roxxi Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 First of all, I'm new here and very glad I found a place for great information and support. So, I've been seeing this guy for about two months now. He's awesome, but I've been hurt in the past, and he just broke up with his girlfriend of 9 years and so we decided from the start to take things slow. We've gone on a few dates, had great conversation, and I've met his friends and he's met mine so I thought everything was going well, and from what he told me, it was good for him too. We've never had sex, but have made out a few times and done plenty of phone sex. We even talked about meeting up and how we'd like it to be and I was REALLY looking forward to that. About a week ago though, he pulled a disappearing act. We usually talk everyday day if not a couple times a day with texting and then poof.. nada. Four days went by with no word so I called him and got his vmail. So I left a little message saying I hope his day's going well and that I'll talk to him later. Still nada after another couple days. So this weekend I call him and left another message saying I hope everything is ok. And to call me if something's up. Still nothing. I miss our conversations. I especially miss our nightly dirty talk as awful as that may be to say. In all honesty, I think he was getting a little freaked out by how close we've gotten especially since he just got out of a relationship. I want things to go back the way they were... It's Tuesday.. over a week since I've heard anything and I'm a little concerned. I really miss talking to him. I definitely don't want to stalk/bug him, but I'd like to call him one more time and try and make things "normal" again even though I have no clue what's happened. I could really use some help and advice...
begood2urself Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Wow. That sounds really tough. I am sorry to hear that. Were there any sings of him pulling away prior to this happening? Does his phone ring and then go to voicemail or just straight to voicemail? It could be that he lost his phone and does not have your phone number to reach you. That has happened to me before. It could also be that something happened to him and he is not reacheable. I think you should call one more time and tell him that you are concerned that you haven't heard from him. Phrase it in that way, just tell him that you would like to hear from him to know that he is ok, because you are getting worried you haven't heard from him in a while. If he does not call you back after that, either something happened to him or he is a jerk and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. Get the facts before you jump into any conclusion. P.S. When you call leave him your phone number on the message.
Author roxxi Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 Thank you so much for your response. I hate feeling so lost. NO clue at all. In fact the last time he called, he said he'd call me during the week to set up a date because he wants to hang with me again soon. So I'm completely puzzled... Ordinarily, I would just walk away because I do have a tendency to give up easily and move on, but in this case I want to give it a real shot. Something definitely happened, and either way I want to do what I can one more time to make it right. He's still a friend romantic interest I have in him or not and I want t o know he's ok. His phone rings and then goes to vmail. Like I said, I don't want to say anything to push him away. I gave him a call this past weekend. When do you think I should call again? I was thinking of wishing him a Happy St. Patrick's Day in a couple days and saying I'm worried about you and I'd like to know that you're ok... Wow. That sounds really tough. I am sorry to hear that. Were there any signs of him pulling away prior to this happening? Does his phone ring and then go to voicemail or just straight to voicemail? It could be that he lost his phone and does not have your phone number to reach you. That has happened to me before. It could also be that something happened to him and he is not reacheable. I think you should call one more time and tell him that you are concerned that you haven't heard from him. Phrase it in that way, just tell him that you would like to hear from him to know that he is ok, because you are getting worried you haven't heard from him in a while. If he does not call you back after that, either something happened to him or he is a jerk and you don't deserve that kind of treatment. Get the facts before you jump into any conclusion. P.S. When you call leave him your phone number on the message.
Bree Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Do you think its possible that he got back together with his ex. Afterall he was with her for 9 yrs.
Author roxxi Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 It's possible although he made her get all her stuff out of his place, bought her share out of his house, and she bought her own place and is supposedly seeing someone else. Frankly, if he did, I would be ok with that if he's happy. I just want to know that he's ok, because it's very much unlike him. We used to talk everyday and silence... Do you think its possible that he got back together with his ex. Afterall he was with her for 9 yrs.
kribby Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Hmm... I wonder... do you know his break up/dating history.... how does he break up with women?? Do you have the contact information for one of his friends? Okay, not to sound harsh (really) but I think he is being wimpy and has changed his mind about dating you. Now this sucks. If I am right-- sorry. I've experienced this before and it REALLY sucks. He seems to be doing the wimpy disappearing act. I can't respect that. The fact is that you have built some sort of relationship and his wimpiness is leaving you wondering if he is freakin' hurt or something. It's completely unacceptable. I'd call a friend of his and ask them if they have heard from him-- because you haven't. I'd even snitch (tell) on him. I'd say something like... uh, I think we broke up--he's done a disappearing act. Oh well. You know the whole <shrug> voice. As if it doesn't matter-- because it truth it doesn't. I mean, if a guy is a wimp-- hey-- Who wants a wimp?
begood2urself Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Like I said, get all the facts straight before you jump to any conclusion! I think you should call him today, so that you are not agonizing for the rest of the week. I think for someone who you talk to everyday, calling him a 2 days after you last left a message is not pushy. I think you should not be so nice and easy-going on your message. I think you should sound more worried than anything. My ex did this to me during an argument we had. It was annoying because she was "punishing me" which I felt was immature and passive aggressive. I called her 2 times and sent her an e-mail and she did not reply to either. I waited a week not hearing from her, then I called and said that I knew she was upset last time we talked, but that not hearing from her was making me worried, and that even if she didn't want to speak to me, to at least text me or write me to let me know that something had not happened to her (like being in the hospital or getting hit by a car on her bike... etc) I heard from her later that day. It worked like a charm. I am not saying your guy is this immature or annoying, but if something is going on, he can't refuse your plea if you honeslty sound worried, no matter if he is a jerk or not.
Author roxxi Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Thanks Kribby. Don't worry, the thought did cross my mind. And maybe you're right...maybe he did just fly the coop... I don't know his dating history (except for the ex-girlfriend) but shortly after we met, we discussed expectations and we were both on the same page. He was coming out of a longterm relationship, I had been hurt in my previous relationship and didn't want to jump into anything either. I remember talking to him about honesty and how however painful or upsetting, I would always prefer that someone be truthful with me. BUT inspite of that, like I said, I have thought about that possibility, but wanted to give him a chance to explain himself. He's 33, and not to say that age makes a difference, I would hope he'd be more mature than that. Chances are that I will run into him again... I would just rather it not be awkward Hmm... I wonder... do you know his break up/dating history.... how does he break up with women?? Do you have the contact information for one of his friends? Okay, not to sound harsh (really) but I think he is being wimpy and has changed his mind about dating you. Now this sucks. If I am right-- sorry. I've experienced this before and it REALLY sucks. He seems to be doing the wimpy disappearing act. I can't respect that. The fact is that you have built some sort of relationship and his wimpiness is leaving you wondering if he is freakin' hurt or something. It's completely unacceptable. I'd call a friend of his and ask them if they have heard from him-- because you haven't. I'd even snitch (tell) on him. I'd say something like... uh, I think we broke up--he's done a disappearing act. Oh well. You know the whole <shrug> voice. As if it doesn't matter-- because it truth it doesn't. I mean, if a guy is a wimp-- hey-- Who wants a wimp?
Art_Critic Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I hate to say this but your title is your answer "His Disappearing Act" This is his way of dealing with " I'm sorry there is not a connection " or " I'm sorry.. I've met someone else " When a guy wants to be with a woman the one thing he doesn't do is ignore her.. I wouldn't call him anymore..and if he calls you in a week or so then you were backburnered for a week or so till it played out with someone else Sorry ...
Author roxxi Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Begood2urself, you were right on the money. I had left him a message after work today saying I was worried and just wanted to know that he was ok. He just called. He apologized and said he was traveling and working "like a fiend" this past week. We caught up for about 20 minutes after that and then said goodnight. It was like we hadn't not talked for a week. I'm VERY relieved that he's alright, but the fact that he didn't even think to respond to my earlier call just to let me know he was ok... Not sure what to think about that.
agnf666 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 A guy will make time for you if he is really into you. So, basicallyl I would go about my own thing for a while and just let this go. Apparently he is doing his own thing and not thinking about anything else or anyone else.
Aloros Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I would agree that if he's really into you, he'll keep you posted. My bf took the time to hunt down internet cafes and write me letters every other day when he was overseas for a few weeks. And that was after less than two weeks of dating! Be wary of the "I was busy" excuse. He would make time for you if he was really into you. I have sat and watched a guy friend give the very same excuse to a girl over the phone, and I know he wasn't that busy. He'd found plenty of time to hang out with me and company. Don't wait around for this guy. You deserve someone who is really into you and will make the time for you. You don't deserve someone who disappears for a week and won't return your calls and emails. Move on. His loss.
Author roxxi Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Thanks guys... You're right. I also think he's got some issues from his past relationship to deal with. They brokeup about a month before we started seeing each other, and in all honesty, I never asked him about her although I think he's bitter. I was wondering about something though. For people who've been in a relationship for that long (9 years + whether married or dating) and living together and then breakup, do they almost have to relearn how to be in a new relationship with a new person when they start dating again? The reason I ask is that sometimes I felt like he had gotten used to not being very communicative about his plans. One time he was MIA on a Saturday. I had no idea where he was and didn't hear from him until Sunday afternoon. He had gone camping with his buddies and was surprised that I was irritated he hadn't mentioned that to me. He made a reference to his ex-girlfriend that she never cared/or asked about what he did, and promised to be better at keeping me in the loop...
Hitman10000 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 He's not into you, simple. I do this to many chicks once I've had enough of them. I stop calling, emailing. I'm not avoiding any conflict, if they call or email me asking where I am after 1-3 weeks. I just simply respond saying "Yeah, we should stop seeing each other" and then hang up. If things don't work out, this is how it goes. No hard feelings.
bridget_jones Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Granted, I would never call if I wasn't getting called at all, but to hang up on them when they do? That is really hurtful behavior, and yet you say 'no hard feelings'? I don't know, how hard is it to see them in person or call them and say 'you know, I'm sorry, but I don't think we should see each other?' instead of leaving them in the lurch? I mean I could see after only a couple dates, you might not call, but after dating and having communication with someone for 2 months, to me it's kind of hurtful and rude, not to mention cowardly, to just 'disappear.' He's not into you, simple. I do this to many chicks once I've had enough of them. I stop calling, emailing. I'm not avoiding any conflict, if they call or email me asking where I am after 1-3 weeks. I just simply respond saying "Yeah, we should stop seeing each other" and then hang up. If things don't work out, this is how it goes. No hard feelings.
Author roxxi Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Yeah Hitman, I don't know how well that strategy will work for you down the line because I think there WILL be hard feelings.
begood2urself Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Roxxi, I don't know what is going on with this guy? I really wish for your sake and wellbeing that he would just be honest with you. Most would say: "don't make a big deal about this" but honestly if you have been talking on the phone EVERY DAY for the past few weeks and then he forgets to call you for week. I am sorry that's wack. You don't have to be dramatic about this, but you should tell him that not making time for you in his "busy" schedule felt kinda ****ty. He could have at least texted you with a "hey, I am not gonna get a chance to talk this week, but I will call you over the weekend. I am working like a dog." It takes no more than 5 minutes. He could have done it during his lunch break at work or before he went to bed. I think something is up and I am glad you realize that it's not about you. Some people never learn how to deal with these situations easily. Hey, I go to group therapy. I am 27 and I am the youngest person there. People twice as old as me are still struggling with this sh*t. So him being 33 may mean nothing.
Hitman10000 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Yeah Hitman, I don't know how well that strategy will work for you down the line because I think there WILL be hard feelings. Sure, whatever. Most women who dump me or vice versa end up quite on a positive note. I'm not the type to make them pay for stuff nor am the type that is abusive. If something doesn't work out, It's like being fired I suppose. Why hang around and talk about it, please leave now.
justagirliegirl Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 this maybe a little different but what about when you don't hear from them for several days to a week and you call them up to see what is up and the response from them is, "it's only been a couple days". The feeling I got was I was being silly for worrying and no it wasn't just a couple days. How do you respond to that?
stillafool Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Definitely move on from this guy. If he wanted you he would make time no matter how busy he is. What is his occupation? The other thing is after 9 years in a relationship maybe he thought you guys were spending too much time together and he wants to date around. That's how I would feel after being tied down for 9 years. Also spring is coming and you know what that does to a single man's fancy.
begood2urself Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Honestly Roxxi, Don't jump to any conclusions about this yet. The only way to really find out is by talking to him. Seriously, just ask him point blank, you don't have to act needy or dramatic or upset, just ask him like you would ask him any other question. Just check in with him and ask him how he is feeling. Sometimes people have a hard time bringing things up. If it was just a one-night stand, and you were making a big deal out of him not calling you, than you would be neurotic. But this does not seem to be the case, however he is feeling about you or about your relationship he should tell you. You have the right to know. Like I said, you don't have to make it all dramatic, just be cool and calm, and if he shows you the door, walk away gracefully.
Author roxxi Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 Definitely move on from this guy. If he wanted you he would make time no matter how busy he is. What is his occupation? The other thing is after 9 years in a relationship maybe he thought you guys were spending too much time together and he wants to date around. That's how I would feel after being tied down for 9 years. Also spring is coming and you know what that does to a single man's fancy. He's a DEA agent so he likely does have legitimate reasons for being busy, and he travels a lot. As far as the dating is concerned, from the start we both decided to take this slow given our histories and just get to know each other. So we're both free to see who we want... My issue in all of this is about him going MIA and not letting me know that he's ok, something I would ask of any friend. I guess I just never realized that something was going on with him before....
Author roxxi Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 Honestly Roxxi, Don't jump to any conclusions about this yet. The only way to really find out is by talking to him. Seriously, just ask him point blank, you don't have to act needy or dramatic or upset, just ask him like you would ask him any other question. Just check in with him and ask him how he is feeling. Sometimes people have a hard time bringing things up. If it was just a one-night stand, and you were making a big deal out of him not calling you, than you would be neurotic. But this does not seem to be the case, however he is feeling about you or about your relationship he should tell you. You have the right to know. Like I said, you don't have to make it all dramatic, just be cool and calm, and if he shows you the door, walk away gracefully. Oh, he DEFINITELY has trouble expressing his feelings. He's always been a tough puzzle to crack when it comes to that. And I'm a big communicator so I have a hard time dealing with that sometimes. I can tell that he still has issues to deal with regarding his past relationship. I know I need to bring it up with him to get him to talk more about it to me but I don't want to be too intrusive and he pushes me away.
guin_girl Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 with your thread title, I thought it was mine that I had started a while ago resurrected... and looky there, it's the first one in the "similar threads" section below where I'm typing. He disappeared too, just stopped calling after 4 months of daily contact. He was newly separated and had many issues, but was always so attentive... anyway, he just stopped calling and emailing overnight. yea I wondered like you (you can see the thread), but in the long run he changed his mind... I guess I still do not know to this day. But I did have a run-in with him a month after contact ended... I didn't stop to speak to him, saw him out of the corner of my eye and kept going... man-o-man, did I get a ticked off voice mail from him... he just could not understand how I didn't stop to talk to him... I would say he's done... if a man really wants to be with you, there isn't anything that would stop him from contacting you... I'm sorry, it sucks to be left hanging and wondering, I know, I'm still trying to figure out what happened!
Recommended Posts