shecat28 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I posted for the first time in the infidelity forum last week but I have quickly advanced to this separation one. I should've reworded the title...the &*%$#@! is actually leaving me. Correction: Left me. Why do I want the lying, self-serving, hooker screwing piece of %$#&! to be apologetic? Why does it still baffle me that he hasn't broken down and begged for forgiveness? I am a co-dependant, enabling rescuer. Going to therapy to break those bad habits. It just still blows my mind that people can lack morals, ethics and even just plain class to that extent. Sadly enough, it blows my mind that I still feel like I love him. Why the hell do I sitll cry at the thought of him sharing his life with someone else? After all, he has been sharing a bed with dozens of strangers.
Ladyjane14 Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I took a peek at your other thread and noticed that your husband is being a dick about mediation. All I can say is... The best defense is a good offense. Get yourself a good attorney and protect your child at all costs. If it was me, by the time I was through with that guy.. he'd be lucky to be getting "supervised" visitation. If he was STUPID enough to go into court with me KNOWING he's an untreated sex addict, he'd deserve what he got. My advice to you is to treat the situation like you would if he were a schoolyard bully. Avoid trouble when you can... but if he wants to start a fight, make sure you're the one who FINISHES it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 With a ny luck he wont break down and beg forgiveness but I'm affraid that he probably will. For what its worth when that time comes don't forget that he will never, can never change. This can't be fixed. He is incapable of feeling guilt or remorse, he can't handle shame. Let some lucky OW have him!!
MoonGirl Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I posted for the first time in the infidelity forum last week but I have quickly advanced to this separation one. I should've reworded the title...the &*%$#@! is actually leaving me. Correction: Left me. Why do I want the lying, self-serving, hooker screwing piece of %$#&! to be apologetic? Why does it still baffle me that he hasn't broken down and begged for forgiveness? I am a co-dependant, enabling rescuer. Going to therapy to break those bad habits. It just still blows my mind that people can lack morals, ethics and even just plain class to that extent. Sadly enough, it blows my mind that I still feel like I love him. Why the hell do I sitll cry at the thought of him sharing his life with someone else? After all, he has been sharing a bed with dozens of strangers. Why do you still want him? Same reason I wanted my abusive cheating husband for a long time. You love him, and rejection is painful. My husband has also never apologized for the things he's done to me...and now that I've been in therapy for awhile, I am okay with that. It is his loss and his problem. I'm sure you will feel the same way someday...hopefully very soon. Feel grateful that he is freeing you from a life of torture. You can now begin to heal yourself and be happy again!
Author shecat28 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Moongirl...did you leave him? If so, how long did it take you to feel better? I have no idea what is wrong with me. It's almost borderline stockholm syndrome. He is so toxic for me, and yet I'm so heartbroken. I know he won't change. He doesn't even think he's got a problem, aside from the alcohol. My therapist told me that sex addicts are harder to treat than alcoholics. In other words, it's hopeless. The problem is, why am I wanting there to be hope when he's such a prick? I keep on hoping he gets hurt as badly as he's done me. But that's impossible because he's incapable of feeling anything that's not related to his dick or his ego. I am so bitter, all I want is revenge.
Author shecat28 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 I took a peek at your other thread and noticed that your husband is being a dick about mediation. All I can say is... The best defense is a good offense. My advice to you is to treat the situation like you would if he were a schoolyard bully. Avoid trouble when you can... but if he wants to start a fight, make sure you're the one who FINISHES it. Just to make things move swiftly, I am going for the maximum in child support but have opted to receive a reduced amount in spousal support. At least that's what I had my attorney put into the separation agreement proposal. It was couriered to his office yesterday, but he has yet to see it. If he doesn't agree to the simple demands in our letter, I'm very capable of sinking to his level and fighting dirty. I'm not beyond bringing up his many stints in rehab, dragging his "pharmacist" into the mix, if necessary. He has nothing on me except that I was neurotically obssessed with him. Unfortunately here in Canada I can't sue him for emotional distress otherwise the selfish bastard would be paying through his ass for the rest of his pathetic life.
Gunny376 Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 I posted for the first time in the infidelity forum last week but I have quickly advanced to this separation one. I should've reworded the title...the &*%$#@! is actually leaving me. Correction: Left me. Why do I want the lying, self-serving, hooker screwing piece of %$#&! to be apologetic? Why does it still baffle me that he hasn't broken down and begged for forgiveness? I am a co-dependant, enabling rescuer. Going to therapy to break those bad habits. It just still blows my mind that people can lack morals, ethics and even just plain class to that extent. Sadly enough, it blows my mind that I still feel like I love him. Why the hell do I sitll cry at the thought of him sharing his life with someone else? After all, he has been sharing a bed with dozens of strangers. Its in past because of the bio-chemicals running around in your brain housing group! They kicked in back when you so called fell in love with his sorry ass! They're pretty strong ~ as strong as crack or cocaine! Ever as strong as any addicitve drug ~ they seem to be stronger in women than they are men. Dump this guy!
Author shecat28 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 You know what everyone? You know how you really know you have a lousy piece of &%!@# for a husband? When you pray to God that your daughter, sister or best friend NEVER marry a man like that OR when you pray to God that your son NEVER turns out anything like him.
PracticalShade Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 well, although the relationship was unhealthy, you did have a strong bond with the guy so naturally it's gonna affect you, even if he is a creep. Some advice I received in a recent post that hits home: Remind yourself that they're a terrible person for what they did and it'll become less difficult to take them off the pedestal.
MoonGirl Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Moongirl...did you leave him? If so, how long did it take you to feel better? I have no idea what is wrong with me. It's almost borderline stockholm syndrome. He is so toxic for me, and yet I'm so heartbroken. I know he won't change. He doesn't even think he's got a problem, aside from the alcohol. My therapist told me that sex addicts are harder to treat than alcoholics. In other words, it's hopeless. The problem is, why am I wanting there to be hope when he's such a prick? I keep on hoping he gets hurt as badly as he's done me. But that's impossible because he's incapable of feeling anything that's not related to his dick or his ego. I am so bitter, all I want is revenge. Hi sweetie, Yes, I left my husband after realizing that he would never change because, like your husband, he could not recognize he had any problems. It took me about a year after I knew I should leave him before I had enough strength to leave him and face being alone. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I have been in my own apartment for 5+ weeks now. I still have bouts of sadness, but most of that comes from feeling lonely rather than seriously missing my husband. Why do you want there to be hope? With any failed relationship you have regrets...it didn't turn out like you had dreamed. Perhaps, like me, your hopes are based more on fantasy than reality. My hope died slowly, but I started to feel much better when I told myself every day, "I deserve better." If you keep saying it, you will come to believe it. It really is true: YOU deserve BETTER. Revenge is futile with these people because they can't take responsibility for anything and blame all of their problems on other people. Thus, if you seek revenge he will simply think you're nuts or weak (or both). Hold onto your dignity and spend your energy working on yourself rather than pining away and seeking revenge.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 Revenge is futile with these people because they can't take responsibility for anything and blame all of their problems on other people. Thus, if you seek revenge he will simply think you're nuts or weak (or both). Hold onto your dignity and spend your energy working on yourself rather than pining away and seeking revenge. This is sooo very true. Let go of the anger and need for revenge because all of it in the world will not change the situation but it will eat you up and prevent you from moving forward. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% our attitude about it. Sorry for what you are going through, life with a narcissist requires your own VERY STRONG sense of reality so that you don't get sucked into theirs.
ilmw Posted March 14, 2007 Posted March 14, 2007 You know what everyone? You know how you really know you have a lousy piece of &%!@# for a husband? When you pray to God that your daughter, sister or best friend NEVER marry a man like that OR when you pray to God that your son NEVER turns out anything like him. Sounds like you are just being a good mum ...
Author shecat28 Posted March 14, 2007 Author Posted March 14, 2007 Hi sweetie, Yes, I left my husband after realizing that he would never change because, like your husband, he could not recognize he had any problems. It took me about a year after I knew I should leave him before I had enough strength to leave him and face being alone. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I have been in my own apartment for 5+ weeks now. I still have bouts of sadness, but most of that comes from feeling lonely rather than seriously missing my husband. Does he still contact you? Are you going through legal crap? Yesterday my lawyer sent out a separation agreement proposal both to his office and his new home. My body is performing all the right actions, but my heart and my mind are doing their own thing. I broke down and called him after midnight last night, only to have him tell me off then hang up. And here I sit, still wondering how it is a person can be so cold. I'm not sure how you can be so strong after only 5 weeks. Sometimes I find myself in a hynotic daze. Thanks everyone
MoonGirl Posted March 15, 2007 Posted March 15, 2007 Hi sweetie, Yes, I left my husband after realizing that he would never change because, like your husband, he could not recognize he had any problems. It took me about a year after I knew I should leave him before I had enough strength to leave him and face being alone. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I have been in my own apartment for 5+ weeks now. I still have bouts of sadness, but most of that comes from feeling lonely rather than seriously missing my husband. Does he still contact you? Are you going through legal crap? Yesterday my lawyer sent out a separation agreement proposal both to his office and his new home. My body is performing all the right actions, but my heart and my mind are doing their own thing. I broke down and called him after midnight last night, only to have him tell me off then hang up. And here I sit, still wondering how it is a person can be so cold. I'm not sure how you can be so strong after only 5 weeks. Sometimes I find myself in a hynotic daze. Thanks everyone Yes, my husband still contacts me. Like you and your husband, we have children together, so contact is necessary. He would like to reconcile, but is totally unwilling to put in the work (i.e. won't go to therapy, won't listen to my needs, etc). But during the first 3 weeks of separation, he was VERY verbally abusive and MEAN to me. Just during the last couple of weeks has he been nice®. It is very stressful for me because although I care for him and want him to be happy, I know that I will never be happy with him. I think it's next to impossible to be happy with a narcisistic abuser. lol. Why am I so strong after 5 weeks? Probably because I thought about leaving him for at least a year and during that time, I read a lot, became stronger, and gathered the will to leave him. You, on the other hand, haven't had that opportunity and you probably weren't ready emotionally for the relationship to end. It is hard to feel the pure coldness of them...and it is impossible to understand. My husband can, one day, tell me that I am a worthless, stupid, piece of sh*t who doesn't deserve to be alive...and then the next day he will ask me why he gets no attention from me, tells me that he misses me, and just wants to work things out. I have given up on understanding what goes through his mind, but his words and actions still affect me. I STILL wish that he would change, but at this point, I'm 99% positive that he won't. Eventually you will feel better. First you have to stop contacting your husband. You won't get what you're looking for from him. Instead, start reading some books, go out with friends, go to community activities, etc. Think about how unhappy he makes you, then write a list of things that make you happy, start doing those things for yourself, and eventually you will start to feel better.
Author shecat28 Posted March 15, 2007 Author Posted March 15, 2007 thanks moongirl...actually i have been knowing for 2 years that he wasn't right for me, but everytime he was a little bit nice or caring, i would forget the crappy stuff. I have at least a dozen books on narcissistic partners and co-dependancy, but I would never fully leave or stay separated until i had the concrete evidence that he was cheating, and even when I did, I would justify it by saying, it was just a call girl, there was no emotional attachment...but that didn't make it hurt any less.. it's funny how they all seem to go through the same routine...an ass for a few weeks, then they calm down and are somewhat sweet...my guy is just like yours..one minute he will tell me to "watch out" he's gonna take me for everything and fight for sole custody just to see me go broke...then an hour later tell me how much beautiful I looked when he just picked up our kid...yesterday he thanked me for offering to bring our son to him so he didn't have to drive...when i got there he tells me to f*ck off and gives me the finger....i can't keep up...this is the very strongest i've ever been... i hope i can last....it's kind of lonely...so many of my friends and acquaintances abandoned me when I was with him because they couldn't stand him and he was so controlling...but i allowed myself to be controlled.. before him, i was so confident, self sufficient, proud. He sucked the life out of me.
MoonGirl Posted March 16, 2007 Posted March 16, 2007 thanks moongirl...actually i have been knowing for 2 years that he wasn't right for me, but everytime he was a little bit nice or caring, i would forget the crappy stuff. I have at least a dozen books on narcissistic partners and co-dependancy, but I would never fully leave or stay separated until i had the concrete evidence that he was cheating, and even when I did, I would justify it by saying, it was just a call girl, there was no emotional attachment...but that didn't make it hurt any less.. it's funny how they all seem to go through the same routine...an ass for a few weeks, then they calm down and are somewhat sweet...my guy is just like yours..one minute he will tell me to "watch out" he's gonna take me for everything and fight for sole custody just to see me go broke...then an hour later tell me how much beautiful I looked when he just picked up our kid...yesterday he thanked me for offering to bring our son to him so he didn't have to drive...when i got there he tells me to f*ck off and gives me the finger....i can't keep up...this is the very strongest i've ever been... i hope i can last....it's kind of lonely...so many of my friends and acquaintances abandoned me when I was with him because they couldn't stand him and he was so controlling...but i allowed myself to be controlled.. before him, i was so confident, self sufficient, proud. He sucked the life out of me. I also lost a lot of friends during my relationship with my husband. I suggest contacting the local women's shelter to find a support group. The women in the support group have been through much the same as you and me. They are understanding and very supportive. If your husband threatens you again, call 911. You shouldn't have to live with that kind of abuse. Once he has a few conversations with the local police force, his behavior should stop. If it gets worse, then you can always file an order for protection, in which case you won't have to see him at all! And like I said before, PLEASE record your conversations with him. The digital pocket recorders are silent and work really well. It is lonely being on your own, but once you have a bit of time and get involved in some activities, you will feel better. I go to a drop-in yoga class when I have time and I'm also taking a pottery class. I love both! Find something you enjoy doing and do it.
Author shecat28 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 I HATE HIM! The lawyers are talking. I HATE HIM!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 I know, I know. Take a deep breath and think toward the day when you do not have to look at him or deal with him daily. Look forward to the day when he is ruining someone elses life and you are enjoying yours!!! Look forward to the day when you can think of him or hear his name and feel NOTHING! Today is your day, find something wonderful in it.
Author shecat28 Posted March 17, 2007 Author Posted March 17, 2007 Thanks...I guess the next couple of months are going to be difficult if we have to go to court. Right now I'm just in shock that I've proceeded at such a speedy rate. Last time I hmmmmed and hhhhhhad for months before retaining a lawyer. It's been 2 weeks and we've started the process. I feel a lot stronger this time. I think I can actually go through with it. It helps that he's being such a prick.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Well, prepare yourself for him to come crawling back on his hands and knees. That's the really hard part. Do what ever it takes then to remember how much you hate him and that his words mean nothing.
polywog Posted March 17, 2007 Posted March 17, 2007 Shecat, I'm sorry to hear about all you're going through. I was married to a narcissitic addict type for 7 years, when I was younger. He didn't abuse me in the way your H has, and we had no kids luckily, but he always had a way of putting me down subtley and it eroded my self esteem in ways I didn't realize until it ended. He really wasn't capapble of love. Like your H, he sucked the life out of me. No one saw it though, or rather they did but didn't say it until we parted ways. We were a perfcet couple in most people's eyes. Are you in counselling? This would be such a great time for you to do that, to process this crap while it's right up in your face. And to help you cope with it. Hang in there, cat.
Author shecat28 Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 The mind games have begun. We have been text messaging and e-mailing back and forth since he's moved out but he has just started the threats and insults by phone call or in person so that there is no record of it ever taking place. I addressed his last comments with an e-mail and he responded that he had no clue what I was talking about. He did not want to acknowledge his threats and comments on record, and in fact try to insinuate that I'm crazy, once again. He's wearing me down, and although I'm staying strong, I can feel it taking it's toll on me. He has the entire world fooled that he's such a good guy and that I'm losing my mind. Yes, I'm in therapy, but I have to budget myself these days and only allocate so much to therapy, as my lawyer fees are going to be tremendous. Thanks All
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 When I filed for divorce my husband (who sounds very much like yours) threatened everything at the top of his lungs. I was told to carry a tape recorder (not digital) in my bath robe pocket. LOL, Well, I never wear a bath robe and those things make noises when cell phones go off. He would have killed me had he found out I was taping him, he was also getting kind of paranoid about things. I was told that political connections would be used and that I wouldn't get a dime or custody of my children. I actually believed him, but found out later on that it was all a bunch of garbage. My advise to you is NOT to talk to him in person. let him communicate via email or your lawyer (he can run the bill up this way though - I was also threatened with that.) Watch what YOU say as well as your emotional tone in any correspondance. His methods will change. The more he hurts the more things he will try to get to you and eventually he will try to work on your symapthy. My lawyer filed some type of order of protection, it wasn't actually a restraining order as we still lived in the same house but said that if he yelled, cursed, threatened or touched me that he would go straight to jail. THAT freaked him out. There is a good book that is an easy quick read and might help you to distance yourself emotionally though understanding. It's called "Why is it always about you" by Sandy Hotchkiss. It discusses how to disingage yourself from and deal with a narcissist. You have to remember that you are dealing with an adult who has the emotional intelligence and control of a 3 year old. Add intelligence and power to the mix and you have a volitile combination. I'm sorry for what you are going through, these men don't like to loose ANYTHING. The good news is that if you can get through this you can get rid of it. God Speed.
Author shecat28 Posted March 18, 2007 Author Posted March 18, 2007 Thank you. I will look for that book today. I am open to anything that will help me get through this. When he wears me down like yesterday, I feel like just giving in and letting him get away without a proper, legal agreement in place. But that is what he's trying to do. He wants me to give up the legal battle. I have nothing left for him inside me, but he wants to make me suffer by not providing anymore. All he ever has is his money. He uses his money to buy friends, family, status, fake respect, fake adoration. Now it's his turn to use his money to hurt me. Anyway, my lawyer told me not to panic everytime he threatens me with legal terms. I just hope this moves swiftly. Thank you again.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 18, 2007 Posted March 18, 2007 I know what you mean. Had it not been for my kids I would have walked out with just the clothes on my back (ok, my hairdryer and makeup). I would have been a million times better off. Actually, there was a point where I considered giving him the kids and walking off. That's how low that could get you. I have known, met, heard of women that have done this and until a few years ago, I couldn't imagine how a woman could EVER do that. Now I understand the feeling of futility that accompanies being in what seems like a loosing situation all around. It's funny how all of a sudden the life you have built only belongs to them! I think if you can completely ignore him and let him deal through your lawyer then you take away the power he feels he has through his abuse, threats and actions. Nothing made my husband madder than when I refused to respond or react. It was all about the money and status to him. One thing that I had going for me is that he didn't want the world to know who he was, as appearances meant so much to him.
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