Author shecat28 Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 You're right. They never want the world to know the real them. They want to keep up the facade of having their sh*t together and being such a stand-up guy. His colleagues would probably throw up if they knew his deep dark secrets. On the outside he would always joke about hookers and the losers who patronized them. Yet he is their biggest fan...he couldn't stop seeing them if his own mother's life depended on it. I just hate that he has everyone fooled. That's what scares me. He is so charming, and convincing and manipulating. I'm worried that the judge/mediator will buy into his act as well. I watched him play the role for a few doctors and therapists before, and they all believed him. I'd like to think that the truth will always prevail, but with him, I'm not so sure. He's been putting on this act for so long that he's perfected it. I am the only one who knows the other side. This week should be interesting.
MoonGirl Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Yes...my husband has a very different image in public as well. He is very charming, charismatic, generally well-dressed, etc. No one would ever believe what went on at home. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it will get better. IfWishesWereHorses, I understand what you mean about the kids. My husband has threatened to poison the kids' minds against me. My 3 year-old has already picked up a lot of his habits - disgusting ones, like calling me a lazy b*tch, black people n*ggers, and other unmentionables. There have been times where I think that there is really nothing I can do for the kids...that they will be messed up no matter what I do. The courts won't cut him out of their lives. It feels hopeless. Abandoning them has crossed my mind, but I could never do it. shecat28, How old are your kids?
Author shecat28 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 our son is almost 2 years old...my other kids are older from a previous relationship... he told me last night that he was going away this week from wednesday night until sunday...I know he is going to hide money from me....he has accounts off shore that I have no access to but i know him so well and I know that he's going to ensure there is no way to trace it...i don't care about the money...i just wish i could get proof of what he's doing to show the world what a sneaky, calculating, selfish bastard he is. everything to him is about money...my therapist said that it is the only thing he has to keep all his addictions going...he doesn't care that he's lost his family, as long as he has money to buy drugs, alcohol, prostitutes, status, and the whole appearance of being someone..my therapist said that if he were to lose money..all of it, that would be the only time he would even consider needing help for his issues...that would be his rock bottom.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 Your therapist is absolutely right. I know that that will be my H's rock bottom and its coming soon enough because he cannot handle the alcohol nor the sexual addiction, we will lose everthing and he will lose his job, its only a matter of time. The job and money are the only things that matter to him. Recently, there have been soo many things happen that should have been his rock bottom but as soon as he is "out of danger" he forgets what he went through and continues the same behavior. One issue his job was hanging on the line based on the outcome of a legal situation and we spent a few days not knowing what would become of it. He was so very angry that I wasn't climbing the walls like he was. I tried to explain that whether it happened now or later it was coming and I have long excepted it so it was no surprise to me. During that few days his best childhood friend was diagnosed with malignant melinoma and I sat him down to tell him. He yelled, "how can you worry about that when everything we have could be on the line, THIS IS REAL LIFE!" I remember thinking, gosh thats funny cause if I could give up everything I own to save our friend I would and never t hink twice about it. HIS situation is real life, your's is simply a consequence of YOUR actions and we are all forced live with those consequences. Its amazing that they can't see themselves as others see them. I finally realized though that not everyone thinks that he is the wonderful man that he thinks everyone sees him as. That helped me alot. I've seen people make fun of him and laugh behind his back or roll their eyes AND I have tried to tell him about it. He just gets angry and blames everyone else! Lucky for him, he is so very drunk when he acts out that he never remembers it the next morning, noone else forgets it though. What's so very sad to me is that if he could ever get a handle on himself he could be an incredible man but the narcissism isn't fixable so he will live like this for forever, only HE'LL never know it!
Author shecat28 Posted March 19, 2007 Author Posted March 19, 2007 Please don't take offense to this, but it truly is refreshing to know that I'm not the only one going through this sh*t. When I felt like I was alone, I also felt that people thought it was I who was crazy and neurotic. I must admit that the fact that I allowed myself to be treated so poorly and sink into the hole that I did was pretty crazy and so unlike the real me. I think I was and am still in shock that a person who claimed to love me so much could be so cold and cruel. I knew these people existed but they were usually on America's Most Wanted or some court tv show, not married to me. The more I read on these people with these conditions, the more I realize that it is not uncommon and that many nice, normal people have been damaged by them. It's just comforting to know that I am far from being alone.
RecordProducer Posted March 19, 2007 Posted March 19, 2007 I posted for the first time in the infidelity forum last week but I have quickly advanced to this separation one. I should've reworded the title...the &*%$#@! is actually leaving me. Correction: Left me. Why do I want the lying, self-serving, hooker screwing piece of %$#&! to be apologetic? Why does it still baffle me that he hasn't broken down and begged for forgiveness? I am a co-dependant, enabling rescuer. Going to therapy to break those bad habits. It just still blows my mind that people can lack morals, ethics and even just plain class to that extent. Sadly enough, it blows my mind that I still feel like I love him. Why the hell do I sitll cry at the thought of him sharing his life with someone else? After all, he has been sharing a bed with dozens of strangers. Because you're a normal person and if you were cold-blooded and rational, you would have been a machine - not a human. The good news is: the worse the memories of the ex the quicker and more complete the recovery. Celebrate, sweetie! Don't cry. You got rid of a pile of crap you stepped into. Your foot still stinks, but you'll manage to wash it off.
MoonGirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 Please don't take offense to this, but it truly is refreshing to know that I'm not the only one going through this sh*t. When I felt like I was alone, I also felt that people thought it was I who was crazy and neurotic. I must admit that the fact that I allowed myself to be treated so poorly and sink into the hole that I did was pretty crazy and so unlike the real me. I think I was and am still in shock that a person who claimed to love me so much could be so cold and cruel. I knew these people existed but they were usually on America's Most Wanted or some court tv show, not married to me. The more I read on these people with these conditions, the more I realize that it is not uncommon and that many nice, normal people have been damaged by them. It's just comforting to know that I am far from being alone. You're certainly NOT alone! And things will get better. RP is right, the bigger the azz that your ex is, the easier it will be for you to move on with your life since you won't be stuck pining away for him.
Author shecat28 Posted March 20, 2007 Author Posted March 20, 2007 Unfortunately, I have been pining away every now and again. I see him daily when he picks up our kid and thank God he is a prick to me each time, 'cause that just reminds me of another reason he's not right for me. It's kinda funny that before this last episode of cheating, I had no problem with him treating me badly, lying about things, hurting my feelings. I used to think that as long as he wasn't drinking or cheating, he could do whatever he wanted to me and I would be fine. Now in hindsight, I realize that the abuse was there with or without the infidelities. It's sad, because I once knew a side of him that I loved and couldn't live without, and now I wonder if that was really even him or part of the act.
MoonGirl Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 You'll stop the pining soon enough. For me, it took meeting a NICE man. I'm not dating him right now, but he helped me REALLY see that I deserved better. Of course, like you, I already knew I deserved better...and being alone is FAR better than being with an abusive jerk...but when someone is nice to you, it's such a breath of fresh air. BTW, why do you have to see him daily???? That is awful!
AHIWON Posted March 20, 2007 Posted March 20, 2007 You're certainly NOT alone! And things will get better. RP is right, the bigger the azz that your ex is, the easier it will be for you to move on with your life since you won't be stuck pining away for him. I'm starting to believe that myself. I knew I had been the target for verbal and emotional abuse. The more I learn about it, the more evidence I see that I didn't even realize before. It's was brutal but wow do I feel alot better in just a month. I'm not exposed to a lot of abuse any more since my SO is spending most of her time somewhere else. She is still abusive when she is around but I am not letting it get to me anymore.
Author shecat28 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 it's so true, ahiwon, that they will just find a new victim once you don't show that it's affecting you...my SO still tries when he sees me, and the odd time I react, but it's so much less than before and I can see that my calmness is getting to him...we have lawyers involved so he has to be careful of what he does...i try not to have verbal communication so that any correspondence is documented ( text or e-mails ), it's a shame and a shock that it has to be like this but he is so sneaky, calculating and vindictive that there is no other choice, and the few times that there is verbal contact, he seizes the opportunity to be the dirty, cold prick that he tries to hide from the rest of the world..hey moongirl, the reason that I see him daily is because he sees our baby everyday for a couple of hours...that of course is so the people in life will think that he's such a doting, caring father...it's all for show...I can count on one hand how many times he put our baby down for a nap in 2 years...he even had to email me to ask me what foods he likes...now he acts like he knows so much about fatherhood...I know I still sound bitter, but I am! What's the best revenge? Look good? Be happy? Be successful? Move on? Or all of the above?
Author shecat28 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Ahiwon, I was just reading some of your other posts and smiling when I read the one about taking the ativan. I don't abuse them, but wow have they ever been a life saver for me recently. You sound like you're doing ok. It's been very therapeutic to write in these forums. If you're up for more reading, Melody Beattie has lots of books on co-dependancy. Good luck to you and what you're going through. Stay strong.
Gunny376 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 What's the best revenge? Live a good, happy, stressfree, meaningful, life!
AHIWON Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Ahiwon, I was just reading some of your other posts and smiling when I read the one about taking the ativan. I don't abuse them, but wow have they ever been a life saver for me recently. You sound like you're doing ok. It's been very therapeutic to write in these forums. If you're up for more reading, Melody Beattie has lots of books on co-dependancy. Good luck to you and what you're going through. Stay strong. Antivan does help and I'm pleased to say I haven't taken one in over 3 weeks. I never liked taking any drugs and will only take things as a last resort. I'll put up with a sinus headache for a few days before taking Sinutab ect. Writing here has been very therapeutic indeed. The advice given has been nothing short of amazing. Thanks for the tips on the books, so much more to learn.
Gunny376 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 The advice given has been nothing short of amazing. Thanks for the tips on the books, so much more to learn. Its the reason we come to the planet ~ to learn. We're not Earthly beings having a spiritual experience, we're spiritual beings having an Earthly experience. This life is but one big classroom from which to learn and grow ~ the lesson? How to love un-conditionally!
MoonGirl Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 the reason that I see him daily is because he sees our baby everyday for a couple of hours...that of course is so the people in life will think that he's such a doting, caring father...it's all for show...I can count on one hand how many times he put our baby down for a nap in 2 years...he even had to email me to ask me what foods he likes...now he acts like he knows so much about fatherhood... Hmmm...I certainly wouldn't put up with this. Your husband made a choice to leave you, so you certainly shouldn't be seeing him daily, especially because it's stressful for you! In fact, based on what you say, he could be coming by simply to have the chance abuse you and not really to see your child. On top of that, since he is spending only a couple of hours with your child each day, he is not partaking in the difficult part of being a parent - feeding, bathing, dressing, etc. I'd put an IMMEDIATE stop to this if I were you. My husband sees the kids 1-2 days per week, and during that time he has to change diapers, feed the kids, dress them, and deal with tantrums. Don't focus on what your husband is telling you he is...you know who he is. Focus on yourself and your needs. Stop seeing him daily, do things for YOU.
Author shecat28 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 moongirl, I have to only allow him those few hours because I don't trust him to properly care for the baby for any longer...it's for the baby's best interest...the reason he must pick him up directly from me and drop off with me is because he fights dirty and likes to tell people sh*t about me and badmouth me...so now he's not allowed to be around any of my friends or family or babysitters. I know he's getting off scott free from all the hard parts of parenting, but for me, I'd rather keep my baby safe. He's just not the brightest bulb when it comes to children and he certainly wouldn't know how to comfort our child. Plus, because he is a binge drinking alcoholic, he has in the past disappeared from our lives four times, 2 months each time. So really, the baby has only just gotten to know him in the last 6 months that he's been sober. It's a long story. Different forum. Bottom line, he's incompetent and my child is better off spending shorter periods of time with him. As for the abuse, I'm trying to tune him out. It's just amazing how time slowly heals things. Each day I feel better, although I've lost a ton of weight, which in my case is not good. But mentally, I feel pretty good. I have only broken down and called him once in 3 weeks. All other correspondence has been regarding property, lawyers, and the baby. Hey, Ahiwon...what's the name of the divorce book that you've been reading? Thanks to everyone again. I'm sure this forum is what's helped me pull through so far.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Shecat, Has he stopped drinking? If so was there no improvement? Did he go to a program or do it on his own?
AHIWON Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Try to make different arrangements so you don't have to see him every day. It has to be making the healing process harder. The book I read was called Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis. A real eye opener for me, wished I was aware of those concepts 20 years ago. Pretty sure my life would be very different right now. Better now than never. I'll use those newly learned skills in my next relationship. It's too late for this one.
Gunny376 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 and thank God he is a prick to me each time, 'cause that just reminds me of another reason he's not right for me. Sorry! Too funny! God doesn't always give us what we want ~ but He gives us what we need!
Gunny376 Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 In your case Shecat, I recommend "Crazytime" its in paperback and less than $6. Good read. If you've got one of those used bookstores around you might be able to get it for less than that.
Author shecat28 Posted March 21, 2007 Author Posted March 21, 2007 Thanks Gunny and Aw. Horses...basically his cycle goes like this...drink for 6-8 weeks...( and I mean really drink...no work...drink, sleep, drink, sleep, once until the emergency staff told me he had less than 48 hours to live when I brought him in )..after that 6-8 weeks, he either goes to rehab for 28 days or to a detox center, then the road to recovery begins again. This happens every 6 months or so. While he is sober the first couple of months, he is fantastic. He is humble and remorseful and all he wants to do is fix things. Then the short memory kicks in and the need to feel like a hot shot comes back. He gets antsy and needs to flash money, buy expensive things, and then next is needing to feel important...hence the hookers. All the while, he is supplementing one addiction for another because he is slowly getting hooked on valium, and percocets. My therapist predicts the events and is pretty bang on. And now I'm finally convinced....I can't save him and especially since he won't even admit his problems, I don't even want to save him. He admits to being an alcoholic, because that's socially acceptable these days, and he jokes about enjoying the odd pill here and there, even though he's up to 20 percocets a day, BUT he would never admit to anyone that he's a sex addict because people still frown upon prostitutes and those who patronize them. In his mind he wouldn't want people to know that he pays for it as often as he does and the places he does it at. But according to my therapist and all my reading, that's all part of the fantasy. So as I write all this, I say to myself, why the hell did you stay so long knowing all of this? It's so much easier when you're an outsider looking in, but when you are the one actually going through it, it's almost as if you're blind and lost all sense of rationale.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Well, you are absolutely right that it is so much easier from the outside looking in. I think our role becomes that of fixer. I have never been one to give up easily on anything and I think thats why it took me so long to actually come to terms with the fact that I can't change him and to give up hope and to get on living my life. Its amazing to me though the difference in my husband when he is actually sober for awhile (been a long t ime). I always have wondered where the drinking and drugging come into the the cycle though. Kind of the chicken and the egg thing. I think that as an insider I didn't get the narcissist thing for so very long because I blamed everything on the drinking. Worked psych for alot of years and I can spot a PD from a mile away. One day I hung up the phone from talking to him and said to myself, "you are so narcissistic" then the light bulb went off. I grieved from that point. The alcoholism is possibly fixable, the other isn't. Actually, I don't think the alcoholism is actually fixable "right now" but he quit for probably 9 or 10 years. I used to have the fantasy that he would hit his head hard and wake up someone else!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 Does your husband remember things that happened when he is drinking?
MoonGirl Posted March 21, 2007 Posted March 21, 2007 moongirl, I have to only allow him those few hours because I don't trust him to properly care for the baby for any longer...it's for the baby's best interest...the reason he must pick him up directly from me and drop off with me is because he fights dirty and likes to tell people sh*t about me and badmouth me...so now he's not allowed to be around any of my friends or family or babysitters. I know he's getting off scott free from all the hard parts of parenting, but for me, I'd rather keep my baby safe. He's just not the brightest bulb when it comes to children and he certainly wouldn't know how to comfort our child. Plus, because he is a binge drinking alcoholic, he has in the past disappeared from our lives four times, 2 months each time. So really, the baby has only just gotten to know him in the last 6 months that he's been sober. It's a long story. Different forum. Bottom line, he's incompetent and my child is better off spending shorter periods of time with him. As for the abuse, I'm trying to tune him out. It's just amazing how time slowly heals things. Each day I feel better, although I've lost a ton of weight, which in my case is not good. But mentally, I feel pretty good. I have only broken down and called him once in 3 weeks. All other correspondence has been regarding property, lawyers, and the baby. Hey, Ahiwon...what's the name of the divorce book that you've been reading? Thanks to everyone again. I'm sure this forum is what's helped me pull through so far. I understand. But, still, why every day???? That seems a bit excessive to me, especially considering his abuse of you and his alcohol/drug use.
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