Guest Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Hi there I am looking for some women who are control freaks in terms of dating. I'm just trying to understand the personality associated with wanting to control your guy. Is it about trust? Insecurity? What motivates you to be so controlling? Also, what happens when your guy starts to become assertive? Do you give up or fight more? Do you give up the control when you are no longer interested in him? thanks, jenn
GodofNietzsche Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I can't answer your question directly, but I've dated a girl who was passive-aggressively trying to control me. She'd tell her friends things she was upset about and then they'd come tell me, and when I approached her and asked if this really bothered her, she'd say it didn't (which, of course, it obviously did). So even though she said it didn't, it still left the impression of my mind that it was a subject that was bothering her. She would hardly ever call me (probably about once a week on average, and that's being generous), so if I wanted to talk to her I had to call her. And at times when I got upset, and stopped calling her, she would yell at me and say things like" you don't call me enough. You don't want to see me as much as I want to see you". However, by her own standard of judgment (how much I call her is how much I want to see her), she never wanted to see me. Also, the statemet: You should want to see me more is a double bind. Its telling a person how they should feel, and if they respond to the demand (by forcing themselves to have those feeling), its not a genuine response. Its like telling someone: you must love me. Of course, I learned that I shouldn't have been her lap dog, nor should I have played the same games as she. I tried to approach her directly about things, but she would just shut down and refuse to talk (like I brought up sex once, asking how she felt about it. Her immediate response was to critically ask me, "Why are you asking me this?" I responded by saying I wanted to have sex, and I thought it was only fair to know where we both stand on that issue. She shut down after that response). In the end, it didn't matter what I did. When I did what she wanted me to do I was miserable. When I played the same game back with her, she was miserable. The last month of the relationship, I decided to be more honest about things, and when I was, the relationship fell apart. When she broke up with me, I felt relieved. She started to use passive aggressive tactics to get me to come back (putting on aim, facebook things about how she was "waiting" and "sad" and after 4 days: "I guess its finally over."). I felt bad for her when I saw that she was sad, but the part about "I guess its finally over", really pissed me off. Then, I heard through one of her friends that she didn't want it to be permeant, and that I could get her back. Also, I was very lonely. So, I asked her to come over and apologized for my short comings (actually, I overapologized, stating things that I thought she wanted to hear). However, all it did was add fuel to her fire. It gave her affirmatin for breaking up with me. That's when I started feeling worse. I should have never allowed myself to fall back into her traps. But I realize now, even though I agreed to the break-up and it really hurt her feelings, if she really care for me that much: 1. she would have not used a break up to test my feelings for her, 2. She would have allowed for longer than a 4 day grace period for getting back with her (actually, probably no specificaition should put on that besides one's feelings), 3. If she really wanted me back, she would have done it herself.
DanielMadr Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 I can't answer your question directly, but I've dated a girl who was passive-aggressively trying to control me. She'd tell her friends things she was upset about and then they'd come tell me, and when I approached her and asked if this really bothered her, she'd say it didn't (which, of course, it obviously did). So even though she said it didn't, it still left the impression of my mind that it was a subject that was bothering her. She would hardly ever call me (probably about once a week on average, and that's being generous), so if I wanted to talk to her I had to call her. And at times when I got upset, and stopped calling her, she would yell at me and say things like" you don't call me enough. You don't want to see me as much as I want to see you". However, by her own standard of judgment (how much I call her is how much I want to see her), she never wanted to see me. Also, the statemet: You should want to see me more is a double bind. Its telling a person how they should feel, and if they respond to the demand (by forcing themselves to have those feeling), its not a genuine response. Its like telling someone: you must love me. Of course, I learned that I shouldn't have been her lap dog, nor should I have played the same games as she. I tried to approach her directly about things, but she would just shut down and refuse to talk (like I brought up sex once, asking how she felt about it. Her immediate response was to critically ask me, "Why are you asking me this?" I responded by saying I wanted to have sex, and I thought it was only fair to know where we both stand on that issue. She shut down after that response). In the end, it didn't matter what I did. When I did what she wanted me to do I was miserable. When I played the same game back with her, she was miserable. The last month of the relationship, I decided to be more honest about things, and when I was, the relationship fell apart. When she broke up with me, I felt relieved. She started to use passive aggressive tactics to get me to come back (putting on aim, facebook things about how she was "waiting" and "sad" and after 4 days: "I guess its finally over."). I felt bad for her when I saw that she was sad, but the part about "I guess its finally over", really pissed me off. Then, I heard through one of her friends that she didn't want it to be permeant, and that I could get her back. Also, I was very lonely. So, I asked her to come over and apologized for my short comings (actually, I overapologized, stating things that I thought she wanted to hear). However, all it did was add fuel to her fire. It gave her affirmatin for breaking up with me. That's when I started feeling worse. I should have never allowed myself to fall back into her traps. But I realize now, even though I agreed to the break-up and it really hurt her feelings, if she really care for me that much: 1. she would have not used a break up to test my feelings for her, 2. She would have allowed for longer than a 4 day grace period for getting back with her (actually, probably no specificaition should put on that besides one's feelings), 3. If she really wanted me back, she would have done it herself. If its that bad that you should have slap her...its time to leave. Im not advocate of slapping women but I know it works. Nevertheless you should leave and forget.
IpAncA Posted March 12, 2007 Posted March 12, 2007 Yeah I'm a control freak BUT in a working in progress ex control freak. But for me I can't and will not let up with how I want things in the house. If I want it there damn it don't move it lol!! I'm really not all that bad because my guy doesn't let me get away with half the crap I normally can. He sees thru me. Darn it, lol! I also don't have patience and that is something I try to have but I can't.
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