Am I nuts?

[sherlock]

I've been lurking a short time and found quite a bit to help me get through a recent breakup. Now I'm trying to figure out if I'm nuts for what I'm trying to do in coping with the breakup.

 

Let me bring you all up to speed. About 2 years ago, I started dating a wonderful girl that I met at work. We fell in love and everything was grand. Because of some medical reasons she was looking at a possibly having surgery that would prohibit her from ever having kids. We really wanted to start a family so we decided we'd try.

 

We were very successful and conceived immediately. We also got engaged and bought a nice old house in the country. Our daughter was born in July, all nice and healthy.

 

In September, I noticed my fiancee was quite unhappy but she wouldn't really share why. Thought it was post-partum. However, after we talked for quite a while, it was apparent that we rushed things too much and I wasn't the guy she thought I was. So in October she called off our engagement. I was crushed.

 

We had lots of discussions and are in agreement to be co-parents and friends to work to raise our daughter with both of us working together. Great.

 

Since my daugher was so young, I want to be there for everything. So we talked and I convinced her to stay at the house part of the week and she spends the other part at her parents. We see and talk daily to focus on our daughter.

 

The problem is it's killing me emotionally. She has started dating another couple of guys. One it looking to be quite serious. I like the guy too. But not being the one in her life when to me she was so perfect is killing me.

 

Am I completely crazy for wanting to see them so much? My daughter is now only 7 months old and is starting to crawl well, starting to try to talk, and I want to be a major part of her life everyday. The problem is I enjoy being friends with my ex but I can tell she doesn't see me the same way. Plus in the emotions of the breakup, I have acted needy and emotional. Never yelling, but definitely being upset and no fun to be around. But I see her in everything at the house. And sitting alone it consumes me. I blame myself for every little thing I did or didn't do and try to understand how I didn't see the signs.

 

Thanks for any wisdom and insight you might have. My head knows we are not going to be a couple, but it is sooooo hard to convince my heart.

[Kelso]

Hey Sherlock, sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time.

 

You're definetly not nuts, thats for sure. In fact your daughter is lucky do have you as a father. I can imagine that it is hard to want to spend every day with her but also have to being around your ex too. It's been five months since my ex broke up with me and it still stings to see a photo of her.

 

Is there any way for you to see her with out you ex being there too? I guess not if she's still breastfeeding. But I guess that's you only solution for your. At least the only one I can come up with.

 

Hope you'll figure something out

[sherlock]

Thanks Kelso! Sometimes I think it is just nice to get some confirmation that you're not making a major doormat out of yourself. I'll definitely figure stuff out as it goes along.

 

I knew when I chose to ask her to stay several nights per week that I would be making the road a very difficult one on myself. But for the sake of being there for my daughter as much as I can, I wanted to try to gut it out.

 

I'm up to having more good days than bad. More good hours than bad. Only taken 4-5 months to get this far.

 

The hardest part for me is my emotions kick in like she's cheating on me or something when I hear about the new bf. But we broke up a while ago and I just struggle to let go and move on.

 

I do see my daughter quite a bit without my ex around. I started a compressed work week so Friday's are daddy/daughter days and I watch her all day while my ex is at work. Plus many evenings when my ex works a 2nd job or goes out with friends (or new bf) I also watch my daughter. But my ex will always come home at night to whereever our daughter is for the night. As she gets a little older, my ex and I have discussed and agreed on nights where I will keep my daughter alone.

 

Bottom line is my ex and I are being good at focussing on what we think is best for our daughter. And trying to be friends.

 

My daughter is also a great mood improver too .... laughter, singing, and playing with her usually gets my focus off of my ex and "what coulda been" and focus on my daughter and moving forward with my life.

 

(I'm in a feeling good about life mood right now. Catch me in a down point and I may write this a bit more pessimistic.)

 

Thanks for listening and sharing!

[Ssheena]

Just in case something happens down the road, have you discussed or have it in writing anywhere, how the custody will continue? If she gets serious with another guy, wants to marry him and take your daughter and go live far away...what then?

 

I think it is awesome that you are so devoted to your daughter and the way you have worked this out for you and her right now, I'm just thinking about what "could" happen down the road. A co-worker of mine x is taking their teenager and moving 3 or 4 states away and there is nothing he can do about it. This is a girl he has seen every week. Can you imagine that happening?

 

Is your name on the birth certificate? What name does the child have?

 

Sorry to play devils advocate here but I don't want you to lose your daughter down the road. The mom doesn't sound like it would be a big loss but your daughter deserves a good dad.

 

Does your x sleep in her own room or are you two together when she stays there?

[sherlock]

Thanks Ssheena. Don't worry about playing 'devil's advocate'. I have been trying to think about those things too.

 

My ex and I have discussed getting some legal documents written up as a safety net for both of us in the event our attitudes towards each other change. I hate lawyers and have drug my feet on following through with this. But we definitely should not let this go undone.

 

My ex moving states away would definitely be a disaster for me. The good news is she appears to be very committed to making me a major part of our daughter's life. It also helps her parents and sister all live nearby too and they are all very close. But I shouldn't rely on it. I agree with you.

 

My name is on the birth certificate. And my daughter has my name. I am providing a roof and bills along with paying portions of the groceries. But I am not formally paying her child support. We (verbally) agreed that while I am providing the roof and bills, etc., my ex would rather me do that and then get things for our daughter myself than just cut her a monthly check. I just hope that it could not be used down the line to say I was negligent in child support some way.

 

When we broke up, my ex moved into the guest bedroom. We have maintained separate rooms/beds ever since when she stays over.