Bella1022 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I have been with my husband for 6 years. My personality is very go with the flow. My husband can go where, speak to whomever he pleases. He can spend money on whatever he wants. On the other for myself he needs to know where I am, who I am with, I am not allowed to have any male friends, if I spend money he wants to know what on. He can be and is very controlling and jealous. In the beginning he was very affectionate, always wanted me near him. Slowly throughout our relationship the affection from him to me has dwiddled. I have always tried to keep an affectionate connection between us but he would cover his face if I tried to kiss him or wouldn't cuddle ith me. We recently got married a 1 1/2 ago and I almost feel like it has gotten even worse. I do admit have made mistakes in our relationship for example I have smoked cigarettes behind his back knowing that he dispise smoking. And I have lied to him about a male friend I had, even though there was nothing going on between me and my friend, I would erase his numbers out of my cell so my husband wouldn't find out and freak out. Because he has a very bad temper, wouldn't understand or approve. Ever since that he would not drop the situation and keeps bringing up. Recently I went out with some of my friends and he found otu I was smoking cigarettes, he flipped out and is not talking to me. I am not sure how do deal with him?
Woggle Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Tell him that he is not your father and he does not own you. No adult should be telling another what they can and can't do. If he can't realize this maybe you are better off without him.
Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I can understand not smoking in the house or the bedroom. Just take it outside. He is acting like your father He must tell you what to do and how to do it. I suggest you sit down and talk to him about this. Do not argue. If he does not do this tell him in a calm voice that the both of you have problem in the marriage and this needs to be talked over and steps need to be taken to fix it. The only way it can be fixed is if both of you understand each other point of view. Then come to a compromise. If he does not want to talk tell him that it is either the both of you work it out or you go to a marriage counselor for help. He may have a bad temper but it should never be directed at you. If you feel you cannot talk to him because of his temper this is telling you that you have a huge problem that is just going ot get worse. Plus the affection that is missing. This is a big thing. I had the same problem with my boyfrind, lack of affection after about 1.5 years. He would not kiss me unless we were in bed. He did not want me to touch him. and he has a bad temper a very bad tem per. I wrote down all the things that I feel are wrong in our relationship and told him that this is tearing us apart and that we would end up breaking up in a short while. i asked him if that is what he wanted. For us this was a good starting point. he said no and that he wanted to work on our relationship and even said he would see a marriage counselor with me which is something he is completely against. That is when I knew he was in it for the long run and we communicate with each other now. It was difficult though don't get me wrong. Communicate Communicate communicate.
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I think my biggest issue is that he doesn't respect me or apperciate me. And not that I would want to change someone or make someone do something. I just can't figure out why he doesn't? Or how and what I can do to change that?
polywog Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Wow, I got dumped by a man like that a few months ago, and it is dawning more and more on me that he didn't respect or appreciate me. He wasn't controlling like your H, but everything was on his terms. I stayed with him, however, because I loved him and was comfortable in our mutual life, tho I felt a tinge of jealousy when my friends with more appreciative spouses/SOs had more affectionate relationships where they were truly shown they were appreciated. I don't mean to hijack your thread with my tale of woe, but I relate to a lot of what you're going through. Have you brought up your feelings about this to him? Maybe he'd just used to treating women this way, and has never been challenged to be different. have you considered couples therapy?
a4a Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Devils advocate : maybe all the hiding of things and lies make him not trust you and he feels the need to ask you where, what, and when? How many times has he caught you in lies?
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I have lied to him a lot but I almost feel like I have to because of the way he reacts. More and More I feel like I am losing who I am to please him. He seems to flip out about everything. He is always so negative towards me I am fat, stupid, retard. If I get employee of the month at my job I am sucking someone off or doing them. Never I am smart and intelligent. I ask him to stop but it is constant. I feel like nothing is ever good enough for him. And in the past I have asked him if we could talk to someone but he he feels that he shouldn't have to tell a strange about our relationship problems for someone else to fix them. I don't ask for much I just want to be loved, help with the chores which he refuses to do and some affection.
a4a Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 2 options MC or divorce. Either way you have issues and would benefit from IC.
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I don't want a divorce but I know my husband will not go to MC. So if I wanted to talk him how would I approach things since he has not talked to since Saturday? And I am not sure if he is ready to talk to me or even hear what I have to say
a4a Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I don't want a divorce but I know my husband will not go to MC. So if I wanted to talk him how would I approach things since he has not talked to since Saturday? And I am not sure if he is ready to talk to me or even hear what I have to say You need some IC to get to the root as to why you put up with this and why you have zero self esteem. You cannot change or fix him, only he can do that. But you have just as serious as issues as he does that you Can FIX. It is a waste of time for you to attempt this (fix your M)until you learn more about why you do what you do.
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 What is IC? And I feel like I have self -esteem issues because he brings me down, and I know why I lie to him and try to hide things form him because I am scared of his reaction when he does find out
Asafan Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 My husband can go where, speak to whomever he pleases. He can spend money on whatever he wants. On the other for myself he needs to know where I am, who I am with, I am not allowed to have any male friends, if I spend money he wants to know what on. He can be and is very controlling and jealous. In the beginning he was very affectionate, always wanted me near him. Slowly throughout our relationship the affection from him to me has dwindled. I have always tried to keep an affectionate connection between us but he would cover his face if I tried to kiss him or wouldn't cuddle ith me. We recently got married a 1 1/2 ago and I almost feel like it has gotten even worse. Because he has a very bad temper, wouldn't understand or approve. Ever since that he would not drop the situation and keeps bringing up. Recently I went out with some of my friends and he found otu I was smoking cigarettes, he flipped out and is not talking to me. I am not sure how do deal with him? All you have to do is read what you already wrote to get your answer. If a friend came to you and told you all of this what would you tell them? I would tell my friend that this guy is a control freak and you need to step away. He obviously has some problems and should not be treating you the way he does regardless of your own role in it. However, (and I don't say this to be cruel but to prove a point) I have no doubt that you will stay in the same situation for years and nothing will change while you slowly come to realize you have made a grave mistake. Children will come along and it will make things much worse in your relationship and even harder to leave. So. Stay. Put up with being treated like a child and disrespected. Or, get counseling for yourself, and take control of your life. It really is that simple.
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I just don't want to quit on my marriage and I do love him. I want for things to work the 2 of us
4whatItsWorth Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 He is always so negative towards me I am fat, stupid, retard. If I get employee of the month at my job I am sucking someone off or doing them. Never I am smart and intelligent. I ask him to stop but it is constant. I know you might not have thought of it - but your husband is abusing you. Perhaps not physically - but in the worst way possible MENTALLY. Calling you those things, never showing you appreciation is NOT love. Women tend to stay for longer with emotional abusers because they cannot understand that they are actually being abused. They blame themselves and accept what the abuser says as reality. However, I can tell you right now MC won't do. The husband has issues, and even though you do not want to divorce - how can you live with a man who does not respect you, emotionally abuse you and leaves you with no self-respect? I think you need to realise your own self-worth and take a BIG step out of that marriage and into a single life where you can meet someone who LOVES you, APPRECIATES you and would NEVER EVER HURT YOU. You don't suck. But your husband does. I know you love him - but he clearly does not love you. (Or he has a sick way of showing it.) Please, get out of there and find yourself a man that will make you feel like Miss America over and over again.
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 WOW that made me cry and I am at work.
4whatItsWorth Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I'm sorry, I do not mean to upset you. But I have been on enough forums with enough emotionally and mentally abusive men to realise when it's another one. I really do understand you want to work on your marriage, and I guess at some point he must have been a good man if you got together with him in the first place? Problem is I don't think he needs MC, he needs councelling on his own to realise why he is putting up his own insecurities and loading them into words he can shout out to you? He is the one who has problems, and I know us women want to - but we cannot "fix" men. To stay in a relationship where you are constantly tripping on your toes, stopping to be yourself in order to "please" him is NOT a healthy way to live. It will not improve your situation and it will not make him appreciate you any more. It might work in the future, it might not - but it won't if you stay around hoping for a change that probably will never happen on its own. Please realise this is not your fault, you are not to blame but you deserve to be happy. And he will not be able to make you secure and happy with him before he can sort out his issues.
Author Bella1022 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I really apperciate everyones time and thoughts in all of my mess and problems
4whatItsWorth Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Found this other thread, read post 12 by Gunny376: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114333/
Mr. Lucky Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 We recently got married a 1 1/2 ago and I almost feel like it has gotten even worse. I hate to second guess, but why on earth after 4 years of abuse would you marry him? As others have suggested, IC might help you understand why you made some of the choices you did... Mr. Lucky
Gunny376 Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Both you and your husband have issues that you need to work on address, and yes it comes across loud and clear that some of yours lay within the relamn of self-esteem. If you don't love yourself, if you don't respect yourself, if you don't value yourself, if you don't appreciate yourself ~ how can you give that to someone else? And, how can you allow someone else to give it to you. I don't know what you call what you and your husband have ~ buts its not marriage. Marriage isn't built upon lies and deciet. But, in many ways he's forced you to lie and be decietful ~ because his demands on your accountablity of time, money, etc are un-reasonable. Your homelife as describe is clear cut, and classic emotional abuse. When your married you don't have the right to tell anyone where they can or can't go, whom they can or can't speak with, with whom they can or can't assosciate with, where they can or can't spend their money ~ especially if they're the ones that earned it to begin with. He's got some serious problems with insecurity ~ and if you believe things are going to get any better ~ you've got another thing coming. One of my guys (I refuse to call him a Marine) in the Marines that would pad-lock his wife and chldren from the outside in when he went to work in a house trailer. The windows were barred! It didn't go at all well for him when we found out. And yea check out the link to the other thread I posted on that 4whatItsWorth listed above. Unless you're just begging for years and years of misery, Hell, hate, and discontent ~ leave this guy. MC won't work with this guy. Not until you leave him, clearly get to working on yourself, and realizing your full potential as a human being, a person, an individual. Unitil you've got it together ~ you really can't get with someone else. We cover this quite ofen in the Separated/Divorce fourmn, but the guys and gals we're covering it with are on the otherside of where you're at. You might want to look through there to see where your future potentinally lies ten,.twenty years from now ~ and then ask yourself is that the life I want to live? But, that's where you're headed with this guy. Finally, my daughter is 26 years old, and I am her Daddy, but I can't tell her where she can and can't go, who she can and can't hang out with, be friends with, who she can or can't talk to. She smokes as well, and I've got no say about that either. She got a tatto as well that I wasn't too crazy about ~ but you know what? Its her life! To make the decsions she chooses to make. Just that plain and just that simple. But, if my SIL were treating my daughter the way your husband is treating you? And, I found out about it? It wouldn't be pretty, and it wouldn't be fun ~ I'd be setting him straight!
Asafan Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 I just don't want to quit on my marriage and I do love him. I want for things to work the 2 of us Gunny is right. What you have described is not marriage, and I can say for certain what you are feeling is NOT love. It is dependence. Do you have children? If not you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Once kids come along it changes everything, and in a situation like this it won't be for the better. If you think it is hard to leave now, just wait. IC = independent counseling.
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