to complete you. You can be happy without a guy for a while...
Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 If you really want to be pessimistic you could think of it this way: we're all in the process of dying. And if you want to be optimistic, take the above and add "so we might as well start LIVING."
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 is this that therapist F2BM? No, not my therapist. Even though I'm in love with and have a crush on him, he is too professional to ever take it there and I wouldn't want to be with a married man. Speaking of which, he (therapist) is older and he had to reschedule me to an earlier appointment because he had a doctor's appointment and I've been worried all week in case it's for something serious. The knowledge that I will eventually lose these men is hurting me a lot, one being old the other surviving cancer. I will be a wreck and am already beginning to feel it coming on.
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 If you really want to be pessimistic you could think of it this way: we're all in the process of dying. And if you want to be optimistic, take the above and add "so we might as well start LIVING." But isn't it those who are already really LIVING to whom the thought and reality of it ending is most difficult for?
alphamale Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Speaking of which, he (therapist) is older and he had to reschedule me to an earlier appointment because he had a doctor's appointment wonderful...your therapist is seeing a shrink
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 wonderful...your therapist is seeing a shrink No it was for medical treatment with a physician he didn't go into with me. I already mentioned in my therapy thread that he sees a therapist to make the point that even if someone is in a good marriage their spouse is not responsible to take on the roll of a therapist to them which in my T's case even his wife is a therapist yet he still sees a 3rd party therapist for himself. I'd love to be a fly on the wall during his session to see what kind of things he talks about, if he has issues or feelings towards his patients and so on! But my new bf is a 'fixer' type of personality. He thinks that if we talk enough, that he can resolve all my issues and I won't have to see a therapist which he views as a handicap to see even though he himself has one.
Walk Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 My first thought when reading your post is that he's lying about the cancer. If he's so gung-ho about talking through everything, then why is he brushing off your desire to talk about his cancer? Wouldn't that be extremely IMPORTANT to understand? In fact, wouldn't this cancer be a serious problem within the relationship? I mean... I don't know about you, but personally, if my bf had a disease that would kill him in less than 5 years, I think that might impact the relationship just a tiny little bit. I'm voting "Red Flag" on this issue. Just my opinion.
Author Fun2BMe Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 It still hasn't sunk in if he has five years left. To be fair to him, I don't think it has to him either. He told me that if the cancer comes back that for all he knows he might have 6 weeks left, but he is a very positive person so he tells him it has gone away, he's chearful so I have the impression everything is ok. But recently when I started to do my own research, it has scared me a lot. I haven't been returning his calls from yesterday, and now this morning he's called three times. I just can't invest so much feelings into someone with the possibility it will be so short term. I am so confused now and my natural instinct is to withdraw to protect myself but at the same time I feel guilty and do miss him.
Poboy Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 has he had surgery ever ? no one takes heavy meds for recreation ... what is he taking . i think you need to enquire more about his current situation especially if he is brushing the talk off ... there might be more to this ( especially the chemo part ... read about chemotherapy in renal carcinoma and you will understand more )
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