If you love me, why don't you want to be with me?

[Starlight Starbright]

7 weeks since the breakup and I am still so confused and depressed. I want to call him and scream at him, "If you love me, then why don't you want to be with me?!?!?"

 

He is 27, I am 26. Our relationship was a little less than 2 years long. It was my first ever relationship. We connected on so many different levels. Within 4 months of dating, we were completely in love and said we would be "together forever."

 

The problem was, we both had issues. I, for my part, was pretty depressed and moody a lot of the time. I also had a very low sex drive compared to him. This was mostly due to a low thyroid problem I had all of last year, but I also was a little depressed by the relationship.

 

You see, even though I loved my boyfriend with ALL MY HEART, I knew there was something very wrong with the relationship. He has abandonment issues. His parents got divorced when he was very young and his mom was never in his life. Also, he cheated on his last girlfriend alot. So, he had very serious jealousy/controlling problems. I did not know how to deal with the problems, so to him, it seemed like I was too sensitive or always nagging him.

 

He was constantly questioning whether I loved him as much as he loved me. He admitted he was insecure and could not see why I was with him (I had a higher degree and made more money). ANY time he saw me talking to another guy, he thought I was flirting and would later make a comment. Even if I was asking a guy about video cameras at Best Buy. Or asking the high school kid at Disneyland if they were having fireworks. He even asked on several occasions whether I had a secret crush on his best friend. He didn't like it if I went out to lunch with my male coworkers. He also would make comments about my clothes ("That shirt is so tight."). He would wonder why I would put on makeup to go to work. One time, he knew I was having lunch with coworkers and asked "Is that why you are wearing your tight shirt today?" It was suffocating, especially since I am VERY honest. Almost too honest. So I felt guilty for talking to guys in a friendly manner, not because I thought I was doing something wrong, but because I knew my ex wouldn't like it. It was very depressing.

 

Also, I was definitely a mother figure in the relationship. And for the most part, it was all about him. We did all the things he wanted to do, hung out with his friends. It's like he was too scared to give up sacrifice anything for the relationship.

 

Finally, in October, two major things happened. He moved into a new "bachelor pad" with his single best friend. His friend goes out a lot, and started inviting my boyfriend. Also, I told him that I wanted to dress up and go out to the West Hollywood gay parade for Halloween. He asked "Oh, you want to go slut it up?" I had had enough and broke up with him, only for about 30 minutes. But after that, he changed. He stopped being his usual jealous self, but also . . .

 

For the next 3 months, he stopped inviting me out as much when he would go out with his roommate. Finally in January he dropped the bomb and broke up with me. He says he just wants to be "single." He says even if our relationship was hand crafted by God he would have done the same thing at this point in his life. The thing is, when he was breaking up with me, he was sobbing saying he was still in love with me. Since then, he has told me that he is really sad because he is missing me a lot and still loves me but he has no intentions of getting back together. He says that he felt smothered by the relationship and just got antsy and needed a change. He still loved me, but "his feelings had changed." It's weird, he said that after I broke up with him around Halloween, once he was effectively forced to stop worrying about me, he might have also let go of some of his feelings for me. That makes no sense to me, but I guess, in his messed up head, the feelings of jealousy are mixed up with love somehow. I don't know.

 

Now I am so confused. In one of our conversations, he mentioned that he might have commitment issues. It definitely sounds plausible. He admitted that he never fully let himself relax during the relationship, and he is scared of fully giving himself to any relationship because he is scared of getting hurt. But, he could also just be immature. He is 27 but he was a late bloomer. Plus, he is going back to school in the fall for another 4 years (second bachelors plus law school), so its not like he sees himself settling down anytime soon. Another hurtful comment he made while breaking up is "I feel more confident than ever. I feel like I can get any girl I want." Basically telling me now he feels he can do better. I think this is a sign of his immaturity too. He felt sooo insecure with me throughout our relationship. He thinks he is finally at a point where he is confident and has his life figured out and I think he just wants to drop all of that old baggage, and I am a big part of it.

 

I just don't get it. How can someone love someone and not want to be with them? Everyone says that he is lying, if he really loved me, then he would want to be with me. Last time I talked to him on the phone, he said he couldn't handle seeing me right now. But he just thinks if we stay apart for a few months, it will get better. I don't understand why he is forcing himself to get over me?!!?!?!?!? Is this a class commitmentphobe move? Is he just immature? I am no longer contacting him. I have realized that I will never get an answer from him that makes sense. But I am completely heartbroken.

[JCD]

To me it sounds like you cuddled him in the nest until his friend showed him how to spring his wings and fly and now he wants to explore the world to see greener pastures. In couple of years, once that gets old, he might realize what he lost and be coming back. Then again, he might not. Meanwhile, I were you I would go on with my life and find someone who is over the partying days and wants to settle down and start a serious relationship.

[bchlvr]

SS-

 

I don't think you will get satisfying answers from your ex about why he has chosen not to continue the relationship but still loves you. I wonder if he really knows himself. It doesn't make much sense, does it. However, it seems that you have a lot of insight about him and your relationship that does make sense. You are grieving a significant loss. When the pain is really awful, sometimes we think that we would feel better or more in control if we had more clarity about why the other person did what they did or if we could understand what's behind our ex's ambivalent feelings and actions.

 

As you describe your ex's jealousy, I can't help but think that even though you are heartbroken now, you may have saved yourself a lot of heartache. His jealousy, misinterpretation of events, fears, and need to exert some control over your actions and preferences, are huge red flags. At this point in your relationship, you mention it had become depressing, you felt suffocated, and like you were walking on egg shells.

 

 

Spending time together and with whom was on his terms.

Was there enough mutuality in your relationship? Did you feel free to be the person you are, or were you slowly curtailing being your spontaneous self in order not to upset your ex? If this continued unchecked, where would you be emotionally. And how would this impact your self esteem.

 

You mention that he discussed his fears of abandonment with you. But was he willing to work on that in an open and honest way to preserve the health of your relationship together?

Would he go to counseling with you?

 

Read all you can about serious jealousy, especially on these boards. I think you will find a great deal of validation.

[justagirlforever]

 

He has abandonment issues...

 

He admitted he was insecure and could not see why I was with him...

 

Also, I was definitely a mother figure in the relationship. And for the most part, it was all about him.

 

The thing is, when he was breaking up with me, he was sobbing saying he was still in love with me. Since then, he has told me that he is really sad because he is missing me a lot and still loves me but he has no intentions of getting back together.

 

He says that he felt smothered by the relationship and just got antsy and needed a change. He still loved me, but "his feelings had changed."

 

Is this a class commitmentphobe move? Is he just immature? I am no longer contacting him.

 

I can see so much of what you're going through. In my opinion - and how I interpret what you say - I think it all boils down to him. He has personal issues he hasn't resolved and can't move beyond that. Those things do not resolve overnight. You (one) can't give (love) / commit to a relationships when you don't love yourself completely.

 

You shouldn't feel like you take a motherly role - that's not healthy. It may be what he needs, but not in a romantic relationship. And that's why he's feeling smothered. He probably does love you. But not in a romantic way, but a motherly way.

It's so much "easier" to give love where we are really needed. Someone to help. Make them feel better - make us feel better. I'm not saying that you don't really love him - because it sounds like you do with all your heart. But I'm reading between the lines here. I've (sadly) been there.

 

He probably misses you because he misses someone who cares - that motherly role. That's why he doesn't want to get back with you in a romantic way.

 

A relationship should be balanced and healthy. It should be about both of you. Not mostly about him. You will only end up emotionally frustrated if you were to drag this out and prolong it.

 

Let it go. Give him his space to resolve his issues. But it sounds like you would have long since moved on by then.

 

If it's of any help - my first two threads on LS have similar strains to what you're dealing with in some ways - and were also posted here in the coping section. So they may be of some help to read through.

 

Just remember: be true to yourself

[Starlight Starbright]

Thank you all for your responses. They actually really help. I am having a real tough time with this, even though it's already been 7 weeks. I quit my job 2 weeks ago. I had already planned on quitting but this breakup accelerated the process by about 2 months. Now I am at home, and I feel I'm getting more and more depressed by the day. I think I have a tendency to mope and feel sorry for myself, even though I know its the worst thing to do. I still find myself sobbing every day.

 

Bchlvr: You are so right about the jealousy. Deep down, I do think I am lucky to be out of such an unhealthy relationship. I was constantly resentful towards my ex while we were together. I would beg him to stop being the way he was, tried over and over again to reason with him, but it didn't work. He couldn't control his reactions. I suggested therapy more than once, but he refused.

 

I found that as the relationship progressed, I had slowly given up more and more of myself due to his irrational ways. I was constantly second-guessing everything I wanted to do, and that took the fun out of it all. Example: I once told him over dinner "I think I want to start taking tennis lessons again." His response: "Oh . . .does that mean you're going to have to wear a tennis skirt?" Another example: I was singing along to a pop song on the radio. His response "Why do you always have to sing along to songs about hooking up?" Example three: I told him I wanted to start wearing dresses more often. He sarcastically responded "Great." You can see that even my smallest actions were scrutinized. He was so insecure with himself, that I feel he was threatened by any source of my happiness that was not derived from him.

 

Of course, there was a total double standard where he got to do everything he wanted to do and never thought twice about it. The relationship was definitely not mutual at all. Since this was my first time in a relationship, I let him dictate the terms. I didn't know any better. I did not know how to set my boundaries. He never respected my friends and so we hardly ever hung out with them. Every weekend we would hang out with his same friends. He would rarely ask me what I wanted to do unless the 2 of us were hanging out alone. Otherwise, I was kind of just expected to tag along. I always drove when we went out b/c he drank more than I did. I didn't mind. But . . there was this one incident that I think really says alot. His best friend from back home was visiting. We went to the House of Blues. I drove to the venue, but once we got there his friend asked if I wanted to drink more. He said I shouldnt worry about driving b/c either him or my ex would drive us all to the next bar and my ex agreed. So I drank and actually (gasp) had fun! The funny thing is, somehow, deep down, I knew there would be a problem. When we got in the car, my ex was forced to drive because he was sober. I tried to put my hand on his leg while he was driving, and he snapped at me "Don't touch me." Later, I found out that he was mad b/c I drank when I should have known that, since his best friend was visiting, he (my ex) should have been the one drinking and having fun. This incident really sums up our entire relationship.

 

JustAGirl: I think you may be right about his absence of romantic feelings for me. His love for me was based on his need for me, he didn't know how to love me in any other way. I took care of him. Especially when we first started dating, he was so lost and depressed. I supported him emotionally until he got out of that hole he was in and had his life figured out. I was even a financial safety net - I told him that if he couldnt go back to school and work at the same time, I would pay for his rent. I took him to Europe and payed for the whole trip. He said it was the best time of his life. However, by October, he had gotten a substantial raise and so he was much more comfortable financially, he had applied to UC Irvine to get a second bachelor's degree and was lookng forward to it, and he had moved into this really nice house in the Hollywood Hills. He didn't need me anymore. For my part, I think that my romantic feelings towards him had started to fade as well. I sensed that he was not capable of being there for me as a loving, nurturing boyfriend should. We were more best friends than anything. But, the difference for me was that I was willing to try to work on it, and he wasn't. I read your threads, and they did help a lot. I see a similarity in how your ex and mine both really didn't give us a chance once they had made their decisions. I think that's what hurt the most, that he wasn't even willing to try to work it out. I feel so hurt and abandoned. It is so frustrating to know you have such an amazing connection with someone, yet they can so easily walk away from it.

 

I think my biggest problem is that I had developed a very unhealthy dependence on my ex. I had made him my entire world. This is mostly due to my own problems - I need to learn to be happy with myself. I relied on the comfort of the relationship as my source of happiness. I also didn't have confidence in myself and my opinions, so I was easily influenced by his negative/controlling behavior. This contributed to my dependence on him, as I gave up my friends, hobbies, etc. to try to avoid conflict with him.

 

Soooo . . . I am starting therapy next week. I really wish he would as well. He mentioned it in a conversation we had a couple of weeks ago, but something tells me he won't follow through with it. But, I guess it doesn't really matter to me. He is not my problem anymore. . . .

[justagirlforever]

You know what? I think you've come much furhter than you probably yet give yourself credit for.

It really hasn't been long, and to already see and acknowledge all you have, is such a huge step.

 

I think my biggest problem is that I had developed a very unhealthy dependence on my ex.

 

I can't remember if I said this in my threads, but one of the things that scared the living daylights out of me, was that I suddenly realised (or thought) I had absolutely no one left. Not even myself. Most of all myself. Because giving so much for so long, I gave away myself. My heart and soul. I gave everything I could - and more - to (try and) make up for that which was missing - and he couldn't give. I felt like I had no friends to speak to. And keeping it all to myself would have done my head in.

 

The therapy helped immensely (even though at the time I practically hated the therapist but now am grateful). And I just picked up my phone & contacted all my close friends. In times of need, you honestly know who your friends are.

And spoke my heart out. Time and time and time again. Each time we met up, they probably thought: here she goes again!

 

So I think you'll be just fine and you're doing so well.

 

We live and learn. That's what life's about. And experience comes with hindsight.

 

Keep going

[Am4Real]

You know what? I think you've come much furhter than you probably yet give yourself credit for.

 

We live and learn. That's what life's about. And experience comes with hindsight.

 

 

 

Wise words these are. Very wise!

[JCD]

I hate it when I look back and remember the good times we had and then those love feelings take a hold of me and I become depressed. The only thing that helps me is to get busy with something to take my mind off of her. What really sucks is that while I feel like this, I can't give myself to someone else who would make me feel better. We also connected and it's so hard not to miss her and the fun we had. I keep thinking that I got to get on and meet someone new but it's hard. Like I don't want to let go of her because I fear to lose her.

[Guest]

I'm a male that will admit that he is insecure almost as bad as this guy. I just wanted to say and don't take it the wrong way because my intensions really are to help but maybe it was because of the lack of sex in the relationship. Sure maybe he was always insecure but being a guy lack of sex in a relationship really does mess with a guys mind. I went from atleast twice a day to once a week 'if I'm lucky'.

 

I used to be depressed before I met my soon to be wife and during the first 1.5 years I was a very changed guy that could not get mad or even have a bad day. But now I don't even know if I want to be with her no more its really depressing and its the reason I found this forum in the first place cause I don't know what to do anymore.

 

She says she loves me but the way she acts I just can't believe it anymore. All in all I gues I'm just trying to say that noone does stuff for no reason. I love my g/f soo very much and the guy prolly love u the same but not having that attention is prolly painting a very bad picture about the relationship. Lack of sex to a guy is like a women having her period. All the hormones and what nots get the person all messed up and they my not act normal

[Jocelyn]

WOW! You just almost identically described my "relationship." I have been dealing with that for the past three years. Trust me....people dont change. I have told him many times that i am not his mother and he will say he doesnt need you but he does. Even though he has his own place and seems to be doing good, eventually he will need someone becuase ppl like that need someone to mother them. It is a maturity issue. He needs to grow up.

 

In my case I have been waiting for 3 years and all he has done is proven to me that he can't change. there is the possibility that he will grow up late but there are those who never grow up. Chances are that he will come back. I got the same crap about "I love you but we can't be together." It continues to this day.

 

My brother describes it as you being the drug that he is addicted to. He is stuck on you and it will kill him to see you with someone else but he wont do anything to prevent it. Immature ppl dont fight for what they want. they find it easier to quit. It really sucks to know that he isn't willing to fight for you and it will feel like a one sideded realtionship. Dont waste your time. I know it's easier said than done.

 

My guy was a jealous freak!! He still is to this day. there isnt a day that passes that he wont insult me. It is to the point where he makes things up in his mind that didnt even happen just to have a reason to be mad at you.

 

If i go out with my friends, he will ask me who i slept with when i come back. (he uses much more vulgar terms) I have never given him reason to not trust me but it doesnt matter. I feel like a prisoner and i can't do anything. I dont understand why it is okay for his friends that are girls to have fun and drink....(I mean DRINK.

 

These girls drink all the time and it's not ladylike at all..) I dont drink, i dont find it amusing but every now and then....why not. Well in his mind it's more like never. i have asked him why his friends can drink without him getting mad and his response is, "Because they are my friends. You are my girlfriend and you can't do that." in a way I want him out of my life because i always feel like i can't say or do certain things because of him. I dont feel free....and he might come back but you need to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like that.