Why Best Friends?

[intopieces]

Well, its' been awhile since I've posted but now that I'm nearly healed I though I would give an update. Me and my ex have been split since Thanksgiving and as some of you who may have read my previous post may know, it wasn't the best breakup. I was miserable for so long and he was cold and distant for awhile as though talking to me kind of spooked him. Then he went through the stage of talking about new people he's been dating almost as if we'd never been together.

 

So, I decided to move on with my life and I told him upfront that I could not move on and continue to talk to him at the same time. I told him I just couldnt bear thinking abotu what he did to me and let him pretend that everything is okay and nothing happened. To my surprise, he actually got angr with me and accused me of "throwing away a great friendship" over something small. Ever since that first attempt he went from barely contacting me to calling me everyday and sometimes very late at night. He claims he wants to be my best friend.

 

I mean, I loved him so much that I go for it, and its not as hard as it once was, but it still hurts. It's just so hard though, because we talk and talk and talk and aside from the occassional "You know I still love you and care about you" there's no indication that he even wants me back in his life romantically.

 

My question is..why would someone who hurt you to the point of depression for weeks want to be your best friend and pretend nothing has happened?

[oppath]

To absolve his own guilt! Even him making it your problem when you can't be friends is him trying to absolve his own guilt. It must be your problem, not his!

[intopieces]

Okay, I have trouble understanding how much of his "wanting to be best friends" is genuine and how much of it is just to get rid of guilt. I mean, I can understand him feeling guilty because the way he left me and treated me immediately after was just plain wrong. But talking to him now, everything he says seems so sincere and for all intents and purposes he is a really nice guy. I'm removed enough from the relationship to deal with just being friends but I just get confused when he till professes to love and care about me. I know its not "love" but I just wish he wouldn't say it because it occassionally brings back those old feelings. I'm growing weary of trying to figure out if it's just some form of manipulation or genuine concern. *sigh*

[stace79]

I am in the exact same situation. This guy told me in December we needed to take a break, and then since has decided (beginning of February) that he didn't want to date anyone, but wanted us to stay close and be best friends. He claimed he loved me, and at one point we didn't talk for about a day and a half (I tried to go NC) and he flipped out. He was calling and calling, and finally when we talked he said if he hadn't been able to get hold of me he would have come to my house or my work.

 

He doesn't understand what this does to me. When I see him he wants to hug and cuddle, hold my hand and kiss my forehead and watch movies and make dinner together. But he says those are just "friend" things that are okay to do. I disagree, and most of my friends disagree (guys and girls). I've told him I can't do it...it hurts me too much. I'm still in love with him and he knows this.

 

Anyway yesterday I told him I didn't think I could do this anymore, and he did the same thing: said it was awful that I would throw away such a great connection and friendship. But I told him HE threw it away when he decided not to be with me. I said "Maybe you come across friendships or connections like this every day, but I don't." He asked me several times not to say goodbye to him, and told me he wouldn't let me "get rid of him."

 

But as of yesterday I am officially on NC. I blocked him on AIM, he sent me a text and called and left a VM last night, but I haven't returned his calls.

 

I just know that he will not fulfill my needs. I do not want to be his friend, whether that makes me a bad person or not I don't know. I'm completely heartbroken. I really do feel like I'm losing my best friend. We met during the NCAA b-ball tourney last year and all we talked about was watching this year's games together, and now we won't be doing that. I just moved into a new place and he kept wanting to come see it, and now he won't.

 

I know this is the only way to move on and heal, but I am in so much pain right now I can hardly breathe. I guess my point was that at some time you have to realize that this guy -- your ex -- is either fulfilling your needs or he isn't. And then you have to respond accordingly. If you can't get over him while being "friends," then you have to do what is best for you. Sitting around, acting like his friend and HOPING you will get back together is only going to drag out your pain and unhappiness, and that isn't fair.

 

If your ex and mine want to be best friends to us, they need to realize how much this situation hurts us and give us time and space to get better and move on without them.

[Icantletgo]

I am in the same situation. With a guy for 3 years, he left me to date someone else. Their relationship is not working out now so he is calling me all the time. texting me all the time. I told him to leave me alone and told him never to contact me again.

 

What does he do? 2 days later is he calls to tell me he is outside my house. He is HEARTBROKEN and OBSESSED with this girl but he expects me to be there for him all the time.

 

I didn't answer his phone calls or texts one day finally...and he called me 5 times and text me 3 and then he calls my HOUSE phone and calls my brother to see where i am.

 

I know he doesn't want to be w/ me anymore but he can't let go of me.

 

 

Why are they doing this?

 

I think it's cause they are comforted by our presence, they are use to leaning on us for emotional support..and they don't want to let that go cause they are selfish. I hope you get the strength to say no to him and to finally move on yourself.

[shockandawed]

I think part of it may be absolving guilt, but I really think they are doing nothing more than maintaining a security blanket. They want their freedom to do as they please, but don't want you do have the same freedoms and also want you to be waiting and available if nothing else works out.

 

I have tried to maintain a small amount of contact with my ex-fiance. basically nothing more than a weekly IM. I do care about her and still love her despite how she broke up with me. And I think she still cares for me a great deal. But even with that little of contact, it is very tense and painful for both of us. A few years ago, after my divorce, things were a little tense between my ex-wife and myself. We had little contact. Once we both moved on and got the emotions out of the way, we were able to begin talking again and now we are very close friends.

 

These guys are extremely selfish and trying nothing more than to keep you from moving on. The obsessive behaviour is alarming and indicates people who need to control others. You broke up, it is too painful to maintain this type of relationship. You owe them nothing. Get your life back together, move on and then if you want to explore being friends, great. But take this time for you and you alone. You will never get over them with them hanging around.

[taylor]

Great post, shockandawed.. very true.

 

Just to add my 2 cents...

 

Like many of the posters here, my break-up came as a complete shock. Just 3 days prior to the breakup he talked about putting an engagement ring on my finger and carried on about how much he loved me. He broke up with me in a six minute phone conversation that included the infamous, "Let's be friends" line.

 

Four days after the breakup he left me a voice mail- just chit-chat - ACTING LIKE NOTHING EVEN HAPPENEND: "How are you? Hope you had a good weekend. How was your family get-together? Been really busy with work. Sure is hot, isn't it....?"

 

Two days later, a second voice mail from him: "ARE YOU AVOIDING ME FOR SOME REASON?"

 

I threw up.

 

Did he develop a sudden case of amnesia and forget that he broke up with me? Did he not realize how shocked, hearbroken and devastated I had to be - to go from being his whole world to being thrown away like a piece of garbage in a matter of three days? My own mother asked, "Are you sure he really broke up with you?"

 

What I really think is dumpers first try to do "damage control" after they "drop the bomb." They have to return to the site of the "attack" just to see how much damage they did.

 

Then they have to "pretend" the "damage" wasn't too bad. Otherwise, the guilt would eat them alive. They know your heart has been ripped from your chest. They just don't want to acknowledge that they were the ones responsible for your pain. They convince themselves that it was "no big deal" because that way it's easier for them to deal with what they did to you.

 

For several months after the breakup my ex continued to contact me, telling me he missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me and telling me, "You don't know how you make me feel inside." While he was saying these things to me, messing with my mind, he was quietly trying to to rekindle his relationship with his former girlfriend. It didn't work. She rejected him again.

 

Why did he fill my head with a bunch of nonsense while he was trying to hook back up with his former girlfriend? You got it. I was his backup plan. He had me on the back-burner. He had me dangling on the string. He didn't want to date me, but he didn't want me to get away either. He wanted to make sure I would be available if things didn't work out with her. It's all about manipulation and control.

 

Two months after our breakup (and after his former girlfriend rejected hims) he told me to move on, date other guys and get over him. In the same conversation he asked for my new phone number. And a few weeks later when he saw me out with his best friend he got so upset he stopped talking to his friend and had the nerve to approach me and say, "I know it's none of my business anymore but I don't like seeing you with _______." I told him, "Yes, you're right. It's none of your business."

 

Again, it's like they don't want to date you but they don't want you dating anyone else either. Again, it's all about manipulation and control.

 

It's been 8 months since the breakup and he is still keeping tabs on me. Why? For what purpose? I think he thinks as long as he knows who I am with and what I have been doing, he is still maintaining some semblence of control.

 

I recently broke all ties to him - mutual friends, hangouts - in an effort to give myself a fresh start and to take back total control of my life. It's scary. But it feels good. I think I've turned a big corner.

 

I don't know if your ex's intentions are genuine or not. Maybe he really does want to be friends. Even if he does, can you really handle it? Would it bother you if you saw him with another girl? Would it bother you to have him come to you for dating advice?

 

Have you put the whole notion of a "second chance" out of your mind? If not, you may be setting yourself up for another heartbreak if you try to be just friends.

 

It's hard to be "just friends" if someone is still in your heart. Is he still there?

 

Be aware that "just friends" is commonly used during break-ups and can carry little meaning. Sometimes it's just an easy way to "let you down" - like if they cut the strings -but not completely -it won't hurt so much."

 

Or "just friends" could be just a way of manipulating you into hanging around in the background while they pursue a new love interest. You are their plan B. Is that what you want?

 

I did not stay friends with my ex for several reasons. My feelings for him were too strong to "back them up" and be just friends. I also realized eventually that he was stringing me along, manipulating me into being his plan B. I let him know loud and clear I am no one's Plan B. I deserve better.

 

A little more time and space will help you to see the bigger picture.

[intopieces]

You guys are all right. I don't want to be a plan B. Also, while I have gotten the notion of a "second chance" out of my head, I often wonder what I did wrong and what everyone else he's been dating is doing right. I don't really mind the notion of being friends because he's a very nice and funny guy and the conversation is great. It's just sometimes hard to talk to him without feeling like I miss him, but it is getting easier. If I can't get the feelings out of my heart then I will have to go NC, but it will be very hard.

[Icantletgo]

Going through what you are going through now. You are going to need TREMENDOUS support from friends. Whenever he calls they have to tell you to IGNORE his calls.

 

You will need to be SOOO strong. I wasn't...and I was miserable for MONTHS before i got the strength.

 

It's so hard to look into their eyes to say goodbye. But YOU need to move on!

 

HE was selfish in the relationship but it's time for YOU to be selfish for your own sake!

[intopieces]

Just an update on me and my "friend."

 

So, I was talking to him last night (which I know I shouldnt do) and learned hwo happy he is that he brought his new girlfriend (which is actually an ex, the first woman to ever leave him he claims) a bed for her apartment since she's unemployed and has no money. He claims that this is the one he feels he is going to be with forever and the only person he has ever loved deeply. Anyway, this information really helped me deal with the fact that its over and I have no choiuce but to move on with my life. It's going to be hard, but its been months now and it's finally time to cut my addiction to him and leave.

 

P.S.

 

Since he broke it off with me he's dated at least 7 different women and claimed to be in love with them all. He claims that out of everyone he's dated and left recently, I'm the only one he still remains in faithful contact with. I highly doubt that though, but I hope his new one works out if for no other reason then it will give me no reason to look back.

[oppath]

He's dated 7 different women since Thanksgiving and claims to have loved them all? That's whacked. Kudos to him for dating that many people but he's got issues.