begood2urself Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I have been in a relationship for about 3 months. Everything is good, we get along really well and have a lot of fun together. My feeling for her are starting to grow and all of my stuff is starting to come up to the surface. I have started to open myself up to her. I guess I want her to know all of me, not just the good sides, to let her see if she really will love me for all of it, not just the fun sides. I have started to let her in on some of my issues, and it really scares me. So, I push myself to be vulnerable with her, because it's important for me to express my emotions. It's hard for me, but I do it anyways. It's scary, and crappy and gamble. I say things, I open myself up and she listens BUT, she does not respond at all. She just listents and takes it. She told me in the past she has a hard time talking about serious things. She descirbes it as knot in her stomach that won't let her say anything. d. This is really hard for me to understand, because I would like her to acknowledge my feelings and I guess comfort me to a certain level. So, when I don't hear her say anything, my mind is free to wonder, which usually makes me crazy, cause of course I wonder about the worst possible thoughts that are going through her mind. At the same time I am wondering if this is just one of my insecurites. If I am being needy by asking her to respond to me when I am vulnerable in front of her, or if it actually a need that I have, a need to be acknowledged and need to be seen and to be validated. Can anyone please shed some light on this? Thank you all. btw: I heart loveshack.
kribby Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Hmm... interesting. Really. More info needed. So when you are talking to her about deep stuff she just sits and listens... but doesnt shed any light on issues and such? Well-- are you asking her direct questions? Do you want advice or do you just want to be closer to her? Out of curiosity-- do you think you get closer to a woman by divulging negative personal history? I am not so sure I agree-- I am thinking about it... I think sometimes people place unreasonable burdens on their significant others when they tell them all about the crap that hides in their closet. It is as if... you open the door and are like 'deal with it' 'love me'. A relationship should be about a connection -- not looking for another person to help you 'heal'. There is nothing wrong with sharing but a girlfriend is not a psychiarist.
Author begood2urself Posted March 13, 2007 Author Posted March 13, 2007 Kribby, It's not really like that. I am not sharing to gain some sort of insight. I have a therapist and don't really need that from her. I am not really a downer all the time and I don't like to process and talk about stuff all the time. I guess for me it's more like if I don't say things when I feel them, they eat me up inside. I am not asking her to "deal with things" and "love me." Those things I can do for myself, those are my feelings and I own them. I think you may have gotten the point wrong. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute, say you are feeling kinda crazy about your life, or feelings about relationships are starting to come up for you in this current relationship, and being with this person can sometimes trigger you. If you are pretty much happy all the time (like me) than it's very noticible when you have a long face. So I begin to open up about somethings in my life that may not be easy for me. I push myself to do it because I think it's important and necessary to express myself. So say you express yourself to someone you love and then they say nothing. I am not asking for a free therapy session or advice from her. I am just asking for some acknowledgment. Maybe an "It's ok" or a kind remark. My question is: Is wanting a kind remark a need for me in a relationship? or is it an insecurity and thus I should express myself freely without necessarily having to hear anything back. I guess when you put yourself in a vulnerable position (emotinally unsafe) it would be nice if someone could at least talk to you about it. Is that wrong of me to want?
kribby Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 hmmm let me think about this... I'll get back to you.
nicki Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I know exactly what you are talking about. I had a boyfriend that never responded to anything personal that I shared....and I KNEW that I had to share feelings/thoughts in my relationship with him because I needed to learn how to do that. I used to be very closed off and tight lipped about how I felt. When something was wrong or I was upset, I didn't show it. It was a bad way to live and I had a big problem with intimacy because of it. So, after a divorce from an abusive guy, I took a chance and entered into a new relationship....and shared deep personal things with the guy. When something in the relationship triggered my fear, I shared it with him...and got nothing back....only silence. What I learned was that I had to tell him exactly what I needed from him and why. I requested that he ask me a few follow up questions, or say "Tell me more." If I wanted reassurance, I asked for it. And I had to learn what to share and what not to share. While I was learning how to be more open, I tended to talk too much and overshare. Now I start out with a general statement like "I had a hard day today," and he knows to ask a follow up question.... Or, if I'm upset with something he did. I tell him that I'm bothered by something he said or did....then he asks me about it. It's a skill, really. She probably doesn't know what you need from her. So tell her. My boyfriend told me his ex yelled at him no matter what he ever said when she was upset, so he learned to be silent in order to defuse the situation. He learned I was different and needed something different from him. Anyway, just thoughts. Your intention to be open and share intimacies with her is a good impulse. Tell her it makes you feel closer to her, and just make sure you keep it balanced so you aren't always talking about problems or negative things... And, always end such conversations on a positive note, like talking about something else...and then thank her for being such a loving, hot girlfriend. (Positive reinforcement so she'll listen next time.)
Hitman10000 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Oh man, you just made a mistake. Big f*cking mistake bro. You spilled your guts/life/emotions to a chick. I don't give a crap if she's your wife or your girlfriend. You don't do it. She's probably not saying anything because in her mind, she is marking you down for friendszone. I'm putting $100 down right now that you will be dumped in about a month or two. Re-read this post again and learn when that happens. ANOTHER thing... take women advice in regards to romance with a miniscule grain of salt.
Walk Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 My question is: Is wanting a kind remark a need for me in a relationship? or is it an insecurity and thus I should express myself freely without necessarily having to hear anything back. I think it's a need to feel accepted by our partners when we feel we're vulnerable. I don't think you're out of line for asking for a response from her. But like Nicki suggested, she probably doesn't have a the skills to know how to respond to what you're telling her. Contrary to popular belief, we aren't all born with the great ability to know what to say in heavy situations. I guess when you put yourself in a vulnerable position (emotinally unsafe) it would be nice if someone could at least talk to you about it. Is that wrong of me to want? I also had a really hard time opening up while in a relationship, still do. It bugs the crap out of my bf at times. He's told me he needs me to be more open about how I'm feeling. Plus it can help to build trust between partners. I know when my bf tells me something that shows his weakness or vulnerability it makes me feel even closer to him. But it's a balance thing. It isn't every day, or even every week. Hitman suggested she'll dump you for showing weakness, but that's not true. You know there's a balance that has to be kept in a relationship. If you need more from her, make sure you're giving more in other areas to offset it. It's when the balance gets skewed that relationships end. My advice... explain to her that you appreciate how well she listens, how great it is that you're able to talk to her about these things. And I'd let her know that she can ask you any questions, that it would help. That if she can't think of anything to ask at the moment, could she at least show physically. Maybe take your hand and hold it. And if she has questions later, then you'd be happy to answer them. Basically, it'd help if she tried to understand you and what you're saying. And I think right now you're feeling like she's... A.) not very interested and B.) judging you secretly. And the longer she stays quiet the more you're head is going to latch onto those two ideas. I don't know if that's something you want to explain to her or not. My question.. Does she share anything deeply personal with you? Anything that shows vulnerability, weakness, that she may feel fear in sharing with you? If not... do you know why? And if she does, then maybe you can relate how you feel to how she feels when she shares.. and discuss how both of you can better meet each others needs. What can you do that would show you are listening and understand her, what she can do...
Author begood2urself Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 Oh man, you just made a mistake. Big f*cking mistake bro. You spilled your guts/life/emotions to a chick. ANOTHER thing... take women advice in regards to romance with a miniscule grain of salt. Wow Hitman! You really are a misogynst. Thanks, your entry reassured me of the kind of man I don't want to be. I really hope you change the ways in which you view women, and that you challenge yourself to see other realities and truths about gender. I am sorry if women have left you in the past because you chose to be yourself, rather than play some stupid game and therefore you feel like you have to play these headgames to keep someone around. Perhaps you should find someone who you don't have to play these games with. Walk, Thank you so much for your sound advice. It is really helpful. Balance is something I am trying to achieve, what do you usually share and not share? how do you differentiate? I guess one explanation for the silence would be that my gf has a hard time communicating. She told me this the moment we started going out (literally.) It's something that she wants to work on. She says a few things like: No, you are not crazy, everyone feels this way sometimes." She is wonderful and has told me that she is just taking everything in. I asked her why she had such a hard time talking and she told me that she was not encouraged to do it as a child, she is closest to her family and she has a hard time talking to them. She has also said things like: "I am not here to judge you" and she is always willing to talk to me about things. Just somehow it does not seem like enough, and that is where I am having a hard time differentiating whether this is an insecurity of mine (like she is secretly judging me) or if I actually need more of a response from her than a sentence. I guess I have a hard time understanding why someone can't articulate, because I have no problem recognizing my feelings. She wrote me a valentine note, telling me that she thought the fact that i knew myself and what I wanted so well, where important characteristics that she wanted in a partner. I just got burned in the past for being myself and I am in fear of doing it again. Balance is something I am trying to achieve, what do you usually share and not share? how do you differentiate?
Walk Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Balance is something I am trying to achieve, what do you usually share and not share? how do you differentiate? I'm not sure if there's much I don't share. But I take my partner into consideration before "sharing" something heavy. Or at least, I try to. I ask how his day went, how he feels, get him a beverage and any other little things that would make him comfy. If he's feeling crappy, had a bad day, or just doesn't seem in a very good mood, then usually I'll hold off until he's had a chance to relax and veg for a while. (usually 2-3 hours is fine). He does the same for me. Which is where the balance comes in. Also.. if you find you're the only one who's doing the talking the majority of the time. Like 9 out of 10 times you're "sharing" and she isn't... then maybe hold off on it, ask her instead if she wants to talk about anything. Ask how her day was, things about her life, etc. Show interest in her. It's when a person stays introverted for too long a period of time that the other person starts to feel taken advantage of. So show her you still see her and care about her by asking questions about her life. I guess one explanation for the silence would be that my gf has a hard time communicating. She told me this the moment we started going out (literally.) It's something that she wants to work on. She says a few things like: No, you are not crazy, everyone feels this way sometimes." I can really relate to what you're gf is saying. Especially when I was younger. I'd try to express myself, and I'd freeze up. I had no idea what was an appropriate response in those situations. Do you have any ideas on what might help you feel more secure with her after you talk? Would it help if she asked questions? Or maybe for her to expound more on how she feels about what you said? Sounds to me like she accepts what you're saying without judging, just isn't expressing herself very well. Otherwise, she would've been pulling away at this point, not writing you valentines day cards about how much she admires you. My suggestion, chalk half of your problem up to your own insecurities and realize she isn't judging you. And brainstorm on some possible alternatives for both of you to try so that you can feel more comfortable after you share. Let her know you just want to try some different alternatives, and could she give you a hand with those. Basically, see if you can't meet her half way on this... don't ask her to do all the work to make you feel completely secure, but do ask her to step forward a little more than she has been. This might help her too. If she has a problem communiating, a little push to try harder in that area might help her grow in that area. Oh, and let her know you aren't going to get upset, or hurt, if she asks questions, or says something. That you don't judge her either. I think you're both feeling under pressure to be "perfect" and you're both reacting to it in individual ways. p.s. You sound like an incredibly "with it" kind of guy. Good head on your shoulders. No wonder she admires you.
Author begood2urself Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 My suggestion, chalk half of your problem up to your own insecurities and realize she isn't judging you. And brainstorm on some possible alternatives for both of you to try so that you can feel more comfortable after you share. Let her know you just want to try some different alternatives, and could she give you a hand with those. Basically, see if you can't meet her half way on this... don't ask her to do all the work to make you feel completely secure, but do ask her to step forward a little more than she has been. This might help her too. If she has a problem communiating, a little push to try harder in that area might help her grow in that area. Walk, Thank you so much, your advice is awesome. I am not asking her to do all the work, I just need a little more and I am beginning to believe that there is nothing wrong with that. I am not asking her to fix, I guess just listen and not judge me. I think you are right, I need to chalk half of my stuff to my insecurites. I think this is perhpas playing out on my self-esteem. Sometimes I don't feel "good enough" for her, so I guess being vulnerable only makes that feeling stronger. Thank you again, you have helped me to see the difference between a healthy level of asking and an unhealthy level of needing. I think asking her for some more words would be ok, cause I am not asking her to fix me. I am working on my stuff. I hope I am on the right path to self-esteem. Once again, thank you. I am not feeling as crazy anymore.
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