gecko83 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Ok, I'm not sure if I have the right to put pressure on him to file the papers yet. I'm trying to view this situation from his point of view and look at the entire picture before possibly ruining something that seems to be amazing. After all, we've only been together 3 mos. He's in his early 30's and has no kids with the STBXW. I am his first relationship since his separation. The STBXW is currently dating the man she cheated on him with. He's told her, his friends, and some of his family about me. He's in the process of completely renovating a new home so he can sell their house he lives in now. She has already moved out and into her own place for a couple of mos. now. He speaks of "If we got married, If we had children together" He asks me on all my input for renovation to his home. BUT, after all, they have not filed the papers. I've been very understanding and supportive, but honestly, it stresses me out everyday. How long should I be patient before it turns into pathetic or naive. I'm about 9 yrs younger than he is, so must I really put so much pressure on this relationship just yet? He is just as close to perfect as I ever have imagined for myself and I want this to work out like no one can really believe. Any advice on how to handle my situation??
sb129 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Hey, you are in a much better position than alot of women on here. He has told his STBXW about you, and they no longer live together. My guess would be that he needs to get the house sorted so he can sell it before the papers get filed, as it is an asset they both own, and they are both entitled to the profits.
Author gecko83 Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 Yeah, after reading the other messages, I feel that way too. I just want to get to know him further and none of his sisters know about me, neither do his parents, only his brother. He says he hasn't told the "women" in his family b/c if we do end up together, they are all caddy and he doesn't want them to look at me as being there b4 the actual divorce
Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I would not recommend getting involved with ANY man who's divorce is not FINAL.
Author gecko83 Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 Star gazer, obviously that is easy to say. Do you have personal experience on this subject? Or was that just a quick recommendation? I wouldn't be here asking for advice if it was just that easy
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Ok, I'm not sure if I have the right to put pressure on him to file the papers yet. After 3 months, you really don't have a right to pressure him on getting the divorce finalized. It actually would be better for HIM, if his ex asked for the divorce first. Their marriage, separated as such, isn't really your business, so don't worry about it. How long should I be patient before it turns into pathetic or naive. I would say if you are still with him in a year or so, then bring it up - But then again, it all depends on HOW serious you two are as a couple. He's told her, his friends, and some of his family about me. That's good. My suggestion is just take it slowly. Don't look so far ahead into the future, enjoy the time you have with him now. Go from there.
Jinxx Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 It sounds good so far. Just be cautious. Have you asked why no papers have been filed yet?
guin_girl Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Star gazer, obviously that is easy to say. Do you have personal experience on this subject? Or was that just a quick recommendation? I wouldn't be here asking for advice if it was just that easy I have and I should have listened to people on here and got out before I got hurt!! What a roller coaster ride! He thought he was ready to date others and half way through he definitely wasn't. You may want to read my posts to see what I went through... If you choose to try... Keep your heart very guarded and don't rush into anything.
Author gecko83 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Wow, I just signed on to this website today and this helps!! It's like your own little support group. Thanks! I think I'll definitely give it some more time to see what he accomplishes on his own w/o my nagging. I haven't had to ask why the papers haven't been filed... he has volunteered that info. He's tried to call and get the 2 of them to get some things settled, but she seems pretty short w/ her answers
sb129 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I have and I should have listened to people on here and got out before I got hurt!! What a roller coaster ride! He thought he was ready to date others and half way through he definitely wasn't. You may want to read my posts to see what I went through... If you choose to try... Keep your heart very guarded and don't rush into anything. Me too GuinGirl. Gecko83, as much as it may be difficult for you, the divorce isn't any of your business just yet. And bringing it up has the potential to cause friction.
Author gecko83 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Me too GuinGirl. Gecko83, as much as it may be difficult for you, the divorce isn't any of your business just yet. And bringing it up has the potential to cause friction. Well, I'm okay with that then. I'm not ready for friction just yet anyway- it's been too good.
Author gecko83 Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 She still calls him every few days. In "their" house that he currently lives in alone, all pics are gone except one. Why have all the others dissappeared but that one?
guin_girl Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 She still calls him every few days. In "their" house that he currently lives in alone, all pics are gone except one. Why have all the others dissappeared but that one? at least "my" guy hadn't spoken to her in months... everything was through lawyers. And even though he put the pictures away, he pulled out them out a lot... and one time I had to go through the memories too... IMHO, which is definitely jaded... I think it's too soon for him... weekly contact where there are no kids... no need... property claims can be discussed via a lawyer. He needs his time/space to get through this. Even though you think you are playing safe, you will get hurt... trust me I JUST went through this... and I got burned... even though we had a great time together, it was way too soon for him to be dating... I met him 4 months after she left him and the memories were too hard to compete against... it wasn't a happy marriage, but it didn't matter... they had made a commitment to each other in front of God, family and friends... he felt guilt for dating while still married, even though the divorce was already in progress. Didn't speak to her at all... and then when it came to the mediation, threw him for a loop... every form from a lawyer, took him back a couple of steps. Even he didn't realize how badly it would affect him. If I were you, I would step away... people advised me, I didn't listen, you probably won't either, but if you don't want to get hurt, you don't want to go through the divorce with him. There is a book that may help you as well "Surviving my boyfriend's divorce".
Author gecko83 Posted March 16, 2007 Author Posted March 16, 2007 I figure it's going to hurt either way. If I end it and walk away to "save myself" I will hurt- no doubt about it and I'll always wonder if I made a mistake which is almost worse. If he ends it b/c it's too soon, of course it'll hurt. Then I guess I refer back to advice given and realize that I tried, but it still didn't work out. I will be honest about this though: I haven't turned down my single life activities of going out w/ friends. He hasn't become my WHOLE world- just in case, this rel. does end, my social life won't take such a beating. I won't feel like I've lost THAT much.
guin_girl Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I figure it's going to hurt either way. If I end it and walk away to "save myself" I will hurt- no doubt about it and I'll always wonder if I made a mistake which is almost worse. If he ends it b/c it's too soon, of course it'll hurt. Then I guess I refer back to advice given and realize that I tried, but it still didn't work out. I will be honest about this though: I haven't turned down my single life activities of going out w/ friends. He hasn't become my WHOLE world- just in case, this rel. does end, my social life won't take such a beating. I won't feel like I've lost THAT much. You are me... 5 months ago.... I wish you luck... I don't regret I tried... but in retrospect, it was a bad move on both of our parts... Good thing on the "single life" plan... I did that too... so it wasn't as bad, but still hurt like h3ll!!
outofdarkness Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 I would not recommend getting involved with ANY man who's divorce is not FINAL. yeah, that goes ditto for me!
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