Lezbean Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Rant below! Let me just start out by saying that I am so lucky to have the most wonderful boyfriend I have ever had! He is absolutely everything I have ever wanted. Our relationship is outstanding. He treats me with love and respect and everyday I thank God out loud for bringing him in my life. He completely cherishes me and I completely cherish him. We have been together about 20 months and are working our way towards marriage this fall. However, I have one problem. His exW. She doesn't meddle in our relationship, in fact, she is very nice to me. What I have a problem with is how everything is about HER, LOL. I get soooo angry and resentful, I have to stop feeling this way somehow. I've only mentioned it to my BF a few times, but each time it ruined our evening. He planned a very wonderful evening for us last night and we went to bed early, she called wanting him to go get some cardboard paper or something for his youngest son’s homework and I started in on everything I can't stand about her. You see, she is a spoiled rotten, self entitled person. Everything and I mean everything must be about her. He pays her almost $5,000 a month for three more years for her to go to school full-time. I pay for every other date because he is always complaining about how much he pays her and how he can't afford this and that. I don't mind paying for the dates. But Dammit! sometimes I feel like a second class person because of this and I resent her. I make great money, but mind you, he makes probably 5 times what I do. I have told him to go on 3 family vacations without me because he wanted me to pay my own way. He is taking his boys to Disney Land next week and I'm going to stay back and watch his house and animals. He used to take her all around the world on vacations, but I have to pay my own way. She is engaged to another man. He takes her on vacations all the time. She misses school often and is not doing well with her grades. I think this is terrible, considering my BF is footing the entire bill. We constantly have the kids on her weekends because she is off playing with her new fiancée. She constantly calls for more money. She won't help with their homework and if they need something at night for homework, guess who they call to go the store and go get it for them, Yup, my BF who happily does it. I told him to tell her to get off her lazy *** and go get it herself. All she does is go to school and PART-TIME right now. She constantly expects him to drop everything and run off and do what she needs. She will let them call him up to 12:00 at night with homework questions!!!!!!!!!! I told him that was downright disrespectful. A few weeks ago his youngest son had a stomach ache and had to be picked up from school. My BF had to leave his work, and go get him because she had missed too many days of her school off having fun frolicking with the new fiancee. I was livid but didn't say anything. Last night as I was bitching about it, he was kind of defending her which made me even angrier. Am I wrong for being so upset? How do I deal with it without being so angry?
Guest Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I went through the same thing with my boyfriend and his ex-wife. Luckily no children. He paid her alimony each month (about as high as yours) plus she always need an extra $2,000 per month because she did not work full time only a couple days a week. She had a child from a previous marriage. He was not legally bound to the child at all and she did not have custody of him. But she used him as a bargaining chip when she asked for mony. the only time she called him was for more money or plane tickets. When I met him I found all this out I thought fine if this is his legal obligation. After I moved in with him I realized what a financial drain she was on him. She did not need the extra 2,000 When I moved in she became nervous and called to be sure he would keep giving her the money as usual. And he said yes. She knew what was coming when a new girl enters the scene. I told him that she was taking advantage of him. He said He did not care. I worked full time and she only worked part time and feelings of resentment just started adding up. He was divorced from her for 4 years and had one more year of alimony left plus the extra. Even our friends told him that he was not being fare to me keeping her in his life like he is. Then came time when her alimony was coming to an end and she had the nerve to ask him if he would keep up the payment for the next year!!! Because she did not have a full time job and she always had problems to deal with which was really a guilt trip on him. I told him very calmly over and over again never straying from the main topic of her that she is disrupting our lives and making it nearly impossible for us to conduct a normal loving relationship. Main topic: Don't pay her extra just pay her what you are legally bound to. I would tell him how I feel and then I would ask him if his ex would allow herself to be treated like this. he said no she would not. Over about a year he weaned her off his income completely. (his alimony time was over) He set boundries with her during that year and cut the extra gift out slowly. He did pay alimony for an extra six months because she begged him to. It is a matter of talking, NOT having an argument. he realized what he was doing and that is enabling her to keep not supporting herself. over five years of a huge sum of money coming in anyone would get their s..... together. but she didn'g, she was on easy street and wanted it to last her lifetime. I told him how it made me feel. that he is so willing to give any extra money to her but to me his girlfriend who worked full time he was not being very supportive and that he is making me feel as though he does not see me as good enough to be his partner. I then asked him if his ex would put up with it if places were changed. I asked him that many times. Our friends told him that the situation should be reversed. that I should onlly have to work part time and that he should not be paying her anything except what the court has ordered. friends can be very supportive to you. It sounds like he should set boundries with her and his children. he has a life too that is seperate from his ex's. It looks like he wants to still be in his family's life. But he is not a part of it the way he once knew it. He has to realize that. You could help him out with that as long as you talk and not whine or argue. My boyfriend is a very good man but just needed some one to tell him what he was doing. Since he stopped paying her we have gone on many vacations out of the country, he paid off his house and life is good. the best part is once he stopped giving her money she stopped calling. She would always say that they were good friends but once the money stopped she stopped calling him. so every thing did work out in the long run it just took some time. he always paid for dinners and quick weekend vacations for us though. Your situation is more difficult than mine but it is parralel(sp_
PSmith Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 Your BF’s exW sounds just like mine, so I felt compelled to write. When I got divorced I was paying more than 60% of my take home pay in child support and alimony. Try living on that. I was broke all the time and barely hanging on. Even with all the money I was paying, I would get phone calls for school supplies, clothes, etc. I was the first person the school called when they were sick, so I’d miss work to pick them up and take them to the doctor. I decided long ago that my kids needs would out weigh mine or my hatred for the ex. I knew she was wasting the money I was giving her. But, should my kids suffer? I never said a bad word about their mother in front of them. And when the ex called to pick a fight and my kids were over, I would always say, “Thanks for calling”, then hang up. I made sure they never saw me fight with her. So here it is 10 yrs later. I don’t pay alimony anymore, but still pay more in child support than she earns, when she decides to work. I take my kids shopping for new clothes twice a year. Hell, even my GF gets involved. I also take them shopping for school supplies and pay for all school activities, like field trips. They do yard work around my house to earn spending money. I have a great relationship with my kids. They know that they can call me for help with their homework or school projects. They call me sometimes asking if they can stop by and do their laundry, because the ex doesn’t have any money for the Laundromat. Of course! Come over, we’ll order pizza and do laundry together. And although I hate shopping, I love going with my kids and making a day of it. I’ve had GFs that hated I was so involved, and felt the ex should do more. They didn’t last long. I’ve had GFs that were understanding and praised me for looking beyond my anger (and I still do hate the ex) and focusing on the kids. Those have held a special place in my life. My current GF is awesome with the kids. Understanding about everything that goes on. It makes me want to be the man I think she deserves. And it’s because of all that she does, I plan on asking her to marry me, long after I swore I would never marry again. If your BF is as good to you as you say he is, give him a break. But also give him some time to settle into this new life. Maybe you need to consider putting the marriage off for a little longer to see if things get better with the money. Maybe wait until after he's done paying the $5,000 a month. It took me a good 5 years to recover financially and emotionally. I don't think you mentioned how long they've been divorced. Hope this helps.
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