Cossette4 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I think I've pinpointed why this breakup has never fully "settled" with me and why it still makes me queasy practically every morning when I open my eyes. I say over and over again that I don't want him back (because I realize we were growing apart and the 5 years had run its course...we changed from who we were at 16 to who we are at 22...) But if I don't want him back, why do I feel so unsettled that this all happened? Answer: I think it's because it wasn't supposed to end *like this*. It was supposed to end where one of us or both of us realized we had grown apart and we admitted it, broke up, retained respect for each other, and moved on. Yeah it would have hurt--it was my first and only love and he had been a part of my life for 5 years--but that would be the only hurt. Instead, he chose to multiply that hurt by 1000 through the cowardly way he broke up and then the fact that he had another girlfriend ready to run to so he could shield himself from suffering or even recognition of my existence. This skanky trailer whore is suddenly a figure in our breakup and she really shouldn't be. Then it screws with my mind and makes me think, "Well wait...so did we break up because he wanted to be with her?" When deep down, I truly believe we broke up for our own reasons and he merely chose to run to her after he came to that realization. But he didn't have to do that--he could have suffered through it alone, just like me, and he didn't have to give me this extra burden of seeing him with someone else immediately, not to mention someone of such low character and trashiness that it makes me sick. The person I was with for 5 years would have never been attracted to the kind of girl he's with now, nor can I believe he treated me the way he did. It's a complete reversal of the character I thought he had and it scares me. If he did it out of desperation, vulnerability, or because he felt down on himself and wanted a quick fix, then I hope and pray he regrets it and tells me so. And this brings me to my point--No, I don't want things back to the way they were before the break up (that is to say, I don't want him back as my boyfriend), but I also DON'T ACCEPT things the way they are now. As much as I try in order to move on, I DON'T ACCEPT the person he is acting like now--it makes no sense, it's scary, and it's killing me. I wish that I could either feel more at peace with things as they are, or I wish that *something* would happen with him so he would stop being the creep he has become. I don't know what that *something* is, either. Even if he did break up with her and contacted me with sorrow and regret, I really don't know if that would be enough for me to even see him as a friend. Is it impossible for me to believe that one day things with him will be at the exact same place they would have been had we broken up respectfully and amicably? (I feel so jealous when I look at my friends who can still see their exes and wave and smile and chitchat and joke around and even call each other or hang out from time to time...After 5 years with this person, I really wanted to be able to have that with him because he was so special to me.)
skper138 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 If there is any chance you could call me please do. e-mail me at [email protected] and i will give you my #. reading what you write is like hearing my self speak. You and i have so much in common. I feel the same way you do about your relationship and how it ended. like i said before, even though we had our issues it wasn't enough to just break up the way he did and move in with someone else right after. My ex is also acting like a person he's not. even his best friend said that he changed so much. He even went as far as to say that he sometimes wished i was never alive. I was looking through my e-mails and found 2 e-mails from october and november were he tells me how much he loves me and how sexy i am. we have to chat ASAP. I think it will help both of us if we communicate and talk about our bad breakups. I am thinking about taking therapy because it's not getting any better.
norajane Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 No, it can't ever be the way your break-up would have been if another woman hadn't been involved. It's too late for that. However, there will be a day where you won't care so much - or at all - anymore. It's only after you get to that point in your heart that you could possibly be friends and be joking and easy with each other. He, of course, would also have to reach that point. Likely, this girl is just a rebound, his exit affair from your relationship, and they'll break up shortly. THEN, he'll be feeling a lot of guilt for what he did and how he ended things with you. But, that's still too soon for either of you try to be friends. Your residual feelings have to dissipate before you can entertain the idea of friendship.
Icantletgo Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 It just hurts when you they promise you forever. they promise you EVERYTHING. And they end up lying and running to someone else. I miss my ex terribly. But he lied the last 6 months of our 3 year relationship. He is now OBSESSSED with this new girl. He says he's NEVER felt this way before and SHE is now his best friend. It hurts cause you still feel the same for them but they were so eager and willing to let everything you had w/ them go. It's painful...and that's why we don't want to accept it. Cause we think of the good. We think of their promises. But they broke them. And that's why we are broken.
Author Cossette4 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Skper, I kinda don't feel comfortable about giving out my # to people online, but I would totally love to talk to you via email or on this forum because we do have verrrrrry similar stories and it would help to rant to each other about them Nora, thanks for the reply. I don't know if I clarified in the above post, but as far as I know, there wasn't any cheating. He just began this relationship within a week of our breakup and then moved in with her a week later. It definitely makes me think, "OMG was he cheating?!" But I don't have any evidence of it to date (and believe me I've interrogated him and everyone who knows him in an attempt to find some). Regardless, you're right. Even if there was no actual cheating, there was obviously another woman involved immediately after (which means he probably planned it while we were still dating). Almost everyone I talk to tells me his new thing has got to be a rebound that won't last. I dunno if you've been following my previous posts, but she is the total opposite of me--she's a highschool dropout and I just graduated college, she's openly bisexual and I'm a conservative Catholic, she's got a website where she posts naked pictures of herself wrapped in duct-tape and bubble wrap and tells people to "rate her body," and I....don't have a website like that..haha..the list goes on and on...All the research on rebounds I've been reading says the rebound person is usually the total opposite, so...yep...got that going for me. Icantletgo, yeah it really sucks. And I really didn't even know if we'd be "forever," because we were growing apart a lot that 5th year, but I thought the RESPECT we had for one another would be FOREVER, and that apparently went out the window the day he broke up with me. My ex is doing the same thing--I was trying to tell him, "Um, look I can't control who you date, but I reaaaaly think you need to slow down with this new girl--she's extremely trashy and you are better than that, and you shouldn't be moving in with ANYONE after 2 weeks of dating...snap out of it!!!!" And his reply was (in a zombie tone), "She makes me happy." Riiiiiight....Ok, Mr. Creepy. Do a Google search on "Stages in a Relationship." You'll find these articles about how 6 months-1 year into a relationship, people are so giddy in love and think everything is just peachy. That's what our ex'es are doing now. They came off of a bad spell in our relationships and jumped into Happy Land in a new relationship--OF COURSE they are going to think it's great. But just wait til the magical sparkles settle and they get to the tough stages where infatuation doesn't do it for ya anymore and true love and compatibility are the things keeping you together. Then we will see how long they last with these *amazing* new women.
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