Myaar Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I found out a few months ago that my husband of 10 years was involved with another woman - someone I knew vaguely. It's something I'd suspected but not from any kind of overt evidence. We'd run into her occasionally at the store or what have you and I would get these strange vibes. I chalked it up to paranoia and moved on. Then I saw her at a function with a brand new baby and the same awkward feelings came up. At said event, my husband suddenly fell "ill" and had to leave, before he ever sat down in his seats (she was seated behind me). Anyway - going with my gut feelings, I found confirmation that they were, in fact, involved at some point and that she'd led him to believe he could be the father of the baby. He had text messages from her talking about paternity results on his phone (idiot!). I confronted, he denied initially until I told him about the messages. Then he apologized, said he'd never wanted to hurt me. It was never serious, just some "fun". He'd broken it off with her just before she turned up pregnant. It turns out he is NOT the father. Of-course I was devestated, hurt, angry, etc. We have a small child and I'm pregnant again. Talk about your bad timing! He begged forgiveness, and said he wanted the marriage to work. At the time he began the affair, we were having intimacy issues, but in the past year things between us sexually had been better than ever. I don't know if that's what prompted him to break things off with her or what. It's what he says, of-course, but trusting him isn't exactly my forte anymore. He also says he was never in love with her, yada, yada, yada. Despite the hurt, I decided to give him another chance. Things were getting better for a little while, but as my pregnancy has progressed, he's spent more and more time away - going out with friends. In the 14 years we've known one another, he's always been the kind of guy that hangs with the "fellas"....a lot. I've never been the jealous/possessive type, so up until a few months ago, I never really thought much of it. But now.......with the trust gone. . .I can't help but wonder. Sure enough, looking at a phone bill, I notice several late night calls to a specific number. This is a new number and I called it privately and discovered it's a new woman. Sleuth that I am, I discovered some text messages between them. Nothing raunchy, mostly her saying things like "I guess your busy and I should find someone to occupy my time," yada, yada, yada. So I confront him on the phone calls and the going out and he completely turns it into a "I don't want him going out anymore" conversation, intentionally skipping over the female factor. I'm not an idiot - I can connect the dots and I told him so. I'm trying to make this marriage work, but I can't keep accepting things like this. If the roles were reversed, you better believe he would blow a casket. So I checked his text messages again this morning and low and behold there's a text from her saying she won't be calling him anymore and she understands his "situation", she says she wants someone who wants her as much as she wants him and she can see that's not the case with him. So that pretty much confirms my suspicions. So here I am............wondering what I'm going to do. The idea of revenge has crossed my mind several times. I've even entertained the thought of leading him to believe things are just peachy until I have this baby and get the help I need over the first few months. Then we can put our house on the market and he can go about his business free and clear. I've entertained the idea of confronting him now and asking him to just leave. . .but I'll admit to being human and wondering how can I do this by myself: small child, complicated pregnancy. Then I think 10 years of marriage. 10 years of familial bonding with his side of the family. Then my thinking gets even more shallow and I wonder what people will think or say. I don't want pity from my family. I don't want to be the victim or the martyr. I'm furious with him, but he's also my family and I love him. I refuse to continue to be the fool, but at the moment I'm trapped by a situation. I don't know that I'm seeking advice........just venting anonymously so that I can't be "judged" by friends and family until I figure out what I am going to do I guess. It's funny, as many tears as I shed a few months ago.......this time around......there's just.....nothing. And that's sad.
outofdarkness Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I found out a few months ago that my husband of 10 years was involved with another woman - someone I knew vaguely. It's something I'd suspected but not from any kind of overt evidence. We'd run into her occasionally at the store or what have you and I would get these strange vibes. I chalked it up to paranoia and moved on. Then I saw her at a function with a brand new baby and the same awkward feelings came up. At said event, my husband suddenly fell "ill" and had to leave, before he ever sat down in his seats (she was seated behind me). Anyway - going with my gut feelings, I found confirmation that they were, in fact, involved at some point and that she'd led him to believe he could be the father of the baby. He had text messages from her talking about paternity results on his phone (idiot!). I confronted, he denied initially until I told him about the messages. Then he apologized, said he'd never wanted to hurt me. It was never serious, just some "fun". He'd broken it off with her just before she turned up pregnant. It turns out he is NOT the father. Of-course I was devestated, hurt, angry, etc. We have a small child and I'm pregnant again. Talk about your bad timing! He begged forgiveness, and said he wanted the marriage to work. At the time he began the affair, we were having intimacy issues, but in the past year things between us sexually had been better than ever. I don't know if that's what prompted him to break things off with her or what. It's what he says, of-course, but trusting him isn't exactly my forte anymore. He also says he was never in love with her, yada, yada, yada. Despite the hurt, I decided to give him another chance. Things were getting better for a little while, but as my pregnancy has progressed, he's spent more and more time away - going out with friends. In the 14 years we've known one another, he's always been the kind of guy that hangs with the "fellas"....a lot. I've never been the jealous/possessive type, so up until a few months ago, I never really thought much of it. But now.......with the trust gone. . .I can't help but wonder. Sure enough, looking at a phone bill, I notice several late night calls to a specific number. This is a new number and I called it privately and discovered it's a new woman. Sleuth that I am, I discovered some text messages between them. Nothing raunchy, mostly her saying things like "I guess your busy and I should find someone to occupy my time," yada, yada, yada. So I confront him on the phone calls and the going out and he completely turns it into a "I don't want him going out anymore" conversation, intentionally skipping over the female factor. I'm not an idiot - I can connect the dots and I told him so. I'm trying to make this marriage work, but I can't keep accepting things like this. If the roles were reversed, you better believe he would blow a casket. So I checked his text messages again this morning and low and behold there's a text from her saying she won't be calling him anymore and she understands his "situation", she says she wants someone who wants her as much as she wants him and she can see that's not the case with him. So that pretty much confirms my suspicions. So here I am............wondering what I'm going to do. The idea of revenge has crossed my mind several times. I've even entertained the thought of leading him to believe things are just peachy until I have this baby and get the help I need over the first few months. Then we can put our house on the market and he can go about his business free and clear. I've entertained the idea of confronting him now and asking him to just leave. . .but I'll admit to being human and wondering how can I do this by myself: small child, complicated pregnancy. Then I think 10 years of marriage. 10 years of familial bonding with his side of the family. Then my thinking gets even more shallow and I wonder what people will think or say. I don't want pity from my family. I don't want to be the victim or the martyr. I'm furious with him, but he's also my family and I love him. I refuse to continue to be the fool, but at the moment I'm trapped by a situation. I don't know that I'm seeking advice........just venting anonymously so that I can't be "judged" by friends and family until I figure out what I am going to do I guess. It's funny, as many tears as I shed a few months ago.......this time around......there's just.....nothing. And that's sad. Bless your heart! I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. If it helps...all of the feelings that your having right now are totally normal for a W who's just found evidence of infidelity...Put being pregnant on top of that and you've got a horrible ball of "stuff" to deal w/...I too, had two complicated pregnancies, and that is so hard! I also know what it feels like to feel embarrassed to talk to family and friends about it. My H and I have been M for 20 years, and NOONE would have ever suspected that he would cheat. I found out 2.5 years ago that he had been cheating for 10 years..HALF of our M! In looking back there were signs that I either couldn't or wouldn't process. I totally trusted him 100 percent! It's so amazing when you go behind closed doors in families, what things can really be like. The "perfect" family often times is the most dis functional...I don't think it's shallow to be concerned about what others think. I too, was very embarrassed and worried about how things were portrayed to others in my community, circle of friends, etc. After everything came out, I wondered what in the world he had been saying about me! Right now, you're emotions are raw and that is the worst time to make any major decisions about how you will handle this. You need to go see a professional right away either with or without your H, and I don't think it would hurt to consult w/ an attorney. If you're worried about someone finding out, go to the nearest town...Also, you might find that your family would be more supportive than you think. Is there one family member that you trust more then the others? Mabey a special trustworthy friend or minister? If you're active in a church, many now have special ministries that deal with these kinds of sensitive issues. Try not to stress and cry too much b/c I know this can make a complicated pregnancy even MORE complicated. You and your baby come first right now! This OW is a very cold person if she is aware that you have one baby and another on the way and is still communicating w/ your H. She is endangering your health and so is your H by continuing to communicate in ANY way. And...the fact that you run into her in your area must be sooo hard. I never knew what my H's OW looked like, I still don't...I have a general description, but never saw a picture. I have always heard on this forum to trust your gut instinct...and this had really proven true to me. I think this is the best and most accurate gauge to what is really going on..MOST Of the time, it's right on target. Right now, as I said is NOT the time to start to snoop and investigate. Concentrate on yourself and the baby you are carrying. If that means making some short term changes w/ the excuse that you just can't handle any stress right now, then do it! Hope this helps! Once you get privileges, please private message me if you need someone to confide in. I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your babies..
Myaar Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I don't know who this new woman is. But I did know the first one. She was dating a good friend of his when we got married. They were at our wedding. She's bought gifts for my son and I've bought gifts for hers. I'm typically not the kind of woman who blames the OW - but it's hard to swallow the fact that I knew her and she would smile in my face while screwing my husband. I have no idea if the new woman truly knows about me or not. She said she "knows his situation", but who knows what he told her. You're right though. This baby and my other child come first. This pregnancy is complicated enough without all the added stress. I'm trying to keep that in perspective, but I'll admit it's not easy. As far as friends and family, I don't have a big family - just two older brothers who aren't the best examples (both cheated on their spouses) and my father (whom I adore) cheated on my mother and I guarantee her knee-jerk reaction would be to come an get me (they live in another state). My girlfriends are the feminist types that would frown upon me staying with him and I can't deal with that pressure right now either. I have one friend I've been talking to about it, but she moved away and we've just been corresponding via email and phone calls. She's been extremely supportive. Thank you for your kind words.........I'm hanging in there as best I can. My baby deserves that much.
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