How long should I wait to have sex?

[Hipnawtic]

Hello everyone, this is my first post.

 

I know a lot has been written online and otherwise on the topic of how long to wait to have sex, but I'm finding myself in a new dilemma. I recently got out of a 2.5 year relationship in November. Of course, I felt awful and lonely and all the other emotions that go along with a break-up, but I also knew it was for the better, and about a month ago started feeling less emotionally messed-up and more interested in dating. (I had actually had a desire/need to date other people in general for a while w/my ex, and that's actually what led us to breaking-up.)

 

About a month ago a met a younger guy - he's 21 and I'm 25. And we've been dating/hanging out for a bit over a month, usually like 1-2 times/week since early Feb. Anyway, we went on a few traditional dates, have hung out at his place etc. Anyway, it's apparent that we are very attracted to eachother. He's constantly telling me I'm beautiful and stuff like that, but I have some concerns about his age. (should I?) I made sure to ask him what he's looking for early on when I met him, and he made it clear that he wanted a girlfriend. That's kool w/me, but I'm not trying to jump into anything especially since my recent break-up (well, 4 months ago).

 

Anyway, it has recently become very apparent that he wants to have sex w/me because he has tried and even straight-up told me he wants to. Not necessarily in a pushy way, but he's made it clear. So, I'm kind of starting to think that that's basically what he wants is sex, maybe a "relationship" as well, but sex is certainly his #1 concern.)

 

So I went to his place last night, and he had a bottle of wine, which was sweet b/c he said he remembered that I mentioned I like wine. So we drank the wine, and then he went into his bedroom and asked me to come in, and he had like 10 candles lined up on his head board. (We have discussed my "thing" for nice lighting.) It was a sweet romantic gesture in and of itself. Anyway, it was very clear that he wanted me to sleep with him. So, we made-out a bit, and it got to the point where you know, my pants could come off, but I stopped him because the bottom line is, I'm not ready for that. I want more than a physical attraction that leads to sex, I want an emotional, mental and spiritual connection. Maybe some of these other levels of connection only come in time?? after sex??

 

Anyway, he was obviously upset that I wasn't going to give it up, but I explained my feelings and my position clearly. He told me that he was not upset that I was not going to sleep with him, but that he was more just sexually frustrated b/c 1) he hasn't had sex in a while and 2) b/c he's so attracted to me. I mean, I totally understand that guys want and think about sex a lot, especially someone his age, but I'm not ready, and I don't want to feel pressure to have sex w/him. Is it normal for a guy to try to persuade a girl to sleep w/him?

 

He also explained to me that he's questioned whether or not to pursue me anymore b/c I don't seem affectionate enough (that hurt b/c it's not true, I'm very affectionate, and my affection build over time), and he said he "wants to be w/a girl that enjoys sex a lot". Well, I do enjoy it, and I definately want to have sex w/him, but we are not exclusive, at least not officially. I did explain to him that I would only want to have a sexual relationship w/someone that I am in a relationship with. (he had previously expressed to me a desire to see me more, and indicated an interest in being exclusive prior to this night) It actually got to the point where I was very close to just saying, "I guess we just want two different things." and leaving!

 

I know he's going to try as much as he can, right? So how do you handle that, just constantly deny? He also made a reference to definately not being able to possibly fall in love w/me unless we did sleep together. Not sure what to think of that! The bottom line is, I just want to play it safe and feel a real connection w/someone.

 

He made me feel slightly like I had some obligation to sleep w/him as well as a little bit pressured to, and the whole thing about wanting to be with a girl that likes sex often just kind of freaked me out. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree? I really do like him though.

 

What do any of you think of this? Any advice about his age/how long to wait for sex etc? Any other comments on the above would be appreciated, thanks.

[Lauriebell82]

u sound just like me..i dont sleep with guys i'm not in a relationship either. yes guys have gotten pissed off and stopped persuing me because of it. what i have learned (although some guys will think this is total BS) if a guy really cares about u enough he'll wait till UR ready.

 

u maybe should have made it clear earlier that u werent interested in having sex right away. all that aside though, it sounds to me a little like this guy could be more interested in just having sex than actually being with u. what i think u should do is just tell hiim ur sorry if u gave him the wrong idea, but u'd like to keep getting to know him for awhile before sex comes into play. if he stops wanting to go out with u he's a loser and an idiot. generally my rule of thumb is 3-4 weeks after becoming exclusive.

 

i have made a little bit more of an exception, if the just "dating" lasts a little longer. i dated my current bf of 6 months casually for about a month before becoming exlusive then about 2 weeks after that i slept with him for the first time. i think that is usually good enough, after about a month and a half after going out for the first time. usually a guy will not stick around that long if all he is intersted in is having sex.

 

my best advice, is do what u feel is right. nobody can tell u when ur ready, u'll just know. don't give into this guy though, wait until u def. think u are ready. if he cares about u, he'll wait. (there are a lot of other things to do besides sex, by the way!)

[IpAncA]

Anyway, he was obviously upset that I wasn't going to give it up, but I explained my feelings and my position clearly. He told me that he was not upset that I was not going to sleep with him, but that he was more just sexually frustrated b/c 1) he hasn't had sex in a while and 2) b/c he's so attracted to me. I mean, I totally understand that guys want and think about sex a lot, especially someone his age, but I'm not ready, and I don't want to feel pressure to have sex w/him. Is it normal for a guy to try to persuade a girl to sleep w/him?

 

If he knows your stand on sex and STILL keeps on trying to get you in bed with him, he doesn't care what you think. If he cared he would not pressure you like that. What a jerk IMO.

 

He also explained to me that he's questioned whether or not to pursue me anymore b/c I don't seem affectionate enough (that hurt b/c it's not true, I'm very affectionate, and my affection build over time), and he said he "wants to be w/a girl that enjoys sex a lot". Well, I do enjoy it, and I definately want to have sex w/him, but we are not exclusive, at least not officially. I did explain to him that I would only want to have a sexual relationship w/someone that I am in a relationship with. (he had previously expressed to me a desire to see me more, and indicated an interest in being exclusive prior to this night) It actually got to the point where I was very close to just saying, "I guess we just want two different things." and leaving!

 

Again if he knows your feelings on it then he shouldn't pressure you like that. Don't do anything you don't want to do. And your not even exclusive. What makes you think that after he gets you in bed he's going to stick around?

 

I know he's going to try as much as he can, right? So how do you handle that, just constantly deny? He also made a reference to definately not being able to possibly fall in love w/me unless we did sleep together. Not sure what to think of that! The bottom line is, I just want to play it safe and feel a real connection w/someone.

 

NO! Not all guys are like this and what a bunch of BS to say he can't possible fall in love unless you and him had sex. What a crock of sh*t.

 

He made me feel slightly like I had some obligation to sleep w/him as well as a little bit pressured to, and the whole thing about wanting to be with a girl that likes sex often just kind of freaked me out. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree? I really do like him though.

 

You have no obligation whats so ever to sleep with him. He shouldn't be pressuring you like that and if he keeps it up then leave him. Find someone else who will listen and respect you.

[Aloros]

I agree about the pressure. He wouldn't pressure you so much if he really cared. I slept with my bf early on (a week and a half after the first date), but he never pressured me AT ALL. In fact, he was willing to wait several weeks until he got back from overseas.

 

He told me that if a guy is really into a girl, he's not even really thinking about that.

 

He's just feeding you lines. I'd find someone who shows you a little more respect.

[Bree]

You deserve better than him, WAY better. You should definetly leave him alone your both just on two different levels. He needs sex to fall in love with you! Thats a load of **** what about the people who stay virgins till their married? They didn't need sex to fall in love it was just icing on the cake... Good luck

[DanielMadr]

I wont comment on that guys actions....I dont like him either. Immature for dealing with structured girls.

 

But I tell you when it is all right to have sex.

 

When you feel relaxed, horny and secure.

You wont be feeling any of these if your mind is occupied "Does he want sex like #1?" aka "Will he leave after I give it to him?". If he goes on more than 3 dates with you and he wasnt looking only on your boobs while drunk all time (and of corse you dig him) turn off your (i)rational part of brain and trust your gut, you never get 100% assurance he wont dump you. And if he does...so what you liked him and you enjoyed it. Otherwise go the "After marriage" way.

 

"This or that Guy only wants sex" = "I dont believe Im good for anything else" aka Insecurity. Insecurity = your problem so please dont blame men....sure some of us (guys) and probably more then some of you (girls) can have sex without actual high interest in the other participant BUT I assure you there is nothing worse than fall into this pattern of thinking in the terms of LOVE versus SEX.

[bridget_jones]

Three dates isn't enough. I'm like the original poster, I want to REALLY know the person and a strong relationship of trust and love already developed.

If a man isn't willing to develop that with me, and this would take a few months...two or more at least...if he can't wait to fall in love and develop a REAL relationship with me, because he feels sex is so important, his loss. Buh-bye.

 

 

 

 

 

I wont comment on that guys actions....I dont like him either. Immature for dealing with structured girls.

 

But I tell you when it is all right to have sex.

 

When you feel relaxed, horny and secure.

You wont be feeling any of these if your mind is occupied "Does he want sex like #1?" aka "Will he leave after I give it to him?". If he goes on more than 3 dates with you and he wasnt looking only on your boobs while drunk all time (and of corse you dig him) turn off your (i)rational part of brain and trust your gut, you never get 100% assurance he wont dump you. And if he does...so what you liked him and you enjoyed it. Otherwise go the "After marriage" way.

 

"This or that Guy only wants sex" = "I dont believe Im good for anything else" aka Insecurity. Insecurity = your problem so please dont blame men....sure some of us (guys) and probably more then some of you (girls) can have sex without actual high interest in the other participant BUT I assure you there is nothing worse than fall into this pattern of thinking in the terms of LOVE versus SEX.

[PracticalShade]

If he is truly in it for you then he will respect your not wanting to have sex unless you're in a relationship. I don't agree with tests normally but under the circumstances I say you test where his motives lie. You've already told him your feelings about it at the moment so if he pressures you into having sex again before you're ready then that's where you should draw the line.

 

If he's needing sex that bad, then i wonder if that's his top priority. A good significant other, in my opinion, enjoys sex very much but doesn't feel like that HAVE TO HAVE IT.

[Erik]

This guy is feeding you emotionally and you have no intention of ever giving anything back.You just want to bask in his adoration, and if you give it to him, as you well know, that nice, unquestioning adoration will be replaced with something a little more equal and you don't want that.

 

 

Have mercy, please let this poor sod go!

[Hitman10000]

I read your post, he is definetely only interested in sex. It's written all over!

 

1. Brings a wine to get you to lower your defense.

2. Puts candles out to give an illusion of romance.

3. He verbally pressures you for sex.

 

Listen to your gut, dump the man-slut!

[Erik]

If he is truly in it for you then he will respect your not wanting to have sex unless you're in a relationship. I don't agree with tests normally but under the circumstances I say you test where his motives lie. You've already told him your feelings about it at the moment so if he pressures you into having sex again before you're ready then that's where you should draw the line.

 

If he's needing sex that bad, then i wonder if that's his top priority. A good significant other, in my opinion, enjoys sex very much but doesn't feel like that HAVE TO HAVE IT.

 

What utter crap! I can't believe what I read in this thread! She's 25 for heavens sake, not 15!

 

Hipnawtic, give this boy some, it won't kill you. It's the only way to test if he really likes you or are just in it for the sex. And if the latter is the case, he's not exactly committing a crime. If you have already decided he is not for you, set him loose immediately. Whether you know it or not, you are playing mind games with this guy, and the longer you continue, the more you will make him your whining, emasculated slave. Is that what you want from a guy?

[Erik]

Ooohh, wine and candles! Yes, the guy really is an a*hole, isn't he girls? He should heed the creed: candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

[bridget_jones]

Erik, she has made it clear that she wants a real relationship with this guy and she will not have sex with him until she has that. He has not indicated that he sees it as a real relationship to her, has not given her the feeling he is in love with her, he hasn't committed to only her, so why should she "give it up" to him? He should want to develop a loving, caring relationship with her and not pressure her into sex, and his 'I only want a girlfriend who has a lot of sex with me' is way out of line and not an indicator of a loving man, only of one who is pressuring for sex.

Sex is so much better when it's making love, and there is that wonderful emotional bond between the two people. She shouldn't be willing to settle for less than that, and he hasn't been showing real emotional feelings and commitment to her from his behavior.

 

 

What utter crap! I can't believe what I read in this thread! She's 25 for heavens sake, not 15!

 

Hipnawtic, give this boy some, it won't kill you. It's the only way to test if he really likes you or are just in it for the sex. And if the latter is the case, he's not exactly committing a crime. If you have already decided he is not for you, set him loose immediately. Whether you know it or not, you are playing mind games with this guy, and the longer you continue, the more you will make him your whining, emasculated slave. Is that what you want from a guy?

[Island Girl]

if a guy really cares about u enough he'll wait till UR ready.

 

And if he shows his true colors - gets upset - and decides it is an ultimatum then it is GREAT that you didn't sleep with him.

 

Then you can move on to the guy that is going to respect you and care about you that deserves this kind of gesture.

 

It takes time to see if another person is worthy.

[bridget_jones]

he should be guaranteed sex! She doesn't feel the deep emotional connection she desires, it appears he's not giving her any reason to. It's only been a MONTH of them DATING....why is there a rush to jump into bed? I don't understand your reasoning at all, Erik, she is not leading him on by making him wait. She is doing them both a favor by allowing them both to feel genuine, loving feelings of a RELATIONSHIP before being intimate, which is the most awesome intimate experience EVER.

[Erik]

Erik, she has made it clear that she wants a real relationship with this guy and she will not have sex with him until she has that.

 

Well, she won't have a real relationship with him until they have sex. Sex is important to guys, the bed is where they show love. What would you say if a guy told you that yes, he cared very much for you, but he was not ready to share his thoughts with you until you had a real relationship?

[bridget_jones]

Deep feelings develop with a relationship, a relationship doesn't begin with sex. Sex is a byproduct AFTER you've fallen in love, that's why they call it making love. Why is it too much to ask to develop emotional bond and a relationship before they have sex? THEY'VE ONLY BEEN DATING A MONTH. Don't forget that.

 

 

 

Well, she won't have a real relationship with him until they have sex. Sex is important to guys, the bed is where they show love. What would you say if a guy told you that yes, he cared very much for you, but he was not ready to share his thoughts with you until you had a real relationship?

[Island Girl]

It's the only way to test if he really likes you or are just in it for the sex. And if the latter is the case, he's not exactly committing a crime.

 

The only way to "test" him to see if he really likes her or is just in it for sex is to WAIT.

 

It is NOT TORTURE for a guy to wait to have sex.

 

No not a "crime" but one person certainly ends up feeling used. THAT person needs to protect herself from such a situation.

 

If you have already decided he is not for you, set him loose immediately. Whether you know it or not, you are playing mind games with this guy, and the longer you continue, the more you will make him your whining, emasculated slave. Is that what you want from a guy?

 

She has not decided if he is or is not for her.

 

I think they have been seeing each other for a month (?) -- !!!!!!

 

Perhaps you have been in this type of relationship where you are thinking only of sex - and have become a whining emasculated slave.

 

However most men -- at least all the ones I've dated -- do not lose their masculinity because they are not having sex.

 

Do you think there is a direct relation to ejaculation and increased testosterone?

 

I can assure you, there isn't. But feel free to consult a doctor. And while you are at it get in touch with a mental health professional. You may have some sort of fixation disorder.

 

Not being able to date a woman without sex for a month is just pathetic.

[Erik]

Bridget, we are on completely different levels. I'm not saying that sex is something you should "give up" just for the asking, but you shouldn't use it as a test or a reward.

 

The way you are treating this boy is cruel, hipnawtic. I realise you don't see it that way, but it is. So he says some stupid things, but that's because he is in love. You'd say he was in a runt, but with guys the difference is really too small to matter. You won't know if he loves you until you sleep with him, because until then, all you'll see of him is a testoterone-crazed fool that can't wipe his own ass for love. As I said earlier, if sex is completely out of the question, let him go. If you feel sex is so foreign to your relationship, it was not meant to be anyway, but you can't expect a crazy man to see that. You have to take that decision. And not only take the decision, but act it too. If you tell him you care for him but don't want sex with him, he'll never understand. You'll have to refuse to see him.

[Erik]

Not being able to date a woman without sex for a month is just pathetic.

 

Dating a woman for a month and not getting any is pathetic.

[Erik]

All right, sorry about the smartass remark. A bit of disclosure: I'm from Denmark, maybe I see things different. A Danish girl would only date a guy if she intended to sleep with him and most likely ditch him if he had not made his move after two or three dates. Girls are not stigmatised for having sex on their first date, no more than boys are anyway, and neither are girls stigmatised for having one-night stands, it is in fact considered healthy behaviour, except in some fringe religious communities. But girls that date guys but do not give them any, are called ugly names in my part of the woods, and by their sisters too. And for a girl of 25 the OP seems a bit immature and manipulative to me; it's not like she's a virgin. What has she got to lose?

 

My main point would be, that you can't blame this guy for wanting sex. I know girls will never believe this, but sex is a deeply emotional thing for guys. Or rather, being stringed out is, it is humiliation. Like if a guy constantly ridiculed his GF for wanting to talk about feelings, claiming that talking about feelings before marriage was too intrusive and that she was an emotional vampire for wanting it all the time.

 

 

So by dating him, but not "giving" him any, this girl is sending him conflicting signals, driving him nuts. By her words, she says she cares for him, but by her actions she signals ice-cold indifference, she is driving him moonsick. It is a great way to lure a man to the altar, but it's a catastrophe for the subsequent marriage. By denying him sex until he has committed, you are basically committing to a guy you don't know the slightest bit about. You won't really know what's inside a guy until after a few sessions of pillow-talk.

 

Women crave emotional intimacy, men crave physical intimacy. And just to restate the obvious and all-important fact about men: SEX IS AS IMPORTANT TO A MAN AS COMMUNICATION IS TO A WOMAN! Condemn men for that at your own peril: you will never be able to hold on a man that is not an insecure, pussy-whipped boyscout.

 

The whole concept of "giving up" sex speaks volumes. Sex is not something you own and can dole out as reward or withhold as a test or a punishment. Thinking of sex that way will ruin your sex life. Imagine a man withholding his emotions to "test" his girlfriend, or until he felt she "deserved" that he "give them up". Not exactly a recipe for a healthy relationship, is it? If you think of sex as something you give up for concrete reasons, maybe you don't need a boyfriend.

[bridget_jones]

I don't buy that it is custom that women are expected to have sex within three dates with a man to show interest, or it's over. If it is, you have a whack country over there. what's worse is you have no concept of a true emotional bond. When I was 21 I had sex for the first time with a man, we waited 6 months, and he didn't pressure me because he loved me. I have never had a man pressure me for sex, he respected me and wanted to get to know me well, too. Oh, and I wasn't the first woman he had been with intimately.

In this day and age of STDs, also, for women to be expected to show their 'love' to a man with sex soon after you meet them is ridiculous. I'm not jumping into bed with a guy after only 3 dates, even condoms are not enough to ensure prevention of STDs, this man is going to show me recent proof that he is STD free and I will gladly go to my doctor and show him the same. A month to me, it's not long enough to have an emotional bond, I want that, and it's never been a problem with men waiting 2 months or longer, because they respected me and loved the stage of getting to know me first. After having long talks and spending time together truly bonding emotionally, it's really making love then and I'm sorry, apparently you haven't experienced that joy of true love because you just don't get it.

[Erik]

I don't buy that it is custom that women are expected to have sex within three dates with a man to show interest, or it's over. If it is, you have a whack country over there.

 

Well, I've never, NEVER heard a Danish girl talk about sex as something she "gives" away. The idea is filthy, perverse.

 

When I was 21 I had sex for the first time with a man, we waited 6 months, and he didn't pressure me because he loved me. I have never had a man pressure me for sex, he respected me and wanted to get to know me well, too. Oh, and I wasn't the first woman he had been with intimately.

 

So you are happily married today?

[Erik]

"Giving away" sex is whore thinking. Sorry! It implies you should really be paid, but out of stupidity or your good heart you give a "freebie".

[bridget_jones]

I am currently not married but have had happy relationships. I'm so sorry that you haven't felt true love with a woman, it's obvious if you think sex has to be conditional for love.

you ARE giving up sex to a guy if you are not ready to have sex with him....interesting you didn't comment about the STD part. I know of a woman who had sex with a guy using a condom....she got an STD because his testicles had it and she had contact with his testicles which aren't covered by the condom.

It's all a very serious thing, and sex is something which should be taken seriously. Just because you go on a date or two with someone, doesn't mean you have 'eyes' to have sex with him.